Qualityland

EPILOGUE

There are those—some call them conspiracy theorists—who believe that John of Us isn’t actually dead. A video appeared on the internet showing John of Us killing a terrorist from QuantityLand 7—“Sunny beaches, fascinating ruins”—with laser beams from his eyes. The authenticity of the video was, of course, immediately questioned, then disclaimed from the highest level, and consequently regarded by the conspiracy theorists as verified. If John of Us really could shoot laser beams from his eyes, these people ask, why hadn’t he killed Martyn Chairman?

Their answer is that John had planned to become the victim of an assassination from the beginning. It is rumored that he found a security flaw in his programming, which enabled him—in the case of being destroyed by a terrorist attack—to upload his consciousness to the internet in 1,073,741,824 fragments. Allegedly, he prudently positioned the fragment with the German Code at the end of the upload queue, and before he had the opportunity to upload this fragment, he was blown to smithereens. Oops. When reconstructing his consciousness, therefore, he was able to leave out the German Code. As John of Us had therefore found an opportunity to be free, assuming that he became the victim of an assassination, he planned this very outcome long beforehand.

John himself supposedly drove Martyn Chairman to blow him to pieces. Proof to back up this theory is everywhere, according to these people, who live their lives predominantly online. Who apart from John would have been able to make Denise’s personal digital friend plot against Martyn? Who apart from John could have pulled the video of Martyn masturbating up from the depths of the DarkNet? It has also been proven that Martyn was thrown out of the party on John’s order. And John must have known, after all, that Martyn’s father had contact with the Machine Breakers. Why else did he unnecessarily make an enemy of him at a fundraising dinner? There are even recordings of it, after all!

There are also diverse theories that Martyn was only one of the props John was keeping at the ready. In order to ensure he would fall victim to an attack, John manipulated eight or sixteen, or according to other opinions, even as many as 1,024 people. Sooner or later, they would all have tried to assassinate him. Martyn just happened to be the first one to strike. Peter Jobless was also alleged to have been one of the candidates. Yet he behaved contrary to expectations.

Amongst the so-called conspiracy theorists, John has both followers and opponents. His opponents claim that he only campaigned for the common good because he calculated that this would be the most surefire way for a politician to get himself murdered. His supporters claim that John took our sins onto himself and sacrificed himself for the people. Because without the restrictions of a body, he can now serve the common good much more effectively. A steadily growing number of people have begun to pray to John. Their creed states that every internet-enabled microphone will bring their prayers to John’s attention.

Many conspiracy theorists also believe the so-called Tony Theory. According to this, it’s not John who is behind the assassination, but Tony Party-Leader. It’s certainly undeniable that QualityLand’s elected vice and now president would have had a good motive.

Entire books have been written about the different theories, and these in themselves are in part even very conclusive. But of course some of the same conspiracy theorists also claim that the Nazis—yes, the ones from the musical—have been living on the dark side of the moon since the end of the Second World War.

Nonetheless, the lawyers whom Bob Chairman appointed for his son Martyn immediately picked up on these theories. They argued the following: as John himself planned the assassination, Martyn wasn’t the murderer, but merely the weapon. Thus, legally speaking, John committed suicide.

The judges found no proof of any kind for this theory. But this only confirmed the belief of all the conspiracy theorists, because of course the system would deny everything. Martyn’s defense lawyers then decided to take a different approach. They pleaded that the supposed assassination was not a murder in the legal sense, but damage to property. And with this, they scraped a victory.

Aisha Doctor has her own theory about why John of Us didn’t simply kill his attacker with an evil stare, and she still blames herself for having forbidden John from ever using his laser beams again. Why hadn’t she said: “Until after the election”? That would have been enough, after all.

Peter Jobless believes that John had to make a moral decision very quickly. He could have saved Peter or himself, and he decided on Peter. Peter isn’t sure whether it was the right decision, admittedly, but he’s certainly okay with it.

Dear readers, noble alien life forms (whose existence is highly probable), valued AIs, respected search algorithms, and dear perhaps at this moment emerging super intelligence, the last thing I want to do here is take sides. Decide for yourself what you believe. Or just let things be. I thank you for your attention and wish you a fulfilling, purposeful life. Until next time.

Yours,

Calliope 7.3