The Stainless Steel Rat for President

Chapter 29

It was only fair to let the marquez have the big picture ahead of the rest of the world. He was kicking fitfully at the shattered remains of the TV set when I handed him the computer printout.

"The answer to all our problems is right here in the constitution," I said. "Read this."

He did, with patient attention, word for word. And as he did so his scowl faded away, to be replaced by a wider and wider grin until, at the very end, he burst into a roar of laughter, hurled the printout away and seized me in a bearlike embrace.

"You are a genius, a genius I say!" I did not want to argue, although I did writhe in his grip and eventually managed to escape, but only after he had kissed me fervently on both cheeks. There are some cultures I will never understand. I was so involved in this little drama that Angelina's voice on the radio was a welcome interruption.

"The convoy is on the grounds now and inside the defense perimeter," she said. "The tapes will be here in a few minutes."

"Wonderful! The marquez and I will slip into our best uniforms so we can fire the final shot after the recordings are played." We all gathered in the library before the big projection TV. The interrupter link to the satellites was set up and ready to go at the press of a button—and I held the button in my hand. The camera was pointed at me as I stood beside the bound edition of the planetary constitution, my fingertips resting reverently upon the open page. The TV screen was filled with scenes of repulsive enthusiasm as Zapilote's followers indulged in an orgy of self-congratulation. The sound was turned down to a mutter, since looking at this nonsense was bad enough.

"You can turn that off any time you like," Angelina said.

"I can, and I will, because I can't take too much of it either. But the Happy Buzzard himself will be sure to speak, and I would love to break in then. Wait—this could be it! Will someone kindly turn up the sound."

The announcer was writhing in an orgasm of pleasure, sweating profusely as he pointed off-camera. "… yes, I do believe it is happening. Pandemonium fills the hall as this celestial being who has sacrificed himself so much in the past does us the honor of running again for head of state. He is stepping forward now, the crowd goes wild, weak women faint and strong men have tears in their eyes. He raises his hand for silence and silence instantly falls, the only sounds now the expectant panting of his followers and the thud-thud of a few more women fainting. Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of Paraiso-Aqui, it is my everlasting pleasure to introduce to you General-President Julio Zapilote!"

The screen filled with Happy Buzzard's loathsome features, made even more loathsome for being seen on the large screen. The rat-trap mouth chomped a bit before the slimy syllables rattled forth.

"I expected no less from you faithful voters. The election is over and you have done your duty and voted in the correct manner. We have heard the last of that criminal Hector Harapo…" I pressed the button and his image was instantly replaced with mine.

"The last? You treacherous little lying louse, the fight has yet to be joined! Do you think you can cheat the voters of this fair world by dropping their sacred votes out of the bottom of your crooked voting machines in order to substitute your own illegal results? It shall not be so. You are condemned out of your own mouth. Justice will be done! In your greed you have committed the serious crime that will lay you low. The world will now watch as we take you to the little town of Tortosa. The time, as you can see by the clock in the town hall, is just a few minutes after the polls closed earlier today…" My form did a slow dissolve to be replaced by the town square. James was doing the voice-over.

"The polls are now closed and the citizens of Tortosa are gathering to hear the results. For some reason, perhaps because they are Zapilote supporters, the mayor and the chief of police tried to slip out of town a few minutes ago when they thought they were not being watched. The chief of police is still unconscious, but the mayor is dying to talk to us."

The mayor looked decidedly unhappy as he faced the camera, but Rodriguez's grim presence at his shoulder guaranteed his cooperation.

"Please tell us. Mister Mayor, was the voting orderly and were all the votes carefully recorded in the voting machine?"

"Yes, of course, all was in order." He looked up in concern as the square behind him began to fill with people.

"Will you please tell us, since you are mayor of Tortosa, are these the citizens of your fine town who are gathering here?"

"Yes, most of them I suppose. I can't be sure…"

"You can't be sure? And you have been mayor-for how long?"

"Twenty-two years."

"Then you should know these people by sight."

"I can't be sure of all of them."

"You can't? Will you then point out any strangers?"

"There are none that I'm sure of, that I can see."

"Well, we must be sure. Ahh, here is the chief of police now. I'm sure that he can help us. Please tell the audience, chief, how long have you lived in Tortosa?"

"Well… all my life." Most reluctantly.

"Good. Then do you see any strangers here?" He looked around and even more reluctantly said that he didn't.

"Very good," James said. "We are just in time for the big event—the election returns are coming in. As a public service the loudspeakers will be turned on so that everyone present can hear the results." The mayor and the chief of police seemed to shrink inside their clothes when they heard the outcome of the election. When the vote for Tortosa was announced they stirred in panic, but Rodriguez stepped forward and they grew still again. Behind them the good voters of Tortosa roared in protest.

"Did you hear that?" James's voice asked. "Could something be wrong? Just two votes for Sir Hector Harapo—and every other vote for Zapilote. Let us find out for ourselves." A switch was thrown and his voice boomed from all of the loudspeakers. "Good people of Tortosa, this is the representative of Sir Hector speaking. He is of the belief that the repulsive swine of a general-president has thrown your votes away, that the voting machines are crooked, that Zapilote is cheating you out of your representation on this ballot. Let us discover the truth. Will every person here who voted for Sir Hector Harapo please raise his or her hand. Thank you." Silence filled the square as the hands went up. Slowly, firmly, proudly. A sea of hands. An uplifting demonstration of the truth.

"Very good. Thank you. Will you please lower your hands. Now I ask for the hands of those who voted for Zapilote." All of the hands dropped. Not one hand lifted. Yes, one, two hands, as the mayor and the chief hesitantly raised their palms. James's voice was jubilant.

"There you have it, people of Paraiso-Aqui. Proof positive of the crime of disfranchisement. All of the people of this town, with two verminous exceptions, have been deprived of their vote. We have positive proof that in Tortosa the voting was fixed. The wrong man won." I signaled and the camera came back on me. I pointed gravely at the massive tome beside me.

"A crime has been committed. A crime that you will find reference to on page nine thousand and three of the sacred constitution of this planet. The wording of clause seventy-nine on this page is clear, painfully clear. I will read it to you." I raised a copy of the clause and read from it in my most impressive and sonorous voice.

"Due to the nature of electronic voting and due to the necessity of assuring that the voting is always recorded with utmost accuracy and due to the invisibility of the votes once they have been recorded in the voting machine, it is hereby ordained that strictest controls and regulations must be observed as stated in paragraph nineteen, subsection forty of the voting act, and as further guarantee of the surety of the votes it shall be declared and enacted that if it be proven beyond doubt that the record of votes in a single voting machine during a presidential ballot be proven to be substantially altered, then that presidential ballot shall be declared null and void, and all of the ballots cast in that election shall be declared null and void. It is furthermore required that two weeks after this declaration of nullity there shall be another ballot and this ballot will be potentiated using the original system of paper ballots and ballot boxes and the winner of this election will be declared President and he shall instigate an investigation of the voting machines before their next use in any election." I placed the paper reverently back upon the constitution, then turned slowly to the camera. In a serious and ominous voice I spoke.

"I therefore declare this election null and void. In two weeks' time there will be another election. At that time may the best man win.