Qualityland

* * * QualityLand * * *

Your Personal Travel Guide

LEVEL

You’re probably wondering whether the man next to you at the pedestrian crossing really did just switch the light to green with a click of his fingers. Yes, he did. And you’ve probably also noticed the people who get served quicker than you in restaurants, even though they arrived later. There’s even talk of people who, with a wave of the hand, can bring a train they just missed back into the station. All of this has nothing to do with magic: these are level abilities.

The grading of all people into different levels was inspired by a harmless subroutine used by the programmers at QualityPartner. In order to find suitable hits for the mass of profiles more quickly, they graded each profile. This enabled the system to work more efficiently. When looking for partners for Level 16 heterosexual women, for example, it will only take Level 16 heterosexual men into consideration. When the marketing department heard about this, they immediately made sure these levels were made visible to the public. And the users launched themselves enthusiastically into the competitive race to achieve ever-higher levels.

Today, the RateMe department is more profitable than the rest of QualityPartner put together. The name, by the way, is the result of a misunderstanding. A QualityPartner employee, listening to his personal radio station, heard an old rock song in which the singer demanded: “Rate me, my friend!” Only once QualityPartner started to advertise RateMe, using the song as backing music, did observant listeners point out that Kurt Cobain had not actually sung “Rate me,” but “Rape me.” But this little faux pas didn’t affect RateMe’s triumphal success.

In principle, it’s very simple. You register for RateMe, give the system access to your data with a kiss, and are then immediately graded. According to rumors, the lowest level is Level 2. It seems that nobody is graded at Level 1, so that even the Level 2 people think there’s still someone beneath them. The fear of being able to fall lower is considered useful, because people who think they have nothing to lose are dangerous. The highest level is 100. Although presumably there aren’t actually any Level 100 people either, because even the Level 99 people are supposed to believe that there’s still room for improvement, that they still have someone above them.

In the beginning, RateMe only offered a simple level display, but it’s now possible to look at one’s values in forty-two different sub-areas, all of which contribute to the overall level. These areas are: flexibility, resilience, innovation, creativity, ability to be a team player, enthusiasm, taste (very controversial), networks, age, health, place of residence, job, income, assets, relationships, social competence, career motivation, education, IQ, EQ, dependability, sportiness, productivity, humor (also controversial), sex appeal, body mass index, accessories, punctuality, friends, genes, family health history (after all, who wants to be with someone who’s likely to get cancer?), life expectancy, adaptability, mobility, openness to criticism, work experience abroad, response rate and speed on social networks, openness regarding new consumer offers, stress resistance, discipline, self-confidence, table manners.

Allegedly there are another fifty-eight areas, but these, just like the weighting between the levels, remain a QualityPartner trade secret.

One hundred points separate one level from the next, thus enabling continual self-optimization. Through targeted improvements in individual areas—such as in sportiness—it is possible to raise one’s overall level, which leads to an upward spiral motion in which external factors like monthly income, job, and account balance improve almost automatically. Of course, this spiral can go downward just as quickly.

The level system is incredibly practical, and a large variety of institutions now pay RateMe in order to access the level data for their employees, customers, or citizens. Banks give credit depending upon levels. Employers use level data in order to compile precise job advertisements. (Interestingly, by the way, 81.92 percent of all job adverts in QualityLand are almost identical, along the lines of: “IT Technician Level 16 or higher urgently needed!”)

Many shops, restaurants, and clubs only open their automatic doors for people with a certain minimum level. A person’s level also dictates the intensity with which the police will investigate if one is unlucky enough to be murdered.

Companies, institutions, and even the state itself offer numerous bonuses for people at higher levels, in order to reward the continual self-optimization of their workers, customers, or citizens. These level abilities are incredibly sought after and a source of great pride to their new owners. But in order to ensure that no one runs through town needlessly flicking traffic lights to green, many level abilities are bound to the expenditure of so-called MANA. The higher your level, the more MANA you will have at your disposal. If, for example, you make an elevator come directly to your floor, that will cost you 32 MANA. But these 32 MANA are not lost forever. Your supply regenerates itself after a cooling-off period. The higher the level, the quicker it regenerates. Other level abilities provide you with new rights. People above Level 16, for example, are never asked to take in parcels for their neighbors.

People with a single-digit level are officially classified by the state as being in need of support. Unofficially, they are referred to as “the Useless.” And there are a great many useless people in QualityLand.

On our portal, you will find an interactive map of QualityLand. The neighborhoods with a high number of single-digit-level inhabitants are marked in red. You should steer clear of these areas. As a tourist, you can upgrade your visa with a temporary level figure. If you are planning to visit the more exclusive nightclubs, please inform yourself in advance about the required minimum level. Given that you are unable to speak QualityLanguage without an accent and probably look a little foreign, we recommend that you pay out for at least Level 10, because in QualityLand the police are allowed to stop and search all individuals below Level 10. And given that the policemen are paid on a commission basis, they usually tend to find something objectionable once they’ve stopped you.