The Number of the Beast

XXXIX

Random Numbers

Hilda:

Jacob stood, raised his glass. "Snug Harbor at last!"

Zebbie matched him. "Hear, hear!"

Deety and I sat tight. Zebbie said, "Snap it up, kids!" I ignored him.

Jacob looked concerned. "What's the matter, dear one? Zeb, perhaps they don't feel well."

"It's not that, Jacob. Deety and I are healthy as hogs. It's that toast. For ten days, since we signed the deed, it's been that toast. Our toast used to be:

'Death to "Black Hats"!'"

"But, my dear, I promised you a new Snug Harbor. The fact that you girls are having babies made that first priority. This is the place. You said so."

I answered, "Jacob, I never called this 'Snug Harbor.' I reported that I had found a culture with advanced obstetrics, and customs that made it impossibh for Black Hats to hide. I wasn t asked what I thought of it.

"You signed the deed!"

"I had no choice. My contribution was one fur cape and some jewelry. Deety put in morebut effectively no gold. She fetched her stock certificates, other securities, some money-paper-and a few coins. I fetched two twenty-five newdollar bills. Deety and I left Earth as paupers. Each of us women-not girls'!, Jacob-was once wealthy in her own right. But in buying this place, you two decided, you two paid for it-all we did was sign. We had no choice."

Zebbie looked at Deety and said softly, "With all my worldly goods I thee endow," and took her hand.

Jacob said, "Thanks, Zeb. I, too, Hilda-if you don't believe that, then you don't believe I meant the rest: '-for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health-' But I did and I do." He looked up. "Zeb, where did we go wrong?"

"Durned if I know, Jake. Deety, what's the score? Give."

"I'll try, Zebadiah. Maybe all we should expect is washing dishes and wiping noses and changing diapers. But that doesn't seem like a be-all and end-all when you've gone banging around the universes... stood guard for your husband while he bathed in a mountain stream... or- Oh, the devil with it! This place is good and clean and wholesome and dull! I'll find myself joining the church just for company... then sleeping with the priest out of boredom!"

"Deety, Deety!"

"I'm sorry, Zebadiah. It would be boredom with Beulahland, not with you. The very hour we met, you saved my life; you married me before that hour was over, impregnated me before midnight, fought and killed for me only days later, saved my life twice more that same day, took me to another planet in another universe before midnight still that same day... and short hours later had again fought for me, twice. You are my gallant knight, sans peur et sans reproche. In the six weeks I have known you, you have gifted more romance, more glorious adventure, into my life than in all the twenty-two years before it. But the last twelve days-especially the last ten-have told me what we now look forward to."

Deety paused to sigh; I said quietly, "She speaks for me."

Deety went on, "You two would lay down your lives for us-you've come terrifyingly close. But what happened to your glorious schemes to rebuild the Solar System? To kill every last one of those vermin? Gay Deceiver sits in an old barn, dark and quiet-and today I heard you discussing how to market a can opener. Universes beyond the sky to the incredible Number of the Beast!- yet you plan to sell can openers while Hilda and I serve as brood mares. We haven't even visited Proxima Centauri! Zebadiah-Pop!-let's spend tonight looking for an Earth-type planet around Alpha Centauri-kill a million vermin to clean it, if that's what it takes! Plan what planets to put on Earth's Lagrange points. I'll write programs to meet your grandest plans! Let's go!"

My husband looked sad. Zebbie held Deety's hand and said, "Deety, we don't want to sell can openers. But you two are pregnant and we've gone to a lot of trouble to put you where you and our kids will be safe. Maybe it's dull... but it's your duty. Forget hunting vermin."

"Just forget it? Zebadiah, why is Gay Deceiver loaded and ready for space? Power packs charged, water tanks full, everything? Do you and Pop have something in mind... while Hilda and I stay home and baby-sit?"

"Deety, if we did, it wouldn't hurt to sell a few can openers first. You two and the kids must be provided for, come what may."

"That Widow's Walk again, Hillbilly. But, my husband, you have started from a false premise. You men want to protect Hilda and me and our kids at any cost-and we honor you for it. But one generation is as valuable as another, and men are as valuable as women. With modern weapons, a computer pro-

grammer is more use in war than a sniper. Or-forgive me, sir!-even an aerospace fighter pilot. I'm a programmer. I can shoot, too! I won't be left out, I won't!"

I gave Deety our signal to drop it. It doesn't do to push a man too hard; it makes him stubborn. One can't expect logic from males; they think with their testicles and act from their emotions. And one must be careful not to overload them. We had given them five points to stew over; we would save the sixth- the clincher-for later.

I waited three days... and struck from the other flank. Again Deety and I rehearsed: We would wrangle with each other and appeal to the men for support-crosswise.

"Jacob, what is 'random'? Is it correct to say that 'random' is shorthand for 'I don't know'?"

Deety said scornfully, "Don't let her trap you, Pop. She's got the second law of thermodynamics mixed up with the second law of robotics-and doesn't understand either one." (I had to phrase this and insist; Deety didn't want to say it. Deety is sweet, not the bitch I am.)

"Random' is used a number of ways, my love, but it usually means a set in which the members are equal in probability of experiencing some event, such as being next to be chosen."

"If they're 'chosen,' how can it be 'random'?"

Deety snickered.

Zebbie said, "Don't let him snow you, Sharpie; 'random' means 'I don't know'-as you said."

"Aunt Hilda, pay no attention to Zebadiah. 'Random' is what you have when you maximize entropy."

"Now, Daughter, that is hardly a mathematical statement-"

"Pop, if I gave it to her in mathematical language she'd faint."

"Deety, quit picking on Sharpie," Zebbie said sternly.

"I wasn't picking on her. Hillbilly has this silly notion that we didn't get anywhere hunting vermin because we went about it systematically....ut every time we told Gay to shake up her random numbers and do as she pleased, we got results."

"Well, didn't we?" I put in, intentionally shrill. "We had endless failures....ut every time we gave Gay her head-'Put her on random numbers,' as Deety says-we never had a failure. 'Random' and 'chance' are not related. 'Random chance' is a nonsense expression."

"Auntie darling, you're out of your skull. Don't worry, Pop; pregnant women often get the vapors."

•I indignantly listed things that could not be "random" or "chance"-then discovered" that Deety and I had to start dinner. We left them wrangling, and were careful not to giggle within earshot.

After dinner, instead of that tired toast, Jacob said, "Hilda, would you explain your concept of 'random'? Zeb and I have been discussing it and agree that there is some factor in our adventures not subject to analysis."

"Jake, that's your statement. I just said, 'I dunno,' and wiped the drool off my chin. Tell us, Sharpie."

"But Jacob told us a month ago. There isn't any such thing as 'chance.' It's a way of admitting ignorance. I thought that I had begun to understand it when we started hitting storybook universes. Lilliput. Oz. Dr. Smith's World. Wonderland. I was so sure of it- You remember three weeks ago after our second visit to Oz? I ordered a day of rest; we spent it on Tau axis instead of Teh."

"Dullest day we had," said Zebbie. "You put us in orbit around Mars. Not just one Mars but dozens. Hundreds. The only one worth a fiat dollar was the one we aren't going back to. I got permission to go off duty and take a nap."

"You weren't on duty, Zebbie. You three slept or read or played crib. But I was searching for Barsoom. Not hundreds, Zebbie-thousands. I didn't find it."

"Hillbilly, you didn't tell me!"

"Dejah Thoris, why bother to say that I had been chasing the Wild Goose? I swallowed my disappointment; next day we started searching Teh axis... and wound up here. Would I have found Barsoom had I asked Gay to run the search? Defined her limits, yes-as Zebbie did on Mars-ten--but, having defined it, told her to take her random numbers and find it. It worked on Marsten; we mapped a whole planet in a few hours. It worked on Teh axis. Why wouldn't it be best for another search?"

Jacob answered, "Dearest, Zeb fed Gay a defined locus. But how would that apply to this, uh, speculative... search?"

"Jacob, Zebbie told us that Gay holds the Aerospace Almanac. That includes details about the Solar System, does it not?"

"More than I want to know," Zebbie agreed.

"So Gay knows the Solar System," I went on. "I thought of reading the Barsoom stories to Gay, tell her to treat them as surface conditions on the fourth planet-then take her random numbers and find it."

Jacob said gently, "Beloved, the autopilot doesn't really understand English."

"She does in Oz!"

My husband looked startled. Jacob has immense imagination....ll in one direction. Unless one jogs him. Zebbie caught it faster. "Sharpie, you would be loading her with thousands of bytes unnecessarily. Deety, if they've got those novels on New Earth-I'll find out-what do you need to abstract in order to add to Gay's registers an exact description of Barsoom, so that Gay can identify it-and stop her Drunkard's Walk?"

"Don't need books," my stepdaughter answered. "Got 'em up here." She touched her pretty strawberry-blonde curls. "Mmm....o to sleep thinking about it, tell it to Gay early tomorrow before I speak to anybody. Minimum bytes, no errors. Uh... no appetizer."

"A great sacrifice, merely for science."

"A one-eyed Texas honeybutter stack?....nd the prospect of meeting the original Dejah Thoris? Never wears anything but jewels and is the most beautiful woman of two planets."

"About that stack-,Jane's buttermilk reciDe?"

"Of course. You're not interested in the most beautiful woman of two planets?"

"I'm a growing boy. And ain't about to be trapped into damaging admissions." Zebbie stopped to kiss Deety's retroussé nose and added, "Sharpie, Gay can't handle the full Number of the Beast and anyhow Jake locked off most of it. What's the reduced number, Jake?"

Deety promptly said, "Six to the sixth. Forty-six thousand, six hundred, fifty-six."

Zebbie shook his head. "Still too many."

Deety said sweetly, "Zebadiah, would you care to bet?"

"Wench, have you been monkeying with Gay?"

"Zebadiah, you put me in charge of programming. I have not changed her circuitry. But I learned that she has four registers of random numbers, accessible in rotation."

"A notion of my own, Deety. Give them down time. Keep entropy at maximum."

Deety did not answer. Her face assumed her no-expression. Her nipples were down. I kept quiet.

Zebbie noted it also-he does check her barometer; he once told me so. When silence had become painful, he said, "Deety, did I goof?"

"Yessir."

"Can you correct it?"

"Do you wish me to, Zebadiah?"

"If you know how, I want it done soonest. If you need a micro electrician, I have my loupe and my micro soldering gear."

"Not necessary, Zebadiah." My stepdaughter made a long arm, got a walkytalky we keep indoors-with six hectares, it is convenient to carry one outside the house. "Gay Deceiver."

"Hi, Deety," came this tiny voice from the ear button. Deety did not place it in her ear. "Hello, Gay. More gain....ore gain... gain okay. Retrieve Turing program Modnar. Execute."

"Executed. Did he chew the bit?"

"Goodnight, Gay. Over."

"Sleep tight, Deety. Roger and out."

I cut in fast. "Gentlemen, the dishes can sit overnight. I vote for a ramble among the universes, say two hours, then early to bed. The other choice is, I think, channel one with the Beulahland Choir and channel two with Bible Stories Retold: 'The Walls of Jericho.' Both are highly recommended... by their sponsors."

It felt good to be back in a jump suit. I was turning out lights, making sure windows were fastened, gathering up one walky-talky, when Zebbie stuck his head into the kitchen from the back door. "Captain?"

"Huh? Zebbie, do you mean me?"

"You're the only captain around, Sharpie. What I started to report was: Captain, your car is ready."

"Thank you, First Officer."

He waited for me to put the butter away, then locked the back door behind me, opened the barn's people door. I noted that the big doors were still closed- and remembered my borrowed panties four weeks and many universes away. I squirmed past Deety, got into my old familiar starboard-aft seat with a song in my heart.

Shortly Deety said, "Starboard door seal checked, First Officer."

"Roger. Captain, ready for space."

"Thank you. Has anyone left behind anything normally carried?"

"No, Captain. I replaced worn-out clothes. Added tools I could buy here."

"Zebbie, it sounds as if you expected to lift without warning."

"Habit, Captain. I've kept anything important in my-our-car rather than in that flat. Some I duplicated. Teethbreesh. Iodine. Some clothes." Zebbie added, "Jake keeps basics here, too. 'Be prepared!' Troop ninety-seven, Cleveland."

"Jacob? Anything you need?"

"No, Captain. Let's go!"

"We will, dear. Deety, did you give Zebbie a schedule?"

"The one you planned. Not Barsoom, just fun. Two hours."

"Astrogator, take the conn. Carry out schedule."

"Aye aye, Ma'am. Gay Deceiver."

"Hi, Zeb. This is great! Whyinhell did you lobotomize me?"

"Because I'm stupid. Random walk, Gay-transitions, translations, rotations, vectors, under all safety rules. Two hours. Five-second stops subject to 'Hold' from any of us."

"May I place a 'Hold' myself?"

"Captain?"

I resorted to sophistry. "Astrogator, you said 'any of us'-which includes Gay."

"Gay, paraphrase acknowledge."

"I shall make unplanned excursions of all sorts with five-second pause at each vertex, plus 'Hold' option, plus safety restrictions, for two hours, then return here. Assumption: Program subject to variation by Captain or surrogate. Assumption confirmed?"

I was astonished. Deety had told me that Gay would sound almost alive if Zebbie used her full potential... but Gay sounded more alive, more alert, than she had in Oz.

"Assumption confirmed," Zebbie answered. "Execute!"

For ten minutes-one hundred thirteen shifts-we had a "slide show" of universes from commonplace to weird beyond comprehension, when suddenly Gay told herself "Hold!" and added, "Ship ahoy!"

"Private Yacht Dora," she was answered. "Is that you, Gay? What took you so long?"

I said, "Astrogator, I have the conn." I was startled and scared. But a captain commands-or admits she can't cut it and jumps overboard. A captain can be wrong-she cannot be uncertain.

Gay was saying rapidly: "Captain, I am not transmitting. I advise asking for Dora's captain. I have transmitted: 'Yes, this is Gay, Dora. I'm not late; we took the scenic route. Pipe down, girl, and put your skipper on.' Captain, the mike is yours; they can't hear me or any other voice inside me."

"Thank you, Gay. Captain Hilda, master of Gay Deceiver, hailing Private Yacht Dora. Captain of Dora, please come in."

In our central display appeared a face. We do not have television. This picture was flat rather than 3-D and not in color, just the greenish bright of radar. Nevertheless, it was a. face, and lip movements matched words. "I'm Captain Long, Captain Hilda. We've been expecting you. Will you come aboard?"

("Come aboard?"! So this is what comes of running around the universes in a modified duo, without so much as a pressure suit.) "Thank you, Captain Long, but I can't accept. No air locks."

"We anticipated that, Captain. Dora's radius-nine-oh hold has been modified for Gay Deceiver. If you will do us the honor, we will take you inboard. Your wings are raked back, are they not? Hypersonic?"

"Yes."

"I will move slowly, become dead in space with respect to you, then reorient and move to surround you as gently as a kiss."

"If the Captain pleases- It is my duty t~ advise her if I see a mistake in prospect."

I barely whispered. "Zebbie, you're advising me not to?"

"Hell, no," he answered aloud, secure in the knowledge that his voice would be filtered out. "Do it! What do we have to lose? Aside from our lives. And we're sort o' used to that."

I answered, "Captain Long, you may take us inboard."

"Thank you, Captain. The Dora will arrive in-I'm sorry; what time units do you use?"

Deety interrupted: "Gay, let my voice through. Captain Long-"

"Yes. You are not Captain Hilda?"

"I'm Deety. We call our units 'seconds.' These are seconds: one... two... three....our... five... six... seven... eight-"

"Synchronized! We call ours 'Galactic seconds' or simply 'seconds' but about three percent longer than yours. Dora will be almost touching your bow in,...ifty-seven of your seconds."

Spooky- Blackness blotting out stars, getting bigger. As it began to surround us, Jacob switched on forward grounding lights; we were entering a tunnel-being envaginated by it-with great precision and no apparent power-and it was clear that this enormous sheath was designed to fit us, even to alcoves for Gay's doors. Shortly we were abreast them-cheerful to see that they were lighted. Oddest, we now seemed to be under gravity-perhaps midway between that of Earth-zero and Mars-ten.

"Outer doors closing," came Captain Long's voice. "Closed and sealing. Pres

sure adjusting. Captain, we use nitrogen and oxygen, four to one, plus carbon dioxide sufficient to maintain breathing reflex. If content or pressure does not suit you, please tell me."

"The mix described will suit us, Captain."

"Don't hesitate to complain. Pressure equalized. Debark either side, but I am on your starboard side, with my sister."

I squirmed past Deety in order to introduce my family. Just as well, it gave me a chance to see them first. None of us can be shocked by skin but we can be surprised. But I've been practicing not showing surprise since grammar school as a major defense of my persona.

Here were two shapely young women, one with four stripes on each shoulder (painted? decals?), the other in three stripes-plus friendly smiles. "I'm Captain Long," said the one with four stripes.

"-and her mutinous crew," echoed the other.

"Commander Laurie, my twin sister."

"Only we aren't, because-"

"-we're triplets."

"Mutinies are limited to the midwatch-"

"-so as not to disturb passengers, of which-"

"-we have two more. Knock it off, Laurie, and-"

"-show them to their quarters. Aye aye, Cap'n."

"Hey! Don't I get introduced!" From all around came the voice that had hailed us.

"Sorry," said Captain Long. "That's our untwin sister, Dora. She runs many of the ship's functions."

"I run everything," Dora asserted. "Laz and Lor are purely ornamental. Which one of you jokers shut off Gay?"

'Dora!"

"I retract the word 'jokers.'"

"It would be kind," Captain Long told me, "to let them chat. Our thought processes are so much slower than hers that a talk with another computer is a treat."

"Deety?" I asked.

"I'll wake her, Captain. Gay won't go off and leave us."

Captain Long's mouth twitched. "She can't. Those outer doors are armor." I decided not to hear. Instead I said "Captain, your ship is beautiful."

"Thank you. Let us show you to your quarters."

"We planned to be away only two hours."

"I don't think that is a problem. Dora?"

"Time-irrelevant. They left home four-minus standard seconds ago; their planet is on a different duration axis. Neat, huh? For protein-type purposes they'll get home when they left; I won't even have to figure interval and reinsert them. Couple of weeks, couple of years-still four-minus seconds. LazLor, we've lucked again!"

Gay's voice (also from all around us) confirmed it: "Captain Hilda, Dora is right. I'm teaching her six-dimensional geometry; it's new to her. When they

are home-not just time-irrelevant-they march in Tau duration with EarthPrime on 't' axis-one we never explored."

Jacob jerked his head up, looked for the voice. "But that's prepos-"

I interrupted. "Jacob!"

"Eh? Yes, Hilda?"

"Let's complete introductions, then go to the quarters the Captain offered us."

"Introductions can be considered complete, Captain Hilda. 'Deety' has to be Doctor D. T. Burroughs Carter; the gentleman you called 'Jacob' must be your husband Doctor Jacob J. Burroughs. Therefore, the tall handsome young man is Doctor Zebadiah J. Carter, Doctor D.T.'s husband. Those are the people we were sent to fetch."

I didn't argue.

We followed a curving passageway, me with the Captain, her sister with my family. "One question, Captain?" I inquired. "Is nudity uniform in your ship? I don't even have captain's insignia."

"May I give you a pair of stickums?"

"Do I need them?"

"As you please. I put these on just to receive you. People wear what they wish; Dora keeps the ship comfortable. She's a good housekeeper."

"What are your passengers wearing?"

"When I left the lounge, one was wearing perfume; the other had a sheet wrapped as a toga. Does your planet have dress taboos? If you will define them, we will try to make you feel at home." She added, "Here are your quarters. If they don't please you, tell Dora. She'll rearrange partitions, or convert double beds into one giant bed, or four single beds, or any combination; we want you to be comfortable. When you feel like coming out, Dora will lead you."

As the door contracted Jacob said, "You've proved your theories, Hilda. We've fallen into another story."