The Stainless Steel Rat for President

Chapter 31

I was up at the crack of dawn on election day, breathing deeply of the morning air just as the sun popped over the horizon.

"Aren't we being energetic so early?" Angelina said, opening one eye to look at the clock, and not liking what she saw.

"This is not the time for slugabeds! History is being made today—and I'm the one who is making it."

"I can't face all that ego so early in the morning." She pulled the blankets over her head. "Go away," she muffled.

I hummed happily to myself as I trotted down the stairs. The marquez was breaking his fast on the patio and I joined him there.

"History is being made today," he said.

"I just said the same thing myself."

We raised our coffee cups and drank a toast to victory. Bolivar and James soon joined us, and by the time the polls opened at nine we were already in contact with our teams in the field.

Within three minutes we had a dozen cries for help. Our poll watchers were being beaten up, two of them had been shot, and four fake voting registers had been discovered. I had expected no less. We did what we could, but our forces were small and thinly spread. And the decision had already been taken to concentrate our strength on the large cities. Our most important weapon was the offworld newsmen. When word of the canceled and fraudulent election had gone out to the planets, great interest had been aroused. A few of the big planetary networks had sent their reporters, but most of them had not had the time to make the arrangements. Therefore most of the newsmen were freelancers, forty-three of them in all.

"It's working," Bolivar said, as he finished a call on the radio. "That was the tenth precinct in Primoroso. We caught them packing the ballot box. One of the newsmen got it all on tape and there is going to be a recount. We're really lucky that so many newsmen came for this election."

"Luck, my son, is never a matter of chance." I humbly averted my eyes. "There are forty-three freelance newsmen here because that was the most I could hire at short notice. Their fares have been paid, they are enjoying their holiday, and anything they may make by selling their material is found money."

"I should have known," he said. "If there is any crooked way of getting a thing done my dad will think of it!"

I slapped him on the shoulder and turned away, too filled with emotion to speak. Praise like this is more precious than pearls. By mid-afternoon the fat was really in the fire. We were fighting a rear-guard action and barely holding our own. In some of the smaller towns we knew that we had lost since Zapilote's supporters had simply closed the polls at gunpoint and substituted their own stuffed boxes. We had to let them get away with it. It was the big population centers that counted and we were still managing to hold our own there. With any luck it might be a fairly honest ballot, with a final vote that represented the will of the people.

As the reports came in the marquez began to grow more and more depressed. He cracked his knuckles pensively and shook his head in anger.

"This is no way to go about it! We do nothing on our own! Our people just sit around looking at the wall until it is too late. Only after the illegal acts have been committed do they go into action. We can never win unless we hit them first and hit them hard. Why don't we just shoot all the Zapilote supporters?"

"My dear marquez, we have to win in the way we are doing it now. Otherwise it would not be a democratic election."

"I'm beginning not to like this democracy of yours. It is too much work. It is much easier to tell the peasants what to do. They like it that way. We know that you will make a better president than that piece of filth Zapilote. So let's just make you president and let it go that."

I sighed deeply. Gonzales de Torres, the Marquez de la Rosa, had an attitude towards the world that went with his name. He would never understand the reality of democracy. I had to count upon his kindness and personal code of values to get his cooperation.

"I'll explain some other time. Meanwhile we have to set up the automatic ballot box stuffers."

"The what?"

"The machines that will return whatever vote we like in the districts we chose."

"You can do this? And if you can do it—why aren't you doing it for all the districts and save a lot of time and effort?"

"Because we must have what at least appears to be an honest election. If our new world starts corruptly it is going to go on being corrupt. However if we have to give it a little corrupt help I intend to keep that a secret from the electors. We want them to think that democracy works—and it will work after the election. So what we are doing is keeping track of every ballot box that has been rigged, stuffed or falsified in any way. And we are not interfering with the boxes themselves."

"Then we will lose."

"No, we will win. That guaranteed in each of those districts. Because it is not the boxes that will be interfered with-but the information about those boxes."

"You have lost me," he said, then poured some ron into a glass. "This is said to help the mental processes."

"Well help mine too, thank you. It is really very simple. We are attaching one of these devices to the phone lines of each of the vote-counting officers in each of the affected districts." I held up a compact metal box with wires coming from it. He looked at it dubiously. "A miracle of microcircuitry and applied chip technology. With this we monitor all calls to a selected number. Eventually the ballots will be counted and a phone call made. The official will then read out the results. As he does this his call will be intercepted and relayed to your big computer here on another phone line. The computer will take the image of the speaker and his voice, break them down into bits, restructure them so the speaker will then give the results we want—and send the corrected image back down the telephone line. This process will take a small amount of time."

"How small? The deception will be detected…"

"Not in four milliseconds, four-thousandths of a second, which is all it will take. You have a good computer."

"We should do it for all the ballot results?"

"No, that would be immoral. What we are doing is moral but illegal. It is a fine point upon which I base my entire existence, which I will attempt to explain to you some day when we have more time. Just a drop more ron—fine, thank you—then back to work."

The results of the ballot would be declared in the Primoroso Opera House, a giant ball that been designed for this occasion. Every four years it was packed with Zapilote's followers, who would do no more than greet the rigged vote with wild applause, then hail victory just one more time. This year there would be two candidates on the platform and the results, hopefully, would be a lot different. We kept working and put off leaving as long as possible, until Angelina and the marqueza forcefully dragged us out to the waiting copter.

"Isn't that a little ornate?" Angelina asked, pointing to all the gold braid and jingling rows of medals on my uniform.

"Not in the slightest. People appreciate a good show. And they like a president to look like a president. Let's go!"

We flew to the city in an armed group, and equally well-armed cars met us at the airport. Zapilote would love to assassinate us if he got a chance so all precautions were taken. Once we entered the opera house we would be all right, since by mutual agreement no weapons would be allowed inside. Zapilote was just as careful of his skin as I was of mine.

He was on the platform ahead of us, and snarled and spat when I waved a cheery greeting.

"Not in a very cheerful mood is he? I hope he has good reason."

It was a great social occasion and the crowd was buzzing with excitement. Champagne was being drunk in great quantities, though between sips all eyes were on the great screen over our heads where the results would be displayed. Right now it read zero zero just like the opening of a ball game.

There was a sudden hush as a bell rang loudly and the chairman of the balloting committee took his position before the microphone.

"The polls are closed and counting will now begin," he said, and everyone cheered. "Here is our first count, just in, from Cucaracha City. Are you there, Cucaracha?" The screen below the scoreboard cleared and an immense projected face appeared.

"Here is the count from Cucaracha City," the man said, then lowered his eyes to consult the paper in his hand. "For President Zapilote, sixteen votes. Next, for Sir Harapo… nine hundred and eighty-five. Long live Harapo!" But as soon as he had shouted this he looked around worriedly, then vanished from the screen. The marquez leaned over to me and whispered behind his hand.

"Very good. You would never know that it was a computer talking, not the real man."

"It's even better than that—because that was the real man. An honest vote. Let's hope they all come in like that." But of course they didn't. Zapilote's henchmen had done their work well, so that a number of counts were just as skewed as the first one—only in the opposite direction. Bit by bit the returns mounted—and the tension did as well. Because we were neck and neck. Wherever an honest vote had been recorded the Avenging Terriers ate the Happy Buzzards. Far too often the opposite was true. At times we would be ahead by a whisker, at other times they led by a beak. It was neck and neck.

"It is very exciting," de Torres said. "This election business has more fascination than a bull fight. But it gives one a thirst. I happen to have some ninety-year-old ron in my pocket flask. Would you care to give me an opinion on its quality?"

Without too much urging I gave my opinion and he checked it. There were now only four polling stations to go.

"Are any of these ours?" de Torres whispered.

"I don't know!" I groaned. "I've lost track."

First Zapilote led, then the votes fell to me, then, on the next to last report, he was ahead by seventy-five votes.

"You could have done a better job of cooking the books," Angelina said. "Or simply shot the old buzzard."

"Democracy, my pet. One person, one vote, you know the theory, and the results never known until the very last vote is counted…"

"Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the report is coming in now, the very last report!" A face filled the screen above our heads and we twisted our necks to look up at it. A man, heavily moustached and gloomy of mien.

"It is my pleasure to bring to you the final ballot from the resort town of Solysombra, garden spot of the south coast…" The audience groaned and I gritted my teeth. "… the final count is… just a moment I have the paper here."

"I want that man killed at once!" Zapilote called out, and the marquez nodded agreement with the dictator for the first and only time in his life.

"Yes, here it is. It is my pleasure to report that fair Solysombra has awarded eight hundred and nineteen votes to our beloved General-President Zapilote…"

"That puts us eight hundred and ninety-four votes behind," Angelina said. "It's still not too late to poison him."

"… and for the other candidate, what's his name, yes, Harapo, I have the unhappiness to report he has managed to scrape together—my goodness!" His eyes bulged and he looked around and began to sweat. "I must report that he has… eight hundred and ninety-six votes."

The crowd went wild as the numbers were flashed on the board. Zapilote was shaking his fist in my direction and Angelina was shouting in my ear.

"You won by two votes! Your own and de Torres's."

"Truth will out!" I stood and waved back at the audience, clenched my fists over my head, bent and kissed Angelina, shook hands with the marquez, thumbed my nose at Zapilote who was frothing with rage, then stepped forward to the microphone. I had to stand there for a minute with my hands raised before the pandemonium died down. The cameras were trained on me, the ears of the galaxy waiting eagerly to hear my words. At last I could speak.

"Thank you, my friends, thank you. I am a modest man—" Angelina clapped loudly at that, which started the audience off again. I nodded and smiled and waited patiently for the applause to die away again.

"As I was saying, I am a modest man and do not thrust myself forward. But the public will has spoken and I will answer it. You have my promise…"

I'm not sure if I heard the shot, but the impact of the bullet hurled me backwards. My chin dropped to my chest and I saw the red blood pumping out, spreading.

I was falling. Falling into oblivion…