A Rage for Revenge

67 The Woman Who Dropped the Bomb

I heard her come in.

I still didn't know what I wanted to say to her.

I put the empty glass down on the table next to me-how long had I been holding it?-and stood up to face her.

She looked terrible. "Are you all right?"

She nodded. She waved at the robot. "Eye-gor, make me a Poison Apple."

We stood and looked at each other. I didn't know if I should go to her. She didn't know if she could come to me.

"It wasn't. . . ." She swallowed and started again, "It wasn't anything like I expected. It was very odd." For a moment she looked very fragile. "It was . . . so easy. The computer beeped and I pressed the release. I felt the plane jerk when the bombs fell away. There were two of them. They were shaped warheads, designed to spread the blast sideways. They were supposed to go off simultaneously. I guess they did, I don't know.

"I don't know what I expected. I almost forgot to climb. Those were my instructions. Once the bombs are away, stand the bird on its tail and climb. The blast caught me from behind. It threw me across the sky. The whole sky was white. I've never seen anything like it-"

She stopped and steadied herself. Eye-gor rolled up with her drink. It was tall and red and bubbled and smoked. Dry ice at the bottom? Lizard sipped at it.

She caught her breath and continued talking, as if she hadn't stopped at all. "The sky looked like it was on fire. The clouds boiled away in seconds. Just in the heat of the blast. I don't know what the videos will show. I didn't stay to look. I got out of the plane, I debriefed-I told them what I just told you, there's nothing else to tell-and then I came home. I didn't know if you'd still be here."

"I told you I would." She started shaking.

I took a step toward her, but she held up a hand to stop me. "Jim-I've just dropped the first nuclear weapons that the United States has used in war in almost a century. All my life, I've been taught that only a madman would use nuclear weapons. All my life, that's been the single most unforgivable sin. That's how we survived the Apocalypse crisis-by disavowing nuclear war. The whole planet swore never again. Never again. And I'm the one who broke the vow."

"You're not the only one."

"I dropped the first two bombs, Jim-"

"Elizabeth!"

She looked up, startled.

I said, "What if I had dropped those bombs instead of you?"

"I would hate you now," she said. "I would hate anyone who would do such a thing."

"So you think now that I have to hate you?"

"Don't you?" She gulped her words out.

"No. Because I would have dropped those bombs if I could."

"No. . . ." She shook her head. "No one wanted to drop those bombs. They gave me the job because . . . because they hate me. "

"They gave you the job because they knew you could do it!"

"I hate them," she said, "for doing this to me. I hate them almost as much as I hate myself for doing it."

"You did it," I said, "because it had to be done."

"Goddammit! Don't you think I know all this? I was in the air an hour each way. Don't you think I've been over all this already myself? Quit trying to make it better!"

"Goddammit yourself!" I screamed right back. "You asked me if I could still love you! Well, I still do! So what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know-but quit trying to be so goddamn supportive! I hate people being supportive! I hate it!" She threw her glass at the wall. It shattered in a bright red stain. Eye-gor beeped and started picking up pieces. Lizard started screaming at the robot. She started kicking it. It started making little squeaking sounds. They sounded like whimpers.

"Lizard!"

"Leave me alone! Let me have my tantrum!" She kicked Eye-gor again. It toppled over and lay where it fell, its wheels spinning wildly. It began making that awful "robot in distress" shriek. She kept on kicking and banging it with her fists.

"Lizard! Those robots are expensive! And hard to replace!" I came up behind her and grabbed her by the waist and by her left wrist. She would have tipped me over her right shoulder, but I was ready for her. I twisted her left arm back-she broke free and punched me in the stomach; I was already dodging sideways and she hit my rib cage instead of my solar plexus. I hooked a leg around her calf and toppled her backward-she pulled me with her. I hit the bed and rolled. She came down on top of me-

I grabbed her in a hug so tight she didn't have room to punch. I rolled her over on her back and looked down into her eyes. "KNOCK IT OFF!"

She suddenly ceased all resistance. She went limp in my arms. "I can't . . . " she said. "I can't fight it any more." And then she started crying.

I held her while she cried. Her body shook. She gasped and coughed. She was racked with spasms. She screamed. I was terrified for her, but I didn't let go.

And then the worst was over and she began crying softly in little weak gulps. "I'm sorry, Jim."

"For what?"

"For everything." She wiped at her nose. "For screwing everything up."

"You didn't screw up!"

"I dropped the A-bombs. I'll never be me again. I'll always be 'the one who dropped the bombs."' She sniffed. "They'll probably make up some nasty name for me. Like, the Mad Bomber of Colorado."

I thought about it. "That's not nearly nasty enough. Or clever enough."

"Well, it's the best I can do," she said. "After all, I'm still upset."

"You want to kick the robot again?"

"Oh! Did I break him?" She tried to sit up.

I pushed her back down. "That's what they're going to call you-the Robot Killer!"

"They will not. Let me up. I want to see-" I sat up with her. Eye-gor had a vicious dent in its side, but it had somehow righted itself and was wiping the rest of Lizard's drink from the wall. It rolled with a wobble.

"They will not call me the Robot Killer-I only winged him."

"You want to try again?"

"Naw. If at first you don't succeed, the hell with it." She turned to me and became more serious. "Do you really love me?"

"Why do you keep asking?"

"I guess I find it hard to believe," she admitted. "I'm so used to people not loving me-" She added, "Or loving me and leaving me."

I said, "Lizard, sweetheart. It's easy to love someone when everything is wonderful. The proof of someone's love is that they still love you when everything is awful. I do love you-though I couldn't begin to tell you why. I don't care how many atom bombs you drop. I don't care how many robots you kick to death. I do love you. I will always love you."

"Even if they call me Lizzy the Hun?"

"Even if they call you Lizzy the Hun."

She sniffed. "I probably don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do. I pick my nose, I eat crackers in bed, and I fart in the bathtub. You deserve every bit of me. People who drop atom bombs don't deserve any better than me. I'm your punishment."

She laughed gently, and pulled me to her in a hug. When we finished kissing, she said, "Let's get out of these clothes. I want you to hold me close and I want to fall asleep in your arms, and I want to wake up in your arms. I want to have breakfast in bed with you, and then I want you to fuck my brains out. I want you to stay with me, Jim, and I want to have it be all right to love you back."

"Mm," I said, unzipping her jumpsuit. "Who am I to argue with Lizzy the Ripper?"

"You're a brave man, that's who." She was already undressing me.

"Mm," I said. "Do that some more. Mm, I like that. You can kick my robot to death any time."