Qualityland

THE COMPLAINT

“Mr. Jobless,” says Juliet Nun, trying to win back control of her show. “You claim that your profile is false. But how can that be?”

“Machines don’t make mistakes,” says Zeppola.

“Your algorithms,” begins Peter, “present us with content based upon our interests.”

“Yes,” says the press spokesman of TheShop. “It’s really wonderful.”

“But what if these supposed interests aren’t my interests at all?”

“Of course they’re your interests,” says Charles. “Your interests were established according to the content you’ve previously accessed.”

“Previously accessed content that I only accessed because it was suggested to me as being appropriate for my supposed interests.”

“Yes, but these interests are established according to the content you’ve previously accessed,” says Charles.

“Content which I’ve only accessed because…” Peter breaks off. “You’re robbing me of the chance to change, because my past dictates what’s available to me in the future!”

“No one’s telling you what to do,” says Patricia.

“I’m Level 9,” says Peter.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“A Useless…” says Charles.

“Exactly! A Useless who is only being offered the path of a Useless. My options are like a hand fan—with every one of my clicks it closes up more and more until I can only go in one direction. You are robbing my personality of all its rough edges! Removing the detours from my life’s path!”

“Well, you’ve learned this script nicely off by heart,” says Erik Dentist.

“Eighty-one point ninety-two percent of our users don’t like making big decisions,” Zeppola’s voice pipes up.

“But the fact that someone doesn’t like doing something,” cries Peter, “doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t do it! Your algorithms create a bubble around every one of us, and you pump more and more of the same stuff into the bubble. Do you really not see any problem in that?”

“Not if everyone gets what they want,” says Patricia.

“But perhaps I’d like something else instead.”

“Nobody is forcing you to use our offers or keep to our suggestions,” says Erik.

Peter can’t help but smile. “Nobody,” he murmurs. “Exactly. Nobody is forcing me. Isn’t that so, Zeppola? Nobody is forcing me.”

Zeppola doesn’t answer. And Nobody remains silent.

Peter stands up, and suddenly it’s no longer Kiki’s plan that he’s here. It’s no longer the old man’s thoughts he’s voicing. It’s his plan. His thoughts.

“Since the beginning of time,” he says, “humans have learned solely by coming into contact with other opinions, other ideas, other world views.”

“What are you getting at?” asks Juliet.

“You can only learn something when you stumble across something you don’t yet know. That should be obvious! And now you say that there’s no problem with people only being bombarded with their own opinions?” Peter turns toward the studio audience. “Everything that each of us hears is only an echo of what we’ve put out into the world.”

“People have always preferred media sources that mirror their own opinion,” says Erik, “even before the internet came along.”

“Yes, but back then people still knew that the world was being presented to them through a specific viewpoint. But you feign objectivity where there is none!”

“Our models are objective,” says Zeppola. “No human beings are involved in our calculations.”

“Pah!” says Peter. “Models are just opinions disguised as mathematics!”

“I still don’t understand your problem,” says Patricia. “We’re not doing anything wrong here. We’re connecting the body conscious with the body conscious, the religious with the religious, workaholics with workaholics…”

“And racists with racists!” cries Peter.

“And so what? Racists need love too! Maybe racists need love more than anyone.”

“Wow. That’s so heartwarming. We’re so lucky your companies exist. Just imagine the world without them—how ever would racists befriend and network with one another?”

“Everyone needs friends,” says Patricia.

“And your algorithms make sure that these racists’ views are never called into question! On the contrary, they’re constantly reconfirmed. By news filters being tailored to racist interests, for example.”

“We’re not a media company,” Erik interjects. “You can’t hold us responsible for the news!”

“Through recommendations of nationalist music or films,” Peter continues. “Even product suggestions! Customers who have bought this baseball bat also bought this fire accelerant! Your personalization algorithms brainwash everyone with an unhealthy dose of their own opinion!”

“That’s your opinion,” says Patricia.

“And what’s more, the inhabitants of these opinion islands mistakenly believe that their opinion is the opinion of the majority, because everyone they know thinks like that! So that makes it okay to write hate posts, because everyone they know is writing hate posts. And it’s okay to beat up foreigners, because everyone they know talks about wanting to beat up foreigners.”

Patricia Team-Leader laughs. “But this is all very hypothetical.”

“Hypothetical?” retorts Peter. “I’m guessing your filter bubble only contains unicorns, rainbows, and cat photos!”

“What do you have against cat photos?” asks Patricia, peeved. Part of the audience also seems indignant.

“What do you want?” asks Erik. “Do you have any idea of what would happen if we turn off the algorithms? It would result in total chaos. There’s so much content. No human being is capable of sifting through all that volume.”

“I’m not asking you to turn everything off,” says Peter. “But you should give us control options! I want to steer the algorithms, I don’t want the algorithms to steer me! I want to be able to view my profile, and I want to be able to correct it. I want to be able to understand what’s suggested to me and why and what’s being withheld and why.”

“That’s impossible,” says Zeppola. “The configuration of our algorithms is a trade secret.”

“Of course, how convenient.”

“Our products…” begins Erik.

“Me!” cries Peter in agitation. “I’m your product!”

“You’re our customer,” says Eric.

“No,” says Peter. “Your customers are the companies, the insurance providers, the political parties, the lobby groups you hawk my attention and data to. I’m not your customer. I’m just the product you sell in order to make money! It would only be half as bad if I really was your customer. It’s high time you admit that your hunt for ever-increasing advertising income has poisoned the entire internet! Your kind of free has cost all of us dearly!”

“I’m sure,” says Patricia, “that most people are happy to use our services free of charge…”

“I want to be able to delete my profile if I want to!” Peter interjects. “It’s my life. My data! You have no right to it.”

“That’s not actually true,” says Zeppola. “Act 65536—approved in parliament with an absolute majority—does indeed give us the right to your data. After all, we collected it. Not you.”

“But this is all nonsense,” cries Charles Designer. “The guy hasn’t even given any proof that his profile really is incorrect!”

Peter pulls a pink dolphin vibrator out of his rucksack and slams it down on the table. “Here. There you go. TheShop’s algorithms are of the opinion that this product matches my profile. But what in God’s name am I supposed to do with this thing?”

“Well, I could imagine a few uses for it,” says the naked presenter, earning herself enthusiastic wolf whistles from the audience. She finally feels back on top.

“You should register with QualityPartner,” says Patricia to Peter. “I’m sure we can find somebody who could make you familiar with how to use this gadget.”

Erik Dentist is visibly uncomfortable with the new topic of conversation. He has managed to release the brake pads from his chair, and is now trying to roll backward away from the stage as inconspicuously as possible.

“Should I tell you the reason why you’re not interested in the problems you’re causing?” cries Peter. “Because you’re not affected by them! It’s the poor and the marginalized groups who are on the losing side of the algorithmic barrier. The Useless! People who don’t even exist in the filter bubbles of the 90s Club!”

All of a sudden, something strange happens. The audience applauds. Hesitantly at first, then more loudly. Peter is overwhelmed by feelings he has never had before. He feels kind of… good.

This is the moment in which even Charles Designer, press spokesman of TheShop—“The world’s most popular online retailer”—finally admits that he isn’t really happy with the way this program is going.