The Number of the Beast

XXXVII

The First Law of Biology

Zeb:

"Stand by to maneuver," I ordered-at the conn by Captain Sharpie's wish "Hello, Gay."

"Howdy, Zeb. You look hung over."

"I am. Gay Home!"

Arizona was cloudless. "Crater verified, Captain Hilda."

"Teh axis one plus-set, Captain," Deety reported.

"Execute!"

"No crater, Cap'n Auntie. No house. Just mountains." Deety added, "Teh one-minus-set."

"Roger, Deety. Routine check, Captain?"

"Voice routine, short schedule." (I think that is what got Sharpie elected permanent C.O.-she never hesitates.)

"Gay Deceiver. Sightseeing trip. Five klicks H-above-G." "Ogle the yokels at five thousand meters. Let's go!" "Deety, keep your thumb on the button. Gay-Miami Beach." Below lay a familiar strip city. "Captain?"

"Zebbie, note the crowded streets. Sunny day. Beaches empty. Why?" "Bogie six o'clock low!" Jake yelped.

"Gay Zoom!"

Earth-Teh-one-plus swam warm and huge. Opposite us a hurricane approached Texas. I asked, "Want to see more, Captain?"

"Zebadiah, how can we see more when we haven't seen any?"

"But Cap'n Sharpie has, Deety. Folks, I'm unenthusiastic about a world where they shoot without challenging. Jake, your bogie was a missile?"

"I think so, Zeb. Collision course with Doppler signature over a thousand knots and increasing."

"A missile-out of Homestead-analog, probably. Captain, these blokes are too quick on the trigger."

"Zebbie, I find empty beaches more disturbing. I can think of several reasons why they would be empty on a nice day-all unpleasant."

"Want to check San Diego? I can get more scram time by increasing Habove-G."

"No, we have over forty thousand analogs on this axis; we'll stick to doctrine. Shop each world just long enough to find something wrong-'Black Hats,' war, low technology, no human population, bad climate, overpopulated, or factor X. If we don't find our new Snug Harbor in the next four months, we'll consider returning to Doctor Smith's world."

"Hillbilly, if we wait there to have our babies, then wait again until they are big enough to travel, we'll never find Snug Harbor."

"I said, 'consider.' We may find a place to shack up for five months or so, then slam back to Galactic Patrol Prime Base hospital for the Grand Openings. Could be an empty world-no people, pleasant otherwise. Food is now no problem and we get water from Oz. All we lack is television-"

"That's no lack!"

"Deety, I thought you liked 'Star Trek'?"

"Auntie Captain, we've got our own star trek now."

"Hmm-Deety, you and I should go easy on this star trek. I'm going to I'm having my first one past forty and I'm going to be very careful-exercise, diet, rest, the works."

"I surrender. Let's get cracking, Cap'n Hillbilly."

"Take it, Zebbie."

"Copilot, execute!"

Earth-Teh -one-minus replaced Teh -one-plus. "Jacob, it doesn't look right. Astrogator, I want us up a hundred kilometers, over-make it Mississippi Valley about St. Louis. Want to change attitude?"

"Yes, please. Jake, point Gay at your target; it will skip setting angle." The craft's nose dipped and steadied.

"How's that?"

"Fine, Jake. Deety, set L axis plus transition ninety-nine thousand klicks."

"Set, Zebadiah."

"Execute." We popped out high over fields of ice. "Sneak up on it, Cap'n?"

"Never mind. Zebbie, that's what I call a hard winter."

"A long winter. Actually it's summer, I think; Earth-analogs should be in the same place in orbit as Earth. Jake?"

"By theory, yes. Doesn't matter either way; that's glaciation. Deety has set Teh -two-plus."

"We can't homestead on an ice sheet. Execute."

"Zebbie, how many ice ages so far?"

"Five, I think. Deety?"

"Five is right, Zebadiah. Plus two worlds with major war, one where they shot at us, and one so radioactive that we got out fast!"

"So we're hitting ice more often than not."

"Five to four has no statistical significance, Zebadiah. At least Aunt Hilda hasn't spotted even one 'Black Hat."

"Sharpie, how good are your magic spectacles?"

"Zebbie, if I see them walk, I'll spot 'em, no matter how they're disguised. In the simulations Glinda and Wizard cooked up, I spotted their gait every time Deety identified it by Fourier analysis."

"You feel confident, that's enough."

"Zebbie, I don't have clairvoyance; there wasn't time to train me. But Glinda got me highly tuned to their awkward gait, both with and without splints. I want to discuss something else. According to geologists, when we were home- Earth where we were born, I mean-we were in a brief warm period between glaciations."

"If geologists are right," I admitted.

"If so, we'll usually hit glaciation."

"Probably. 'If-"

"Yes, 'if-' But we now know what glaciation looks like. If you and Jacob and Deety can make it a drill, we can flip past ice ages as fast as you spot one."

"We'll speed it up. Jake."

"Zebadiah, wait!"

"Why, Deety? We're about to translate."

"Pop, you told me to set for Teh -five-plus."

"Jacob?" Captain Sharpie said.

"That's right, Captain."

"What's the trouble, Deety?"

"Aunt Hilda, I said that five-to-four had little statistical significance. But so far, all glaciations have been in Teh -minus. That could be chance but-"

-but doesn t look like it. You want us to explore axis Teh-plus first? Astrogator?"

'~No, no! Captain Auntie, I would like to see enough of Teh -minus to have a significant sample. At least a hundred."

"Jacob?"

"Hilda, if we check in one pseudodirection only-say Teh -minus-it'll be four or five times as fast as hunting back and forth between plus and minus. Deety can set with one click; Zeb can yell 'Execute!' as soon as you are satisfied."

"Jacob, we'll get Deety her sample. But faster. Astrogator, have our copilot set Teh -six-minus"

"Uh... set, Captain."

When Zebbie says 'Go,' Jacob, you and Deety flip them past as fast as you can without waiting for orders. All we'll be looking for is ice ages; we can spot one in a splitsecond. If anyone sees a warm world, yell 'Stop!' Deety, can Gay count them?"

"She's doing so, Captain. We both are."

"Okay. I'm going to give my magic specs a rest-we're looking for nothing but glaciers versus green worlds. Questions?"

"Run out Teh -minus as fast as I can set and translate. Stop when anyone yells. Aye aye, Cap'n Hillbilly honey."

Sharpie nodded to me; I snapped, "Go!"

"STOP!" yelped Deety.

"Jacob, I've never seen so much ice! Deety, how many martinis would that make?"

"On the rocks or straight up?"

"Never mind; we're out of vermouth. Did you get your sample?"

"Yes, Captain. One hundred ice ages, no warm worlds. I'm satisfied."

"I'm not. Zebbie, I want to extrapolate logarithmically-go to Teh -minusone-thousand, then ten thousand, a hundred thousand, and so on. Jacob?"

Jake looked worried. "Hilda, my scales can be set for vernier setting five, or one hundred thousand. But that translation would take us more than twice around a superhyper great circle-I think."

"Elucidate, please."

"I don't want to get lost. My equations appear to be a description of sixdimensional space of positive curvature; they've worked-so far. But Euclidean geometry and Newtonian mechanics worked as long as our race didn't monkey with velocities approaching the speed of light. Then the approximations weren't close enough. I don't know that the plenum can be described with only six space-time coordinates. It might be more than six-possibly far more. Mathematics can be used for prediction only after test against the real world."

"Jacob, what is the 'real world'?"

"Ouch! Hilda, I don't know. But I'm afraid to get too many quanta away from our world-world-zero, where we were born. I think the extrapolation you propose would take us more than twice around a superhyper great circle to- What world, Deety?"

"World-six-thousand-six-hundred-eighty-eight on Teh- minus axis, Pop. Unless it's skewed."

"Thanks, Deety. Captain, if we arrived there, we could return to Earth-zero by one setting. if-' Instead of a superhyper great circle we might follow a helix or some other curve through dimensions we know not of."

Pop, you took what I said and fancied it up.

"R.H.I.P., my dear. You will appear as junior author on the monograph you'll write and I'll sign."

"Pop, you're so good to me. Wouldn't Smart Girl return us simply by G, A, Y, H, 0, M, E?"

"Those programs instruct a machine that has built into it only six dimensions. Perhaps she would... but to our native universe so far from Earth-zero that we would be hopelessly lost. If Zeb and I were bachelors, I would say,

'Let's go!' But we are family men."

"Deety, set the next one. Teh -five-plus?"

"Right, Zebadiah. But, Captain Auntie, I'm game! The long trip!"

"Me, too," agreed Captain Sharpie.

I said in a tired voice, "Those babies are ours as much as they are yours- Jake and I are taking no unnecessary risks. Captain Sharpie, if that doesn't suit you, you can find another astrogator and another chief pilot."

"Mutiny. Deety, shall we pull a 'Lysistrata'?"

"Uh....an't we find some reasonable middle ground?"

"Looks like a place to stop for lunch. Sharpie, want to sniff for 'Black Hats'?"

"Take me down, please. About two thousand klicks above ground."

"Will you settle for five?"

"Sissy pants. Yes, if you'll first have Jacob zip us around night side to check for city lights."

"Give her what she wants, Jake, by transiting; an orbit takes too long. 'Give me operations... way out on some lonely atoll! For I... am too young to diiiie! I just want to grow old!"

"You're off key, Zebbie."

"Deety likes my singing. Anybody spot city lights?"

We found no cities. So Jake put us down for lunch on a lonely atoll, Hilda first making certain that it had nothing on it but palm trees. Deety stripped, started exercises.

Hilda joined her; Jake and I set out lunch, having first dressed in stylish tropical skin. The only less-than-idyllic note came from my objecting to Deety's swimming in the lagoon. Hilda backed me up. "Deety, that's not a swimming pool. Anything in it has defenses or couldn't have survived. The first law of biology is eat or be eaten. A shark could have washed over the reef years back, eaten all the fish-and now be delighted to have you for lunch."

"Ugh!"

"Deety, you'd be very tasty," I soothed.