Almost Perfect

THE STRANGE ALIEN DEVICE IS PLOTTING TO TAKE OVER FROM JEREMY KYLE AFTER THIS

Emma pottered around the flat, checking the clock three times a minute. She’d dashed home from work, so many things to do to make herself ready for her date. She’d ignored the voice in her head, assuring her that she’d look amazing and that Rhys would be enormously attracted to her. She just pressed on – sipping on a slightly-too-hot cup-a-soup while she scribbled out a battle list, then managing to shower, do her hair, dry it, style it, do it again, and set it into place while skipping through six different outfits and working out a make-up style somewhere between Marcel Marceau and Jordan.

She suddenly had half an hour to kill. A dead half hour spent prowling round the flat, laughing at articles in Take A Break, or flicking through the music channels. She found herself unloading the dishwasher.

The doorbell rang. He was early! All excited she stumbled into her shoes, cursing, and threw open the door. Oh.

‘Hi,’ said Gwen. ‘I’m Gwen.’

‘Bloody hell, you’re the ex,’ hissed Emma, instantly at battle stations.

‘Well, er, yes, I suppose so,’ she replied, looking mildly annoyed at the admission. As well she might, the cow. ‘Look, it’s all tricky, but I was wondering if I can pop in for a chat. You know.’ A bright little smile.

‘A chat? You’re actually asking if you can come in, and sit opposite me, sipping on milky instant and talking away in a friendly manner? All girls together, is it?’

‘Well, yeah.’

‘And then Rhys turns up – and what’s he supposed to think of that little picture, eh?’

‘Oh, I’ll be long gone before that.’ Gwen nodded sympathetically.

‘Oh, I’m sure you won’t be. How’s he supposed to move on if you’re stalking him, Gwen, luv?’

The big, big smile vanished. ‘I’m not here for his benefit. I’m here for yours.’ She nudged forward a little.

Emma felt a something build up inside her – like a fire, or a fury, or the biggest sense of disappointment. This was how it always had been, always would be. She’d never get what she wanted. Everything would always fail. Everything would always go wrong. She’d finally meet someone like Rhys and there would be his ex. Ready to trip everything up – always there. Quiet drink in the Bay? Aw, that’s great, luv, and Gwen said she’d drop by, isn’t that lovely? An evening at the cinema? Let’s go see the new Bruce Willis, Gwen said it was dead good. And afterwards we can go to that new Italian place Gwen’s been raving about. She’ll be there, of course. What a pleasant surprise. Fancy seeing you here.

And suddenly Emma was in the kitchen, watching the kettle boil, finding some cups, spooning coffee into them and making small talk even she wasn’t listening to. She noticed limescale was building up around the sink and she thought, ‘Oh, I can really have a go at that this weekend,’ at some level admitting she wasn’t going to have anything better to do.

Somewhere in her head, life and love was about constantly wandering between the bedroom and the living room, about lying next to the man of your dreams in a constant laugh. And yet… Somehow she knew she wouldn’t be pottering round the Organic Farmer’s Market with Rhys any time soon. And all because of her. Gwen. Who’d clearly just asked her a question. She was sat there, expectantly. A slight pout on her face. A little look of…

‘I’m sorry, Gwen. I was miles and miles away.’

I bet you were, thought Gwen. She’d stared round the flat, which was all right in its own way. A bit of her had been praying it was full of empty bottles and cat hair, but it was actually rather neat and a bit stylish. A couple too many scatter cushions, but hey.

Up close, Emma seemed… OK. Gwen had been in the company of killers. Of psychos. Of giant, pure evil. And Emma was none of those things. Emma was just a very pretty woman who didn’t seem that sure of herself. ‘And what must I seem like?’ Gwen thought. ‘I must look like the most possessive ex ever.’ Which was in some ways a bloody good thing. ‘Let her fear me.’

‘I said, how did you meet Rhys?’

‘Oh,’ replied Emma, ‘it might sound really silly, but speed-dating. We had an instant connection.’

‘Oh, nice,’ said Gwen flatly. ‘He’s told me all about you.’

‘Has he?’ said Emma. ‘He was just so honest and straightforward, you know. So many of the men there… nothing to them. But Rhys – well, I just thought I’d like to see him again.’

‘Good,’ said Gwen.

‘Yes,’ said Emma.

There was a second’s silence.

‘Look, excuse me, but why are you here?’ asked Emma, eventually.

‘What? Me? Oh, just a friendly chat.’

‘It’s not normal, though, is it? How long is it since you two split up?’

‘Aw, well, ah… couple of months I guess.’

‘And you’ve moved on?’

‘Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah. History! Water flushed under the bridge. Whoosh. Still great mates and all, but… Over.’

‘It’s just that, Gwen, luv, here am I about to go on my first proper date with him, and you turn up.’

‘… Yes…’

‘That’s not normal, is it?’

‘Well, we’re great mates.’

‘Gwen, you should let go.’ Emma tilted her head to one side, and reached out a hand to pat her on the arm. ‘I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, but I can tell you how it’ll seem to your great mate. He’ll think you’re sad, lonely and desperate.’ She sighed.

Gwen pulled back, puffing up like a bloater fish. ‘Hey! It’s not like that. It’s not like that! If you knew why I was here…’

Emma stood up. ‘Oh, Gwen, I know exactly why you’re here. There was a time when I was like you. When I was just a bit pathetic. But look at me now. I’ve moved on up. I’ve moved on out.’

‘And nothing’s going to stop you now?’ Gwen laughed, despite herself.

Emma smiled. ‘Yeah. OK. You got me.’ And then her smile froze. ‘And you’ve got a very distinctive laugh.’

‘What do you mean by that?’ Gwen suddenly sensed danger.

Emma shook her head. ‘And I thought I was nuts – but you were there. You were literally at the speed-dating. Along with Rhys. Oh my god – that’s so lame. You’re actually a stalker. You were there. I remember you at the bar now. Oh, I pity you. Genuinely pity you. And it’s been ages since I’ve pitied anyone.’

‘Look,’ said Gwen, hotly. ‘The truth is-’

Emma didn’t listen. She didn’t care. She could see something wrong and broken. She could see a world with her and Rhys together – and she could imagine one without Gwen in it. She walked over to the window, quietly reaching for her handbag.

Yes! About bleedin’ time, gal!

‘Gwen, let me tell you about myself. I was lonely, I wasn’t happy. But I kidded myself that everything would be all right. That I didn’t have to change myself. That the world would change for me. That I’d find the ideal man without any effort. I was wrong. And I’ve been blessed with the ability to see all that. To make myself better. To make the world a little better. I’ve moved on. And I don’t have time for people like you any more. You have to understand, Gwen – I’ve got a picture of an ideal world. And, no matter how lovely you are, you’re just not in that picture. Sorry.’

‘My god,’ thought Gwen, watching as Emma fiddled with her make-up compact. ‘This is strange. It’s like… megalomania or something. But if she’s as dangerous as we thought…’

Oh no, you’ve got it all wrong.

What?

She doesn’t want to rule the world… but I do :)

Gwen stood up, suddenly feeling – her head, oh her legs, that voice, that voice in her head. And Emma standing there, her back to her, laughing. Gwen stretched out a hand horrified to hear the cup falling from her grasp, falling through her arm.

Emma turned around, gave a little gasp and then giggled. Then she saw the mess from the spilt cup, and rushed off to get kitchen roll. She called through, ‘Gwen, luv. I’ve a friend. And this friend understands I don’t want you around to ruin my date with Rhys. So we’re painting you out of the picture.’ She was back, kneeling down and scrubbing at the wet patch of carpet. ‘I dunno – perhaps there’s a space for you in the world in the end. Perhaps there isn’t. But you see, my friend is very powerful – they can change things for the better. For MY better. And I just don’t want you around, not at the moment. So let’s not have you, eh?’

Gwen tried to run across to her, but only managed a couple of steps. Bringing her face to face with herself in the mirror. Only she wasn’t. There was no Gwen in the mirror. Gwen stopped.

Gwen stopped.

And then the doorbell rang.

‘Ah, Rhys!’