Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming

Chapter 3

I just hope we don't have any trouble with this one," Azzie said. "You got those dragon eyes ready, Frike?"

"Yes, master," Frike said. He opened the waterproof deer­skin bag in which the dragon's eyes soaked in a solution of ichor, salt water, and vinegar. He lifted out the eyes, first remembering to wipe his hands on his smock, for hygiene in those days, while still rudimentary, seemed important in this situation.

"Beautiful, aren't they?" Azzie said, inserting them into Charming's eye sockets and applying ichor around the edges.

And indeed they were handsome eyes - colored like smoky topaz, with a deep glitter to them.

"They worry me, these eyes," Frike said. "I believe that dragon's eyes see through falsehood."

"Just what a hero needs."

"But won't he see through this falsehood?" Frike asked, indicating, with a sweep of his arm, Azzie, the mansion, and himself.

"No, my poor Frike," Azzie said. "Dragon's eyes cannot see through the falsehood in their own situation. They can detect the flaw in others, but not in themselves. He won't be easily led astray, our Prince Charming, but he won't be wise enough or sufficiently farseeing to discover his own situation."

"Ah!" said Frike. "He stirs!"

Azziehad already taken the precaution of assuming his kindly-uncle disguise. "There, there, lad," he said, smoothing back the youth's golden hair.

"Where am I?" Charming asked.

"You might better ask who you are," Azzie said. "And then you should want to know who I am. Where you are comes a distant third on the list of vital questions."

"Well, then... Who am I?"

"You are a noble prince whose original name has been lost but who is referred to by everyone as 'Prince Charming.' "

"Prince Charming," the youth mused. He sat up. "I sup­pose that means I'm of noble blood, doesn't it?"

"Yes, I suppose so," Azzie said. "You are Prince Charming, and I am your uncle Azzie."

Prince Charming accepted that readily enough. "Hello, Uncle Azzie. I don't remember you, but if you say you're my uncle, that's fine with me. Now that I know that, can I ask where we are?"

"Certainly," Azzie said. "Augsburg."

"That's nice," Charming said, a little vaguely. "I've got a feeling I've always wanted to see Augsburg."

"And so you shall," Azzie said, smiling to himself to think what a docile creature he'd created. "You'll get a good look at it during training, and again when you ride out of town on your quest."

"My quest, Uncle?"

"Yes, lad. You were a famous warrior before the accident that took away your memory."

"How did I come by this accident, Uncle?"

"Fighting bravely against many foes. You slew numbers of them-you're very good with a sword, you know-but one of the caitiffs sneaked up behind you and hit you over the head with a broadsword when you weren't expecting it."

"That hardly seems fair!"

"People are often unfair," Azzie said. "Though you're too innocent to realize that. But never mind. Your pure heart and lofty spirit will win you golden opinions wherever you go."

"That's nice," Charming said. "I want for people to think highly of me."

"And so they shall, my boy, when you have performed the great deed for which you are destined to be renowned."

"What deed is that, Uncle?"

"Winning through the various dangers that stand between you and Princess Scarlet, the Napping Beauty."

"Princess who? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the great deed that will make you world-famous, and give you happiness beyond human measure."

"Oh. That sounds good. Go on, Uncle. You mentioned a sleeping princess?"

"Napping, not sleeping. But it is a severe disability all the same. My boy, it is written that only a kiss from your lips can awaken her from this spell. When she awakens and beholds you, she will fall madly in love with you. You will also fall in love with her, and everybody will be very happy."

"She's good-looking, this princess?" asked Charming.

"You better believe it," Azzie said. "You will awaken her with a kiss. She will open her eyes and look at you. Her arms will close softly around your neck, she will lift her face to yours, and you will know bliss of an order seldom experienced by mortal man."

"It'll be fun, huh?" said the Prince. "Is that what you mean, Uncle?"

"Fun is too mild a word for the pleasure you will feel."

"Sounds great," Charming said. He got up and tried a few steps around the room. "Let's go do it now, okay? I'll kiss her and then she and I can start having fun."

"It can't be quite as fast as that," Azzie said.

"Why not?"

"It is not easy to reach the Princess. You must fight your way through many perils."

"What sort of perils? Dangerous ones?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Azzie said. "But don't worry, you'll win through after Frike and I have supervised your training in arms."

"I thought you said I was already trained."

"Well," said Azzie, "a brushup will do no harm."

"Frankly," Charming said, "this whole thing sounds dan­gerous.'

"Of course it is," Azzie said. "That's how it is with perils. But that doesn't matter, you'll be fine. Frike and I will give you instruction in weapons, and then you will set forth."

"Weapons are dangerous. Other people can kill you with them. I remember that much."

You would, with your coward's heart, Azzie thought. Aloud he said, "You'll have superior weapons which none can oppose. And magical spells. And, most important of all, a magic sword."

"Swords!" Charming said, with a disgusted expression. "Now I remember swords! Horrible pointed things people use to open up great cuts in each other."

"But think of the cause," Azzie said. "Think of the Prin­cess! You will fight, of course, but I assure you, you will prevail."

"I couldn't do it," Charming said. "No, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't."

"Why not?" Azzie demanded.

"Because I remember now, I'm a conscientious objector," Charming said.

"The hell you say! You've just been reborn! That is, brought out of the deep sleep caused by your wounds. How can you suddenly be a conscientious objector?"

"Because I know very well," Charming said, "that if I were in a situation where violence was imminent, I would simply faint dead away."

Azzie looked at Frike, who looked vacantly at a spot on the wall. Even this innocent-seeming movement was capable of interpretation. Azzie knew that Frike was secretly mocking him because he had gone to all this trouble to create a Prince Charm­ing and he had had the bad sense to give him a coward's heart.

"Now, get this straight," Azzie said to Charming. "You are going to get some training. Then I'm going to get you an enchanted sword that will do away with everything it encoun­ters. And then you are going forth on this quest."

"What if I get hurt?"

"Prince Charming," Azzie said sternly, "you had better master this fear of yours. I assure you, you are going to go out of here with a magic sword and see what you can do with it; or you are going to get it from me. And since I have demonic friends, getting it from me is apt to be more painful than any­thing you can imagine. Now go to your room and wash up. It is almost time for dinner."

"What are we having?" Charming asked. "Something French with plenty of sauce, I hope."

"Beef and potatoes," Azzie said. "We're building fighting men here, not dancing masters."

"Yes, Uncle," Charming said, and walked away. There was a pronounced slink to his walk. Azzie glared at Frike, daring him to comment. The servant lurched awry. Azzie found a chair in front of the fire and sat. He stared thoughtfully into the fire. He was going to have to come up with something extra. Prince Charming was sure to cut and run the first time he was in peril. And that would make Azzie a laughingstock every­where in the three worlds. And that Azzie was not going to take.