Almost Perfect

MADONNA IS A GAY ICON FOR BEGINNERS

Jack looked round the nightclub, a little sadly.

For a Saturday night, it was early, but still rather quiet. The bar staff sulked in a corner, polishing some glasses, texting, and generally ignoring him.

He turned to Ianto. ‘It’s a bit sad, in a way, you know.’

Ianto nodded gently. He had been working through a clipboard, ticking things off happily. He was now watching a Welsh digital channel on the flat-screen. ‘It’s true what they say, you know. You can never have enough about hill farming.’

Jack finally got served, and he carried their drinks over to a table that was sticky with spilt pints.

Ianto sipped his wine and grimaced. ‘This is vile.’ He ticked a box on the clipboard.

‘I did warn you to stick to spirits,’ said Jack. ‘The worst they can do is water them down.’ He sighed again, looking round the room. ‘Could you not have left it a little fabulous?’

Ianto shook his head. ‘Sorry. No. Look, it was a fairly major operation getting the machine to untangle all those body parts and make everyone normal. Even so, there’s some poor kid in Barry who’s missing a finger.’

Jack shrugged. ‘Not our worst day. Memories?’

Ianto nodded happily. ‘Completely wiped. Never had less trouble getting people to take Retcon. I just told them all it was E.’

‘You are going to hell, Ianto Jones.’

‘Yes, Jack. But I’ll still make a very pretty corpse.’

‘That you will. Although there’s some stubble showing.’

Ianto nodded, beaming. ‘Oh yes. Last night as a woman according to the machine. Yay.’

They clinked their glasses.

‘Gwen’s already arranged to pop round tomorrow and steal all my clothes.’

‘Good old Gwen.’

‘So what about them?’ Ianto gestured to a couple sitting quietly in a corner.

They were old, almost impossibly so, shrivelled in their clothes, which hung raggedly off them, far too young and fashionable for them. Each was clutching a glass of water and looking at nothing in particular. One had the wispy remains of fine blond hair. The other sported a random thatch of dark hair. You could somehow tell they’d once been devastatingly attractive.

Jack raised his glass to them, and they looked away.

‘Sad,’ he sighed. ‘Not everyone gets a happy ending.’

‘So is that it for the Perfection?’

‘Pretty much. Completely disconnected from whatever powers they had, pumped full of Retcon. Seemed the kindest thing, really. I mean, would you want to remember? So they’re now just mutton dressed as chicken.’

Ianto sighed quietly. ‘They were gods once. They shaped worlds, ruled empires… and now they’re just growing old, trapped in Cardiff.’

‘As I said,’ said Jack, sipping his drink, ‘not everyone gets a happy ending.’

They left the club when the Karaoke started. As they headed for the door, a drag queen tottered onto the stage and began a Cher medley. A lesbian couple joined in, brokenly. And a strange little man in a cap shuffled onto the dance floor and, entirely for his own happiness, began to do the Running Man dance.

‘All’s right with the world,’ sighed Jack as he sailed through the door.

Jack and Ianto stood on Charles Street, watching the evening go by.

A hen party staggered past, their progress impeded by the number of limbs that were in plaster. A voice screamed, ‘Come on, Kerry, you dozy tart. Zambuca’s not going to be 2 for 1 forever you know…’

Ianto watched them go, smiling broadly. ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘Let’s go down the Bay. I’ve got a promise to keep.’

And so they walked, in silence, until they came to a bridge overlooking a large amount of sea.

Ianto handed a small, glowing bag to Jack. ‘Can you do this?’ he asked. ‘I’m not sure I trust myself. If I touch it again, I might ask it to do something.’

‘And you’re sure this is what it wants?’ asked Jack.

‘Yes. Just some peace. It’s bored too, I think.’

‘OK then,’ said Jack. And he reached into the bag and pulled out the machine, which glowed happily in his hand. For an instant, it seemed like Jack was listening to a voice.

‘Is it offering you anything?’ asked Ianto, anxiously.

‘Nope,’ said Jack. ‘Already perfect.’ And he tossed it casually into the Bay.

It skimmed expertly across the waves, and then quietly vanished from sight.

‘Bon voyage,’ said Jack.

And the two of them stood there for a while, just watching the water.

‘So,’ said Ianto finally, turning to Jack.

‘Yup,’ said Jack.

Ianto leaned in, quietly. ‘I’m only a woman for one more night, you know.’

Jack grinned broadly. ‘Then let’s make the most of it…’