A Rage for Revenge

24 Second Thoughts

Jason looked weak. He asked me to walk with him. I realized I didn't want to.

I said to him, "You taught me to tell the truth, Jason. Always."

His eyes were as sharp as ever. "What's the matter, Jim?"

"There's something wrong somewhere. I've got a nugget of doubt. Part of me still isn't committed. It's still testing. And I don't want to test any more. I just want to do my job."

"You are doing your job, Jim. Truly." He put his arm around my shoulder. "Part of your job is to test. Do you know that? Your job is to test the truth. Always. That's how you know it's true."

I shook my head. "It sounds good, Jason. I mean, the funny thing is, it's all so logical. I mean, it's a perfect logical trap. You led my mind down a primrose path and it stepped in the bear trap. It's caught. I can't do anything any more without knowing that it's my mind doing what it has to do so it can survive."

"Yep," he agreed. "Annoying, isn't it? How do you think I felt when I came to my first Revelation?"

"I never thought about that."

"I was pissed as hell for a month."

"Oh. I'd have thought . . ." I felt foolish. "Thanks," I said.

"Now, let me ask you. There's something specific that you're concerned about? Right?"

"Jessie's baby. Why did you let her do it?"

"I didn't let her, Jim."

"Huh? Then you disapprove?"

"I didn't say that either. Listen carefully. It was her responsibility, Jim. She didn't ask for my permission. She didn't ask for my approval. I asked her to look at what was appropriate. After the Revelation, she came to me and told me what she thought was appropriate. She didn't ask me to do anything about it. She just told me."

"But you agreed with it?"

"Agreement is irrelevant."

"You could have stopped her."

"And that would have diminished her, Jim. She'd had her own Revelation too-just as you did-about her relationship with the new gods."

"I guess . . . I guess I'm looking for some sign of humanity."

"You're looking for what you think humanity is, Jim. But remember, all you have as a definition of humanity is the old node of being human. What we're up to here is creating a new mode of humanity. And what Jessie did may very well be a part of it."

"It hurts," I admitted.

"I know," he said.

"Doesn't it hurt you too?"

"Yes. I have feclings of pain and sorrow, very strong ones. I'm the baby's father."

I stared at him. He nodded. He touched my shoulder and we kept walking. I didn't know what to say.

Jason said, "Just remember, Jim. You're not your feelings. Your feelings are never valid justifications for your actions. If you get angry, does that justify your being violent? No. It only explains it or rationalizes it. But it doesn't let you off the hook. You are still responsible. I'm responsible for Jason over here. Jessie will be responsible for Jessie over there."

I said, "I guess there's still too much I don't understand. It feels wrong to me."

"I know. And it will probably continue to feel wrong for as long as you keep identifying with your old standards of human lachavior. You're going to have to give those up if you're going to live with the gods, Jim."

I stared at the ground as we walked. "I don't know, Jason. It keeps getting harder."

Jason clapped me on the back. "Of course it does. That's because you're getting bigger, more powerful-so you keep needing heavier loads to bear. You're growing up, Jim. Just remember this: God never gives anyone a heavier burden than they can carry."

"How convenient."

"Are you ready for your new job, Jim?"

I shrugged. "I'll find out when I do it, won't I?"

Jason laughed. "You'll be all right. Listen, we're going to be moving out before summer. We need to arrange a convoy. We need to find a new location. We've got some places in mind, but we really need to access a terminal and see what's available. What we want is a secluded ranch somewhere. We'll need fuel for the trucks, we'll need to replenish our store of rations. We'll need some frozen meat for the babies. We've just about used up the dogs. "

"Jason?" I interrupted.

"Yes?"

"I know the Chtorrans are omnivorous. They can eat trees and plants and shrubs and vegetables and just about anything else. Why do we have to have meat for them?"

"It forces their growth, Jim. Meat is high-energy food. Plants aren't. Plants are lower on the food chain. The new gods would have to spend all day foraging, all day eating, and pretty soon the countryside around here would get pretty bare. And that would show up on the satellite scans. By feeding them meat, we keep them fat and happy and that buys us enough time for us to school each other. Meat gives us the energy surplus we need to stay at the extraordinary level with the new gods."

"Oh," I said. I was trying hard to figure out the biology of the situation-without the overlay of philosophy. It was getting harder and harder.

"We could have a dozen babies if we had the resources to feed them. But we don't. That's why I want to find a place where we can start a food-breeding program. I think sheep or goats. There's so much we have to do. You're going to be a valuable part of it, Jim."

"Me?"

"Mm-hm. I'm thinking about your military background. You could access a military terminal, couldn't you?"

"Sure."

"Well, I'll bet we could find a lot of the information we need from the central military banks, couldn't we?"

"I'm certain of it."

"And supplies?"

"Sure. The army cached supplies all over the country during the plagues. Especially in the aftermath year, when everybody was trying to put things together. The army had substations all over the place. Some of them are just sitting there forgotten. When the government started to recentralize, a lot of stations were just locked up and left. It'd be easy to list them."

"There's a station near Atascadero. You mentioned that one once. Would that be a good place?"

"No. That's a Special Forces base. I sort of lied about that. I wanted you to attack it, because I knew the kind of force they had there. They'd have clobbered you. No, stay away from the Atascadero base. What you want is something like . . . oh, let me see. Not Diablo. Too much radiation. Hm, Stockton's too populated still. Livermore might work. But I think the best bet is to hit one of the numbers on Interstate 5. I'll have to check the maps. "

"Could you do it by Thursday?"

"The day after tomorrow?"

"Mm-hm. What we want to do is target the most likely area, und as soon as we get to a public terminal, update our maps and make u final decision."

"I'm going with?"

"Uh-huh. "

"You trust me? Even with my doubts?"

"Jim, you'll always have doubts. We both know that. So what? I'm not interested in your doubts. I'm interested in your results. Are you going to produce results for me?"

"Of course."

"Terrific. Then there's nothing to worry about, is there?"

"No. I guess not."

"You guess?" Jason smiled wryly.

"No, I don't guess at anything anymore."