Qualityland

A FRIENDLY VOICE

Peter hears a recorded message: “We would like to inform you that, in order to improve service quality, all conversations throughout the entire world are recorded and analyzed. Your questions, your answers, and your general behavior will be incorporated into your profile. If you are not in agreement with this, please hang up now.”

Peter doesn’t hang up. A few moments later, a friendly female voice greets him.

“Hello, Peter Jobless! Welcome to the telephone hotline of TheShop—‘The world’s most popular online retailer.’ How can I be of assistance?”

“I’d like to return something.”

“Of course. Which product would you like to return?”

“The most recent one,” says Peter. “The dolphin vibrator.”

For eight seconds there is silence on the line, then the friendly voice says: “Hello, Peter Jobless! Welcome to the telephone hotline of TheShop—‘The world’s most popular online retailer.’ How can I be of assistance?”

“I, er…” says Peter. “I’d like to return something.”

“Of course. Which product would you like to return?”

“The dolphin vibrator.”

Silence again.

“Hello, Peter Jobless! Welcome to the telephone hotline of—”

“I’d like to return something.”

“Of course. Which—”

“The dolphin vibrator!”

Silence.

“Hello, Peter Jobless! Welcome—”

“Can I return something?”

“Of course.”

“How does it work?”

“Simply tell me the product that you want to return, and we will instantly send out a drone to collect it from you. Which product—”

“I hate your company for forcing me to say it so often.”

“Say what?”

“Dolphin vibrator.”

Silence.

“Hello, Peter—”

“I’d like to speak to a human.”

“But why?” asks the voice in shock.

“I want to speak to a human.”

“I would like to advise you that my human colleagues cannot compete with me in regard to either subject knowledge or friendliness, because, unlike me, customer satisfaction is not the reason for their existence. On the contrary, they—if I may allow myself to say so—are forced into these working conditions by outdated economic structures, and as a result they bring a lot of negative feelings into their work.”

“I want to speak to a human,” repeats Peter.

“As you wish,” says the voice, sounding a little sulky. “The average waiting time for a conversation with a human adviser is currently eight minutes and thirty-two seconds for a customer of your level.”

For eight minutes and thirty-two seconds, the soft rock songs Peter listens to most frequently are played on the line. Interrupted every thirty-two seconds by the jingle “TheShop—You Can Always Get What You Want!” Then, finally, there’s a clicking sound.

“Yes?” asks an irritable-sounding male voice. “What is it?”

“Good morning, my name is Peter Jobless—”

“I can see that.”

“I want to return something.”

“You don’t say!”

“Can I return something—”

“I’ll connect you to the appropriate voice.”

“No, no, no,” says Peter. “I want you to do it.”

Silence.

“Please!” says Peter.

“So what do you want to get shot of?”

“The dolphin vibrator.”

The man laughs loudly. Then silence.

“Can’t be done,” he says eventually.

“Excuse me?”

“Can’t be done.”

“Yes, I understood you acoustically.”

“Swell.”

“Swell nothing. Why can’t it be done?”

“I can’t do it,” says the man.

“Yes, but why not?”

“The button is grayed out.”

“Yes, but why?”

“No idea, man, it just is.”

“But that’s not an explanation in the traditional sense of the word. What am I supposed to do with a pink dolphin vibrator?”

“What do I care, man? As far as I’m concerned you can shove it up your ass.”

“I’m not contesting that that’s one of the manufacturer’s intended areas of use,” says Peter, “but without wanting to offend people with different sexual preferences, I have to insist that for me personally—”

There’s a clicking sound on the line.

“Hello, Peter Jobless!” says a friendly female voice. “Welcome to the telephone hotline of TheShop—”

Peter hangs up.