The Number of the Beast

XXXVI

"Pipe down and do your job."

Hilda:

"Set, Captain," I reported. "Thirteenth rotation. Correct, Zebbie?"

"Check, Sharpie. Captain?"

Deety answered, "Let's catch our breaths." She stared out at the ruddy barrenness of Mars-zero. "That rock looks downright homelike. I feel like a tourist who tries to see thirty countries in two weeks. Shock. Not 'future shock' but something like it."

"Homesickness," I told her. "Knowing that we can't go back. Deety, somewhere, somewhen, we'll build another Snug Harbor. Won't we, Jacob?"

Jacob patted my knee. "We will, dearest."

Deety said wistfully, "Will we really find another Snug Harbor?"

"Deety, are you over your pioneer-mother jag?"

"No, Zebadiah. But I can get homesick. Like you. Like Hilda. Like everybody but Pop."

"Correction, Daughter. I don't miss Logan, and I don't think Hilda misses California_"

"Not a bit!" I agreed.

"Nor me," agreed Zeb. "I had a rented flat. But Snug Harbor was home."

"Agreed," Jacob answered. "I didn't really hate these vermin until they bombed our home." Jacob added, "We've got to find a new Snug Harbor. Comfortable as this car is, we can't live in it indefinitely."

"Check. Sharpie, your theory seems to be checking out. Is there any reason to finish this schedule? Should we go directly to Teh axis?"

"Zebbie, granted that most rotations didn't amount to more than sightsee-

ing, if we hadn't followed this schedule, this car would not be nearly so comfortable. Do you know of another Ford that has two bathrooms?"

"Sharpie, I don't know of one that has one bathroom. Our space-warp special lets us stay in space as long as our air holds out. And food. But air is the critical factor."

I said, "Zebbie, have you noticed that our air does not get stuffy?"

"It will soon."

"It need not," Jacob pointed out. "We can scram-code to Oz, or to Wonderland, in seconds. Sweet air, no danger."

Zebbie looked sheepish. "I'm still learning what our wonder buggy will do."

"So am I."

"Gentlemen, you missed my point. You might check the juice. I haven't mentioned another asset. Zebbie, would you like a banana?"

"Sharpie, I ate the last before I buried garbage. While you and Deety were washing dishes before we left Wonderland."

"Tell him, Deety."

"Zebadiah, Hilda and I salvaged and put everything into the basket. Hilda started to put it into our wardrobe-and it was heavy. So we looked. Packed as tight as when we left Oz. Six bananas-and everything else. Cross my heart. No, go look."

"Hmmm- Jake, can you write equations for a picnic basket that refills itself? Will it go on doing so?"

"Zeb, equations can be written to describe anything. The description would be simpler for a basket that replenishes itself indefinitely than for one that does it once and stops-I would have to describe the discontinuity. But I am no longer troubled by natural-or 'unnatural'-laws that don't apply in Universe-zero."

"Mmmm... Science Officer, I suggest that you check on that basket now that we have returned to Universe-zero."

"Zebbie, make that an order in writing and sign your name-if you want to look foolish. Deety, will you order it logged?"

"Sharpie, if you weren't such good company, I'd strangle you. Your earlier answer recommended that we complete the rotations."

"No, I noted that the first twelve had not been unprofitable. We could have completed the last three by now had we not spent time debating it."

"Hilda honey, our cowardly Astrogator needed time to get his nerve back. By yumpin' yiminy, once you're all trained, I'm going to retire."

"We would simply recall you, Zebbie. Each will go on doing what she can do best."

"Time is out of joint. 0 cursed spite, that I was ever picked to set it right."

"You misquoted."

"I always do. What universe do we hit next?"

"Zebbie, we have three rotations to go, with four left on the four-votes list. One is useless but amusing and safe. The other three are places to live but each has its own dangers. As the chief of surgery us~ed to say: 'I dunno, let's operate and find out."

Zebbie sighed. "All hands, stand by to rotate. Execute!"

Green fire- '~Rotate! Execute!"

A formless red fog- ~Gay Sagan!"

Mars looked like an old friend. Zebbie wiped his brow and said, "Whew! One to go- Cap'n Deety hon, let's get it over with. Sharpie?"

"Fifteenth universe-set!" I reported.

'Execute!"

We came out into a starry universe. "Cap'n Deety hon, don't these constellations look familiar?" Zebbie commented.

"I think so."

"They are familiar," I insisted. "Except that there is a very bright star near the Gemini. That ought to be the Sun. We're way out past Pluto, where the comets spend the winter. Let's move in and find Earth."

"Don't be in a hurry," said Zebbie. "Science Officer, what was that first rotation? Green fire?"

"How about the deadly green nebula in 'The Legion of Space'?-on the trip to the Runaway Star where Aladoree had been taken."

"That was on your list?"

"All of us voted for it."

"What was that red fog we rotated into next?"

"That one is harder to figure," I admitted. "It could be any universe by a writer who paid respectful attention to astronomy-Bova, Haldeman, Schmidt, Pournelle, Niven, Benford, Clement, Anderson, and so forth. But there were four votes for 'The Mote in God's Eye.' Whether the two old gentlemen had anything to do with it or not, I think we blundered into a red giant. A red giant is close to what we call vacuum. Anyhow, we weren't hurt; we were there about two seconds."

"Less than that, Sharpie; you set it with one click, and barely had your thumb off the execute button. Captain, do you wish to transit toward that bright star?"

"Let's chop off thirty or forty A.U.'s," Deety decided, "and get a rough cross fix. Maybe that will give us a disc Pop can measure. If not, we'll narrow it down until it does. Then place us one A.U. from the Sun and we'll spot Earth easily. Astrogator-advice."

"Captain, I advise making that first jump with wide offset. Miss the Sun by at least one A.U. At least."

"Yes! Zebadiah, make that cross fix wide. Uh-" Deety peered around. "There's the Sickle. Have Pop aim for Regulus."

My husband said, "I'm swinging toward Regulus. Zeb, how do I take the angular width of the Solar disc without broiling an eyeball?"

"The gunsight has a built-in polarizer. Didn't I show you?"

"You did not."

"Sorry. Captain Deety hon, I request permission to relieve the Chief Pilot for this."

"Permission granted. But, Zebadiah, you be careful."

'Spacecraft! Identify yourself!" -the voice was everywhere.

Zebbie jerked with surprise. (Me, too!) "Who said that?"

'Lens man Ted Smith, Commander Galactic Patrol, commanding Patrol Vessel 'Nighthawk.' Entity, I regret being forced to enter your mind but you have been ignoring sub-ether radio for four minutes thirty-two seconds. Switch it on and I will get out of your mind. Do not maneuver; we have weapons on you."

"Captain," Jacob whispered, "Hilda is set to rotate."

Deety shook her head, touched Zebbie's arm, pointed to herself.

"Lensman, this is Captain Deety, commanding Continua Craft Gay Deceiver. We don't have sub-ether radio. Do you read me?"

'7 read you loud and clear. What happened to your sub-ether radio? Do you need help?"

"Captain Smith, I don't have sub-ether radio at all. We don't need help but could use astrogational advice. Where are we?"

'The important point is that you are in my patrol sector, an unscheduled ship insufficiently identified. I repeat: DO NOT MANEUVER. By order of the Galactic Patrol. Do you understand?"

"I understand you, Lensman. I regret having intruded into your patrol space. This is a private ship engaged in peaceful exploration."

"That is what I am about to determine, Captain. Stay where you are, make no hostile moves, and you will be safe."

"Lensman, can you see through my eyes?"

"Are you inviting me to do so?"

"Certainly. Use my eyes, use my ears. But don't try to take over my mind or this ship will disappear." Deety squeezed my shoulder; I signaled "Roger" with a pat.

"1 warn you not to maneuver. Ah... interesting!"

I snapped, "Captain Smith, quit threatening us! A Lensman is supposed to be an officer and gentleman! I intend to report you to the Port Admiral! You're an oaf!"

"Sorry, Madam. I do not wish to offend but I have duty to perform. Captain, will you please turn your head so that I can see who is speaking?"

"Certainly. Let me introduce all of us. On my left"-Deety looked at Zebbie- "is Doctor Zebadiah Carter. In front of him is Doctor Jacob Burroughs. On his right"-Deety looked at me-"is his wife, Doctor Hilda Burroughs, xenobiologist and chief of science. Let me offer you this advice, Lensman: It is never safe to offend Doctor Hilda."

"I gathered that impression, Captain. Doctor Hilda, I would not willingly offend-but I have duties. Shall I get out of your mind entirely? If you speak to me, I will hear with Captain Deety's ears. She can, if she will, repeat to you my thought in answer."

"Oh, it's all right for conversation. But don't try to go deeper! Mentor would not like it-as you know!"

"Doctor Hilda, your mention of.... certain entity... surprises me-from one who is not a Lensman."

"I don't need a Lens. You can check that with Arisia."

Deety said hastily, "Lensman, are you satisfied that we are a peaceful party of scientists? Or is there something more that you wish to know?"

"Captain, I can see that this ship is not a pirate vessel-unarmed and unarmoured. Oh, I note controls for a coherent light gun but that wouldn't be much use to a pirate. Nor can I visualize two men and two women attempting to attack a space liner. But keeping the peace is just one of my responsibilities. Your ship, small as it is, could be carrying millions of credits in contraband."

"Say what you mean, Lensman," I snapped. "Drugs. But don't use the word 'zwilnik.'"

Mentally, we could hear him sigh. 'Yes, Doctor Hilda-drugs. But I did not introduce that offensive word into the discussion."

"I heard you thinking it. Don't do it again!"

"Lensman," Deety said quickly, "we have medical drugs. The only one that could interest you is a few milligrams of morphine. But we carry no thionite, no bentlam, no hadive, no nitrolabe. You are using your Lens; you know that I'm telling the truth."

"Captain, it's not that easy. Before I hailed you I did try a slight probe- please, Doctor Hilda; it was in line of duty! I've never encountered minds so fully blocked. And this is a most curious craft. It is obviously designed for aerodynamic use rather than space. Yet here you are-and I can't see how you got here. I have no choice but to detain you and to examine this ship thoroughly. If necessary, take it apart piece by piece."

"Lensman," Deety said earnestly, "don't be hasty. You can search more thoroughly by Lens than by other means. Go ahead. We've nothing to hide and we have a great deal to offer the Patrol. But you won't get it by pushing us around."

"You certainly won't! Cap'n, let's leave! I'm tired of stupidity!"-and I snapped, "Gay Sagan!"

Mars-zero was on our starboard bow. That dead rock looked awfully good to me.

Zebbie said, "Captain, did you order the copilot to execute?"

I said, "Don't bother Deety with it, Zebbie. I did it without permission. Solely my decision."

Zebbie frowned unhappily. "Sharpie, I thought you would be our model Girl Scout while Deety is skipper. Why?"

"Zebbie, you can rotate back there in no time. But I would like to be dropped first. Imperial House. Or Minus-J. Somewhere."

"Why, Hilda?" my husband asked.

"Jacob, meet your friendly neighborhood zwilnik. Commander Ted Smith of the Galactic Patrol-a fine officer; I'm certain, as Dr. E. E. Smith saw to it that no unworthy person could ever wear the Lens-was getting unpleasantly close. That's why I was so fierce with the poor man."

Deety said, "But, Aunt Hilda, E. E. Smith's world is just the sort of world we've been seeking."

"Maybe we'll go back. But not until I've had a chance to dump two pounds of concentrated extract of Cannabis magnifica. Dr. Wheatstone tells me that

it is incredibly valuable in therapy, as the base for endless drugs. But I had a hunch that Commander Smith would confiscate it, impound the Smart Girl, arrest all of us-and convict me. But that isn't all, Zebbie. Doctor Smith created one of the most exciting universes I know of. To read about, not to live in. With that endless Boskone War-must have been going on; they were looking for zwilniks-you have to be as smart as Kimball Kinnison to stay alive... and even he gets chopped up now and again. Deety and I need a good baby-cotcher and I'm sure they have them. But we have months to find one. Let's not deliberately back into a war."

Deety didn't hesitate. "I agree with Aunt Hilda. If we go back, it will not be while I'm captain. Hillbilly, you didn't disobey orders; you used your head in an emergency." I thought Deety was going to ask me how and when I got Cannabis magnifica extract... but she didn't.

"Jake," Zebbie said, "we're overruled. Where now, Captain? Earth-Teh -oneplus?"

"First we'd better pick a place to spend the night, and hold an election."

"Why, Deety, you've served less than twelve hours!"

"It will be about twenty-four hours when we lift off tomorrow. I'm not going to ask for nominations; we've all had a turn at it; we are now balloting for permanent captain."

I expected Zebbie to be picked. But there were three for me, one for Zebbie- my ballot.

I seemed to be the only one surprised. Zebbie said to Deety, "Ask to be relieved now, hon. The short-timer syndrome is bad for anyone but worse for a C.O.-it demoralizes her crew."

"Aunt Hilda, will you relieve me?"

I pondered it half a second. "I relieve you, Deety."

"Goody! I think I'll take a nap."

"I think you'll take the verniers. Zebbie and Jacob stay in the jobs they're in. Prepare to maneuver. Copilot, set for Oz. If you don't know how, ask your father."

"Set verniers for Oz?"

I took a deep breath to calm down. "Before anyone starts asking 'Why?' the answer is: Pipe down and do your job. Before we start on Teh axis, I want to ask questions. We talked to Glinda about our problem. We didn't talk directly to the others. I mean Ozma and Professor Wogglebug and the Little Wizard and possibly others. Family, magicians who can install two bathrooms in a Ford and never have it show can also help us spot vermin if we ask the right questions. Deety, are you having trouble setting for Oz?"

"Captain, why set verniers? Gay has our parking spot in her perms. Codeword 'Glinda."

A few seconds later Gay called out, "Hi, Tik-Tok!"

"Wel-come back, Miss Gay De-cei-ver. Glin-da told me that you would be gone on-ly a few mi-nutes, so I wai-ted here for you. I am deep-ly hap-py to see you a-gain."