Almost Perfect

YVONNE IS NOW LIVING IN A FISH RESTAURANT

It was early morning when Gwen made it to the Hub.

When they’d got back to the flat, she’d just wanted to crawl into bed, but she’d made herself turn right around and head back out. Well, almost.

She’d tried phoning, but no one had answered her. When she arrived, the cavernous office was silent.

She suddenly realised how empty the enormous place was. How quiet and cold. A gentle ticking came from the Rift Manipulator.

‘Hello?’ she cried.

She went over to the coffee machine and felt it. Stone cold. This was a bad sign.

No Jack. No Ianto.

A sudden horrible thought struck her – what if they’d died? Would that make her Torchwood? Would she be the last line of defence for Cardiff, Wales and occasionally Earth?

Bums.

There was a noise behind her, and with relief she saw Ianto climbing out of an accessway. He was looking… amazing. Grubby, but amazing. He was in a long Fifties-retro dress with a work smock wrapped around it. His hair was hidden under a scarf. He was covered in dust and a couple of scratch marks. He smiled and shook out a duster.

‘Hey, Gwen!’ he said a little too brightly. ‘How are you?’

‘Oh, amazing. Where’ve you been?’

‘Small vermin problem. Well, large vermin problem really. The Rift’s causing minor mutations to nearby wildlife. Luckily the rats aren’t getting bigger – just longer tails, but the shrews are enormous. And have started singing.’

‘You should get a cat,’ said Gwen.

Ianto looked a bit sad. ‘Oh, they had a cat before I joined. Yvonne. But no one’s seen her since we got the pterodactyl.’

‘Oh.’

He shrugged, a little sadly. ‘Oh I’m sure she’s fine – Yvonne was very cunning, by all accounts. But Jack had me going through the pterodactyl’s stools for a month looking for evidence.’

Gwen grimaced. ‘Where is the Fearless Leader?’

Ianto was again a bit too bright. ‘Oh, I’m sure he’s around.’

‘Have you tried calling him?’

‘Yes,’ admitted Ianto.

‘And he’s not answering you?’

‘No.’

‘Ah.’

‘I’m sure he’ll turn up.’ Ianto sank miserably down onto the sofa and cradled his chin in his hands.

‘You’ve said that already.’

‘Not quite that, I think you’ll find. I used a broadly similar but equally evasive turn of phrase.’

‘But Ianto, this is important, Rhys and I have solved the speed-dating thing.’

‘That’s great, Gwen, really great,’ said Ianto, flatly.

‘Hey! What’s up?’ said Gwen, losing it a little. ‘This is big news. We brought back a talking pebble and everything.’

She pulled the evidence bag gently out of her jacket.

Ianto started with horror and surprise. ‘That… that’s the thing that… I found on the boat. Before I changed.’

Both of them had a few seconds of just breathing very, very hard. And staring at the device, glowing gently through the bonded polythene-carbide bag.

‘Well, bugger me,’ said Gwen, eventually.

Ianto’s voice was soft, and scared. Gwen noticed he was chewing the end of his hair. ‘The energy cloud, this object. Jack said it was all his fault somehow. He said he knew who was behind it. And he went off to find them.’

‘Oh, that’s brilliant!’

‘Not really – he went off nearly twelve hours ago. I’ve tried everything to find him, and I can’t. He’s vanished.’

Gwen suddenly understood Ianto’s mood. She put the device down on the desk and frowned. ‘I can see why you’re worried. I mean, what could Jack have been doing all night?’

THE PERFECTION ARE RUTHLESS, TIRELESS AND HAVE A HIGH THREAD COUNT

And, on the other side of Cardiff, Jack Harkness fell back exhausted on the bed and cried out, ‘Please fellas, not again!’