Qualityland

The Whole of Humanity on Everybody

by Sandra Admin

The world’s biggest social network Everybody—“Me, you, and everybody”—has begun to automatically create Everybody profiles for all those who have not yet gotten around to creating one for themselves. “Our name says it all, really,” explained Everybody founder Erik Dentist. “After all, we’re not called Almost Everybody.” In order to do justice to the new slogan “Everybody is on Everybody,” the company’s bots constantly search the entire internet for information about so-far-unregistered people. All the information found by the crawlers is integrated into the automatically generated profiles. If one of the unregistered people pays for a café latte at Starbucks by TouchKiss, for example, the system will instantaneously and autonomously post the appropriate status update on their profile: “Currently drinking a coffee at Starbucks. Totally delicious. Starbucks really is my favorite coffeehouse chain. You should all go to Starbucks.” Using facial recognition and an independent drone network, it’s even possible for Everybody to post new photos of previously unregistered people. These are, of course, then furnished with fitting commentaries. For example: “I’m on my way to work! Yeah! I love my job at Industrial Slaughter QC North.” There are even chat bots that answer social contacts of all kind on behalf of the previously unregistered person. Incidentally, Everybody plans to offer these bots to all regular users soon. “Chat bots are an excellent way to stay in contact,” says Erik Dentist. “You save yourself the effort of having to talk to your friends yourself. In the ideal case, chat bots will sit at both ends of the friendship, autonomously maintaining contact.” Everybody calculates that this will free up 10.24 hours a week per user, which can then be used for more productive work.

Comments

» BY TONI WASTE-DISPOSAL-OFFICIAL:

Cool! I want that too! Does someone know when the fieture will be released?!?

» BY NATALIE DANCER:

Toni! Is that really you or a bot?

» BY KATRINA ENGLISH-TEACHER:

Here’s a little tip: Correct spelling, correct punctuation, correct grammar = bot.