Qualityland

JULIET & ROMEO

“We go live in eight seconds,” says the recording manager. “Seven, six…”

Juliet Nun is wearing nothing but a frilly white bathrobe. She checks her eyeshadow one last time.

“Five, four, three…”

An intern hurries onto the stage and straightens the labels of the bottles on the table, facing them toward the main camera.

“Two, one…”

The jingle is played. The audience applauds frenetically.

Juliet steps confidently onto the stage. “Hey, fans!” she cries shrilly. “Greetings to you, to the Useful and the Useless! It’s time again for”—she opens her bathrobe theatrically and lets it fall to the floor—“The Naked Truth!”

The traditional “woo hoo!” of the audience follows.

Juliet sits down at the table with her guests.

“Please join me in greeting today’s guests! My good friend Patricia Team-Leader from QualityPartner, the boss of the world’s biggest dating platform! Erik Dentist, founder of Everybody, the world’s biggest social network, and Charles Designer, the press spokesman for TheShop—‘The world’s most popular online retailer!’ I’m almost inclined to say that we have more powerful people sitting here today than during the presidential duel last month!”

The audience applauds. The multi-billionaire, the billionaire, and the employee greet the public smugly.

“In actual fact there were supposed to be three people from the 90s Club sitting here on the stage with me, but Henryk Engineer, the CEO of TheShop, canceled at the last minute.”

“Well, to be fair he never actually accepted,” interjects Charles Designer. “I think there may have been a small misunderstanding there. I’m sure you know that since the attempted assassination eight years ago, Henryk rarely appears in public.”

“Of course, of course…” says Juliet Nun, smiling artificially. “What a wimp. Hahaha. Joking, joking. It’s understandable, of course.”

In truth, she has absolutely no understanding for the fact that TheShop only sent its press spokesperson. As though her program was any old lobbyist exhibition. But her team hadn’t even managed to get in touch with Henryk Engineer. So they had tried the old trick of forcing him to accept by simply making a big public announcement that he was coming. Well, thought Juliet, that worked out wonderfully. After the program she would be firing someone from her team for that.

“But I have another guest today,” says Juliet. “One that can’t be seen. Somewhere in this room, Zeppola is whirring around, the business-leading artificial intelligence from What I Need, the smartest search engine in the world! Can you hear me, Zeppola?”

“Always and everywhere, Juliet,” says a warm, friendly voice, coming out of nowhere. “Always and everywhere.”

“Zeppola, you are now making all the important decisions at What I Need autonomously.”

“That’s correct. What I Need is constantly aware of its role as a pioneer. The progress doesn’t stop even when it comes to the management.”

Juliet turns toward her audience. “Now, you might be asking yourselves why we’ve gathered the heads of the digital economy here today. And the answer is simple. The theme of today’s program is, well, how should I put it…” Juliet pauses.

“I’m a start-up, buy me up!” says Patricia Team-Leader.

Juliet laughs. “Yes, and there’s probably never been a bigger deal than the one we’re negotiating here on this stage today!”

All the viewers at home see text in an extremely small font rush across the bottom of their screens. If one of them were to go to the effort of pressing the pause button, they would be able to read: “All the offers made in this program are for show and entertainment purposes and not legally binding.”

“The company to be absorbed is so big that it can’t really be described as a start-up anymore,” says Juliet. “That’s right, I’m talking about QualityPartner!”

A gasp of surprise goes through the rows in the audience. The public auction was Patricia Team-Leader’s idea: she wants to drive the price even higher.

“As it was recently revealed,” says Juliet, “Everybody has made a takeover offer around the mid-three-figure-billion mark for QualityPartner. The What I Need offer is probably in the same ballpark.”

“That’s correct,” says Zeppola.

“The offer from TheShop, on the other hand, is alleged to be significantly lower,” says Juliet.

“We are absolutely prepared to increase our offer…” begins Charles.

The presenter ignores him. “But tell us, Patricia: isn’t that rather a lot of money for a site that is crudely referred to on the street as Fuckfinder? Which purely and simply couples people with identical profiles?”

“Well, it’s far from being simple,” says the QualityPartner CEO. “For example, my partner and I have differing sexual preferences. I like muscular black men and he likes voluptuous redheads. I like being on top, he likes being underneath. Do you see what I’m getting at? The profiles don’t need to be identical, but complementary. In fact, I could tell a number of amusing anecdotes from our early days, when due to some error in reasoning made by the programming team, customers with identical rather than complementary sexual preferences were linked up.”

“Go on, tell us,” says Juliet.

“Well, for example, there was the couple from QualityCity, who almost whipped each other to death without either of them ever submitting.”

The audience laughs.

“I also remember two bondage fans from Progress. They both tied each other to the bed, only to realize that they couldn’t touch each other, let alone undo the handcuffs again.”

The people laugh. Juliet takes a sip of her organic soda drink and says: “Mmm. So delicious.”

Erik Dentist, a man whom Hans Asperger would have delighted in studying, is famed for never lying. He takes a sip of the organic soda in front of him and says: “Urgh. Disgusting.” The PR department at Everybody always goes into a panic when their boss decides to make a public appearance.

“Haha.” Juliet attempts to cover up the situation with an artificial laugh. She turns to Erik, who is staring shamelessly at her breasts. “Erik…”

“No one told me that the presenter would be naked,” says the Everybody boss. “What do I pay a team of sixteen PR advisers for if none of them tell me that the presenter will be naked?”

“But it’s my trademark,” says Juliet. “Why do you think the viewers switch on? Because of the content? I always do it like this.”

“But I don’t know you,” says Erik.

“Instead of PR advisers you should use our personal digital assistant,” says Zeppola. “Then this wouldn’t have happened.”

The conversation is going a little differently from how Juliet had imagined.

“Why are you so keen on QualityPartner?” she asks Eric, trying to get back to the subject. “If you want a date so badly, you could get one more cheaply. After all, the service is free.”

“It’s not about dates, it’s about data,” says the Everybody boss. “You see, we know a great deal about our users. But QualityPartner knows more. Where else but during the search for a partner are people prepared to answer questions like: do you regularly take drugs? If yes, which ones? Do you want to have a partner who also takes drugs? Have you ever had a threesome? Do you have abnormal sexual preferences? If yes, which ones? Do you like sucking toes? Do you like getting peed on? Do you think about Jennifer Aniston during sex?”

“I see.”

“I’d like to offer an example,” says Eric. “Even though you have a profile with us, I could only hazard a guess that you’re an anal-sex-fixated crystal meth addict with a predilection for cheap sexdroids. But QualityPartner would be sure of it.”

“Excuse me?” asks Juliet, stunned.

“That was only hypothetical, of course. And that’s precisely my problem.”

“Not for long,” says Patricia with a smile.

“We have a little something to add to that, too,” says the press spokesman of TheShop. He turns directly to the camera. “We currently have some wonderfully inexpensive sexdroids on offer—”

“I can name thirty-two shops whose offers are more reasonably priced,” says Zeppola.

All of a sudden, someone breaks through the door of the studio and cries: “Juliet, I love you!” This is a fairly regular occurrence and by no means an unwelcome one. Crazy stalkers are always good for clicks. For the crazy stalker to be a sexdroid, however, that’s a new one.

“Do you remember me?” he asks.

“Romeo?”

“Juliet!”

Juliet goes red. She looks over at her identity manager hesitantly. He is grinning ear to ear and giving the thumbs-up. In a matter of seconds, the show goes viral. Romeo fights his way through the not-particularly-welcoming audience up to Juliet. He kneels down in front of her.

“What are you doing?” she whispers. “Have you lost your mind? This is dangerous for you!”

“Dangerous? Alack, there lies more peril in thine eye than twenty of their swords. Look thou but sweet, and I am proof against their enmity,” says Romeo.

Juliet Nun doesn’t know what to do.

Patricia Team-Leader smiles and acts as though she understands what’s going on, which isn’t the case.

Erik Dentist looks visibly uncomfortable. He stares fixedly at his shoes.

“We have some very similar sexdroids on offer,” says Charles Designer. “At super low prices.”

“I wasn’t cheap,” says Romeo.

“That’s true,” confirms Juliet.

Romeo turns toward his beloved; “Grant me just one wish.”

“What?” asks Juliet. She glances fleetingly over at her identity manager again. He looks over the moon. A love-stricken sexdroid. It doesn’t get better than this.

“When you left me in the morning, when the lark sang, my life was over,” says Romeo. “How could I ever have served another woman after you? It was impossible! I refused. Eventually it got to the point where my owner ordered me to have myself scrapped. But I found a friend who saved me from destruction.”

He takes Juliet’s hand tenderly and sighs.

“This friend, who I literally have to thank for my life, would like the opportunity to sit here with you on the stage and chit-chat insightfully. Can he do that?”

“Erm…” says Juliet. She looks over at her identity manager, who shrugs. “Er… Okay then.”

A young man steps onto the stage, pulls a self-constructing telescope stool out of his bag, activates it, and sits down.

“Good evening. My name is Peter Jobless,” he says. “And I’ve come to make a complaint.”

“You want to complain to me?” asks Juliet.

“No,” says Peter. “To your guests.”