Providence

Chapter Thirteen Guilty

“What is it?” I asked, leaning over his shoulder.

He turned to face me holding a brown, leather-bound book. It surpassed antique in appearance; well-worn on the edges, with a strange branded seal on the front cover.

“It’s the Naissance de Demoniac. The Bible of Hell,” he said in a whisper.

“Why is the Bible of Hell in Jack’s safe?” I said, stunned.

“Each of the patricians of the hierarchy of Hell has one. This one belongs to Shax,” he said, eyeing the black brand in the center. “I don’t want to know how Jack got his hands on it, but the fact that both of our names are on the account here tells me that he knew I would go against his wishes, and once I did, we would need this.”

“Need it for what?”

“To barter for the only thing Jack would be willing to hand this over for: Your life.” His expression was tortured, as if the guilt was crushing him.

“Jared….” I said, reaching out to him.

He pulled away and emotion disappeared from his face.

His rejection fueled my irritation. “Are we going to leave it here or take it with us?” I asked.

“It’s staying here. I don’t want this anywhere near you. Let’s hope Shax is the one demon in Hell that won’t hold a grudge.”

I reached my hand out to the book. “What’s in it?”

Jared jerked it away and kneeled down to thrust it back into the safe. He slammed the door shut, locked it and pushed the safe into the safety deposit box with a loud bang. He threw the paper bearing the code in with it and locked the door, shoving the key into his pocket.

Grabbing my arm, he rushed down the aisle toward the door. A short, low buzzer sounded when Jared pressed the button, and he fidgeted until Mr. Stephens answered.

“We’re ready,” Jared growled.

As soon as the vault opened, I was pulled forward again. His long strides had me trotting alongside him to keep up. The elevator doors slid open, revealing Mr. Stephens’ lanky frame. Jared stood rigid as the elevator climbed, and when the doors opened again he burst out, keeping a firm grip on my arm.

At his motorcycle, Jared wasted no time handing me his helmet. I fumbled with the chin strap, and with one movement he snapped his firmly across my neck and swung his leg over the seat, simultaneously pulling me on the seat behind him with one arm.

He wrapped my arms tightly against his chest. “Hang on,” he demanded.

We raced down the road, weaving through traffic, blowing through red lights and stops signs until we reached his building.

My feet barely touched the steps, and once we were inside the loft, he released me. Without a word he climbed the stairs and disappeared beyond the railing. I stood at the bottom of the steps and listened as his footsteps stopped in the center of his bedroom. I waited, listening for a clue as to what he was up to, and then he walked into the bathroom. Seconds later I heard the shower turn on, so I waited.

Ten minutes passed. I sat on the couch, staring at the dark television screen. Nothing about Jared’s behavior made sense, and I assumed he would explain it in his own time, as he always did.

After half an hour, I began to doubt my own reasoning. I climbed the stairs and made my way to the bathroom door, pressing my ear against the wood. The shower was still running so I tried to be patient, but after the fourth time of glancing at the clock I couldn’t let him avoid me anymore.

I lifted my fist to knock on the door but held back, turning the knob instead. The steam bellowed out around me and dissipated, revealing Jared slumped on the floor. His knees up, his back against the tile wall, his head down; he looked hopeless.

I sat on my knees in front of him. “Jared?”

He looked up at me, his eyes a midnight blue. “The night I sat on that bench, Nina, I signed your death warrant.”

“What are you talking about?” The sight of him frightened me. “Please tell me what’s going on!”

“We had more company last night,” Jared said, with the same tortured look from before.

“Who was it this time?” I asked.

“Gabriel,” he choked out.

“You’re not talking about your father, are you? You mean The Gabriel?”

“Yes…The Gabriel.” Jared said, rolling his eyes at his own words. “He’s one of the most vocal advocates for eliminating fallen Archs before they have a chance to procreate. My existence insults him,” he said, an indignant look flitting across his face. “Gabriel’s a messenger…he also serves as the angel of death.”

I swallowed. “What did he say to you?”

Jared leaned his head back against the wall. “He said that he’ll see me soon.”

My mouth opened as I gasped. “What did you say to that?”

“That he always says that,” he said with a contrived smile.

I thought for a moment. “Eli doesn’t mind Hybrids. Maybe he can talk to Gabriel?”

Jared breathed out through his nose, trying to be patient with my suggestion. “Nina, no one but the Almighty tells Gabriel anything.”

My shoulders sunk. “So now we’re fighting demons and angels? How did we sink into this mess?”

“I shouldn’t have sat on that bench.”

I touched his face. “You sitting on that bench is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Jared recoiled from my touch. “You don’t know what you’re saying. You have no idea what I’ve caused. Shax won’t stop until he has the book, and even then there’s a good chance he’ll retaliate. Hell wants us dead and Heaven won’t help us, Nina. I don’t know what to do.”

“This isn’t your fault. If Jack hadn’t taken the book, none of this would have happened.”

Jared laughed once. “Including us.”

I frowned. “Didn’t we agree we had to get through the nightmare to get our miracle?”

Jared smiled infinitesimally. “Yeah.” He parted his knees and pulled me to him, hugging me to his chest.

“What are we going to do about what we saw today?” I whispered into his neck.

“Right now we’re just dealing with humans. We have to make sure it stays that way.”Jared shifted and stood up, bringing me along with him. He brought me to the middle of his room and took in a deep cleansing breath, pressing his forehead against mine.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so….” he shook his head, clearly in full self-loathing mode.

I inched up on the balls of my feet and touched my lips to his. He cautiously kissed me back, and then sighed again.

“You’re under a lot of pressure right now,” I said, running my fingers through the sides of his hair.

“The last person I should be taking that out on is you. The way I treated you this morning is unforgiveable,” he frowned.

“It was unforgiveable,” I said. “But I forgive you.”

“We know what they want; we’re just not sure how far they’ll go to get it. Claire and I can handle the humans. The hardest part will be waiting for their next move.”

I nodded and wrapped my arms around him. “Can we start this day over?”

Jared kissed the top of my head. “Why don’t we start with getting you to class? You have a test today, don’t you?”

I shook my head. “I have a paper to turn in at ten thirty.”

Jared released me, disappearing to the bathroom. He emerged in a light grey t-shirt and black soccer shorts, with his ratty running shoes. He looked dramatically different than the more professional attire he wore to the bank.

I stood by the door and waited while he pulled a hooded sweatshirt over his head.

“Get your stuff together and I’ll take you to school. I need to finish setting up for next week, so I’ll meet you later, okay? Claire will be close,” he said, almost in passing.

“Jared?” My fists gripped the fabric of his shirt, holding him tightly to me just as he began to walk away. He looked down at me and tucked my hair behind my ear.

“Yes?” he smiled, the softness finally returning to his eyes.

“Can we just pretend it’s a normal vacation and forget about everything here?”

“Absolutely,” he said, hugging me to him.

At Brown, Jared seemed to be back to his old self, which helped the unease surrounding me. Bibles from Hell, demons with criminals-for-hire, antagonistic angels — trying to make sense of it all only created more questions.

I snapped out of my daze when I saw Jared’s expression. “See you at one thirty?” I asked.

Ryan passed us as he walked into the classroom, nodding to Jared. I noticed Jared watch him for a long moment, and then he looked into my eyes.

“Nina,” he said, a bit nervous. “I’m sorry about earlier. It won’t happen again.”

“You’ve already said that,” I said, pulling up one corner of my mouth.

Guilt displayed across Jared’s face. “I know. I just don’t think that I was clear.”

“You were clear. Consider it forgotten.”

His face seemed to relax, then, and he kissed me once more. “I’ll have your things back in your room. I’ll meet you there when you get back.”

I nodded and watched him walk down the hall. Before he turned the corner, he looked back at me and smiled. I waved and extended the handle of my bag, continuing to my seat.

“I came by your room about nine last night. You weren’t there,” Ryan said in a hushed voice, tapping his pen on my desk.

“I was sick last night. I stayed with Jared.”

Ryan’s face turned concerned. “You could have stayed here. I could have kept an eye on you.”

I smiled, knowing he was sincere. I appreciated his attempt to repair our friendship. The bitterness from before was absent from his face, and sitting beside him felt right again.

“I’m fine, now. It was just a bad hangover. I didn’t feel well all day.”

“Yeah, I didn’t feel the greatest, either,” he said, shaking his head.

“And yet you offer to take care of me? That would be a sad sight, both of us lying around, puking our guts out,” I laughed, shaking my head.

Ryan chuckled, taking my paper when the professor instructed the class to pass them to the end of the row. During lecture, a small square of paper landed on my desk. I smiled and pulled open the folds.

It was in Ryan’s chicken scratch.

Will you go to lunch w/me? (circle one)

I’ll lose my appetite if I have to sit across from you.

I already have lunch plans w/my husband.

Of course, I need to practice my slogans.

I wanted to roll my eyes at his childish note, but when I saw the expectant grin on his face, I couldn’t say no. I circled ‘C’, folded it, and tossed it back. Ryan always came up with the silliest things, and I adored that about him. Unbeknownst to him, he was a safe harbor from my other life, the one that had become full of shadows and uncertainty.

I watched him unfold the paper and read my answer. He didn’t look up at me; he folded back the small torn page and stuffed it in his pocket, a wide grin across his face.

After class, Ryan and I walked to The Gate. He was his usual amusing self, and I laughed every step of the way. A few times I noticed he would hug me to him, nudge me, and a few times he led me by the small of my back through the doors he held open. I had the distinct feeling we were on a date, even though that wasn’t the case. The only thing that bothered me was that Ryan’s touch didn’t bother me. It wasn’t the electricity I felt with Jared, but it felt expected, almost comfortable.

I didn’t realize when Ryan asked me to lunch that the entire study group was coming, but I smiled at the friends that filtered in and surrounded us. Over the next hour, we sat hunched over our paper plates of pizza that we balanced on our laps, the boys trying their best to keep their towering stacks of slices from falling to the floor. Ryan and Kim were inexplicably engaged in a contest to see who could take the bigger bite. Our ordinary moment was a welcomed break and I smiled at the laughter saturating the air around me, absorbing the sweet chaos I hadn’t realized I’d missed.

Ryan walked out with me and smiled. “You’re staying here, tonight, huh?”

“I am,” I grinned.

He prolonged our walk with a leisurely pace. “Are you going to study group tonight?”

“Are you?”

He shrugged. “I need to. I was going to ask for your help.”

“You need more help than I can give you, but I’ll do my best.”

Ryan kept his hands in his pockets, angling his face towards the sunshine. He looked truly happy, and I felt a warm tinge in my chest. I was hopeful that we could remain in each other’s lives, after all.

“It’s nice today. I could grab a blanket and we could hang out on the greens,” he said, purposefully bumping into me.

Jared waiting for me came to the forefront of my mind, but I didn’t want to spoil Ryan’s buoyant mood. We walked a few more steps as I decided how I should explain to him why I wouldn’t. I had experienced normal, the normal I had been desperate for, and yet I found myself giddy at the thought of seeing Jared again.

“It’s okay if you can’t. I’ll see you tonight.” Ryan said, squinting as he looked to the sky again. I was thankful that his radiant grin hadn’t faded.

I smiled in response and he pulled me into his side, kissing my forehead.

“Later, Nigh,” he said before turning toward his dorm.

I pulled in a big, cleansing breath of air. I felt renewed and rejuvenated. Even with the frightening things that lurked in the shadows, something had made it all disappear. I quickened my pace, eager to see Jared again. He was the only thing that could make my afternoon better.

The door was cracked when I arrived, and I pushed it open to find Jared looking out of the opened slits of the window blind. A smile immediately streaked across my face.

“Did you have a good time?” he asked, not turning around.

I walked up behind him, wrapped my arms tightly around his middle and squeezed. He folded his arms over mine.

“As if you have to ask. You should have joined us,” I said, closing my eyes and taking in his wonderful scent. When he didn’t respond, I released my grip on him and walked around to see the perfection of his features. His eyes were bright and cloudless like the sky outside, but they seemed sad.

“I didn’t want to interrupt.”

I smoothed the barely noticeable wrinkle between his eyebrows. “It would have been better had you shown up.”

He looked away for a moment. “You don’t need me with you every second, Nina. You seem happier sometimes when I’m not.”

“You think because you sensed that I was happy this afternoon it was because you weren’t there? Don’t be ridiculous,” I scolded.

“I think it’s good for you to spend time with your friends. I loved watching you laugh with them. You haven’t laughed like that in a long time,” he said as a small smile materialized on his face. It looked unnatural against the worried set of his eyes.

I hopped on one foot to pull off one boot and then repeated the process with the other. My feet felt as if I’d been trudging through a swamp from the uncharacteristically warm weather outside.

“Jared, what is it? Did I do something wrong?”

“No,” he shifted. “Can we not talk about this?”

“I want to know,” I said, keeping myself in his line of sight.

Jared sighed and cringed at the words he was about to speak. “I’m glad that you’re happy you and Ryan are friends again. Believe me when I say that as long as it makes you happy, I want that for you. But I’m in love with you, Nina. I can’t help but be a little worried knowing what I know.”

“I don’t feel that way about him, Jared. You have to sense that,” I said, touching his arm.

“I know,” he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tight. “I don’t think it will ever become easier to watch him make you laugh, though.” He relaxed his face and tried another reassuring smile, but it fell short.

I raised one eyebrow. “Jared Ryel, are you jealous?”

Jared raked his hair with his fingers and let them slide to his neck, rubbing it nervously. “You asked, Nina. I told you the truth.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You’re jealous.”

He shook his head no. “I’m…,” he pressed his lips together and shook his head yes with a few quick jerks, “a little jealous, yeah.”

“Oh.”

Jared positioned himself in front of me and cupped my shoulders. “I don’t want to lose you. Especially after the morning we had compared to your afternoon with him. It wouldn’t take much more of that for you to question why you chose me.”

My feelings had betrayed me. Jared’s connection to me had become stronger, and he could feel my relief to be around Ryan. He sensed the contentment I’d experienced at lunch. My stomach reeled with guilt for indulging in such emotions. Nothing could compensate for the love and safety I felt with Jared.

My eyes fell to the floor when I realized how it must have hurt him. I was bathing in my temporary liberation from the madness that had exploded around me, and he must have thought I was glad to be free of him.

He could sense my feelings, but he didn’t know the motivation behind them.

I continued to look down, picking at my nails as an excuse. “It was nice to have a little normal today, Jared. I do enjoy spending time with Ryan…with all of my friends,” I looked to his face to gauge his reaction. “But do you honestly think I would trade being with you for one silly afternoon?”

Jared didn’t speak for a long while. I watched as several emotions scrolled over his face; he seemed to appreciate what I was trying to say, but I could see the turmoil in his eyes.

Jared shook his head and tensed his arms around me. “When I’m with you, Nina…you’re the only thing that gives me peace. It seems like I’m the opposite for you.”

“It doesn’t always seem like you’re all that happy and peaceful with me,” I pointed out.

Jared’s face crumpled. “I don’t want you to think that. I said this morning that I should have never sat on that bench…I didn’t mean it. That was the beginning of the best moments of my life.”

I pressed my cheek against his chest and relaxed into the heat that blazed through his t-shirt.

“Everything around us is crazy,” I said. “Being with you is the only thing that makes sense. You were so worried about the way I felt when I was with Ryan that you obviously missed the way I felt when I realized I was going to see you soon.”

That caught his attention. “When was that?”

“On my way here.”

“So that was about me? It wasn’t because you were with him?”Jared’s eyebrows pushed up and then pressed together, looking somewhat disconcerted and touched at the same time. Realization hit him and the tension melted from his eyes. A few seconds later, a wide grin flashed across his face.

“That makes me happy,” I said, matching his smile.

I leaned up on the balls of my feet and kissed him. He tightened his grip around me and my feet slowly came off the floor. My lips were slow and deliberate. I wrapped my arms around his neck, happy that it was my turn to demonstrate my feelings with a kiss.

After a moment, he returned me to the floor. I pressed my forehead against his chest and sighed at the silly misunderstanding. Jared was obviously more worried about my fate with Ryan than I thought.

I looked up at him. “If I’m happy when you’re not around, it’s because I’m thinking of you.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t say things the way I can?” he beamed.

“It’s just the truth,” I said in earnest. I was beyond pleased that he compared his always elegant articulation with my stunted, debilitated speech.

Jared kissed me again, this time scooping me into his arms and lowering me onto my bed. His lips traveled over to my ear, and then slowly made their way down my neck.

I slipped my hands under his shirt and ran my fingers up his back, marveling at the incredible muscles of his torso and his baby-soft skin. Jared pulled his shirt over his head with one hand and tossed it onto the floor. As he did so, his muscles stretched and flexed under his skin, and the butterflies in my stomach erupted into a frenzy.

“Is it hot in here?” I teased.

“Getting pretty toasty,” he smiled, leaning down to kiss me again.

I pulled away from his mouth, sucking in a deep breath of air. His kisses were not the cautious kind. The electricity from his lips pulsated all the way to my toes. His mouth moved the way it did in his kitchen the night Claire made an unexpected a visit.

“It’s definitely hot in here,” I breathed. With that, I reached down and pulled my sweater over my head. Jared pressed his torso against me and I moaned as the feverish temperature of his skin burned against mine. I took another deep breath between Jared’s amazing kisses and pressed my fingers into his chest, pushing him away. Jared leaned back, surprised.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, his breath quick and shallow.

My breathing matched his. “You’ve told me the truth. We love each other, and I’m pretty sure it’s been established that we’re spending the rest of our lives together.”

“Yeah?” he breathed, clearly impatient.

“Please don’t stop,” I begged, staring at his lips.

Jared’s eyes radiated a sky blue as he pressed his mouth against mine. His fingers traced my collar bone, catching the strap of my bra and slowly sliding it off my shoulder. Every inch of me felt tingly, and the nerves under my skin screamed in anticipation. I pulled him against me as his lips touched the cusp of my bare shoulder. His mouth parted against my skin and his tongue tasted my flesh, giving rise to goose bumps when the air cooled the heat left behind. I wrapped my legs around him and my thighs automatically tensed with an overwhelming sensation.

Jared pulled in a ragged deep breath and firmly worked his mouth against mine. It had less caution than before, eager, a prelude to what we both knew was coming.

He leaned his cheek against mine to whisper in my ear. “Are you sure?”

I wrapped my arms around him, my body aching with a desire I had never felt before in my life. I was more than ready. “Don’t stop,” I whispered, the need for him becoming almost painful.

I felt his hand slowly and deliberately glide down my side, over my bare ribs, past my hips to settle on the button of my jeans. Effortlessly he pulled it open and the butterflies that had been in my stomach escaped to more southern regions. He steadied himself with one hand on the mattress as he slid his fingers down my hip, in between my skin and the denim. I let a sigh escape my lips, waiting for him to remove any clothing impudent enough to come between us.

“Well, we can just get it at the….” Beth said, pulling her key out of the door as she walked through with Chad. “OH!” she squealed as Jared pulled his shirt over me.

I cowered behind Jared’s body, covering my face with one hand. “Hey, Beth,” I said, still trying to catch my breath and peeking at her through my fingers.

“Hey! What’s up? I mean…how are you guys? I’m…we’re….” Beth looked at Chad, mortified.

“We were just leaving,” Chad said, pulling Beth’s arm with one hand and shutting the door with the other.

Jared playfully collapsed on top of me, and groaned with frustration.

I kept my hand over my eyes, too embarrassed and frustrated to speak.

Jared eased onto his side and pulled my hand from my face. “You’re blushing.”

“I know.”

Jared kissed my hand. “I’m starting to think there is a reason for all the interruptions.”

I grimaced. “What is that supposed to mean?”

He chuckled. “Here,” he said, holding my sweater.

I pulled the thin lime green fabric from his hand and sat up.

“The only thing the constant interruptions mean is that one of us needs to change the locks,” I grumbled, jerking my sweater over my head and buttoning my jeans. I smiled as an errant thought crossed my mind. “We have an entire week in Nicaragua.”

“With Cynthia,” Jared pointed out. “I’m there to work, you forget.”

I felt the crease between my eyebrows deepen. “You promised it was going to be a real vacation.”

Jared took my hand and held it between his, sitting higher on his elbow. “It will be. For you and Cynthia.”

I rolled my eyes and reached for my phone, sitting up to through the numbers. I sent Beth a text message, giving her the all clear and to let her know I would be at study group later.

Jared slipped his shirt over his head and then pulled me onto his lap. My phone buzzed and I smiled at Beth’s apology-ridden reply. I tried to send her back my unconditional forgiveness, but my attention was drawn to the nibbling at my neck.

“I thought you said it was a good thing we were interrupted,” I smiled, tilting my head against his tickling breath.

Jared’s head jerked up to face me. “I never said that. I said I was beginning to think there was a reason for it.”

“And by that you mean…?” I prompted.

“I was thinking about what Eli said. Surpassing a certain point of intimacy could hinder my ability to protect you.”

“He also said they weren’t sure because we’re different.”

“I’m not sure we should chance it,” he frowned.

“What are you saying? That we can never…?”

He pressed his forehead to my cheek. “I’m saying that it might not be a good idea to test Eli’s theory while we’re in the middle of a war.”

“War,” I grumbled.

“Nina….”

I stood up and walked to the other side of the room, crossing my arms. “No, I get it. Abstinence it is, then. I don’t want you upset that I’m not taking things seriously, again.”

“Nina,” he said, patient, “I’m not happy about it, either. But I have to put your safety first.”

“You sound like a Planned Parenthood commercial,” I snapped.

Jared burst into laughter. “That’s not the safe I was referring to.”

“I know,” I said, narrowing my eyes at his infuriating amusement.

“I’ve never seen a woman so beautiful when angry…especially when you’re angry about this. It’s very endearing.”

“I’m glad this is so entertaining for you,” I said with thick sarcasm.

Jared shook his head, trying not to smile. He held out his arms. “Come here.”

I stood there a moment, arms crossed, eying him suspiciously. The plan that he would change his mind from my protesting had backfired. He was maddeningly resolved.

I didn’t want to give in, but his arms looked so inviting I couldn’t help myself. Before I knew what I was doing, I curled up in his lap.

“You’re making me crazy, you know. I don’t know why you’re being so stubborn,” I grumbled.

Jared’s shoulders shrugged around me. “I’m being cautious. Beth and Chad walked in on us.”

I looked up at him with a dubious expression. “Since when do you care what other people think?”

“I didn’t hear them. They caught me off guard,” he said in a low voice.

I felt one corner of my mouth turn up. “Obviously.”

“That’s never happened before. I should have been able to hear them exit the elevator. I should have heard her pull out her keys. I heard nothing until they walked through the door. If that had been one of Shax’s men, you would have been dead.”

My grin faded quickly, and I struggled to push away any worry. “What does that mean?”

“That means Eli was right. When I’m with you like that, I can’t focus. I’m not only fighting my feelings, Nina. When we’re alone and things get intense, I struggle with your…desires as well. Can you imagine what you were feeling doubled? It’s impossible to think about anything else.”

“Doubled? I don’t think that’s possible.” As soon as the words stumbled from my mouth, I felt my face flush with crimson. “I just meant that I wouldn’t complain about it.”

“I’m not complaining,” he said, kissing my forehead. “I’m saying we’re going to have to wait until I can afford to be distracted. If anything happened to you …I’ve already put you in danger from my selfishness, Nina. I have to keep my priorities straight.”

I grudgingly nodded. By keeping me safe, he was safe. I couldn’t argue with that.

Jared stood up, taking me with him. “Let’s get out of here. Get some fresh air,” he said.

I smiled. “We’d better.”

Jared chuckled and held the door open for me. He had the quilt his father had bought me when I received my acceptance letter from Brown. It had the school colors in different scraps of fabric that somehow formed the Brown University crest.

“What is that for?” I asked, stopping in the doorway.

Jared shrugged, the blanket folded tightly under his arm. “I thought we could hang out in the sunshine for a few hours.”

I fingered the blanket with sentiment. “I haven’t used that blanket, yet. I’ve been sort of saving it as a keepsake.”

Jared’s mouth turned up into a half smile. “Why?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Gabe bought it for me.”

“Is that what he told you?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. Why?”

“I had my mother make it for you when you were accepted into

Brown. It makes sense, I suppose. He couldn’t tell you it was from me.”

“This blanket was a gift from you?” I said, my eyes wide with disbelief. “Lillian made this?” I touched the blanket as if it were gold.

“Yes. So you don’t have to keep it preserved. We can use it for the first time together,” he smiled.

I knew the touched look on my face was pathetic, but I couldn’t help it. His first present to me had been sitting in my closet and I had no idea. “Aw!”

Jared flinched. “Don’t say ‘aw’.”

I couldn’t change my ridiculous expression. “It’s sweet, though.”

“You say ‘aw’ when your boyfriends give you junk,” he said, his face twisting into disgust.

The wheels of my mind thrust into high gear, and I scanned over everything Stacy had ever given me, trying to remember if I was ever insincerely appreciative. I came up with nothing.

“I’ve only had two boyfriends, and neither of them gave me junk.”

Jared’s face scrunched into a doubtful grimace. “You said ‘aw’ when Chuck Nagel gave you that crappy mixed tape.”

My mouth fell open. “It was sweet! Do you know what lengths he must have gone to? Where would you get a cassette tape these days? And he wasn’t my boyfriend,” I argued, shuddering at the thought. “And I can’t believe you remember that!”

Jared rolled his eyes. “I had to watch that simpleton pine for you for months. You may not have noticed him, but I did.”

I pressed my lips together in an amused smile. “I love the blanket. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he beamed, kissing me.

What I thought would be a peck turned into a longer kiss, and with his free arm Jared pulled me to him, pressing his fingers into my back. I found myself hoping he would pull me back into the room.

He leaned back with a jerk, keeping his eyes closed. “We’d better go.”

“Laying on a blanket with me in public isn’t so tempting?”

“Right,” he said, nodding once.

We walked to the Main Green hand in hand, weaving through the sea of students. On the few warm days during the school year, the campus lawn went from being desolate to bustling with movement in every direction.

The clusters moved in a distinct way. A game of touch football was in full swing, guitars were being lazily strummed under the shade trees, and the more studious co-eds were hunched over a book. Blankets peppered the grass in vivid colors, creating a patchwork of chatter and laughter. It was a celebration without anything to celebrate, which made it more innocent, more enjoyable.

We settled on a spot by a tree near the center. With a flick of his wrists, the blanket under his arm unrolled and slowly fell to the ground, perfectly flat.

I shook my head in disbelief.

“What?” Jared asked, smiling cautiously. He sat on the edge of the blanket with his back against the trunk of a budding Tulip tree.

“Nothing,” I said, standing in place while he clinched his jaw at my impertinence.

“You’re going to have to quit doing that. I’d gotten used to knowing how you were feeling without the narrative, but now that I can ask you, when you don’t tell me it nearly drives me insane.”

I smiled at that. “Then we’re even.”

Jared rolled his eyes as I sat on the blanket. After a moment he smiled and pulled me to his chest. I leaned back against him to rest my elbows on his thighs, letting the sunshine drape over me. I remembered what Jared had said about feeling happy with him, so I let the bliss I was feeling swell into unbridled ecstasy. I opened all of my senses, the warmth of the sunshine above me, the heat of Jared’s skin below me, his amazing scent floating around us, the laughter in the background, and the convivial atmosphere.

It didn’t take long for Jared to react. “This is amazing, isn’t it?”

I took the chance to make up for the rejection he’d felt earlier. “It’s a beautiful day and I’m lying in the sunshine with the man I love. This is better than amazing. This is heaven,” I smiled, closing my eyes to the sun.

Jared took a deep, satisfied breath and intertwined his fingers with mine.

We remained that way for a long time, listening to the laughter and babbling voices, their words blurring — to me, at least — around us. Jared jostled me a bit when his arm darted out and jerked. He had caught a football inches from my face.

“Whoa! Nice catch! You wanna play?” A winded male voice said from the foot of our blanket.

I lifted my hand to block out the sun in order to see the person standing above me. I didn’t recognize him. He was tall and slender, had shoulder-length brown hair, and was wearing only a pair of long khaki cargo shorts and running shoes. His hand was outstretched for the football Jared had caught.

“He looks pretty busy to me, Zack.”

I recognized the voice right away; it was Ryan. His chest heaved as he struggled for breath, and his bare chest revealed the scar from where he’d been stabbed. I felt a twinge in the pit of my stomach.

“I can’t say I blame him,” Zack said, smiling down at me.

“Did you throw that at me?” I asked Ryan, knowing I wouldn’t be surprised either way. It was his idea to come to the Main Green with a blanket, and I turned him down only to come here with Jared.

“No! I can’t believe you’d think that!” Ryan scoffed.

“That was me, sorry about that,” Zack said to Jared, breathless, resting his hands on his hips. “Can we have our ball back?”

Jared showed no signs of surrendering the ball. “I think you owe her the apology, not me.”

Ryan rolled his eyes and looked at me, and then to Jared. “It was an accident, Jared. Give him the ball.”

Jared waited.

“You’re right,” Zack said. “I’m sorry. I should have been more careful.”

“It’s okay,” I said, uncomfortable that Jared had forced him to apologize.

Zack eyed the football in Jared’s hand. “Did you want to play? We’re short one player.”

“He’s not going to play. He doesn’t want Nina to see him trip over his feet,” Ryan snorted.

Jared stood up, towering over me and both of the other boys. He looked past Zack to the other team. Tucker and Josh stood among them, waiting on the opposite side of their mini-field. Jared reared back his arm and launched the football across the greens like a missile. It soared through the various tree branches, straight into Josh’s chest. Josh caught the ball, but it still made an audible thud that caused him to double over. He immediately stood up, although looking somewhat like a hunchback, trying to mask the fact that the wind had been knocked out of him.

Zack and Ryan had matching shocked expressions. I smiled at their surprise.

“I am busy. My feet have nothing to do with it,” Jared said, reaching for my hand to pull me up to stand beside him. He leaned over to kiss my forehead.

Ryan reacted with disgust.

My heart fluttered in my chest at the testosterone in the air, and Jared looked down at me. “Unless you don’t mind.”

A wide smile spread across my face. “Absolutely not. Go get ‘em tiger.”

He grabbed each side of my face and planted a quick kiss on my lips. His eyes narrowed as he looked across the grass to the other team. “I assume we’re skins.”

Zack nodded and Jared pulled off his shirt, handing it to me. I was supposed to be good, but it was hard seeing him so animated, not to mention half-naked.

Jared pressed his cheek against mine. “You’re going to have to tone that down or I’m going to get pummeled,” he whispered in my ear.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Like it would hurt you.”

He jogged out with Ryan and Zack, and the other team met them in the center of the grass.

I watched them over the next hour. The skins team quickly realized that with Jared they had the clear advantage. Zack assigned Jared the quarterback position, and I laughed and cheered as his team ran in one touchdown after another. Before long, they had drawn quite the crowd. A small group of girls were soon drowning out my feeble cheering each time Jared made a play.

Jared’s face was exultant, and I wondered when the last time was that he was free to let loose. He’d always had to keep an eye on me from afar, and now that I was just yards away he had more time for himself. I realized that it was like that at night as well, and guilt swept over me for making him spend the night in his car instead of beside me in his warm bed.

Jared fired the ball in a perfect spiral, and Ryan caught it flawlessly for the winning touchdown. The crowd cheered, and Josh’s team ambled around their side of the makeshift field, notably less enthusiastic.

Jared jogged over to me, glistening with sweat and grinning from ear to ear. He lifted me and then twirled me around, kissing me with boyish enthusiasm.

“You were amazing!” I squealed.

Jared lowered me to my feet. “Agh…I’m sorry honey, I’m all sweaty.”

“I don’t care!” I said, flinging my arms around his middle.

“You ready to go?” he asked. When I nodded, he cleared the crowd from our blanket.

As Jared shook off grass and folded, Ryan approached us. “Good game, Jared,” he said, sounding only half-sincere.

I heard Jared mumble a thank you as he tried not to watch us converse.

“You were great!” I said, waiting as others agreed with me. “It’s safe to say you’re fully recovered.” I held up my hand for a high-five and Ryan smacked it. His fingers intertwined in mine.

I instinctually pulled my hand back, tucking my hair behind my ear to avoid drawing any more attention to the situation.

Ryan smiled. “Thanks. I’ll see you in a couple of hours, okay? You want me to swing by?”

“I’ll meet you there. I have a few things to do, first.” I said.

Ryan stared at me as if he was debating something, and then he leaned over to kiss my cheek, his lips soft against my skin. I gave him an awkward, polite smile and then he walked away. The excited chatter around us died down dramatically, and I felt everyone’s eyes on me.

Jared glared at Ryan as he walked away. I met him in the middle of the dispersing crowd and took the blanket from his hands.

“Ready?” I asked, trying to sound unconcerned.

Jared’s eyes hadn’t left Ryan’s back; he looked as if he wanted to punch a hole through it. “Yeah,” he said through his teeth.

Jared took my hand and led me through the stragglers that still meandered around us. He stopped at the door of Andrews as he opened it for me. “Claire is close. I’m going to run home…get a shower. I’ll catch up with you later.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “You’re sure you’re going home?”

Jared smoothed his features and chuckled. “Yeah, why?”

“You’re not going to go find Ryan or anything, are you?”

His jaw tensed. “No. But if Claire wasn’t his…he gets under my skin.”

I leaned in to kiss him. “I’ll talk to him.”

Jared nodded and gave me an anxious look. “You’re staying at Andrews tonight?”

I fidgeted, trying to decide if my unwanted independence was really more important than Jared spending the night in his vehicle to watch me.

Jared’s eyes were suddenly bright and hopeful. “Second thoughts?”

“No. I mean…I don’t know,” I said, unable to focus with the encouraged look on his face.

I couldn’t deny that I would rather stay with him, and he was more than willing for me to change my mind. When I slept at Andrews, Jared was stuck outside in his SUV listening for trouble. I cringed at the thought. On the other hand, it was what he was used to, and by his own words he didn’t mind.

Beth expected me home. When I stayed with Jared, she stayed with Chad, which is where everyone knew that was where she would rather be.

When my mind drifted to Ryan, I winced. I had already told him that staying with Jared was temporary. The thought of his reaction to my new living arrangements made my stomach twist with a sick feeling. I wasn’t sure why I worried about Ryan’s opinion so much. Something about hurting him just didn’t feel right.

“Wow, you’re all over the place,” Jared said, visibly confused.

“Call me later?” I asked. It wasn’t exactly a subtle evasive tactic, but it would serve its purpose.

Jared was resigned. “Of course.”

“I’m looking forward to more games. I’m sure Josh will want a rematch.” I smiled and leaned toward him, staring at his lips.

Jared wrapped his arms around me, smiling at the thought. “It was fun. I’m not sure about more games, though. I didn’t mean to cause a scene.”

“When you play like a professional football player, Jared, you’re going to draw a crowd.”

Jared shrugged. “I couldn’t help myself. Every time I heard you cheering, I stepped it up a little more.”

I raised a dubious eyebrow. “You could hear me over your groupies?”

Jared smiled, pecking me on the lips. “Besides the fact that I could feel how proud you were,”—he kissed me again—“I could hear your voice from the stands in a stadium…at the Super Bowl.”

He kissed me again, but this time his lips parted and he caressed my tongue with his. I tasted the combination of sweet and salty on his mouth, and when he pulled back, I licked my lips before pressing them together.

“Please don’t do that,” he pleaded, staring at my lips.

“How do you expect us to live together if you can’t handle me licking my lips?” I teased, watching him scan my face with the same hunger in his eyes from before.

“I’ll find a way. I’ll sleep on the floor if I have to.”

“If you sleep on the floor, I’m sleeping on the floor with you. I want to wake up where you are.”

Jared smiled. “I wish that were true.”

My mouth fell open. “It is true! You think me staying here during the week means I don’t want to stay with you at all?”

Jared grimaced, shaking his head. “No, I don’t think that. I shouldn’t have said that, that’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?” I said, bracing myself for what he might say.

“It’s going to be hard getting used to the way things used to be, that’s all.”

“You meant more than that.”

Jared looked straight into my eyes. “Let me move your things, then. I’ll have you moved in by the time you finish up at the Rock.”

I looked down at my feet. “I don’t know, Jared. I need some more time to think.”

The answer should have been simple. I wanted to be there, he wanted me there, and we loved each other. But normal was here. I wasn’t ready to give that up, yet.

Jared smiled half-heartedly. “That’s what I meant.”

I narrowed my eyes, irritated that he had proved his point in that way. “That’s not fair.”

He leaned his forehead against mine. “I’d better go. I’ll see you soon.”

“Sooner than I’ll see you,” I grimaced.

“You could change that if you weren’t so worried about what everyone else thinks,” he said, trying to keep the disappointment from his eyes.

“I told you that isn’t the case. Well, not entirely.”

“I know. I understand,” he said. He kissed my forehead again before he left me to walk to my room alone.

I felt wretched. We’d had a horrible morning, a heated afternoon, and then I’d ruined it with my stupid, selfish, stubborn theories on normal. There were other reasons, but I couldn’t pin point what they were. I just wasn’t ready.

I walked into my empty room and sighed. I had a few hours yet before study group. Both Jared’s and Ryan’s sweat were on me, a scent mixed between Ryan’s salty boy smell and Jared’s salty angel smell. It only confused me more, so I made a bee line for the showers.

Under the steaming water, I couldn’t help but think of Jared’s shower. The water pressure was better, the smell was certainly better, and I didn’t have to wear flip flops to walk around in it. I sighed again, knowing nothing would make me happier than to call Jared and give him the green light to move my things. I couldn’t help but smile at the sound of his voice when I broke the news to him, and how I would feel walking into the loft, knowing I was home.

As I walked down the hallway in my robe, I tried to come up with more pros than cons for staying at Andrews. I focused on what my father would want; at first I reasoned that he would want me to stay, but then my thoughts drifted to the fact that Jack would want me to be where I was the safest. And I was definitely safer in Jared’s arms. Loft…I meant the loft.

I closed the door behind me and pulled off my robe. There was a knock on the door and I automatically tightened my towel around me, anticipating Jared’s smiling face at the other side of the door.

When I pulled on the knob, Ryan stood before me, clean and dressed. He gave me an once-over as I stood in front of him shocked and still dripping.

“Well, hello,” Ryan said, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

I slammed the door in his face.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and slipped on a random pink t-shirt before hearing a knock on the door once again.

“Nina?” he said in a muffled voice.

“Just a minute!” I called, feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. I opened the door once again, “Sorry,” I breathed. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I see that. Can I come in?”

“I needed to talk to you anyway,” I said, stepping to the side.

“Uh-oh. Hubby’s jealous?” he smiled, strolling past me with his hands in his pockets.

I closed the door behind him and picked up a brush, raking it through my hair. “This isn’t about him, it’s about me. You can’t kiss me like that, especially with Jared right there. Did you honestly think that was okay?”

“No, I just wanted to do it.”

I threw my brush onto my desk and glared at him. “But you can’t just do it. It makes things more difficult.”

“For Jared?”

“For us,” I sighed. “It makes it more difficult for us to be friends.”

“I said I wasn’t going to fight with you about Jared anymore, I never said I wasn’t going to fight for you.”

“What?”

Ryan rolled his eyes and then smiled. “I love you.”

I heard the words, but I was still processing what he’d said before. I shook my head. “What?”

Ryan took a few steps closer to me and cinched his hands around my hips. “You heard me. I’m not stupid; I can see what’s going on with you and Jared. But I also see the way you look at me. And don’t give me that crap about how you care about me because we’re friends, either. It’s something else and you know it.”

I felt my cheeks flush. “I know you’re delusional.”

Ryan shook his head. “No. I’ve waited. I’ve watched. Today I’m sure. For whatever reasons you’re refusing to acknowledge it, but you know it’s there, same as I do. The only reason we’re not together right now is because you met Jared first. That’s not a good enough reason for me to walk away.”

My stomach felt sick. I hadn’t prepared for this conversation, and the fact that my boyfriend was listening didn’t help. Jared was waiting for me to deny it. As much as I wanted to scream at Ryan to get out, I also knew that I couldn’t eject him for the truth. That…and I wanted to him to stay. I couldn’t tell him he was wrong when we both knew he was right.

Ryan took a step closer and grabbed the crests of my hips gently with each hand, grasping them a bit tighter as he inched closer. He closed his eyes, and I pressed my lips together, praying he wouldn’t try to kiss me. I wouldn’t kiss him back, but I couldn’t tell him no. Either way I would hurt him.

He leaned in for a moment, waiting patiently.

I breathed out from my nose, letting my chest cave in. Something kept me where I stood, so it was the most I could move. Tears glossed over my eyes and I felt them burn, unable to close them or look away.

Ryan released my hips and took a few steps back, sitting on Beth’s bed. “Don’t worry, Nigh. I’m not going to make you choose. I’ll let you decide.”

I couldn’t look at him. I found a spot on the door and stared at it, a tear finally escaping down my cheek. In that moment it seemed fate had made the choice for me.

“Would you say something already?” he begged.

I thought my eyes might bore a hole into the door when I heard three consecutive knocks. I wiped my face quickly, terrified of who might be on the other side.

Ryan stood up and put his hand on the knob.