Halo

19 Into the Woods

I was nervous about meeting Xavier’s family on Saturday. He’d invited me several times already, and it had become impossible to refuse without looking as though I wasn’t interested. Besides, he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to meet them; I was just terrified about how they might react to meeting me.

At school, after the first-day nerves had evaporated, I’d never been too bothered about how I was perceived by my peers. But Xavier’s family was different; they actually mattered. I wanted them to like me, and I wanted them to think that Xavier’s life had been enhanced by our relationship. In short, I wanted their approval. Molly had told me no end of stories about her ex-boyfriend Kyle, whom her parents had thoroughly disapproved of, even going so far as to refuse him entry into the house. I was sure the Woods clan couldn’t object to me that strongly, but if they didn’t like me, their influence might be strong enough to affect Xavier’s feelings for me.

When Saturday came, Xavier’s car pulled into our driveway at precisely two minutes to five as arranged. We headed off toward his house, which was on the other side of town, about a ten-minute drive away. By the time we pulled into his street, I had a hundred negative thoughts whirring through my brain. What if they thought my pale complexion was due to illness or a drug addiction? What if they thought I wasn’t good enough for Xavier and that he could do better? What if I accidentally said or did something embarrassing, as I often did when I was nervous? What if his doctor parents noticed there was something different about me. Wasn’t it their job to notice? What if Claire or Nicola thought my clothes were unfashionable? Ivy had helped me choose my outfit: a sleeveless navy dress with cream buttons down the front and a round collar. It was, as Molly would say, classy and very Chanel. But everything else was still one big question mark.

“Would you just relax!” said Xavier as I ran my hands through my hair and smoothed down my dress for the tenth time since we’d left home. “I can almost hear your heart from here. They’re good, church-going people. They’re obliged to like you. Even if they don’t, which is impossible, you’ll never notice. But they’re going to love you, they already do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve told them all about you, and they’ve been dying to meet you in person for ages,” he said. “So you can stop acting like you’re going to meet the executioners now.”

“You could show a little more sympathy,” I said testily. “I have a lot to be worried about. You are so horrid sometimes!”

Xavier burst into laughter. “Did you just call me horrid?” he asked.

“I certainly did. You don’t even care that I’m nervous!”

“Of course I care,” he said patiently. “But I’m telling you that there’s nothing to worry about. My mom is already your biggest fan, and everybody else is excited about meeting you. For a while they suspected I was making you up. I’m telling you this to make you feel better, because I care, and now I demand that you retract your insult. I can’t live with the stigma of being labeled horrid.”

“I take it back.” I said, smiling. “But you are a dunce.”

“My self-esteem is taking a serious bashing today,” he said, shaking his head. “First I’m horrid, now a dunce. .. I guess that makes me a horrid dunce.”

“I’m just worried.” My smile faded. “What if they compare me with Emily? What if they don’t think I measure up to her?”

“Beth”—Xavier cupped my face in his hands and made me look at him—“you’re incredible. They’re going to see that right away. And besides, my mom didn’t like Emily.”

“Why not?”

“She was too impulsive.”

“Impulsive how?” I asked, puzzled.

“She had some issues,” Xavier said. “Her parents were divorced, she didn’t see her dad, and sometimes she did things without thinking them through. I was always there to keep her safe, thank God, but it didn’t make her too popular with my family.”

“If you could change things and have her back, would you?” I asked.

“Emily’s dead,” Xavier said. “And that’s how life played out for us. Then you came along. I might have been in love with her then, but I’m in love with you now. And if she came back today, she’d still be my oldest friend, but you’d still be my girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry, Xav,” I said. “I just feel sometimes like you’re only with me because you lost the one you were meant to be with.”

“But can’t you see, Beth?” he insisted. “I was never meant to be with Em. I was destined to love her and lose her. You’re the one I’m meant to be with.”

“I think I understand now.” I took his hand and squeezed it lightly. “Thanks for explaining it to me. I know I sound like a baby.”

Xavier winked. “An adorable baby.”

Everything about Xavier’s home suggested comfort. It was a big, recently built neo-Georgian house with neat hedges and pillars by the shiny front door. Inside, the walls were painted white and the floors were wood parquet. The front of the house, with its plush living room, was reserved for guests, while the open area at the back, which overlooked the deck and pool, was where the family of eight spent most of their time. Deep sofas draped with fluffy throws faced a flat-screen TV mounted on the wall. The dining table was cluttered with a collection of girlie paraphernalia, a basket of folded laundry sat in one corner, and several pairs of sneakers were lined up by the back door. Opposite the TV was a toy corner, with a collection of Barbie dolls, trucks, and puzzles designed to keep the youngest children occupied. A ginger cat lay curled in a basket. I noticed a whiteboard on one wall where family members had scrawled messages for one another.

Maybe it had something to do with the smell of cooking in the air, or the voices calling to one another from all around the house, but the place had a welcoming feel despite its size.

Xavier led me into the large kitchen where his mother was frantically trying to finish up her cooking and tidy the house at the same time. She seemed to be doing everything at super-speed but still managed to give me a warm smile when I came in. I could see Xavier’s face in hers, right away. They both had the same straight nose and vivid blue eyes.

“You must be Beth!” she said, putting a saucepan down to simmer on the stove and coming over to hug me. “We’ve heard so much about you. I’m Bernadette — but you can call me Bernie, everyone does.”

“It’s lovely to meet you, Bernie. Do you need any help?” I asked immediately.

“Now, that’s something I don’t hear very often around here,” Bernie said.

Taking my arm, she showed me a stack of napkins to fold and plates to dry. Xavier’s father wandered in from where he’d been lighting the barbecue on the deck under the shade provided by triangular white sails. He was tall and lanky with a thatch of brown hair, and wore round glasses like a professor. I could see where Xavier got his stature from.

“Got her doing housework already,” he said with a chuckle, shaking my hand and introducing himself as Peter.

Giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze, Xavier went to help his father with the barbecue. While I helped Bernie set the table, I looked around at the wonderful domestic disorder of this house. A baseball game was playing on the TV; I could hear the sounds of running feet upstairs as well as someone rehearsing a very basic piece on the clarinet. Bernie bustled around me, carrying platters to the table. It was all so gloriously normal.

“I’m sorry the place is such a mess,” Bernie said apologetically. “It was Jasmine’s birthday a few days ago, and it’s been chaos around here.”

I smiled. It didn’t matter to me how messy the place was — I felt surprisingly at home.

“I told you not to touch my razor blades,” someone shouted, and I heard the sound of feet stomping downstairs.

Xavier, who had come in to collect some plates, gave an exaggerated sigh. “Now would be a good time to make your escape,” he murmured to me.

“For God’s sake, you have a whole pack, stop your whining,” another voice replied.

“That was my last one, and now it’s got your gross skin cells all over it.” A door slammed and a girl with brown curls pulled back from her face with a headband appeared. She was wearing a red tank top and lycra shorts, as though she had been exercising. “Mom, can you make Claire stay out of my room?” she demanded.

“I didn’t go in your room. You left them in the bathroom,” Claire called through the door.

“Why don’t you just move out and live with Luke already?” her sister yelled back.

“Believe me, I would if I could.”

“I hate you! This is so unfair.” The girl seemed to suddenly notice my presence and took a break from shouting to look me up and down. “Who’s this?” she asked brusquely.

“Nicola!” Bernie snapped at her. “Where are your manners? This is Beth. Beth, this is my fifteen year old — Nicola.”

“Nice to meet you,” she said grudgingly. “I don’t know what you’d want to date him for anyway,” she added, jerking her head in Xavier’s direction. “He’s a total loser and his jokes suck.”

“Nicola’s going through her angsty teen phase, and she’s lost her sense of humor,” Xavier explained. “Otherwise she’d appreciate my sharp wit.”

Nicola looked daggers at him. I was spared having to formulate some sort of response by the entrance of Xavier’s eldest sister, Claire. Her hair was straight like Xavier’s and hung loose around her shoulders. She was wearing a knitted cardigan, black jeans, and high boots. Despite the previous shouting match, I could see that her face was friendly.

“Wow, Xav, you didn’t tell us Beth was so stunning,” Claire said, coming over and giving me a hug.

“Actually, I think I did,” Xavier replied.

“Well, we didn’t believe you.” Claire laughed. “Hi, Beth, welcome to the zoo.”

“Congratulations on your engagement,” I said.

“Thanks, but it’s so stressful at the moment, I don’t know if Xavier’s filled you in. Just yesterday I got a call from the catering company who said…”

Xavier smiled and left us to talk. I didn’t have much to say, but Claire chatted easily about the wedding arrangements, and I was more than happy to listen to her. I wondered why such a happy occasion should be so difficult. According to her, everything that could go wrong was going wrong, and she wondered whether she had broken a mirror or something to bring about such bad luck.

Bernie came back into the kitchen, looking for Xavier, who stuck his head through the back door, holding a pair of tongs.

“Xavier, hon, run upstairs and get the little ones down here to meet Beth. They’re watching The Lion King.” Bernie turned to me. “It’s the only way I can get them to be quiet for half an hour.”

Xavier winked at me and disappeared into the hallway. A few minutes later I heard him coming down the stairs, followed by the sound of little bare feet slapping against the floor.

Jasmine, Madeline, and Michael burst into the room. They stopped dead when they saw me and stared openly in the way only small children can get away with. Madeline and Michael were the two youngest ones, and they both had blond hair, big brown eyes, and smudged faces from eating chocolate cookies not too carefully. Jasmine, who had just turned nine, was a very serious-looking child with big blue eyes. She had long Alice in Wonderland hair held back with a satin ribbon.

“Beth!” Michael and Madeline yelled, overcoming their initial shyness. They sprinted over and took a hand each, pulling me toward the toy corner. Bernie looked a little worried about the onslaught, but I didn’t mind. I liked spending time with the souls of children in the Kingdom, and this was much the same, only messier.

“Will you play with us?” they pleaded.

“Not now,” said Bernie. “Wait till after dinner before you go annoying poor Beth.”

“I’m sitting next to Beth at the table,” announced Michael.

“No, I am,” said Madeline, shoving him. “I saw her first.”

“Did not!”

“Did so!”

“Hey, hey, you can both sit next to Beth,” said Claire, wrapping her arms around them and tickling them.

I was suddenly aware of a little figure at my side. Jasmine was looking up at me with her wide, pale eyes. “They’re very noisy,” she said softly. “I like quiet better.”

Xavier, who had come to stand next to me, laughed and ruffled her hair.

“She’s very thoughtful, this one,” he said. “Always away with the fairies.”

“I believe in fairies,” said Jasmine. “Do you?”

“I certainly do,” I replied and kneeled down beside her. “I believe in all those things, fairies and mermaids and angels.”

“Really?”

“Yes. And just between you and me, I’ve seen them.”

Jasmine’s eyes widened, and her little rosebud mouth fell open in surprise. “You have? I wish I could see them.”

“Oh, but you can,” I told her. “You just have to look very carefully. Sometimes you find them in places where you least expect them.”

When it was time to eat, I saw that Bernie and Peter had cooked up a feast. I looked at the platters of barbecued pork and sausages and ribs and felt suddenly very worried. Xavier must have forgotten to tell them that I didn’t eat meat. It wasn’t ethics so much as that our constitution didn’t handle meat well. It was difficult to digest and made us sluggish. Even if this hadn’t been the case, I wouldn’t have wanted to eat it anyway. The very idea made my stomach churn. But they had gone to so much trouble, and I didn’t have the heart to tell them. Luckily, I didn’t have to.

“Beth doesn’t eat meat,” Xavier said casually. “Did I mention that?”

“Why not?” Nicola demanded.

“Look up vegetarian in the dictionary,” Xavier said sarcastically.

“That’s okay, sweetheart,” said Bernie, taking my plate and piling it high with baked potatoes, grilled vegetables, and rice salad. “That’s not a problem.” She went on scooping, even though the dish was full.

“Mom…” Xavier took the almost overflowing plate away from her and set it down in front of me. “I think she’s got enough now.”

When everyone had been served, Nicola picked up her fork and was about to take a mouthful of rice when Bernie glared pointedly at her.

“Xavier, hon, would you say grace?”

Nicola purposely dropped her fork with a loud clatter.

“Shh,” Jasmine said, and the whole family bowed their heads. Claire kept a hand on both Madeline and Michael to keep them still.

Xavier made the sign of the cross.

“For what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us truly thankful. And may we always be mindful of the needs of others, for Jesus’ sake. Amen.”

He finished and looked up, his gaze locking with mine for a split second before he broke away and took a sip of soda. In his eyes I could see so much understanding, a connection of faith between us, and in that moment I couldn’t have loved him more.

“So, Beth,” said Peter, “Xavier tells us you moved here with your brother and sister.”

“That’s right.” I nodded, feeling the food stick in my throat as I waited for the inevitable question: What about your parents? But it didn’t come.

“I’d love to meet them,” was all Bernie said. “Are they vegetarian as well?”

I smiled. “We all are.”

“That’s weird,” said Nicola.

Bernie shot her a furious stare, but Xavier only laughed.

“I think you’ll find there are a lot of vegetarians in the world, Nic,” he said.

“Are you Xavier’s girlfriend?” interrupted Michael, pushing his beans around on his plate and prodding them with his fork.

“Don’t play with your food,” Bernie said, but Michael wasn’t listening, he was looking at me waiting for answer.

I turned to Xavier, unsure what I should or shouldn’t say in front of his family.

“Aren’t I lucky?” Xavier said to his little brother.

“Oh, spare us,” Nicola started but Claire elbowed her into silence.

“I’m getting a girlfriend soon,” said Michael in a serious tone, and everyone laughed.

“You’ve got plenty of time for that, kiddo,” said his father. “No need to rush.”

“Well, I don’t want a boyfriend, Daddy,” said Madeline. “Boys are dirty, and they make a mess when they eat.”

“I’d imagine the six-year-old ones would.” Xavier chuckled. “But don’t worry, they get better at it.”

“Even if they do, I still don’t want one,” said Madeline crossly.

“I’m with you,” said Nicola.

“What are you talking about? You have a boyfriend,” Xavier said. “Although that’s the same as being single for you.”

“Shut up,” Nicola told him. “And I don’t have a boyfriend as of two hours ago.”

Nobody except me seemed particularly concerned to hear this.

“Oh, that’s very bad news!” I said. “Are you all right?”

Claire laughed. “She and Hamish break up at least once a week,” she explained. “They’re always back together by the weekend.”

Nicola pouted. “It’s over for good this time. And I’m fine, Beth, thanks for asking.” She glared around at the others.

“Nic’s going to be an old maid,” Michael said, giggling.

“What?” she snapped. “How do you even know what that means? You’re like, four years old.”

“Mommy said it,” Michael answered.

Bernie coughed, nearly choking on her food as Peter and Xavier laughed into their napkins.

“Thank you, Michael,” Bernie said. “What I meant was, you might like to reconsider the way you treat people if you want them to stick around. There’s no need to get so angry all the time.”

“I never get angry!” Nicola banged her glass down on the table, spilling some of its contents.

“You threw a tennis ball at Hamish’s head,” Claire said.

“He said my dress was too short!” Nicola cried.

“Your point being?” Xavier asked.

“He should have kept it to himself. He was totally out of line.”

“And for that he deserves to have his brains bashed out by a tennis ball.” Xavier nodded. “Makes perfect sense.”

“I think it’s so nice to finally have a girl over for dinner,” Bernie said over the mounting argument. “We have Luke and Hamish here all the time, but it’s so special for Beth to be with us.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I’m very glad to be here.”

Claire’s cell phone rang, and she excused herself from the table to take the call. Seconds later she was back, her hand cupped over the mouthpiece.

“It’s Luke. He’s running late, but he should be here soon.” She paused. “It would be so much easier if he could just stay the night.”

“You know how your father and I feel about that,” said Bernie. “We’ve had this conversation before.”

Claire turned imploringly to her father, who pretended to be engrossed in his dinner.

“It’s not up to me,” he mumbled sheepishly.

“Isn’t it time to ease up on all that?” Xavier said to his mother. “They have set a date, you know.”

Bernie was adamant. “It’s not appropriate. Just think what example that would be setting.”

Xavier put his head in his hands. “He could sleep in the spare room.”

“Are you offering to keep vigil all night? No, I didn’t think so. So long as you kids are living under this roof, your parents will make the house rules,” Bernie replied.

Xavier groaned as if to indicate he’d heard this speech before.

“There’s no need to react like that,” said Bernie. “I’ve raised my children to adhere to certain values, and sex before marriage is not something this family condones. I hope you haven’t changed your position on that, Xavier?”

“Of course not!” Xavier declared with mock seriousness. “The very idea disgusts me.”

His sisters couldn’t hold back then, and their explosion of laughter lightened the mood. They were immediately joined by their younger siblings, who had no idea what they were laughing about but didn’t want to feel left out.

“Sorry, Beth,” said Claire once she found her breath. “Mom gets on her soapbox sometimes, and there’s no telling when it might happen.”

“There’s no need to apologize, Claire. I’m sure Beth understands what I’m saying. She seems a very responsible person. Is your family religious at all?”

“Very,” I said with a smile. “I think you’d really get along with them.”

For the rest of the night, we talked about safer topics. Bernie asked a lot of noninvasive questions about my interests at school and dreams for the future. Xavier had predicted the turn the conversation would take, and I had carefully rehearsed my answers beforehand. Claire brought a thick copy of Brides to the table and asked for my opinion on countless gowns and wedding cake designs. Nicola sulked and made sarcastic remarks whenever spoken to. The youngest ones came to sit on my lap when it was time to eat dessert, and Peter cracked what Jasmine called “Dad jokes.” Xavier just sat with his arm around me, looking very content and dropping comments into the conversation at random intervals.

That night was as close to earthly normality as I had ever experienced, and I loved every minute of it. Xavier’s family, despite their petty disputes, were so close-knit, so loving, so human, and I wanted more than anything to share what they had. They knew one another’s strengths and flaws, and they accepted one another regardless. It amazed me how open they were and how much they knew about each other — even little things like favorite ice cream flavors and movie preferences.

“Should I see the new Bond film?” Nicola asked at one point during the night.

“You won’t like it, Nic,” Xavier replied. “Too much action for you.”

Gabriel, Ivy, and I shared a bond of trust, but we didn’t really know one another in the same way. Most of our reflections were internal and never expressed. Perhaps it was because we weren’t required to have personalities that were distinctly our own; so we never spent time developing them. As spectators rather than players, there were no decisions to be made, no moral dilemmas to be solved. Having achieved oneness with the universe meant that we had no need for personal connections. The only love we were supposed to experience was a generic one, which encompassed all living things.

I realized with a pang that I was beginning to identify with humans more strongly than with my own kind. Humans seemed to want to be deeply connected to one another. They both feared and craved intimacy. In a family, it was impossible to keep secrets. If Nicola was in a bad mood, everyone knew about it. If their mother was disappointed, they only had to look at her face to see it. Pretense was a waste of time and energy.

At the end of the evening, I felt enormously grateful to Xavier. Allowing me to meet his family was one of the greatest gifts he could have given me.

“How do you feel?” he asked when he pulled into my drive.

“Exhausted,” I admitted. “But happy.”

That night I thought about something that had never occurred to me before. Bernie’s comment about sex before marriage had struck a chord. I knew it was possible for Xavier and me to have sex because I had taken human form and could engage in any physical human interaction — but what would be the consequences of such a decision?

I made up my mind to broach the subject with Ivy — but not tonight. I didn’t want to ruin my buoyant mood.