Qualityland

THE VOICE OF INSTRUMENTAL REASON

As Tony Party-Leader steps onto the stage at the Progress Party headquarters, he can literally feel the spotlights burning his father’s overbearing shadow off him. He has spent his whole life working toward this moment. No easy task, because his father was the man who gave the country its name. Back when it was founded, the creatives at World Wide Wholesale actually suggested that the country be named “EqualityLand.” A survey revealed that 25.6 percent found the name “good” or “quite good,” 12.8 percent found it “bad” or “quite bad,” 51.2 percent were indifferent, and the rest didn’t understand the question. As the majority were in favor, therefore, the country was almost christened “EqualityLand,” but then Tony’s father, who was Finance Minister at the time, was hit by sudden inspiration. With a mere stroke of his fountain pen, he crossed out the first letter of the proposed name and made “EqualityLand” into “QualityLand.” At a press conference, he said: “I don’t know about you, but fair pay aside, as a consumer I’d choose a product ‘Made in QualityLand’ over a product ‘Made in EqualityLand’ any day of the week.”

Recordings from this press conference still get a lot of clicks even today, and Tony is often asked about his father. This evening, though, he is the one in the limelight, because everyone here is in agreement that the nomination of an android as a presidential candidate is a legendary coup, a historical turning point. What remains the subject of heated debate, however, is whether it’s a very good idea or a very stupid one.

Martyn Chairman hasn’t made his mind up yet either. The only thing he’s sure about is that Tony Party-Leader’s poll ratings weren’t high enough for him to run. Plus the fact that Tony and Conrad Cook can’t stand each other. So the android is Tony’s best chance of at least becoming vice president. Martyn steps into the meeting room a little late, having indulged in some heavy flirting with one of the Party hostesses en route. Even considering the unusual circumstances, Martyn is surprised by how agitated his colleagues are. Tony Party-Leader is up on the stage, trying to calm everyone down.

“Let’s not kid ourselves!” he cries. “We’re in the midst of a deep confidence crisis. No one trusts anyone anymore, us politicians least of all. But what do the people trust? What is objective, incorruptible, and never makes mistakes? A machine, that’s what!”

True, thinks Martyn.

“There won’t be any doubts about John’s policies. They are mathematically certifiable.”

A convincing point, thinks Martyn.

“But what will his policies be?” calls a representative from the front row.

A good question, thinks Martyn.

“The same as ours,” answers Tony. “Progress and growth. But with the ability to faultlessly avoid crises.”

That sounds good, thinks Martyn.

“Have you programmed him to do that?” calls another representative.

An important question, thinks Martyn.

“We have intentionally given John no particular approach, because we don’t know what the best approach is,” says Tony. “I mean, if we could anticipate the result of his calculations, we wouldn’t need him in the first place.”

That makes sense, thinks Martyn.

“John has more computing power than all our brains put together!”

Martyn looks around at his colleagues and mutters to himself: “That’s not exactly hard.”

“John has access to all the data that has been collected since the beginning of the history of humanity. I assure you all that he will take the rationalization of all societal processes to a new level.”

I’m hungry, thinks Martyn. When are they going to open the buffet?

“Just imagine what that means, ladies and gentlemen! A flawless administration. John is the embodiment of pure instrumental reason!”

Martyn has already stopped listening, but he claps when everyone else does.

At the buffet afterward, a large crowd has formed around Tony and John. Every time a waitress comes by with drinks, John refuses with a friendly shake of his head.

“John’s appearance was based upon images of that old actor,” explains Tony. “What was his name again?”

“Bill Pullman,” says John.

“Yes, that’s the one. He played a great president in that film… er… what was it called again?”

“Independence Day,” says John.

“That’s the one! Do the bit again, John. Do the bit!”

John rolls his eyes.

“Oh come on!”

“We will not go quietly into the night,” says John, full of pathos. “We will not vanish without a fight. We’re going to live on. We’re going to survive. Today we celebrate,” John pauses and sighs, “our Independence Day.”

Tony laughs. “Wonderful! Wonderful!”

“He looks so real,” says one of the older cabinet members, as though she’s never seen an android before. “Can I touch?” She addresses the question to Tony, even though it’s John she wants to touch. Tony nods, and John takes it stoically as the woman runs her hand over his face and through his hair. It seems to Martyn that John’s smile is just a touch more artificial than before.

“Perhaps you’d like to pinch my cheeks too?” asks the android.

The woman grabs them. If the robot turns out to be evil, Martyn wouldn’t put a single quality on the old trout’s chances of survival. He walks over to the group.

“Aha! Just the man I’ve been looking for!” calls Tony Party-Leader, waving Martyn over. “It’s great to see you, Markus!”

“Martyn,” says John with a nod, stretching his hand out toward him.

Martyn shakes it.

“Oh yes, of course, Martyn,” says Tony. He shakes his hand too. “How are you, old boy?”

Without waiting for an answer, he turns to John. “Markus’s father is one of our biggest donors.”

“Martyn’s father,” says John. “I know.”

“He’s well, as far as I know,” says Martyn. “Still buying up companies and replacing the personnel with robots.”

“That’s wonderful,” says Tony, without really listening. “Wonderful. John, I’m sure you’ll meet Markus’s father at one of our fundraising dinners.”

John of Us fixes Martyn with an unpleasantly intense gaze, then tilts his head to the side and looks him up and down. Martyn would give anything to know what that power guzzler is calculating right now.