The Dance of the Voodoo Handbag

15

'˜Yeah, all right,' said Roger. '˜So I'm a stealth fox/dog/horse/human hybrid, but we don't choose our parents, do we?'

'˜No,' I said, '˜I suppose we don't.'

'˜I'm quite a rarity as it happens. You won't find many blokes like me about.'

'˜That's hardly surprising. Bestiality is not exactly an everyday thing.'

'˜Come off it,' said Roger.

'˜What?'

'˜Haven't you ever wondered why so many dogs look like their owners?'

'˜You're not saying-'

'˜There's a lot of splashing about going on in the gene pool nowadays. They're breeding pigs with human genes in them to use for heart transplants. So a bloke is transplanted with one of these hearts, he's got some pig in him then, hasn't he? And who's to say where that will lead in a generation or two?'

'˜So you reckon that eventually all the species on earth could intermingle.'

'˜Every one that can. It will be the next step up the evolutionary ladder.'

'˜What a load of old toot.'

'˜Please yourself. But I'm telling you the truth. Surely you've noticed how people's attitudes have changed towards animals? And I don't mean just their fondness for dogs and cats. '˜What about all those protests about live sheep exports? And all that 'њSave the whale and protect endangered species'ќ? Mankind never cared about anything like that before. But every year that goes by, people become closer and closer to animals. Shit, they even have CDs of singing dolphins. And more and more people are turning vegetarian, why do you think that is?'

I shrugged.

'˜Perhaps they've already got a bit of sheep in them.' Roger ran a long and pointy tongue about his lips. '˜Makes you think,' he said. '˜But listen, do you want me to help get you out of here, or what?'

'˜Yes, please,' I said.

'˜OK. I'll do it, but in return you must do something for me.'

'˜What's that?'

'˜I need a mate.'

'˜Fair enough,' I said. '˜I'll be your mate.'

'˜Not that kind of mate, you twat. I need a mate to mate with. One of my own.'

'˜I thought you considered all humanity fair game, as it were.'

Roger shook his head. '˜I don't want to join. I'm an outsider and I intend to remain one. I'm not joining any pack, I want to mate with one of my own, and that's that.'

Well, how would I know where to look?'

'˜You're a detective, aren't you?'

'˜Yeah, but-'

'˜I've got a photo. Of my mate.'

'˜You have?'

Roger fished it from his pocket and handed it to me. '˜She's an estate agent. Most of my kind go into professions like that, used-car selling, the law, she was great at what she did, but then she went missing.'

I examined the photo. '˜Bugger me,' I said.

'˜If you think it will help,' said Roger.

'˜No, I mean, I've seen this woman. She was dressed in a chauffeur's uniform. She walloped me. I think she's in the pay of Billy Barnes.'

'˜Right.' Roger snatched back the photo and tucked it away. '˜Then we're in this thing together. Are you up to escaping?'

'˜Yes I am.'

'˜Then let's do it.'

I was very impressed by the way Roger did it. I didn't see quite how he did it, but did it he did.

'˜How did you do that?' I asked, once we were out in the car park.

'˜It's what I do best,' Roger said. '˜That and eating chickens, of course. Can't seem to break loose of that habit. Show me a hen house and I just go berserk. Rush in there, ripping and chewing, feathers everywhere and-'

'˜Quite,' I said. '˜But I'd rather not know.'

'˜Sorry. So, which car do you fancy?'

'˜You're thinking of stealing a car?'

Roger shrugged. '˜Unless you have a better idea.'

'˜No, it's fine with me, after all I'm a convicted murderer. What's a bit of grand auto theft?'

'˜Small change,' said Roger. '˜So which one do you fancy?'

I pointed. '˜That one,' I said. '˜The electric blue 1958 Cadillac Eldorado, with the big fins.'

'˜Just the jobbie.'

Again I didn't see quite how he did it, but Roger got the engine running and the soft top down. He sat at the wheel and I sat down beside him.

'˜So,' he said, '˜which way?'

'˜Brentford, I suppose. That's where I last saw Billy Barnes and your foxy lady.'

'˜So which way's Brentford?'

'˜I don't know, which town are we in?'

Roger shrugged once more. '˜I've no idea,' he said. Well just drive out of the car park and we'll find out.'

'˜Fair enough.'

Roger drove us out of the car park and we found ourselves travelling through a modern-looking town that could have been anywhere. A branch of Next, a branch of Gap, a branch of the Body Shop. Roger followed the one-way system'¦

And soon'¦

We're back in the car park,' I said.

'˜Should I try another way?'

'˜I think so, yes.'

Roger drove us out once more. He took a left turn this time, and soon we were passing a branch of Next, a branch of Gap and a branch of the Body Shop. And then we were back on the one-way system and back in the car park.

'˜You prat,' I said to Roger. '˜Let me drive.'

And so I drove. Out of the car park, second turn on the right, past the branch of Next, past the branch of Gap'¦

'˜What the fuck is this?' I asked as I drove back into the car park.

'˜Always the same,' said Roger. '˜I was hoping you might have been different.'

'˜I might?'

Well, I've tried all the other inmates. But no sod seems to know how to get out of this town.'

We'll walk,' I said.

'˜Tried it.'

'˜You've tried walking?'

'˜Dozens of times, but it's always the same, no matter how far I walk, I always end up here. That's why they're so lax on security I suppose, no-one can go anywhere.'

'˜That is bloody absurd. If you keep on walking you must get somewhere.'

'˜Not from here,' said Roger. '˜I think it's like some kind of Mobius strip. No matter which way you go you always end up in the same place.'

We'll walk,' I said.

And we did.

We walked for hours, this way and that way and round about. But no matter where we walked or how far we walked, we always ended up right back at the hospital.

It must have been around the twelfth time when we returned to find Nurse Cecil waiting for us.

'˜Your lunch is getting cold,' he said. So we went in for lunch.

Will you be having another go later?' Nurse Cecil asked. '˜I could make you up some sandwiches and a flask of coffee if you want.'

'˜Most amusing,' I said, but I wasn't amused.

'˜Feathered wings,' said Roger, '˜we might try feathered wings.'

After lunch (mine was porridge, Roger's was T-bone steak and chips), I sat in the recreation room pondering my lot. Certain thoughts entered my head and I kept them there. The morning had been like one of those terrible dreams where you're desperately trying to get somewhere but you can't. You miss the bus and the train and your feet don't work properly and you wake up in a right old state flapping your hands about and going '˜No, no, no.'

There obviously had to be some way of escaping from this hospital and this nightmare town. But obviously it wasn't the obvious way.

Which left'¦

My behaviour all the next week was exemplary. I mopped floors and smiled politely at the male nurses and the doctors, I even shared a joke or two with Cecil. I watched Roger as he came and went, but I never ventured out again into the car park.

The doctor said I was making progress. Well, he didn't actually say it, but- '˜Tell me about the Necronet,' the doctor said.

'˜What can I tell you?' I asked. '˜In theory it is a virtual world created by computer technology. The personalities and memories of people can be downloaded into it. The world in there would appear as real to them as the world out here.'

'˜And you believe that you entered this virtual world?'

'˜The way to a man's belief is through confusion and absurdity,' I said. '˜Jacques VallГ©e said that. I've been giving it a lot of thought over the last week.'

'˜And what conclusions have you come to?'

I shrugged in my straitjacket. Well, take the security video for instance. That would appear to show me murdering the young businessman. I could argue that there are numerous ways it might have been faked, but it is doubtful that anyone would believe me.'

'˜The question is surely what you believe.'

'˜I should believe the evidence of my own eyes. Even if it conflicts with what I remember.'

'˜Or think you remember.'

'˜Exactly. And there we have the problem. Is my memory accurate? Perhaps I did kill the young man, but I've blanked it from my memory. It's possible.'

'˜More than possible,' said the doctor.

'˜Indeed. My problem appears to be in establishing what is actually real and what isn't. You see within the Necronet I had a digital memory, I could call up any past experience and instantly replay it, be right in the place it happened. Solid and real. I no longer have a digital memory, therefore I must conclude that I am back in reality. That this hospital is in the real world.'

'˜Very good.'

'˜And yet, when I tried to escape from the hospital last week I found that no matter where I went I came right round in a circle and ended up here.'

'˜This town is a planner's nightmare,' said the doctor.

I nodded. '˜Nightmare,' I said. '˜My thoughts entirely. Or like one of those computer games where you're in a maze and unless you can work out the secret passwords, and get the energy and stuff, you just go round and round in circles for ever.'

'˜A rather unfortunate analogy,' said the doctor. '˜Considering your circumstances.'

'˜I agree, because if I was still inside the computer simulation, I would have the digital memory.'

'˜Exactly,' said the doctor.

'˜Unless'¦

'˜Unless what?'

'˜Unless my digital memory was being suppressed.'

'˜Oh dear,' said the doctor, reaching towards the little button on his desk.

'˜No please, bear with me just one minute. Imagine this scenario. Imagine that I never left the Necronet. That this is not the real world and not a real hospital.'

What a pity,' said the doctor. '˜And you have been behaving yourself so well. I thought the tablets were really beginning to help.'

'˜I stopped taking the tablets,' I said. '˜I haven't taken them for the last week.'

The doctor shook his head sadly, and his finger pressed upon the button.

'˜I believe that the tablets are memory suppressants,' I continued. '˜Little silicone chips with programmes that deny me access to my own memories. I believe that if I had my digital memory back, all I would have to do to escape from this place would be to think my way out of it. Imagine myself somewhere else, somewhere I used to be, and I'd be out. Gone. In the twinkling of an eye.'

The office door opened and Nurse Cecil loomed. '˜Kindly take the gentleman back to his room,' said the doctor. '˜And double his dosage from now on.'

Nurse Cecil stood with an idiot grin on his face.

'˜What gentleman?' he asked.