The Stainless Steel Rat for President

Chapter 9

"Sounds like a great plan. Dad," the twins said in enthusiastic chorus.

"It would be a lot greater if that foxy Flavia weren't coming along with us," Angelina sniffed.

I took a delicate sip of the aged ron and waved my hand in airy dismissal. "Dear wife, my philandering days are long past—even if they only existed in your deliciously suspicious mind. I have eyes for no other! Even the fair Flavia." Angelina arched her eyebrows at my words, either in disbelief, or appreciation, and I did not question her as to which. Life was quiet and restful at the moment and I intended to savor every fleeting instant. Because it was sure to get very busy in the near future. This was the lull before the storm, the girding of loins before the conflict. We sat in the clearing in the forest, high in the hills above the coast, delightfully full after our rustic picnic. Empty dishes were scattered around us; the sun was dropping, as was the level in the ron bottle. James was dozing. Bolivar tinkering with the car; I lay with my head in Angelina's lap very much at peace with the world.

"This is the life," I sighed. "Maybe I ought to retire to some restful planet like this where we can while away our declining years in the sunlight…"

"Nonsense," Angelina said in her most practical voice. "You would be bored to exasperation in less than a day. The only reason you are enjoying yourself now is because you are about to go into action—and you are also half-bombed on that antique ron you have been knocking back all day."

"You slight me! I'm as sober as a octogenarian teetotaler. I can recite pi to twenty decimal places."

"Say she sells sea shells."

"See shells she sells."

"Wonderful!" She stood up suddenly and my head thudded to the ground. "Time we got going. James, carry your father to the car if he is unable to walk." James opened a conspiratorial eye and winked at me. I winked back and rolled over. Then did a quick fifty push-ups to start the blood flowing again. And instantly regretted it as flowing blood started a wicked hammering in my head. This ron was potent stuff. I finished the last dregs in the bottle and huried it from me, swearing off it for life. Or at least until tomorrow.

Within short moments we were ready for the road again. James had cleared away the debris and Angelina slipped the soiled dishes back into the picnic basket—through the cleaner slot in the lid where supersonics blasted away every remaining trace of food.

I don't remember much about the return journey since I managed to sleep most of the way. Harboring my energies, not sleeping off a drunk as Angelina so humorously suggested. Her dainty elbow in my ribs stirred me to life as we swung by Jorge's apartment. He was waiting in the shadows, darting forward as we stopped and hurling himself in beside us.

"Drive on! Quickly!" he gasped, which Bolivar of course did. "Tragedy has struck! We are lost! Flavia has been captured by the Ultimados!"

"When did this happen?" I asked.

"Just a few minutes ago. I had the call just as I was leaving. A carload of them attacked the farm where she was staying."

"Is this farm far away?"

"Not very far-a half an hour's drive perhaps."

"Then we can cut them off before they bring her in."

"Yes—it is possible!" Enthusiasm replaced despair. "Turn left here, quickly. There is only the single road. But I must warn you, they are heavily armed and dangerous." Jorge looked around at us as though we were mad, as we all burst out laughing at once. Then fell back into our seats as Bolivar gunned the car to roaring life. Armed and dangerous indeed!

It took us less than five minutes to reach the road that led down from the plateau. Hopefully we were ahead of the heavies. I stood up in the back seat and surveyed the scene for long seconds, working out a plan.

"Right," I said pointing at James. "Dig out a full-size debonder and some needle guns. Everyone out of the car. Bolivar, take it back down the road out of sight. Angelina, you are going to be the bait in the trap."

"How thoughtful!"

As the car thundered away I pointed my flashlight at a large tree that hung over the road. "Use the debonder to drop that tree right across the road..." I tilled my head as I heard the sound of a distant car. "And quickly, since I can hear them coming." We could see the advancing headlights as we took up our positions of concealment on both sides of the road. Angelina lay sprawled beside the tree, her legs under the trunk as though trapped. The headlights grew brighter, sending swooping beams through the trees, then the car was around the bend with the downed tree directly before it. Brakes squealed and for one horrified moment I thought the thing would hit Angelina. But it shuddered to a stop in time, and she waved an arm feebly and called out for help.

And that's all there was to it. The driver emerged and while his door was open there was the slight rustle of the needle guns firing. Powerful electromagnetic fields hurled out the tiny slivers of steel. Each one tipped with a powerful sleeping drug. The driver folded down neatly onto the road as I jumped forward, flashlight in one hand, gun ready in the other.

My precautions were not needed. The car was filled with the gross and snoring forms of the secret policemen. And, as a measure of our marksmanship, a frightened and conscious Flavia sat in their midst.

"You have been saved," I said taking her hand and helping her from the car. And dropping the hand quickly as my wife appeared, brushing dust from her skirt and firing up the furnaces in her eyes. Jorge took over where I left off, not only taking the abandoned hand but kissing it passionately. He was a great one for kissing was Jorge.

"Other than the fact they almost ran me down it was a satisfactory operation," Angelina said. "All we have to do now is put the driver back into the car with a thermite grenade in his lap." I sighed and gave her hand a good kissing, a la Jorge, since it seemed a nice thing to do.

"I died a thousand deaths while the ancient brakes on this vehicle labored to do their job. Next time I lie under the tree and you shoot the Ultimados. James, Bolivar, would you be so kind as to lay these sleeping uglies out of sight in the woods. Please help yourself to what you might need from their pockets. Jorge—that's it, let her hand dry off for a minute—can you drive this car?"

"Of course! Do you think I am a peasant?"

"Never! Sorry. Can you think of a place to drive it to where it won't be found for awhile?"

"Of course, A nice high cliff above the bay where it will hurtle down into the sea and rest there for eternity."

"I think that will be long enough. So that is your job. Yes, that's right, a few last quick kisses for Flavia's hand and you can take off." We all waved as the police car rocketed away. Flavia turned to face us and I noticed for the first time that one eye was half-closed and she had bruises on her face.

"I'll get the medkit," Angelina said. "And if I had known that they had worked you over—those Ultimados would be having a far longer sleep."

"I can find no way to thank you," Flavia said, with feeling. "Not only for saving me, but for what you plan to do. Jorge told me everything. Can you do all that you say?"

"He can do anything," Angelina replied, applying antiseptic cream. "With a few certain exceptions as long as I'm around."

"All finished. Dad," Bolivar said, emerging from the woods with an armload of clothing. James was behind him, laden with shoes. "We saw what they did to this young lady so we figured it would be nice if they had to walk back to town naked and barefoot."

"Most considerate. Flavia, these are our sons, James and Bolivar."

They shook hands enthusiastically, while Angelina patted my arm and smiled. "Love at first sight, I can tell by the way they crinkle their eyes. Now shouldn't we get moving?" We got. Climbing up the road to the plateau, then turning onto the main highway, following Flavia's instructions.

"Once we get into the interior we will be safe, for the Ultimados only dare venture there in armed convoys. But there will be immense difficulties in penetrating the Barrier."

"What is that?" I asked.

"It goes right across the continent and is impossible to get past except at the guard stations. Barbed wire, layers of it, electrified steel mesh fence with poison barbs in the top, concrete walls, mines, detectors of all kinds. Completely impassable."

"Sounds easy enough to get by," Angelina said. "Jim, open another bottle of that nice champagne to settle our nerves while you work out a plan." Flavia sat on the jump seat sipping daintily at her wine. I barely tasted mine; there had been enough drinking for one day.

"Tell me about the guard stations," I said.

"They are small forts that span the road, which is then completely sealed to passage by double steel gates. Many troops are stationed in the forts and they have heavy weapons of all kinds. In order to pass you must have proper identification. And everything is searched. We will never get by."

"Never," Angelina said firmly, "is a word that our family does not contain in its vocabulary. What do you think, Jim? The barrier or the guard station?"

"The station, of course. It is easier to deal with people than trying to blast our way through all that concrete and hardware. How much further do we have to go?"

Flavia looked out at the next signpost caught by the beam of our headlights. "Two hundred kilometers, perhaps a little more."

"Did you hear that, James?"

"Got it."

"Log it then, so you can turn on the radar about forty Ks out. You should get a good image. Stop when you're ten Ks short of the target and we'll go to action stations." I could see from her expression that Flavia thought we were mad. Rich tourists in an old car—about to take on the cream of the army. She, as well as they, had a few surprises in store. I sipped a little more champagne as I went over the details of the plan in my head.

"There it is," James said some time later as Bolivar drew the car over onto the shoulder of the road. "You don't even need the radar screen." How right he was. The twinkling lights of the Barrier stretched out of sight in both directions. While directly ahead was the floodlit bulk of the guard station. It looked ominous and impregnable. I could see Flavia shiver and I wondered if I shouldn't do a little shivering myself. Never! This world was mine for the taking. Zapilote was doomed. We could not flinch back from the first challenge.

"Now hear this," I ordered, slipping a case from under the seat. "These nose plugs will keep you awake while everyone else is being gassed to sleep. Angelina, kindly explain their use to our guide before we advance. Bolivar, close the top. James, arm the gas jets." There was a smooth whirring as the armored steel top of the open car slid into place. I nodded approval. "We'll do a dry run on the windows. James, you will close them when I say now!" There was an echoing thud as all of the windows slammed shut in a fraction of a second. "Good. Now switch me control of the laser cannon. Keep the recoilless cannon armed up there in case the barrier is too thick for the laser." A control box popped out of the arm rest at my side and I touched the buttons and checked the meters. "That's it then. Any questions?"

"Just one," James said. "When do we eat?"

"After we get through. Any other questions? Possibly some of a more earth-shaking nature? Good. Then here we go." The engine rumbled with power as we slid forward to the attack.