Halo

22 The “S” Word

On the weekend, Molly visited Byron for the first time. She’d been making veiled remarks about coming over for a while, and finally I relented and invited her. It didn’t take her long to make herself at home. She flopped down on the deep sofa and kicked up her feet.

“This is a great place,” she said. “You could host a sick party here.”

“I don’t think that’s likely to happen anytime soon,” I said.

Ignoring my lack of enthusiasm, Molly leapt to her feet to examine a piece of artwork hanging above the fireplace. It was an abstract piece depicting an expanse of white with a circular symbol drawn in the center. Concentric blue circles widened around it, growing fainter as they moved closer to the edge of the canvas.

“What’s this supposed to be?” she asked dubiously.

I looked at the inky blue circles against the stark white background and thought of a number of ideas they could represent. It seemed to me an expression of ultimate reality, a depiction of Our Creator’s role in the universe. He was the source and center of all things. From Him the web of life unfolded, but it was all inextricably tied to Him. The circles could have represented the extent of His sovereignty, and the white, a depiction of space and time. His power, His very being extended to the edges of the canvas and hinted that it went beyond — filling every space. Not just the world belonged to Him, but the universe as well. It was an expression of infinity, encapsulating everything the human mind struggled to understand. The only true reality that could never be denied was Him.

Of course I wasn’t about to try and explain any of that to Molly. I wasn’t being arrogant in believing that it was beyond the comprehension of man. Humans feared life outside their world, and although some questioned what lay beyond, they never came close to enlightenment. One day human life would end, and even the earth itself would crumble to dust, but existence would continue.

Molly lost interest in the painting and instead picked up the acoustic guitar propped against a chair and held it gingerly.

“Does this belong to Gabriel?”

“Yes, and he loves that thing,” I replied, hoping she would put it down.

I looked around furtively in case Gabriel and Ivy were lurking around a corner, but they were tactfully giving us some privacy. Molly held the instrument gently, running her fingers over the taut strings in fascination.

“I wish I was musical. I used to take piano when I was little but I never had enough discipline to practice. It just seemed like too much hard work. I’d love to hear your brother play.”

“Well, we can ask him when he comes back. Feel like a snack?”

The thought of food distracted her, and I led her into the kitchen, where Ivy had thoughtfully laid out assorted muffins and a fruit platter. My siblings had finally recovered from the incident at the party and had accepted Molly as one of my friends. Although they didn’t have much choice — I seemed to have developed an inexorable will of my own these days.

“Oh, yum!” said Molly, taking a bite of a blueberry muffin and rolling her eyes to emphasize her appreciation of Ivy’s cooking. She froze suddenly and looked forlorn. “This doesn’t count as salad, does it?”

At that moment Gabriel appeared at the back door, lugging a surfboard, his damp T-shirt clinging to his taut body. He had recently taken up surfing as a way of releasing pent-up tension. Of course, he hadn’t needed to take lessons. Where was the need when the waves themselves would do his bidding? Gabriel was very active in human form; he needed physical activity like swimming, running, or lifting heavy objects in order to quell his restlessness.

Molly surreptitiously dropped her muffin onto her plate as Gabriel wandered into the kitchen.

“Hello, Molly,” he said.

Nothing ever escaped Gabriel’s notice, and his attention was drawn to the discarded muffin. He must have wondered what he’d done to make her lose her appetite. “Bethany, perhaps we can offer Molly something else,” he said very politely. “She doesn’t seem to be enjoying Ivy’s muffins.”

“No, they’re delicious,” Molly cut in.

“Don’t worry, Gabe,” I said with a laugh. “Molly’s on a crash diet for the prom.”

Gabriel shook his head. “Crash diets are very unhealthy for girls your age,” he said. “Besides, I wouldn’t recommend weight loss — in your case — it would be completely unnecessary.”

Molly stared at him for a moment before speaking. “You’re just being nice,” she said. “I could afford to lose a few pounds.” She pinched the flesh around her waist between thumb and forefinger to illustrate her point.

Gabriel leaned against the kitchen counter and studied her for a moment. “Molly,” he said eventually, “the human form is beautiful regardless of size or shape.”

“But aren’t some forms more beautiful than others?” Molly asked. “Like, you know, supermodels?”

“There is nothing more alluring than a girl with a healthy appreciation of food,” Gabriel said. The comment surprised me; I’d never heard him express any sort of opinion about what constituted feminine appeal. He was usually completely immune to any sort of female charm or attractiveness. It was just something he never noticed.

“I totally agree!” said Molly and she resumed nibbling at her muffin.

Gabriel looked pleased at having conveyed his point and headed out of the kitchen.

“Wait! Are you coming to the prom?” Molly called out after him.

Gabriel turned to look at her, an expression of mild amusement flickering around his silvery eyes.

“Yes,” he replied. “Unfortunately it’s part of my job description.”

“You might enjoy it,” she suggested coyly.

“We’ll see.”

Despite the noncommittal nature of Gabe’s answer, Molly seemed hugely satisfied by it. “I guess I’ll see you there then,” she said.

We spent the rest of the afternoon thumbing through fashion magazines and Googling images on Molly’s laptop, looking for hairstyles to replicate. Molly was definite that she wanted to wear hers up, either in a French roll or a crown of curls. I wasn’t sure what I wanted but knew I could rely on Ivy to come up with something.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” I blurted out suddenly as Molly was printing a photo of Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girl, “about Xavier and the… um… physical part of our relationship.”

“Oh my God,” Molly squealed. “Tell me everything. How was it? Did you enjoy it? It doesn’t matter if you didn’t. You can’t expect the first time to be good. It gets better with practice.”

“No, no, nothing’s happened,” I replied. “I was just wondering whether I should bring it up with Xavier.”

“Bring it up? What for?”

“To find out what he’s thinking.”

“If it bothered him, he would have brought it up already. What are you stressing for?”

“Well, I want to know what he wants, what he expects, what would make him happy…”

“Beth, you don’t have to do anything just to make a boy happy,” Molly said. “If you’re not ready, you should wait. I wish I’d waited.”

“But I want to talk to him about it,” I said. “I don’t want to seem like a little kid.”

“Beth.” Molly closed the Web site she was exploring and swung around to face me wearing her sober counselor face. “This is something that all couples have to talk about eventually. The best way is just to be honest, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. He knows you’ve had no experience, right?” I nodded mutely. “Okay, well, that’s good, there won’t be any surprises. You just need to tell him that it’s been on your mind and ask him how he feels. Then you’ll know where you both stand.”

“Thanks.” I grinned at her. “You’re the best.”

She laughed. “I know. By the way, did I tell you I’ve come up with an awesome plan?”

“No,” I said. “What’s the objective?”

“Getting Gabriel’s attention.”

I groaned inwardly. “Molly, not this again — we’ve been through this before.”

“I know, but I’ve never met anyone like him. And things are different now… I’m different.”

“How do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve realized something.” She grinned. “The only way I can get Gabriel to like me is to be a better person. So… I’ve decided to develop a social conscience, you know, show more community involvement.”

“How exactly do you plan to do that?”

“By doing some volunteer hours at the nursing home. You have to admit, it’s a great strategy.”

“You know, most people don’t take up community service as a strategy,” I said. “You shouldn’t do it as a ploy. Gabe wouldn’t like that.”

“Well, he doesn’t know, does he? Anyway, I’m doing it for the right reasons,” she said. “I know he doesn’t see me the way I see him right now, but one day he might. I can’t expect that out of the blue he’ll suddenly just change his mind. I have to show him I’m worthy.”

“But how will you be showing him that by faking it?” I asked.

“Maybe I really want to change.”

“Molls,” I began, but she cut me off.

“Don’t try and talk me out of it,” she said. “I want to follow this through and see where it goes. I have to try.”

It won’t go anywhere. It can’t, I thought, remembering the warnings that had been issued to me not so long ago.

“You don’t know anything about Gabriel,” I said. “He’s not what he seems. Gabriel has as much feeling as that stone angel in the garden.”

“How can you say that?” Molly exclaimed. “Everyone has feelings — just with some people, they’re harder to get in touch with. I don’t mind waiting.”

“You’re wasting your time with Gabriel,” I said. “He doesn’t feel things like ordinary people.”

“Well, if you’re right, then I’ll let it go.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not trying to upset you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“I know it’s risky to like him,” Molly conceded. “But I think it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Besides, it’s too late for me to back out now. How am I supposed to look at anyone else after him?”

I looked at Molly closely. Her face was so open and genuine that I couldn’t help but believe her. Her eyes were shining with anticipation.

“Has he given you any reason to think something might happen?” I ventured.

“Not yet,” Molly conceded. “I’m still waiting for a sign.”

“Why do you like him so much?” I asked. “Is it just the way he looks?”

“At first it was,” Molly admitted. “But now it’s something more. Whenever I see him, I get this weird sense of déjà vu — like I’ve been with him before. It’s kinda scary but amazing. Sometimes I feel like I know what he’s about to say or do.” She shook her curls determinedly. “So, will you help me?”

“What can I do?”

“I want you to take me seriously. Let me come with you next time you visit Fairhaven.”

Was Molly’s interest in the nursing home part of the divine plan? We were trying to encourage a spirit of charity, even if the motivation was questionable. “I guess I can do that much, but promise not to get your hopes up.”

By the time Molly was ready to leave, it was getting dark. Gabriel politely offered to drive her home.

“No, it’s okay,” Molly said, not wanting to be an imposition. “I can walk. It’s really not far.”

“I’m afraid I can’t allow that,” Gabriel replied, picking up the keys to the Jeep. “The streets are no place for a young girl at this time of night.”

He wasn’t the sort of person one argued with, so Molly just winked as she hugged me good-bye. “A sign!” she hissed in my ear before following Gabriel to the car, walking as demurely as it was possible for Molly to walk.

Upstairs in my room, I tried to continue working on the poetry assignment but found myself with a serious case of writer’s block. I couldn’t come up with a single idea. I scribbled down a few possibilities, but they all seemed so stale they ended up in the wastepaper basket. As Jake had been the one to start it, I felt no sense of ownership over it and nothing I came up with seemed to fit. Eventually I gave up trying and went downstairs to call Xavier.

As it turned out, my creative deficiency wasn’t a problem.

“I’ve taken the liberty of completing the first stanza for us,” Jake announced as we sat together at the back of the lit classroom the next day. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, I’m glad you did. Can I hear it?”

With a flick of his wrist, he opened his journal to the right page. His voice was like liquid as he read aloud.

She had the face of an angel

I saw mirrors in her eyes

We were one and the same, she and I

Both bound by potent lies.

I looked up slowly, unsure what I had been expecting. Jake’s expression remained amicable.

“Awful?” he asked. His eyes were searching my face for a reaction. I could’ve sworn they were green the last time I checked, but today they were coal black.

“It’s good,” I said weakly. “You have a flair for this stuff.”

“Thanks,” he said. “I tried to imagine myself as Heathcliff writing about Cathy. Nobody meant as much to him as she did. He loved her so much that he had nothing left for anyone else.”

“It was all consuming,” I agreed.

I looked down, but Jake took my hand and began to run his finger in swirls across my wrist. His fingers were hot and I felt them burning into my skin. It was as if he were trying to send me a message without speech.

“You’re very beautiful,” he murmured. “I’ve never seen skin so delicate, like a flower. But I suppose you hear that all the time.”

I pulled my wrist away. “No,” I said. “Nobody’s ever told me that.”

“There’s a whole lot more I’d like to tell you if you give me the chance.” Jake was almost in a trancelike state now. “I could show you what it’s really like to be in love.”

“I am in love,” I said. “I don’t need your help.”

“I could make you feel things you’ve never felt before.”

“Xavier gives me everything I want,” I snapped.

“I could show you pleasure on a scale you never thought possible,” Jake persisted, his voice a low hypnotic hum, “things beyond your wildest imagination.”

“I don’t think Xavier would like that,” I said coldly.

“Think about what you would like, Bethany. As far as Xavier goes, it sounds like you tell him far too much. I’d try operating on a need-to-know basis if I were you.”

I was taken aback by his bluntness. “Well, you’re not me and that’s not how I operate. My relationship with Xavier is based on trust, something you don’t seem to be familiar with,” I snapped. I was trying to highlight the moral chasm that separated us.

I pushed back my chair and got up. Anticipating a scene, the other students turned to stare at me expectantly. Even Miss Castle looked up from the stack of papers she was marking.

“Don’t be angry with me, Beth,” said Jake, suddenly imploring. “Please, sit down.”

Reluctantly I took my seat again but only because I didn’t want to draw attention and add fuel to the Bryce Hamilton rumor mill.

“I don’t think I want to continue this assignment with you,” I said. “I’m sure Miss Castle will understand.”

“Don’t be like that. I’m sorry. Can we just forget I said anything?”

I huffed and folded my arms, but I was no match for the expression of innocence that had suddenly appeared on Jake’s face.

“I need you as a friend,” he said. “Give me one more chance?”

“Only if you promise never to say anything like that to me again.”

“Okay, okay.” Jake held up his hands in defeat. “I promise — not another word.”

When I saw Xavier after class, I didn’t mention the conversation with Jake. I suspected it would only make him angry and result in a confrontation. Besides, Xavier and I already had enough to think about without throwing Jake into the equation. Nevertheless, keeping things from him gave me an uneasy feeling. When I looked back on it later, I realized that was exactly what Jake Thorn had wanted.

“Can I talk to you about something?” I asked Xavier as we lay on the sand after school.

We had intended to go straight home and study for our upcoming third-quarter exams, but we’d been distracted by the prospect of ice cream. We’d bought cones and taken the long route home via the beach, walking hand in hand. Inevitably I’d wanted to dip my feet in the water. Then we’d ended up chasing each other, until Xavier caught me and we’d both sprawled on the sand.

Xavier rolled around to face me, dusting the grains of sand from my nose. “You can talk to me about anything.”

“Well,” I began awkwardly, “I don’t know how to say this… and I don’t want it to come out sounding wrong. ..”

Xavier sat up and pushed the hair out of his eyes, his face serious. “Are you breaking up with me?” he asked.

“What!” I cried. “No, of course not — just the opposite.”

“Oh.” He slid back down and smiled lazily. “Then you must be about to propose. You know, it’s not a leap year. ..”

“You’re not making this any easier,” I complained.

“Sorry.” He looked at me earnestly. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I want to know what you think… how you feel about…” I paused and lowered my voice, “the S word.”

Xavier rested his chin on his hand.

“I’m not good at riddles. You’re going to have to be a bit more specific,” he said.

I squirmed uncomfortably, not wanting to say it out loud.

“What’s the second letter?” Xavier laughed, trying to help me along.

“E,” I said. “Followed by X.”

“You want to talk about sex?”

“Not talk about it,” I said. “I’m just asking if… well, if you ever think about it?”

“Where is this coming from?” Xavier asked gently. “This doesn’t sound like you at all.”

“Well, I was talking to Molly,” I said. “And she thought it was weird that we hadn’t… you know, done anything.”

Xavier scowled. “Is it really necessary for Molly to know every detail of our relationship?”

“Don’t you think about me in that way?” I asked, feeling a sudden tension in my chest. That was a possibility I hadn’t considered. “Is there something wrong with me?”

“Hey, hey, of course not.” Xavier reached over and took my hand. “Beth… for so many guys sex is the only thing that keeps their relationships from falling apart, but we’re not like that. We have so much more. I’ve never discussed it with you because I’ve never felt that we needed to.” He gazed at me. “I’m sure it would be amazing, but I love you for you, not for what you can offer me.”

“Did you and Emily have a physical relationship?” I was hardly listening to him.

“Oh God.” Xavier flopped back onto the sand. “Not this again.”

“Well, did you?”

“How is that important?”

“Just answer the question!”

“Yes — we did. Happy now?”

“There you go! That’s another thing she could give you that I can’t.”

“Beth, a relationship isn’t only based on the physical,” he said calmly.

“But it’s part of it,” I protested.

“Sure — but it doesn’t make or break it.”

“But you’re a boy, don’t you have… urges?” I said in a lowered voice.

Xavier laughed. “When you meet a family of celestial messengers, you tend to forget about your urges and focus on the bigger picture.”

“What if I told you I wanted to?” I said suddenly, surprised to hear the words come out of my mouth. What was I thinking? Did I have any idea what I was committing to? All I knew was that I loved Xavier more than anything in the world and that being separated from him caused me physical pain. I hated the idea that there was some part of him I hadn’t discovered, a part of him that might be closed off to me. I wanted to know him inside and out, to memorize his body and burn it into my memory. I wanted to get as close to him as was physically possible, melded in body and soul.

“Well?” I asked him softly. “Would you say yes?”

“Definitely not.”

“Why!”

“Because I don’t think you’re ready.”

“Isn’t that for me to decide?” I said stubbornly. “You can’t stop me.”

“I think you’ll find it takes two to tango,” Xavier said. He stroked my face. “Beth, I love you and nothing makes me happier than being close to you. You’re intoxicating.”

“So…?”

“So if you really want to do this, then I’m in one hundred and ten percent, but not before we think it over carefully.”

“When will that be?”

“When you’re thinking clearly and when you haven’t been speaking to Molly.”

I sighed. “This has nothing to do with Molly.”

“Beth, have you considered what the consequences of something like that might be?”

“I suppose—”

“And you still want to do it? That’s crazy.”

“Don’t you see?” I said softly. “I don’t care anymore.” I turned my face up toward Heaven. “That’s not my home anymore. You are.”

Xavier wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. “And you’re mine. But I could never do anything that might hurt you. We have to play by the rules here.”

“It’s not fair. I hate that they rule my life.”

“I know you do, but right now there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“We could do what we want.” I tried to stop myself, but the words seemed to be spilling out uncontrollably. “We could run away, we could forget that anyone else exists.” I realized that I had been holding this back for some time. “We could hide, they might never find us.”

“They would find us, and I’m not going to lose you, Beth,” said Xavier forcefully. “And if that means we abide by their rules, so be it. I know you’re angry, but I want you to think about what you’re suggesting. Just think for a little while.”

“Like a couple of days?”

“Try a couple of months.”

I sighed, but Xavier was adamant.

“I’m not going to let you rush into anything you might regret. Just slow down — we need to be calm and reasonable. Can you do that for me?”

I leaned my head against his chest and felt the pent-up anger drain from my body. “I can do anything for you.”

“What would happen if an angel and a human made love?” I asked Ivy that night as I was pouring myself a mug of milk.

She looked at me sharply.

“Why do you ask that?” she said. “Bethany, please tell me you haven’t. ..”

“Of course not,” I cut in. “But I’m just curious.”

“Well…” My sister was thoughtful. “The purpose of our existence is to serve God by helping man, not mingling with him.”

“Has it ever happened before?”

“Yes, with disastrous consequences.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that the human and the divine were never meant to merge. If it happened, I believe the angel would lose his or her divinity. There could be no redemption after such a transgression.”

“And the human?”

“The human would never be able to return to normal existence.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because the experience would surpass all human experiences,” Ivy explained.

“So he would be damaged for life?”

“Yes,” said Ivy. “I guess that’s one way of putting it; a kind of outcast. I think it would just be cruel. It would be like giving a human a glimpse into another dimension and then barring him from it. Angels exist outside of time and space and can travel freely between worlds. For the most part our existence is incomprehensible to humans.”

Although the concept was complex and unclear to me, I knew one thing — I couldn’t rush into anything with Xavier, much as I might want to. Such a union was dangerous and forbidden. It would mean Heaven and earth coming together in an unnatural way, a collision of two worlds. And from what Ivy said, the impact could be potentially devastating.

___

“Xavier and I have decided to wait,” I told Molly, when she quizzed me in the cafeteria at school. Sometimes I thought she had an unhealthy interest in my love life. I couldn’t explain to her what Ivy had told me, so I worded it the best way I could. “We don’t need to do anything to prove how we feel about each other.”

“But don’t you want to?” Molly asked. “Aren’t you curious?”

“I guess so, but we’re not in a hurry.”

“Oh boy, you guys really are living in a time warp.” Molly laughed. “Everyone else is dying to do it every chance they get.”

“Dying to do what?” Taylah asked, appearing behind Molly, sucking on a lollypop. I shook my head at her to indicate that we should change the subject, but Molly ignored me.

“Get down and dirty,” she said.

“Oh, you want to lose your V-plates?” Taylah asked, flopping down beside us. I must have looked alarmed because Molly burst out laughing.

“Relax, hon, you can trust Taylah — maybe she can help you out.”

“You got a sex question, I’m your girl,” Taylah assured me. I was skeptical. I trusted Molly, but her friends all had big mouths and little discretion.

“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s not important.”

“You want my advice?” Taylah asked, not seeming to care whether her advice was wanted or not. “Don’t do it with someone you love.”

“What?” I stared at her. She had just thrown my entire system of beliefs into chaos with a few simple words. “Don’t you mean exactly the opposite?”

“Oh, Tay, don’t tell her that,” Molly said.

“Seriously”—Taylah wagged a finger at me—“if you lose it to someone you really love, it all goes to hell.”

“But why?”

“Because when it ends, you’ve given away something really special and you can’t get it back. If you give it to someone you don’t care about — it won’t hurt so much.”

“What if it doesn’t end?” I asked, feeling a sickly lump rise in my throat.

“Trust me, Beth,” said Taylah earnestly. “Everything ends.”

As I listened, I felt a sudden, overwhelming urge to be as far away from them as possible.

“Bethie, don’t pay any attention to her,” Molly said as I pushed back my chair and stood up. “Now look, you’ve upset her.”

“I’m not upset,” I lied, trying to keep my voice level. “I have a meeting. I’ll see you guys later — thanks for the advice, Taylah.”

I picked up my pace as soon as I was outside the cafeteria. I needed to find Xavier. I needed him to hold me so that I could breathe again and his smell and touch would wash away the violent waves of nausea erupting inside me. I found him at his locker about to head to water-polo practice and skidded into him in my haste for reassurance.

“It’s not going to end, is it?” I buried my face in his chest. “Promise me you won’t let it end.”

“Whoa, Beth, what’s wrong?” Xavier detached me firmly but gently and made me look at him. “What’s happened?

“Nothing,” I said with an unsteady voice. “It’s just that Taylah said…”

“Beth,” Xavier sighed, “when are you going to stop listening to those girls?”

“She said everything ends,” I whispered and felt Xavier’s arms tense around me and knew the thought was just as painful to him. “But I couldn’t stand it if that happened to us. Everything would fall apart; there wouldn’t be anything to live for. If we end, I end.

“Don’t talk like that,” Xavier said. “I’m here and so are you. Nobody is going anywhere.”

“And you won’t ever leave me?”

“Not so long as I’m living.”

“How do I know that’s true?”

“Because when I look at you, I see my whole world. I’m not about to walk away; I wouldn’t have anything left.”

“But why did you choose me?” I asked. I knew the answer, I knew how much he loved me, but I needed to hear him say it.

“Because you bring me closer to God and to myself,” Xavier said. “When I’m around you, I understand things I never thought I’d understand and my feelings for you seem to override everything. The world could fall apart around me, and it wouldn’t matter if I had you.”

“Do you want to hear something crazy?” I whispered. “Sometimes, at night, I think I can feel your soul next to me.”

“That’s not so crazy.” Xavier smiled.

“Let’s create a place,” I said, as I pressed against him. “A place that’s just ours; a place we can always find each other if things ever go wrong.”

“Like under the cliffs off Shipwreck Coast?”

“No, I mean a place inside our heads,” I said. “That we can visit if we’re ever lost or apart, or just need to make contact with each other. It’s the one place nobody else will ever know how to find.”

“I like that,” said Xavier. “Why don’t we call it the White Place?”

“That’s perfect.”