Almost Perfect

IANTO IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN STATIC CLING

Gwen and Jack sat in the boardroom, trying not to look at Ianto as he came in with a tray of coffee.

‘How?’ she mouthed.

Jack shrugged.

Ianto leaned forward to pass over a cup and Gwen boggled. She mimed melons to Jack. He nodded.

Ianto looked between the two of them, stiffly.

‘OK, team!’ said Jack. ‘It’s a busy day. Lots to cover. Ianto’s a woman, a ferry nearly sank and static electricity is up by twenty-three per cent.’

‘What’s top priority?’ asked Gwen.

‘Ianto,’ boomed Jack. ‘Unless you’re wearing nylon.’

‘OK,’ said Gwen. ‘How did he… she…? I mean…’

Ianto shrugged. ‘I just woke up like this. No memory, slight hangover, pair of breasts. Honestly.’

Gwen nodded. ‘Right. Nothing unusual then?’

‘Well, not apart from the surprising lack of cock.’

‘A situation we can all sympathise with,’ sighed Jack. ‘Ianto Jones is brilliant, you know. He wakes up. Different fingerprints, voice, DNA, so how am I going to recognise him? He kisses me. And I know at once! Isn’t that the most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?’ He grinned dopily.

Ianto looked embarrassed. ‘It really is me Gwen. I really don’t know how I can prove it to you, but-’

‘Please don’t kiss me!’ Gwen protested, giggling and waving him away. ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’

‘I’m fine. Confused, mildly frightened, but basically fine.’ Ianto nodded. ‘It’s me, Gwen. If I’m a cunning alien infiltration plan, then I’m the worst ever.’

Jack smiled. ‘We’ll sort it out. We always do. Somehow. Don’t you worry, Ianto Jones.’

‘Thank you. To be honest,’ admitted Ianto, ‘bit freaked.’

‘Yes, but, on the scale of things, it’s hardly another nuclear blast in Aberdare. It’s more for our HR department.’

Gwen looked troubled. ‘But we don’t have an HR department.’

‘We’ve got you,’ said Jack, and smirked.

Gwen didn’t rise to it. Instead she patted Ianto on the arm. ‘We can solve this. This is nothing – we got you back from being invisible.’

Ianto nodded, his hair cascading neatly down his shoulders. ‘And now I’m the Highly Visible Woman.’ There was a little of his old voice in his laugh.

Gwen glanced at Jack. ‘We should start with his memory, shouldn’t we?’

Jack nodded approvingly. ‘There is something I had in mind, yes.’

Ianto looked alarmed. ‘Oh. You’re going to use something alien on me, aren’t you?’

Jack nodded. ‘Kind of. It’s an anti-retcon pill. Supposed to reverse memory loss.’

‘But…?’

Jack pulled the pill out of a pocket and picked some fluff off of it. ‘It’ll take a while to start working. If it works at all. Maybe three days. Sooner if there’s a trigger. Plus, there’s a tiny danger that you might remember Everything.’

‘What’s wrong about tha-oh.’

‘Yup,’ said Jack. ‘It’s not selective. You might suddenly have a head full of maths tests and Monday mornings.’

Ianto smiled bravely. ‘Who’s to say I don’t already?’ He took the pill, which tasted pleasantly fruity.

‘Hmm,’ said Jack. ‘Hope that was the right pill.’ He patted down his pockets. ‘Ah well. Let me know if you start seeing clowns.’

‘Right,’ said Ianto quietly. ‘Well, let’s wait and see.’ He looked around the room. ‘What’s next?’

‘The ferry crash. Well, by all accounts, more of a ferry prang, really. Although that hasn’t stopped David Brigstocke calling it “a major maritime disaster” on Radio Wales.’

‘Tosser,’ tutted Gwen and Ianto together.

Jack stood up. ‘We should get going.’

Ianto remained seated. ‘Can I stay behind? If that’s all right? I’d like a chance to, you know, work on my memory. Do a few cosy, familiar things. Clean the coffee filter. Feed the Weevils. Stuff.’

‘Good idea,’ beamed Jack. ‘And anyway, I don’t trust you round sailors looking like that. I’ll take Gwen. Much safer.’

He swept out. Gwen scowled at his back and followed him.

Ianto waited until they’d gone, and then slumped onto the table, auburn hair spilling out across the lacquer. ‘Oh god,’ he moaned.