Hide and Seek

It was then that she seduced me utterly.

I waited. I don't think I so much as blinked. Perhaps a car went by,

playing over us with its headlights. I know I saw her very clearly.

"I was in the tub. I still liked baths then. "We were never very big

on privacy. I'd left the door open. I looked up and saw him standing

there, and I knew he was drunk. You could always tell. He looked bad.

Very bad. I wasn't angry. I felt sorry for him. I watched him

looking at me and I didn't yell and for a while I didn't move or say a

word. He'd seen me naked before, but this was ... different. I was

already a woman by then. I knew. I really knew. And I felt bad for

him.

"I got up and wrapped a towel around me and walked past him. He didn't

touch me. He didn't say anything. I went into my bedroom and closed

the door. I remember looking into the mirror for a long, longtime.

"I read for a while until I got sleepy and then I went to bed. I could

hear him rattling a round downstairs in the kitchen. I guess he was

drinking some more. But I couldn't sleep. I'd get close and then I'd

drift back and I'd hear him again.

"How can I say this? I... wanted him to come in. I used to think I'd

willed him there. He was so obviously, so terribly unhappy. And I

I watched the tears come, watched her fight them to submission before

they could take hold of her again.

"... and I loved him. He was my father. He'd never harmed me.

"I heard his footsteps on the stairs and then the door opened and then

he was next to me on the bed, and he was making these sounds and he

smelled of whiskey. The smell was bad and the sounds were bad, like

someone hurt and frightened. His hands felt so much bigger than I

thought they would.

"He stroked my hair and my cheek. He put his hand on my breast. I was

wearing pyjamas. He pulled the bottoms off me. I was sea red, the way

he looked. I asked him to stop. I told him I was sorry, like a little

girl who'd been bad. "I'm sorry," I said, over and over. I was crying

by then. But he kept on touching me. He wasn't hurting me but I was

scared, really scared, and I started yelling for him to