Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming

Chapter 2

Prince Charming was leaning out of one of the high win­dows of the Enchanted Castle. He was in a good mood, lazy and well pleased. Love does that to a man, at least for a while, and Charming was in the first rush of it.

Still, it was disconcerting to see, as he watched through the window, bits and pieces of the Enchanted Castle disap­pearing.

He looked again, toward the stables. Half of them had disappeared while he was looking the other way. He reminded himself that they'd have to get out of here soon. This castle wasn't going to last long, the way the power of its protective spells was running down.

"Darling! Come down! Our guests want to meet you!"

Scarlet's voice floated up the staircase to the bedroom where Prince Charming was supposed to be arranging his tunic. He liked to have his clothes look good. He knew this party was a big occasion for Scarlet, because this was the time she was bringing over Cinderella and other storybook friends. Charming wasn't completely sure how he liked having all his friends imaginary beings from folklore, but it seemed to be working out all right.

He was interested in the way the Enchanted Castle worked. As he stood there, watching, he could see a piece of the entrance road which led under the castle wall. Suddenly a section of the wall vanished. A stone gargoyle on one of the battlements disappeared.

"Charming!" Again, Scarlet's voice. "Where are you?"

A slight petulance to the voice ... It occurred to Charming that he didn't know his sweetheart very well. He had assumed that the eternal happiness promised to them in the fable was of the self-creating, self-adjusting kind, not meaning he had to do adjustments himself. All right... .

With a final glance at his appearance in a tall mirror, he departed and went down the stairs. Below him, in the great ballroom, an orchestra in black tie and white perukes was saw­ing away at something polyphonic. The guests stood about, under the great crystal chandeliers, sipping champagne and nibbling canapes.

There was Scarlet, arm in arm with Cinderella, who had become her greatest friend. It had been Cinderella's idea to have a waking-up party for Scarlet. It would also serve as an engagement parry for Scarlet and Prince Charming.

Prince Charming recognized two famous Irishmen among the guests. They were Cuchulain and Finn McCool. Looking around, he saw other heroes from France, Germany, from the Orient - Roland, Siegfried, Aladdin.

They saw him, and a round of applause went up. There were exclamations of "Well done, old man!"-the words one wants most to hear after having awakened the Napping Prin­cess. They sang a rousing chorus of "For He's a Jolly Good Hero."

Yes, moments didn't get much better than this, Charming decided. Even if bits of your enchanted palace are breaking away, even if Princess Scarlet has a bit more of a whine than you might have wished, his moment of triumph was sweet.

So he felt all the more trepidation when there came a loud pounding on the gate. It reverberated through the castle, and every guest stood still and gazed at the doorway.

Prince Charming said to himself, Rats! Good events don't usually introduce themselves so emphatically.

"Who is it?" he called.

"One who would crave a favor," came a muffled voice from outside.

Charming was about to say no, but then he realized that on this day of his triumph he had to face up to what came along. Storybook heroes who are about to marry the Napping Princess don't refuse to answer the door of the Enchanted Castle to anyone, no matter how bad the premonitory vibes.

"Well," Charming said, "I really don't have time for a big favor, but maybe a little favor ..."

He unbarred the door. The man who entered reminded him of someone. But where could he have met this tall, grim-faced warrior with the brazen helmet pulled down about his ears?

"Who are you?" Charming asked.

The warrior pushed back his helmet. Charming found him­self looking into the bearded half-mad face of Frike.

"Frike!" Charming said. "It's you! But there's something different about you ... let me think a moment... . I've got it! You used to be rather small and hunchbacked, and now you are quite tall, well muscled, and with no indication of a limp."

"You are observant," Frike said, smiling in a bloodthirsty manner.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"As for that," Frike said, "my master, Azzie, sent me."

"I hope he is well."

"He is fine. He has sent me here to fetch him something which I shall put in here."

Frike opened a leather satchel he carried. Within it was a sharp odor.

"Vinegar!" said Charming.

"Ye say true," said Frike.

"And why bearest thou a satchel filled with vinegar to this enchanted castle?"

"The vinegar is for the purpose of preserving that which I would bring away with me."

Charming did not much like the way the discussion was going, but he said, "And what would you bear back from here in vinegar, Frike?"

"Ah, lad, it's thy head I've come for."

"My head?" cried Prince Charming. "But why should Uncle Azzie want that of me?"

"He's angry at you, boy, because Princess Scarlet didn't kill you when she was supposed to. Thus he lost the contest between Darkness and Light which is played out on the eve of each Millennium. He's decided you're sly and unreliable and he wants your head."

"But it was not my fault, Frike! And even if it had been, why should Azzie hold a grudge against me merely for trying to preserve my life?"

"It's illogical, I'll grant that," Frike said. "But what can you do? He's a demon, and he's bad, very bad. He wants your head and I'm here to take it to him. I hate to tell you this, for it is your wedding day. But I have no choice over timing. Say good-bye to your Princess. It is to be hoped you have enjoyed her favors betides, because there'll be no aftertides when I've taken your head ensor."

"You're really serious about this, aren't you?" Charming said.

"Better believe it. I'm sorry, kid, but that's how it goes in fairyland. Ready?"

"Wait!"

"Nay, I wait for nothing!"

"But I have no sword!"

"No sword?" Frike said, lowering his blade. "But you must have a sword! Where is your sword?"

"I need to get it."

"You're supposed to have a sword on your person at all times."

"Give me a break, it's my wedding day."

"Well, go get your sword, but be quick about it."

"Frike, you were practically a father to me. How can you do this?"

"Well, I'm playing a pretty traditional role," Frike said. "The crippled servant who is slightly sympathetic but still has a fatal bias toward evil. Nothing personal, but we must fight it out with swords."

"Well, rats," Charming said. "Wait right here. I'll be back with my sword."

"I'll be waiting," Frike said, and went over to sample the buffet.

When Prince Charming had been gone almost half an hour, Scarlet went to look for him. She found him in what remained of the stables. He had just finished saddling up the swiftest goat he could find.

Scarlet said, "What do you think you're doing?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," Charming said, "but I think I've got to get out of here."

"Coward!" Scarlet said.

"Bitch," Charming said.

"But our new life together has hardly begun!"

"What matter a new life if I'm too dead to enjoy it?"

"Maybe you could defeat him!"

"I don't think so," Charming said. "Frankly, though, I'm not happy about running out like this. I sure need the advice of some wise spirit."

There was a flash of light. A voice said, "I thought you'd never ask." It was Hermes Trismegistus.