A Rage for Revenge

47 Recriminations

I turned off onto the canyon road.

Three klicks up, there was a sharp curve. Hidden in the bend, out of view of anyone who might be coming down the road was a roadblock of two schoolbuses.

Betty-John, Birdie, Big Ivy, and a handful of teenagers were there. All of them were carrying weapons. I pulled the torch out of the back of the van and joined them.

Birdie had listened. Good.

She came up to me and asked, "How did it go?"

"We got almost all of them."

"What about the children?"

I nodded. "There were seven of ours that I recognized, and three more from I don't know where." I named the ones I knew; Birdie didn't look happy. "Colonel Wright is taking care of them tonight in Santa Cruz."

Betty-John asked, "What happened to the renegades?"

I said it without emotion. "We didn't take any prisoners."

"Good," she said. She started to turn away, then she turned back to me. She looked haggard and broken. "You were right, Jim. "

"I would have rather been wrong."

"What I'm trying to say is that I should have listened to you before."

"Yes, you should have." This was hard for her, and I wasn't making it any easier.

"I-I'm so sorry. I should have believed you, but-I never thought-well, I'm sorry, that's all."

I knew what I was about to say and I wasn't going to stop myself from saying it. "I'm sorry too, B-Jay. Because sorry isn't enough. It never is. I'm the expert on sorry. I can't find Tommy. Alec's dead. Holly might as well be. You want to know something? I'm more angry at you than the renegades."

"I'm trying to apologize-!" she blurted. "Do you have to beat me up too?"

"Yes, I do! Goddammit! Because I don't have anyone else to take it out on!"

She started to protest, then she realized what I'd said, and stopped herself. "Go ahead," she said. "Let it all out. Let me have it then."

I hesitated-

"Go on . . . "

-and then I couldn't help myself. I let it out. I let it all out. "You narrow-minded, thoughtless, stupid, inconsiderate, self-centered bitch! My kids are dead! And how many others? They'd be alive tonight if you'd have just listened to me. We could have had the fences up by now! All I wanted was to save the kids, but everything had to be done your way. You had to analyze it, you had to have meetings about it, you had to think it over! And then you had the gall to tell me that I was acting paranoid and psychotic! Well, look who paid the price!"

She looked shaken. "Is that all?"

"No! You got what you asked for! This is it, lady! Dead children all over the street! The children paid for your stupidity!"

The tears were streaming down her face now. "Is there anything else you have to tell me, Jim?"

How could she stand to listen to me like this? I'd have decked me. I should have stopped, but I couldn't. I had to say it. "I hate you, B-Jay. I'll never trust you again."

She was sobbing. She choked and said, "Go on, Jim. You're the only one who'll tell me the truth. I betrayed Family. You're right. I don't deserve anyone's trust. Not ever again." She was crumbling before my eyes.

In the middle of my anger, I wanted to grab her and hug her and tell her that it wasn't true, she was still worthy of our love and trust and respect. But God, I hated her so much! I wanted to kill her. I wanted to get even with somebody. Anybody.

Poor B-Jay.

She'd done her best. She just didn't know. If only she'd listened to me-the confusion was driving me crazy!

I didn't know what I was feeling any more. "I don't have anything else to say."

B-Jay turned away from me, she fell into Birdie's arms and started crying. Birdie gave me a foul look. Big Ivy cocked her rifle loudly and glared at me. I turned away from them all.

Big Ivy came up to me. "You're an asshole," she said.

"Tell me something I don't know."

"Don't you think she feels bad enough?"

I wheeled around to fix her with an angry stare. "Don't handle my case! You don't know what I had to do tonight. You don't know anything! At least B-Jay can cry it out now. I can't."

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all . . ." Birdie started to say.

One of the teenagers called. "Douse your lights! Everybody!" He held up a walkie-talkie. "Lookout says there's a van coming." B-Jay pulled away from Birdie, wiping her eyes. "Everybody: positions!"

I walked around one of the buses and stood in the blind part of the curve. I unshouldered the torch and waited.

It wasn't long.

We heard the engine growling down the canyon. We heard a screech of tires. We saw the beams of the headlights

It was a minibus. It came barrelling around the curve too fast to stop. The driver saw the roadblock too late and tried to turn. The van slid and skidded and slammed sideways into one of the buses, knocking it into the second bus.

Almost immediately the van tried to back up-I laid down a swath of flame across the rear.

The door to the van popped open and the driver hopped out, holding his hands in the air. He was only a boy.

"Lie down on the ground," I ordered. He threw himself flat. I stepped away from the tree I'd been hiding by. I waved toward B-Jay. Someone switched the headlights of one of the buses on. Other people were moving out from the bushes now, their guns pointed at the van.

"Come out slowly," I ordered, "with your hands over your heads."

There was no response.

I went to the van and puiled open the door and peered in. They hadn't been wearing their seat belts. There were six of them. Two were unconscious. Delandro was cradling Jessie in his arms. Marcie had a rifle pointed toward me. Frankenstein looked like he had a broken arm.

I pointed my torch at Marcie. "Drop it, stupid. Or this whole van goes up in flames."

She looked to Delandro. He nodded. She put the rifle down. "Everybody out," I said. "Hands over your heads." I turned and called to Birdie. "We're going to need a couple of stretchers!" B-Jay came up to me then. She peered at the renegades as they climbed out of the van. I made them lie down on the pavement next to their driver.

"Which one is their leader?" she asked. I pointed at Delandro with the torch. "I'm going to burn him," I said.

B-Jay stepped in front of me. "No, you're not," she said.

"B-Jay-he killed my kids."

"He's going to have a trial first."

I stared at her. "You've got to be kidding! After what he did today-?"

"I'm not an animal, Jim! Sure I want revenge-but not so badly that I'm willing to throw away what little humanity I have left! I haven't fallen as far as you yet!"

I lowered my torch. I stepped close to her. I said, "I know these bastards. You go ahead. You think you can have a trial? You try and I'll tell you exactly what's going to happen. You won't be able to. You're going to end up giving them back to me. And then I'll burn them. I can wait."

Betty-John didn't answer. She started directing the cleanup operation. I went back to my van and tossed the torch in the back. I drove back to Family alone.