Almost Perfect

IANTO JONES COULD TEACH YOU, BUT HE’D HAVE TO CHARGE

Ianto sat on the fire escape, sobbing to get his breath back. He opened up his handbag, and took out the bag with the alien device inside.

‘Oh, you,’ he thought. ‘You’ve caused so much trouble. What the hell do I do now?’

He opened the bag, and tipped the device into his hand.

Captain Jack Harkness, at your service! Boomed a very familiar voice in his head.

‘Why are you doing that?’

I’m the voice of who you most admire, Ianto Jones. Great shoes, by the way.

‘Thanks. But I wish you wouldn’t do him.’

Oh, come on, Ianto. It’s just a bit of fun. Puts you at ease, doesn’t it? Admit it. Just a little?

‘It’s comforting, yes. But it’s not right. You shouldn’t sound like him. Not when I’m trying to work out what to… do…’

It’s really easy.

‘Is it? Can you make everything right? Can you? Jack and that room and me?’

Yes. Trust me, Ianto.

‘I’m not sure I can. I’ve seen what those creatures did looking for you.’

But Ianto – all the people I’ve helped. I helped so many on that boat.

‘But so many people died. And look at me.’

I can fix you. And Jack. I can fix him too.

‘NO!’

You love him. He doesn’t love you. You saw him in there. But I can change all that, Ianto Jones.

‘How can I trust you? Those creatures in there. They relied on you, and you-’

That’s different. They were boring.

‘What?’

I got bored. I always did. A few thousand years of perfection, and I’d make them move on. You know how it is. You cure war, famine, plague and pestilence and then… you know… it’s the small stuff. I’m better off moving on. Like that Littlest Hobo doggy. Who doesn’t love a dog?

‘Again, what?’

I got bored. I made them come here. I thought it’d be a change. And I just wanted to move among you. When Ross and Christine stole me, I went willingly. And the Rift’s made me so powerful. It’s been brilliant. Mending lives – you people are so broken. I’ve lived on worlds where people had far less, led simpler lives and were so much happier. But look at you – you’ve got warm, dry homes, food, shops with Lego. And you’re all miserable. I don’t want to go back.

‘I’m not sure you’ve got a choice,’ said Ianto.

The machine sighed.

‘Can you do what I want you to?’

Yes. There was a petulant note.

‘It’s asking a lot.’

Trust me, it’ll be pretty spectacular. It’ll be like the Bonfire Night and New Year’s Eve all rolled into one.

‘I love a show, me.’

Ianto climbed back inside, and strode down that horrifying corridor to the door. He could sense the entire house breathing around him.

It’s not too late, you know. Would Jack do this? Ask yourself that.

‘I don’t care about that.’ He shook his head. ‘I am Ianto Jones and this is how I roll.’

He straightened his skirt, reached for his gun and kicked open the door.