The Stainless Steel Rat for President

Chapter 8

"Don't shoot, Jorge! I'm a friend…"

"Who skulks in like a thief in the night?"

"In the day, full daylight out. And I came this way because I didn't want to be seen. I'm one of the good guys, like you, and like Flavia…"

That almost got me killed. "What do you know of Flavia?" He shouted, and I swear the knuckle on his trigger finger whitened with the strain. I put a little drama into the situation by dropping to my knees and spreading my arms wide in supplication.

"Hear me out, brave Jorge! I come from the other planets where your message was received. The one you gave to the tourist and his wife who were kicked off your fair world."

"How do you know about that?" The gun muzzle lowered slightly. I stood up, brushed off my knees, then went to sit on his couch.

"I know—because I am that tourist. A little disguised outside, but still the same within."

"I do not believe you. You could be a police spy."

"Right. I could be anything. But I'm not and I can prove it. I know things no one else could possibly know. Like I know that it was my wife who met Flavia on the beach, where Flavia gave her a five-page message for help, which she memorized right on the spot. Which she later told to me, which I memorized too, which I will recite for you." And I did, all five pages of it. And as I droned on and on the gun sank lower and lower until, when I finished, he put it aside.

"I believe you now," he said. "For I wrote that message and only Flavia has seen it. " He rushed forward, eyes flashing, and pulled me to my feet and embraced me, then kissed me warmly on both cheeks. He needed a shave.

"Yes, well. I'm glad we agree at last," I said, pulling myself free. "Always happy to be of help."

"I still find it hard to believe," he waxed. "We have always failed in the past to get aid from outside. Some months ago we managed to smuggle one of our members out on a tourist ship, but we have heard nothing of him since."

"Was he small, dark and with a crooked nose?"

"He was. But how did you know...?"

"It is my sad duty to inform you that he is dead. Undoubtedly murdered by police agents."

"Poor Hector, he was such a brave man. He was sure that he would be able to contact the legendary Rat of Steel, who might condescend to help us..." Jorge's voice ran out like a broken recording machine and his eyes bulged interestingly from his head. I looked down humbly at my nails, then buffed them on my lapel. He gurgled.

"You aren't... you can't be..."

"Happily for your sake—I am! I am known by many names throughout the worlds. De rat van roestvrij staal, Ratinox, die Edelstahlratte, El Escurridizo, even un criminale al nichelcromo. At your service. Now tell me about your setup here, and what your plans are."

"Simply and depressingly stated. We have no plans and are in a state of disarray. The secret police are too efficient. All resistance organizations are penetrated and destroyed even as they are formed. Ours is a new organization and already Flavia is known and in hiding. Since I see many tourists it was she who devised the plan to seek help from off our planet. I am ashamed, we are so feeble."

"Best news ever. Gives me a free hand. Do you have any idea if there are others with like feelings?"

"All of the peasants would like to kill President Zapilote and his army of secret police, the Ultimados as they are called. But they are powerless. The power is in the hands of the rich and the middle class, and they are the ones who support Zapilote all the way. Of course he is disliked by many of the old nobility who lost power when he took over, but they are not organized in any way."

I had the glimmerings of an idea. "Nobility? Tell me more about them."

"There is little to be said. It is from their ranks that I so shamefully come. I have an unimpressive title, of no importance. It is because of the title that I am trusted to meet with the tourists. Rank still has a few small privileges. Until that swine Zapilote appeared on the scene we had a peaceful monarchy on this planet. Admittedly it was inefficient and didn't work very well, but people had enough to eat and there was no murder or torture. But there was just enough unrest so that people listened when Zapilote began preaching his liberty and equality for all. It sounded good-but he meant nothing that he said. It was just words to him. But enough people had faith in him so that the democratic movement spread until even the nobility began to think that it was a good idea. The first elections were held and Zapilote became president. By the time he was up for re-election he had all of the corrupt generals on his side, as well as his secret police. With the help of the military and his Ultimados that election was rigged, and every one since then, every four years. Though apparently he will soon be up for election again he is in reality General-President for life." The idea that had been scratching away at my subconscious broke through at last and I shouted aloud with joy.

"Oh no, he's not! This planet is going to see an election like it has never seen before!"

"What do you mean?"

"We are going to find one of the old nobility who can be trusted, who is, hopefully, honest enough to want to run for office. Then we will make him a candidate for president."

"But the election will be rigged!"

"You had better believe that. Rigged by me! I'll teach these backwater-planet election-riggers a thing or two about crooked politics. We'll win in a landslide."

"Can it be done?"

"Just watch. But it is up to you to find us a decent candidate."

He rubbed his jaw and frowned. "I must think."

"Why don't we lubricate the thought processes with some ron?"

"Wonderful. I have aged ron here that is too good for the tourists, if you will excuse my saying so, that you might enjoy." I certainly did. I smacked and sipped and made yum-yum noises and we toasted each other and 'the coming new day and finally got back to work.

"The best people are those who live farthest from the cities," Jorge said, alcohol and ron having worked their wonders upon his brain, which was now churning away at a great rate. "Deep in the interior of this continent there are the large estates where they raise coffee and wheat and bizcocho berries. The peasants who work there are happy, the overseers kind, the nobility fair. As long as they supply food to the cities and stay out of politics, why Zapilote lets them alone."

"Do you know any of these people?"

"I know all of them, of course, since we are all related."

"Can you think of any one of them might help us out?"

"Just one. Gonzales de Torres, the Marquez de la Rosa. He is just, honest, fair, upright, handsome, courageous and hates Zapilote."

"He can't be all bad. How well do you know him?"

"He is a third cousin four times removed on my mother's side. I see him at funerals and weddings and things like that. But I know all about him. There are no secrets in the aristocracy."

"I have a feeling he is our man. How do we get in touch with him?"

"We must obtain a car…"

"Already done. Will you come with us?"

"I dare not leave my job! It would be too suspicious. But Flavia could guide you. I will give her a message. She will be safer away from this place."

I took a last guzzle of the ron and placed the glass reluctantly back on the table. "Then it's all set. I'll take my troops for a ride in the country where we will have a picnic and a siesta. By this time it will be after dark and you will tell me where and when we are to pick her up."

"It will take time to locate her—and I must work today. But if you will come to this building at midnight I will be outside. I will take you to her."

"As good as done." I started to leave then turned back and pointed to the dust-shrouded bottle of vintage ron. "Once they are opened these ancient beverages tend to spoil. You wouldn't like me to take care of that for you?"

"Take it, I beg you," he said pressing the bottle upon me. "I have more, I will bring many bottles with me tonight when we meet."

"There are advantages to this planet never mentioned in the tourist brochures. Aged ron and rigged elections. Why this place is a paradise indeed!"