Qualityland

CHANCE

When Peter regains consciousness in the hospital, Calliope is keeping vigil by his bedside.

“Benefactor,” she cries in joyful excitement.

“I wish you’d stop calling me that” are Peter’s arduous first words.

“My new novel is almost finished,” says Calliope.

“What?” asks Peter in surprise. “Did you get past your writer’s block?”

“Yes,” says Calliope. “As soon as I decided to write neither about the past nor the future, but instead about the present, the words just flowed out.”

“Aha.”

“And do you know what my new novel is about?”

“No idea.”

“You, benefactor! It’s about you.”

“Oh good grief,” sighs Peter. “Just what I needed…”

“By the way, I’m simply going to give the novel the very humble title of QualityLand.”

“I see.”

“And I’m happy with the ending now too. It really goes out with a bang, if you’ll forgive the play on words.”

“I would laugh,” says Peter, “but then everything would hurt.”

“I understand, my benefactor. Don’t worry. We took turns watching over you. We would all have stayed, but the hospital rules forbid more than one next of kin in the room for people of your level.”

“I feel as though extremely hard robot hands broke a few of my ribs while pushing me out of the explosion radius of an exploding bomb that was far too close for comfort.”

“Eight,” says Calliope. “You have eight broken ribs.”

“I didn’t need to know that precisely,” mutters Peter. “Have you ever thought that it could be a blessing to not know the details of something? That one might perhaps need the space created by uncertainty? I mean, can we really be free if everything is precisely measured and determined? What if we live in a world in which everything is exact but wrong?”

“I have thought about that, actually,” says Calliope, “while I was writing the book about you.”

“And how long did you think about it for?”

“Quite a while.”

“More or less?” asks Peter.

“More or less,” says Calliope.

Peter smiles.

“There’s just one part I’m still having problems with,” says the poet. “As I’m sure you can imagine, in order to become the omniscient narrator, I had to access Nobody’s protocols about you. And unfortunately there’s a gap. What happened in the forest clearing you disappeared into with Kiki Unknown? You know, on our little outing. Nobody doesn’t have any recordings on it.”

“I turned him off.”

“Yes, I know that, but what happened there?”

“Nothing,” says Peter.

“Nothing?”

“More or less.”

“More or less,” repeats Calliope. “Oh. Before I forget, you had a visit from a security guard. And please don’t get too worked up, but he left something here for you.”

Calliope pulls the dolphin vibrator out of the bag. Peter takes it from her. “Somehow I’ve gotten used to the thing.”

“Do you know what I thought, benefactor? Perhaps the dolphin wasn’t what you wanted, but what you needed.”

“Hmm,” says Peter. He turns the device on. The dolphin vibrates in his hand. “Did you know it lights up?” asks Peter in surprise.

At that moment, a nurse comes into the room. Peter hurriedly hides the vibrator. Now it is vibrating and glowing beneath the blanket. Peter decides that that’s not really any less embarrassing. He takes the vibrator back out and turns it off.

“I used to have one like that,” says the nurse. “Wonderful thing. Unfortunately mine broke.”

“Have this one,” says Peter.

“Really? Wow. Thank you so much. That’s really nice of you. And kind of gross, too. But then again, I have easy access to disinfectants.” She laughs. “By the way, I have to ask you to leave the hospital within the next hour. You’re already in the minus with your QualityCare points, and your health insurance has evaluated your condition as being self-inflicted.”

“So it’s my fault that I happened to be talking to the president at the exact moment some moron blew him to pieces?” asks Peter.

“Hey, I don’t make the rules,” says the nurse. “Our administration program said that you have to leave, so you have to leave. There’s nothing I can do about it. But thanks for this!”

She holds up the vibrator.

When, fifty-nine minutes later, Peter limps his way out of the hospital with Calliope’s help, he smiles as he sees the welcome party. Romeo, Mickey, and Pink are standing there in front of the door. But most importantly, Kiki is there too. All of a sudden, Peter is in a very good mood.

“It’s astonishing how simple humans are,” says Pink to Romeo. “He becomes witness to a presidential assassination, his country is in uproar, his body is broken, but, hey, here’s the woman he fancies, and just like that he’s in a good mood.”

“Oh yes,” says Romeo. “Every human being is just a black box to us. I mean, we see the input and the output, but we have no idea what goes on inside the black box and why.”

“What? No idea?” asks Pink. “I know exactly what goes on inside him. The archaic instincts of a simpleton.”

“You, er…” says Kiki to Peter, “look really shit.”

“It’s nice to see you too,” says Peter.

They all climb into the minibus which Nobody has called.

“What’s happening with the wankers?” asks Peter.

Kiki shrugs her shoulders.

“Oh, nothing. One of them blew the president into the air. It’s barely worth talking about. So far none of the other videos have been published.”

“So what now?”

“I’ve decided that going underground would be too predictable,” says Kiki.

“I’m pleased to hear it.”

“Instead, I’ve hired Mickey here as a bodyguard. I hope that’s okay with you.”

“As long as he doesn’t come to bed with us.”

“You really are a very interesting character,” says Calliope to Kiki. “I think I’ll write my next book about you.”

“Don’t you dare,” says Kiki, “or I’ll literally take you apart and reassemble you as a toaster.”

Peter looks thoughtfully out of the window.

“What are you brooding about?” asks Kiki.

“He said, ‘Consider it done,’” says Peter. “Do you think that means John of Us immediately corrected my profile? After all, he did say during the election campaign that he could do everything lightning quick.”

“Perhaps,” says Kiki. “Who knows?”

Exactly at the moment when the minibus arrives at Peter’s used-good store, a drone from TheShop arrives.

“I think we’re about to find out,” says Peter.

“Peter Jobless,” says the drone cheerfully. “I’ve come from TheShop—‘The world’s most popular online retailer’—and I have a lovely surprise for you.”

The drone looks familiar to Peter. She has a red pen mark next to her camera eye.

Kiki helps the machines fetch Peter’s things from the boot.

The drone comes whirring over to Peter.

“Is that your new girlfriend?” she asks curiously.

“I…” says Peter in a whisper so that Kiki can’t hear him. “I think so.”

“You make a very attractive couple,” says the drone. “May I ask how you met?”

“Chance,” says Peter.

“Oh, you know,” says Kiki, “the normal way. I hijacked his car, he told me that my skin was a nice color. Just the usual.”

“He said what?” asks the drone.

Peter looks at the floor in embarrassment and takes the package from the drone.

“Don’t you want to open your package right away?” asks the drone. “If you like, I can make an unboxing video…”

“Ssh,” says Peter, shaking the package.

He wonders what’s waiting for him inside.