Qualityland

ASCENDING OCULOGENITAL CHLAMYDIA INFECTION

Peter sits on the unfamiliar bed and waits. Something feels wrong. Then Melissa comes out of the bathroom naked, and Peter decides it feels right after all. The woman who QualityPartner has selected as being Peter’s perfect match walks toward him seductively. He begins to tear his clothes off hastily. Melissa watches him. “A word of advice,” she says eventually. “When you’re getting undressed before sex, always take your socks off first. Not last. There’s nothing more ridiculous than a naked man in socks.”

Peter takes off his socks.

“I’ll make a note of that,” he says.

They kiss. Suddenly, Melissa pushes him away.

“Uh-oh,” she says, “we almost forgot something.”

Peter looks at her in surprise.

“Safety first,” says Melissa, rummaging around in her bag.

“Condoms,” says Peter. “I have some with me.”

“No, no,” says Melissa, and hands him her QualityPad, with a document opened on the screen.

“What’s this?”

“A Pre-Sex, of course.”

“A what?”

“A Pre-Sexual Intercourse Agreement!”

“Err…”

“You mean you’ve never seen one before? Seriously? How long has it been since you got laid? I mean, it’s standard practice nowadays. And much more important than condoms.”

Peter looks at her with confusion.

“Don’t worry,” says Melissa. “I’m not making you sign anything weird. It’s the standard contract suggested by the QualitySexApp.”

“So what’s in it?”

“No idea. Just the usual,” says Melissa. “I’ve never read through all of it either.”

Peter begins to read the contract out loud.

“SEX CONTRACT

§ 1 Object of agreement

(1) This contract pertains to the forthcoming sexual act between Contractual Partner 1 and Contractual Partner 2.

(2) Both contractual partners confirm that they alone own the rights to their bodies, and that they have not so far made any dispositions to this agreement. They therefore indemnify each other from all claims from third parties.

§ Rights concessions

(1) The contractual partners mutually transfer, for the duration of 2 hours, the exclusive right to copulate with one another (coll. to sleep with one another, shag, fuck, bang, make love, have intercourse, listen to soft rock, etc.), without limitation of frequency.”

“Two hours is the standard duration,” says Melissa. “But we can change it, of course. To ten hours, for example…”

Peter laughs. “It’ll probably be more like ten minutes…”

He continues to read out loud.

“(2) The contractual partners grant to one another, for the duration of the principal right according to paragraph 1, the following ancillary rights…”

“This is where we click to confirm which sexual practices we’re okay with,” says Melissa.

“a) The right to vaginal intercourse, i.e. the introduction of the erect penis of Contractual Partner 1 into the vagina of Contractual Partner 2…”

b) the right to oral sex, in other words b1) cunnilingus…

c) the right to anal…”

Peter pauses. “There are over a hundred pages here! We’re really supposed to read through all of this?”

“No, you idiot,” says Melissa. “You just click ancillary rights a to k and then confirm by TouchKiss.”

Peter flicks forward a few pages.

“k) the right to record on devices for repeatable replay by means of image or sound carriers, as well as the right to their replication, dissemination, and reproduction.”

“Oops,” says Melissa, “I meant a to j.”

“So there are a hundred pages here describing sexual practices? This is the weirdest porno ever.”

“No, of course not. The last pages are about money.”

Peter flicks further on and reads out loud:

Ҥ 5 Consequential Costs

(1) The contractual partners assure one another that they are not infected with any of the following sexually transmitted diseases, and agree, should this not be the case, to assume all consequential medical costs. This applies especially, but not exclusively, to

a) arthropods;

b) pubic lice (phthirius pubis, coll. crabs), i.e., a parasitic type of animal lice transferred from Contractual Partner 1 to Contractual Partner 2 or vice versa…”

Melissa closes her eyes and says: “Has anyone ever told you that you have a very erotic voice?”

Peter reads on:

“c) scabies, i.e. a parasitic skin disease in humans caused by the mange mite (Sarcoptes scabiei) transferred from Contractual Partner 1 to Contractual Partner 2…”

“I can’t help myself,” says Melissa. “But for some reason this is turning me on.”

She slides her hand beneath the blanket.

“d) fungal infection, candidiasis, i.e. infection of the sexual organs by the Candida fungus, for example vaginal fungal infection…”

Peter interrupts his reading. “Melissa, forgive me for asking, but are you masturbating?”

“Keep reading,” groans Melissa.

“Have you made a contract with yourself too?”

“I trust myself,” says Melissa. “Now keep reading!”

“e) Viruses: Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)…”

“Yes!”

“Genital herpes…”

“Faster!”

“Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, Hepatitis C…”

“Yes, yes, yes! Harder!”

“Bacteria,” says Peter. “Syphilus, Gonorrhea…”

Melissa groans.

“Ascending oculogenital Chlamydia infection…”

“Say that again…” she murmurs.

“Ascending oculogenital Chlamydia infection…”

“Yes! Oh yes!”

Her breathing is quick and heavy.

“Bacterial vaginosis.”

“Keep going, don’t stop!”

“Pregnancy,” reads Peter.

Melissa opens her eyes abruptly and pulls her hand up from beneath the blanket.

“Well, that was a turnoff…” she says.

“But it’s definitely one of the consequential costs,” says Peter. “I guess you have to give the lawyers credit for giving it its own paragraph and not listing it under the illnesses.”

“Are you really planning to read the entire contract?” asks Melissa. “If you are then I might knock out a few hate posts about gypsies while I’m waiting. Election period is a busy time for me.”

Peter shakes his head.

“Well then, just kiss the damn thing and fuck me.”

Peter sighs, presses his lips against Melissa’s QualityPad, thereby sealing the contract. The QualitySexApp thanks him courteously and recommends as an in-app purchase a quick blood test of both contractual partners. Peter moves to turn off the QualityPad.

“Leave it on,” says Melissa.

“Why?” asks Peter. “Does the app tell you after orgasm how many calories you’ve just burned?”

“Of course,” says Melissa. “Sex is healthy. My health insurance even gives me QualityCare points for it. It also means I can immediately rate your performance.”

Peter shakes his head, then gets up abruptly and begins to pull his clothes back on. First his socks, intentionally. Then the rest.

“What’s wrong now?” asks Melissa. “Don’t you want to fuck?”

“Hmm,” says Peter. “Not really. I guess I want to go home and rethink my life.”

He goes to the door.

“Hey!” Melissa calls after him. “We have a contract!”