The Number of the Beast

XLVI

"I'm gifted with second sight."

Deety:

When the Hillbilly stages a production, she doesn't stint. By protocol decreed by Lazarus Long, dinner in Dora is formal, but with wide latitude in "formal"- casual dress being the only thing utterly verboten. Dinner is preceded by a happy hour where one can sip Coca-Cola or get roaring drunk.

Aunt Hilda changed all that for this night. No happy hour but be on time- two minutes before twenty o'clock, ship's time. No one permitted to eat in her! his quarters-a command performance.

No options in dress- Commodore Auntie decided what each would wear, where each would sit. I said, "Commodore Hilda honey, aren't you kind o' throwing your weight around? What there is of it?"

She answered, "Yes, I am, Deetikins, for this occasion. But before you criticize, ask your husband whether or not I ever permitted one of my parties to flop."

"Don't need to ask him. Why, at your last one, our old Buick blew up. Never a dull moment."

"I didn't plan that. But we got husbands out of it; let's not complain. Before you deliver my message to the twins, tell me this. Is it safe to let them in on our secret?"

"Hillbilly, I tell Zebadiah anything even though someone-you, for example-has asked me not to."

"Deety, I thought we had a 'You'll-keep-my-secrets-and-I'll-keep-your-secrets' agreement?"

"We do. But telling Zebadiah gives you two covering for you instead of one. About Laz-Lor-remember that they are his wives as well as his clones."

"Hon, you were always a wise one. All right, we keep it secret. Tell them what to wear-and please understand that I'm hiding behind you to avoid argument; it's a favor I appreciate. Sending up sword and saber is a favor to your husband and to your father but I thank you on their behalf if they forget. Send the blades to your suite; they've decided they can dress more easily without women underfoot."

"A canard," Pop said, just back of my neck. "The women don't want us underfoot."

"I knew it was one or the other, Jacob," Aunt Hilda agreed. "But Dora has already taken your uniforms to our suite and your swords will-"

"-be there, too, and I can recognize a fact when I fall over it and have never been happier, my love, than I have been since you took charge of my life and started telling me what to decide."

"Jacob, you're making me teary."

"Jake! Can you hear me?"-Lazarus' voice and Aunt Hilda used family sign language; Pop nodded and answered promptly:

"Certainly, Lazarus-what's on your mind?"

"I'm faced with the impossible and need help. I received an order-you, too, I think-to dress in military uniform at dinner. The only uniform I have aboard is in the flag cabin and-say, are you in the flag cabin?"

Aunt Hilda shook her head. Pop answered, "I'm in our suite, dressing for dinner. Hilda needed a nap. I told you."

"You certainly did, sir. I'm allergic to being punched in the snoot. But- Well, if you would use your influence-"

"If any."

"If any, to get me that uniform twenty minutes before dinner"-Aunt Hilda nodded-"or even ten, you would save me the horrible dilemma of deciding which order to break."

"Don't decide to break the one telling you not to disturb Hilda."

"I didn't even consider breaking that one! And it's not your fist in my snoot. Jake... she terrifies me. I don't understand it. I'm twice her mass and all muscle; she couldn't possibly hurt me."

"Don't be certain. She has a poisoned fang. But calm yourself, comrade. I guarantee delivery by nineteen minutes before the bell at latest."

"Jake, I knew I could depend on you. Let me know when you want a bank robbed."

I gave Maureen a special hug before I left to carry out my orders. I knew what the Hillbilly was doing: rigging it so that she could have a quiet hour in which to get acquainted with Maureen. I didn't resent it; I would have rigged it for me had I been able.

I curved down the corridor, whistled for Lib to let me in, stopped dead and whistled another sort of whistle. She was dressed, if "dressed" is the word. "Wheeeewhoo!"

"Like it?"

"I can't wait to get into mine. It is the most indecent outfit I've ever seen, with no other purpose than to excite lewd, libidinous, lascivious, licentious, lecherous, lustful longings in the loins of Lotharios."

"Isn't that the purpose of clothing?"

"Well... aside from protection-yes. But I'm beginning to realize that a culture with no body taboo has to go much farther in styling to achieve that purpose."

It was a "dress" with a "skirt" that was a 10-cm ruffle worn low. The material was silky stuff in pastel green. The bodice had no back but the front came clear up to the neck-with cutouts for each teat. The designer did not stop there. Lib's left teat was bare-but her right one was barer pet: a transparent film that clung and was covered with rainbow iridescence that moved in endless patterns with every jiggle-and jiggle we do no matter how firm. Elizabeth is as firm as I am but hers quivered enough to swirl that iridescence just from breathing.

Whew!

If both had been bare, or both iridescent, it would not have done a quarter as much. It was the contrast that would make 'em howl at the Moon.

My dress was exactly like hers save that my right teat was the bare one.

Lib got me into it, then I hurried to the bridge, with a hope-promise to be back ten minutes before the hour to have her touch up my eyebrows and lashes. I'm not much for cosmetics (neither is she) but our lashes and brows hardly show without help and this was a formal occasion.

One of Dora's blue fireflies led me to a lift that took me to the bridge, where Dora had told me I would find Laz and Lor. Laz spotted me first, made a yelling noise while patting her lips, which I took to mean enthusiasm. Those kids- correction: women close to Pop's age but they feel like kids-Laz-Lor are as female as I am and recognize what incites the lovely beast in men. They liked my dress.

I liked that bridge. Reminded me of Star Trek; pointed ears would not have surprised me. Or Nichelle Nichols backed by colored lights. "This place makes my mouth water. Maybe someday a guided tour? Pretty please!"

Captain Lor said, "Certainly-"

"-but how about a swap as-"

"-we haven't even been inside-"

"-Gay Deceiver and Dora says she-"

"-is wonderful and when this job is-"

"-done and we've rescued Mama Maureen there-"

"-won't be anything to stop us once Dora-"

"-is safe on the ground at Tertius. Huh?"

"Certainly," I answered... gleefully as now I knew that our 17-hour absence in zero seconds had not been noticed. To Lor and Laz the snatch was still in the planning stage. Apparently 01' Buddy Boy had not yet told his sisters. Had not yet worked up a set of lies, probably, that would account for his being locked in the bathroom while the rest of us did the job.

"At the earliest opportunity," I went on. "Want to take a ride in Gay?"

"Oh, my! Could we?"

"Not for me to say. But I can tell you what works. Cuddle up to the Commodore. Pet her, be sweet to her. Ask her if she will let you call her 'Aunt Hilda' when you're off duty; that will please her. She's a cat; pet her and respect her feelings and she purrs-push her and she scratches."

They glanced at each other. "We will. Thanks."

"De nada, chicas-"

"You've learned Galacta!" (In chorus-)

"What? No. Probably a phrase that carried over. But I was sent here on duty and I've been chatting instead. Commodore's compliments to the Captain and the Commodore requests that Captain Lorelei Lee Long and First Officer Lapis Lazuli Long join her at dinner at twenty o'clock and, as a favor to the Commodore, please dress in the same fashion as Doctors Libby and Deety- and that's me and I'm wearing the fashion you are to wear."

Captain Lor answered, "Certainly we'll be there; we never miss dinner and-"

"-always dress formally and I don't-"

"-mean bare skin. Skin is for working or-"

"-sleeping. But we treat dinner in the Dora as a-"

"-formal party and that calls for the works. Formal evening-"

"-dress and jewelry and cosmetics and perfume and we are about-"

"-to bathe and change, but we can't dress the way you are-"

"-because our dresses are already picked out and-"

"-it's too late to start over!"

I said, "Look, chums, you brought this on yourselves by urging Lib and me to dress this way. Neither of us was enthusiastic but we promised. The Commodore learned what Libby and I expected to wear, and decided that four of us, all about the same size and coloration, would look wonderful in matching green dresses. So Lib and I are to be opposite you two, balancing you, and the men are required to wear uniforms so as not to compete with us four. All clear?"

They got their stupid look which actually is a cover for stubborn determination. Lor said:

"The Captain sends her respects to the Commodore and regrets-"

"Hold it! Does this ship have a lifeboat?"

"Yes," answered Lor, "but-"

"But you are master of this ship. Yes, I know. And I'm gifted with second sight. I see only two viable futures for you. Did you get your pirate flag up in the lounge?"

"Yes, we did, but-"

"If you'll tell me what lifeboat and where, I'll get the flag to you before twenty. I see you starting out in that lifeboat to be pirates. Or I see you at dinner in dresses of any green cloth you can find, cut hastily in this style and pinned together. No jewelry. No cosmetics that show. I don't think you can fake this iridescent stuff but that stick-on transparent wrapping, used instead, would show that you had tried. The Commodore never rejects anyone for

failing; what she despises is not trying. Send your answer via Dora. I can't be your messenger boy; I have work to do before dinner, now only forty-seven minutes away. Will the Captain excuse me?"

I got out fast. I didn't believe for one second that a ship stocked like the Dora, run by identical redheads, could fail to have endless formals in green- including this style or close to it. By now the twins were frantically consulting their brother via Dora, and from what I heard him say to Pop, I thought Lazarus would tell them that it was safer to jump ship and change their names than it would be to tangle with the miniature buzz saw-but if Dora couldn't fake something that would at least show a hard try, he would sell her off as spare parts and install one of those new-model "Susan Calvin" positronic brains that everybody said was the coming thing for smartships.

I said Hello to Gay, then tried to reach under the instrument board and find the catch by touch.

I got out of the car in order to stand up in the ship's passageway and took off my deliciously indecent dress. Then I was able to fold, bend, and staple, to open the stowage. A saber and a sword-no belts. "Gay."

"What, Deety?"

"I'm looking for two sword belts. Category should be personal possessions, miscellaneous, weapons, belts for weapons."

"Deety, they are supposed to be with the sword and saber. Many things were moved into the Land of Oz today; I heard you all talking about it. But no changes were read into my inventory. I'm sorry."

"Smart Girl, it's not your fault. We should have told you."

"Deety, I've rolled the dice. The curve says that the most probable place is on hooks in Sunbonnet Sue's wardrobe."

They were.

I was starting to leave, after telling Gay she was a Smart Girl, when she said, "Deety, your father is calling. Dora has him on hold, through me."

"Thanks, Gay; thanks, Dora. Pop?"

"Deety, are you still in Gay?"

"Just outside the starboard door."

"Can you lay hands on my automatic and the web belt that goes with it?"

"Saw both three minutes ago."

"Will you please remove the clip, check the chamber to be sure it's empty, then bring belt and pistol when you fetch our toadstickers?"

"Anything for a steady customer."

I left with belt and sword slung over one shoulder, saber and belt over the other so that the belts crossed between my teats, and with the web belt with holster and pistol interwoven through the others because it was far too big for my waist. This left my hands free to carry my dress, one hand being almost clean enough.

Pop said: "What took you so long? I promised Lazarus I'd get this stuff to him on time. Now I'm going to have to dogtrot. In Army blues."

I told him I had stopped off at the pool hall and playing off the match game had taken a while. "If you'll excuse me, sir, I have problems, too."

Elizabeth wiped me down with a damp towel, dried and powdered me and drew my eyebrows and touched up my lashes and clucked over me, all in nine minutes, then most carefully put my dress back on me. "Ordinarily one does not take off a washable and put it back on-just wear it until you shower it off. A drop of water will go through this material like acid. Better skip the soup."

Place cards showed us where to dine. But at two minutes before the hour the Hillbilly had not arrived, so we were standing. Laz-Lor came in, sat down- in dresses identical with mine and Lib's, perfect fit, nothing improvised. Their brother spoke quietly to them; they stood up. Lazarus was dressed in a very old-fashioned army uniform, breeches with rolled leggings, a tunic with a stock collar, and Pop's pistol at his side.

All but Pop's stuff looked brand-new; I concluded that Lazarus had had it tailored.

Just as my head ticked twenty o'clock, a bugle (Dora) sounded attention. At least it had that effect on the men and Libby, so I stood straight. Laz-Lor looked at their brother and did so, too.

The wardroom has three steps leading down into it from each of its archway doors, with a little platform at the top so that you don't fall on your face. Pop and Zebadiah marched up those steps, faced each other (and I thought how beautiful Zebadiah looked in dress uniform; I had never seen him in it). Pop snapped, "Draw! Swords!" Instead of coming down, they crossed blades in an arch. Lazarus looked startled and drew pistol, placed it smartly across his chest.

This archway was closed by drapes; we had come in from the other side. A drum and bugle (Dora again) sounded a ruffle-and-flourish; the drapes lifted from both sides-and here was the Hillbilly, standing tall (for her) and straight, with her perfect ice-cream skin gleaming in flood lights against a background of midnight blue. She was so beautiful I choked up.

Dora's invisible band played The Admiral's March as our tiny Commodore marched proudly down the steps toward us. (It could have been The Admiral's March; Pop admitted later that he hummed to Dora the march played for generals and told her to fake it.)

Aunt Hilda did not sit down when she reached the head of the table, she stood near her chair instead. Nor had my father and my husband left their places, they simply brought their swords down. As soon as Hilda stopped and faced in, Pop commanded, "Corporal Bronson! Front and Center!"

Lazarus jerked as if he had been struck, holstered his pistol, marched to the far end, making sharp corners in passing around the wardroom table. He halted, facing Hilda-she may have given him some sign.

Dora hit two bugle notes; Aunt Hilda sang:

"Shipmates, beloved friends, tonight we are greatly honored!"

Four ruffles-and-flourishes, as the drapes lifted and parted, and again lights picked out bare skin, this time against a forest-green backing: Maureen in

opera-length black stockings, green round garters, dark shoes with semi-high heels, her long red hair down her back.

Maureen was not "standing tall"; she was in the oldest and most graceful of sculptor's poses: left knee slightly bent, weight slightly more on her right foot, chest lifted only a little but displaying her full teats, nipples heavily crinkled. Her smile was happy.

She held pose while that march concluded, then, in the sudden silence, held out her arms and called: "Theodore!"

"Corporal Bronson" fainted.