Almost Perfect

ERIC DOESN’T FEEL LIKE DANCING, NO SIR, NO DANCING TODAY

The mewling woke him briefly

‘Hey,’ Jack said

‘You’re alive?’ asked the mewling, amazed ‘Always’ he said, and he found that funny briefly ‘Stop laughing! Stop! Please!’ cried the mewling. ‘You’ve been laughing for ten minutes. Please stop.’

OK, maybe he’d found it funny for a bit too long there He wasn’t really sure

But he was Captain Jack, he was a fun guy to be with Fungi to be with. Was that ever funny? I guess it is now Laugh again He contemplated opening an eye, then decided it was too much like hard Actually, really needed to pee Should do something about that at some point soon So, back to opening an eye

Coming back to life was always a struggle – maybe one day he just wouldn’t be bothered and that would finally be it Good thing/Bad thing?

Really need to pee, can’t ignore it any more The mewling started again

Eye open, finally, wince, that’s really, really bright… Ride it out, Harkness, let’s see where we Oh

Not good

‘Hey!’ he said to the mewling. ‘It’s Eric isn’t it?’

The DJ from the night before looked up (down?) at him. He was making an effort to stop crying, sniffing bravely like a child.

‘Yeah.’

‘Hi! Captain Jack Harkness!’ Jack loved his back-up personality. Always there, glowing away faintly, lighting the way to the fire escape. ‘I would shake you by the hand, but if I’ve still got one, I certainly can’t move it.’

‘Can you help us?’

‘Again, I’d shrug if I could. I’ve got a good track record. How long have we been here?’

‘Eight hours, I think. You’ve not moved for four.’

‘Good watch, kid.’

‘I’ve nothing else to do but count.’

‘Hey, there’s a copy of Metro in my coat pocket. I’d hand it over to you if I could move and if I had any clothes.’

‘Thanks,’ said Eric. ‘I could leave you a message in the I Saw You column. “I saw you embedded in a wall, Tuesday. You looked back. Drink?”’

Jack laughed.

Eric looked at him sharply. Jack stopped laughing.

‘How long was I laughing this time?’

‘Eighty-seven seconds.’

‘Close to mania. Curious.’

‘And irritating.’

‘Says crying man.’

‘Hey, I’m in a lot of pain.’

‘I can see that.’

‘Can you? It’s just that I can’t move.’

‘I can see that.’

‘I can’t feel my legs.’

‘That’s cos you’ve not got any.’

Pause. That was tactless.

More mewling. Some screaming.

‘I mean, not that I can see. Stop crying. It’s the wall – they’re embedded in the wall behind you. Who knows. Probably all there. All fine. Looks worse than it is – seems to be concrete, but it’s alive and breathing and… smells quite meaty. God knows, I mean, I’m sure it’s all fine. I’m probably in a worse state.’

Now Eric laughed. ‘Can’t you see?’

‘Not really, no. Can’t move my neck.’

‘Captain Jack Harkness, you’re just a head. Well, a bit of torso.’

Back-up personality. Say something.

‘Breasts? I never was much of a breast man, but if it’s all I’ve got left… Even a nipple?’

Sudden thought. Is the need to pee real or illusory? Perhaps I should just let it go and see what happens. But then, what if the resulting sensation is both imaginary and gross?

I am in a wall.