USSR Hoax

30 DISNEYLAND

The Happiest Place on Earth was hopping with excitement outside the Flight to the Moon attraction, but all Tom could think about was getting rid of the stuffed Mickey Mouse. Ever since leaving Dick’s office, Tom couldn’t wait to get rid of the toy. The fact that lunar soil was hidden inside weighed heavily on his mind, keeping him up at night worrying about its safety. He was pleased to finally be at Disneyland and soon be rid of the stolen material. Tom’s son was to pass over the wrapped gift to Viktor’s boy. With introductions to the Soviets about to take place, Tom would soon be free of the burden.

The crews for the Apollo-Soyuz mission and their families were in an area cordoned off from the other Disneyland guests. Tom led his family closely behind the local mayor and his wife as the American entourage started to pass through a make-shift reception line filled with the visiting Soviets. Tom saw Viktor and his family about midway down the line. Along with the Disney officials escorting the group, the overall entourage consisted of personnel from both space agencies. Tom suspected some of the Soviets were probably government agents, there to keep a close eye on the cosmonauts and their families, making sure no one attempted to defect.

After reaching the first Soviet at the front of the line, Tom shifted to the side to allow his family to move up next to him to be introduced. Tom’s heart stopped at the sight of Peter standing empty-handed. The man said something in Russian, which Tom ignored. He instead directed an angry glare in his son’s direction and said sharply, “Peter, I told you not to set the present down. Where is it?”

Surprised by Tom’s outburst, Anne put a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “Calm down, dear. Peter simply left it over on the bench. I’ll go get it.”

Tom nervously looked over to where they had been sitting and saw an old man next to the glimmering wrapped package, tying his shoe. Tom rocked on his feet until Anne had the gift in her grasp. As his wife came back, Tom let out a deep sigh, then turned back to the Soviet, apologized for his rudeness, and introduced his family.

After meeting a few other men, Tom saw a Disney employee walk by carrying a pair of Mickey Mouse dolls and hats. One of the black hats had Dmitri’s name stitched on the back. Since the boys were the only children among the group, Tom assumed the gifts were for them. Tom was concerned there could be a mix up between those Mickeys and the one Peter was going to give Dmitri. While a translator was helping Anne talk to one of the cosmonauts, Tom took advantage of the break in introductions to get his boss’s attention. Once Tom had eye contact with Dick, he motioned toward the Disney employee, who was passing the gifts over to a photographer. Dick seemed to understand the problem.

Dick excused himself from the line and walked over to the employee. Tom turned away for a moment to meet another Soviet. When he looked back toward his boss, he saw the worker depart with the stuffed toys, leaving the hats with the photographer. Tom flashed Dick a relieved smile.

Finally approaching the Alexandrov family, Tom was surprised at the sight of Maria’s protruding belly. She looked like she had a beach ball under her dress. He couldn’t believe the pregnant mother was on the trip. Tom turned and reached for Viktor’s outstretched hand. “Hello, Viktor, nice to see you again.”

Viktor bowed slightly as he gave a hearty handshake. “Dah.” He turned to his wife. “Thez Maria and son, Dmitri.”

Tom lifted the lady’s delicate hand. “Hello, Maria, nice to meet you.” Tom waved at Dmitri. Tom then stepped aside so his family could get closer. “This is my family. My wife Anne and my son Peter.”

Anne and Maria shook hands as Peter thrust the present in front of Dmitri. “Hi, this is for you. Welcome to America.”

Dmitri said something in Russian and pulled out a wrapped gift from behind his back, handing it over to Peter.

Surprised by the present, Peter immediately looked up to his father, questioning if he could open it. Getting a nod from Viktor, Tom gave his son the okay.

Viktor signaled that Dmitri could also open his gift. Both boys eagerly tore off the wrapping paper. Peter was the first to open his and excitedly held up a Soviet toy rocket. Being slightly older than Peter, Dmitri didn’t look too thrilled when he lifted the stuffed Mickey Mouse. Both boys said “thanks” respectfully in their native tongues.

Viktor bent down and whispered something to Dmitri. The boy freely passed over the gift to his father. Viktor then handed it to a man behind him.

Tom was relieved the transaction was finally complete and he could now enjoy himself.

Once the introductions were finished, the photographer asked the boys to get together for some pictures. After putting on the Mickey Mouse hats, the boys teased each other playfully as the pictures were taken. After a handful of shots, the boys were set free to play close by while the press began to take pictures of the crews. The astronauts and cosmonauts were strategically positioned by the photographer’s assistant around a spacesuit-wearing Mickey Mouse.

After ten minutes of various poses, the lead photographer called out, “Hold on, gentlemen, I need to change film.”

Peter worked his way politely through the men. When the boy reached Tom, he cupped a hand around his mouth and asked, “Dad, can Dmitri and I go ride the Matterhorn Bobsleds? Mom said it was okay if it was okay with you. A Disneyland man will take us.”

Tom was fine with the idea, though he doubted the Soviets would go for it. Tom tapped Viktor on the shoulder and asked. Viktor lifted his hand, indicating he had to check, and turned to his mission commander, Yakov Slavsky, standing next to him. Yakov had been slated to be on the first USSR moon landing flight. If the Soviet Union had been successful and beaten the Americans, the commander probably would have been the first man on the moon. Yakov seemed to have it in for Tom ever since they first met earlier in the day, possibly because Tom was a moonwalker. The Soviet commander glared back at Tom as he answered Viktor in Russian.

Tom knew what the answer was before Viktor swung back around. “Dmitri stay. Ve all do soon.”

Understanding, Tom said to his boy, “Son, not now. But maybe you two can go on this attraction.”

Eyeing the ride’s façade, Peter whined, “Flight to the Moon? That’s a corny ride. We want to go on a roller coaster.”

Considering that Peter had personally witnessed the real mission control during Tom’s flight, the boy was probably right.

The photographer called out, “All right, gentlemen, back in position, please.”

Tom shooed Peter away. “Sorry, Son. We’ll work something out later.”

With a dejected look, the boy walked away, disappointed.

After another round of photos, the photographer finally dismissed the backup crews, calling for only the prime crews to stay. Rudely, Yakov stepped in front of Tom, planting himself next to Mickey Mouse, which prevented Tom from getting by. Viktor saw the intrusion. He leaned toward his commander and said something while pointing back to Tom. Yakov turned, rolling his eyes at Tom before moving to the side. Cosmonauts were former military officers, and an underlying rule stated you never questioned your leader. Tom appreciated Viktor standing up to his commander on Tom’s behalf.

As Tom eased himself past the stubborn commander and walked away, Anne approached with a troubled look. She whispered with a tinge of panic, “I can’t find Peter and Dmitri. I think they snuck off.”

After a quick scan of the area, Tom had a good idea where they had scurried off to.

Anne glanced back at the table and said apologetically, “I would search for them, but I’m afraid to leave Maria. She is about to pop.”

Tom looked toward Viktor’s wife, who appeared uncomfortable, with her head down. Due to her swollen belly, she had to sit sideways at the table. Tom looked back at Anne. “I know where the boys are. I’ll go get them. If anyone asks, say I took them to get a soda.” Tom quickly nabbed one of the Disney escorts and took off.

When Tom arrived at the Matterhorn, as suspected, the boys were there, about a third of the way along the ride’s snaking line. They seemed to be having a good time. Tom waved, but got no response. With the loud yodeling music flowing out of the surrounding speakers, he had to yell to be heard. “Peter! Hey Peter!”

Finally, his son looked up with a big smile that instantly disappeared at the sight of his father. Sternly, Tom signaled for the two to come over. Hesitating for a second, Peter dejectedly grabbed Dmitri, and the youngsters slowly crawled under the railings and through the line of people.

As the boys approached, Tom gave his son the evil eye. “Didn’t I tell you not to go on this ride?”

Peter put his head down. “Yes, Daddy. But Dmitri…”

“No buts. Son, look at me.”

Peter raised his head.

Tom softened his voice. “Dmitri can get in big trouble leaving his group. It’s a form of desertion. People from the Soviet Union are not free to go wherever they want, especially in America. They can be arrested.”

Peter’s eyes got big. “You mean go to jail?”

Tom put his arm around Dmitri, who appeared not to understand what was being said. “That’s right, and you don’t want that to happen to your friend, do you?”

“No, Daddy, I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“Good, so let’s not have this happen again.”

“It won’t. I promise.”

Feeling that Peter had learned his lesson, Tom turned to the Disney escort. “John, do you think you could cut the boys to the front of the line?”

“Absolutely, Commander Novak.”

With a smile, Peter nudged Dmitri.

Bending down, Tom looked his son straight in the eye. “Because you gave me your word that this will never happen again, I’m going to allow you two to go on the ride.”

After a few excited hops, Peter again nudged Dmitri. “Yes, sir.”

The Disney worker clapped his hands hard together. “All right, boys, follow me.”

By the time Tom reached the boarding area, the kids were already being strapped into a bobsled. Peter happily waved back toward his father as the cart pulled away into a dark tunnel.

When the bobsled returned, the boys were beaming with joy. After exiting the sled, Peter ran straight to his father and gave him a big hug. “Thanks, Daddy. That was a blast.” Peter looked up. “You’re the greatest.”

Hearing those words brought a big smile to Tom, making the little escapade worthwhile. He lovingly returned the hug as Dmitri caught up. Excitedly, the boy said something in Russian. Peter looked up. “Dmitri thanks you, too. We both had a blast.”

Patting Dmitri on the head, Tom was amazed the kids understood each other. “I’m glad you two had a good time.” Remembering his alibi, he suggested, “How about we pick up a couple of sodas on the way back?”

Peter yelled out, “Yay!”

After getting the drinks, Tom rushed the boys along in hopes Dmitri wouldn’t be missed. But the situation looked grim as they approached. Yakov and one of the Soviet agents were questioning Maria aggressively. Tom assumed the interrogation was in regard to Dmitri’s whereabouts. The agent appeared to be forcibly gripping Maria’s arm.

Tom hurried over and called out innocently, “What’s up?”

Both men shot Tom a cold stare. Anne, sitting across from Maria, had a concerned look on her face, confirming that something serious was going down.

Tom raised his drink in the hope of calming the situation. “Kids were thirsty. So I took them for a soda.”

Dmitri ran over to his mother’s side and hugged her.

Lifting the cup higher, Tom said in a smart-alecky tone, “You know. Coca Cola.”

No one answered or smiled. Yakov gave Tom a nasty glare, as if he had undermined the commander.

Tom continued with his sarcastic attitude. “Don’t you have Coke in the Soviet Union?”

Yakov turned away in disgust, saying something to the agent before leaving in a huff. The agent let go of Maria and escorted Dmitri in the direction of his father.

Tom answered his own question, “I guess not.” Peter was at the end of the table drinking his soda and watching the people. As Tom took his seat, he looked over at Anne curiously. “What was all that about?”

“They’re upset that Dmitri wasn’t here. Even though I told them you took the boys for drinks, Yakov was convinced you took them to the rollercoaster.”

“Wow, they’re making a big deal out of this.” Tom started to get up. “I’ll go straighten it out.”

Anne stopped him. “We have other problems.”

Tom sat back down. “What?”

“Apparently Maria has been having contractions over the last few hours. Because she barely speaks English, I’ve been having a hard time understanding her. I don’t think she’s told anyone. As close as the contractions appear to be coming, I’m afraid she could have the baby at any moment.”

The worried look on Maria’s face confirmed the gravity of the situation. “Damn, let’s get her to a hospital.”

“I think she’s afraid to ask, worried it could affect Viktor’s position on his flight.”

Tom stood up. “Bullshit. Nothing’s going to happen to Viktor’s slot. Let me go talk to Yakov.”

With a strong grip, Anne pulled her husband back down. “Tom, don’t. She doesn’t want you to.”

Maria moaned softly and bent over in agony.

Tom’s heart rate increased seeing the expectant mother hurting. He couldn’t just sit idle. “We’ve got to do something.” Tom reached over and gently took Maria’s hand. She squeezed. After the pain subsided, she looked up with helpless eyes.

Tom wasn’t going to chance this sweet lady giving birth in the park, regardless of the consequences. “Tell you what. I’ll sneak her out of here to a hospital.” He patted Maria on the hand and said encouragingly, “Don’t worry, Maria, all will be okay.”

Thinking for a moment, Tom looked at the Flight to the Moon attraction and got an idea. He turned to Anne. “I’m going to let Viktor know what’s going on.” He stood up. “Then I’ll recruit help and we’ll sneak her out of here.”

Not waiting for agreement, Tom nonchalantly walked toward Viktor, who had his arm around his son. Viktor seemed to be getting reprimanded by the Soviet agent. After the man left, Tom approached, pointing to Dmitri. “Viktor, I’m sorry about taking the boys. They really wanted to go on that ride.”

“I know. All be fine.” Viktor said something in Russian to his son and patted him on the back. Dmitri put his head down and slowly walked back toward his mother.

Leaning in close, Tom whispered, “Viktor, Maria is having contractions.”

The soviet tilted his head, not understanding.

Tom pointed to his stomach. “Maria is in pain, baby coming.”

Grasping the emergancy, Viktor immediately headed for his wife.

Tom caught the cosmonaut before he could step away. “Viktor, wait.”

Viktor looked over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow.

“Maria is afraid to say anything. She thinks it might affect your standing on the mission.”

Victor angrily shook his head. “Ve have doctor, but he be in hotel with sick general.”

“Look, even if a doctor was here, you still wouldn’t want her to have the baby in the park. She’s pretty far along and needs to get to a hospital. Will your superiors allow her to go?”

Viktor shrugged in despair. “If no doctor, I not know.”

“Then let me take care of it so you don’t chance losing your flight.” Tom looked around to double-check no one was listening before leaning in. “I’ll sneak her off to a hospital. Once she’s safe, I’ll make sure someone gets you. You just pretend you have no idea what’s going on or where she is.”

Viktor tightened his mouth. “Thees best?”

“Yes, I believe so. This is best.”

Viktor looked back toward his wife. “Okay. I go kiss her. Take care my Maria.”

Tom patted the cosmonaut on the back. “Don’t worry, I promise everything will be fine. I’ll take good care of your wife and future baby.”

Viktor graciously bowed. “Spaseeba, comrade.”

Knowing spaseeba means thanks, Tom flashed a confident wink before the two separated in opposite directions. Tom slipped unnoticed through the crowd toward the Flight to the Moon entrance. He maneuvered up to the Disney employee taking tickets at the podium. “Excuse me. May I see the person in charge?”

Continuing to take tickets, the worker answered without looking up. “Is there something wrong?”

Tom fired back, “Yes, there is. Please get your boss.”

The man halted the line and squinted hard at Tom. After a motionless beat, he picked up a handheld microphone off the podium and turned away so as not to be overheard. After a few moments, the man spun back, pointing to a small, isolated area. “Please wait over there. My boss will be here momentarily.”

As the employee resumed taking tickets, Tom moved over to the area. He leaned up against the wall as he watched the people shuffling by, some doing a double take when they saw him, possibly recognizing him. He grinned at the irony of the situation. These people were passing a man who flew the actual version of the fantasy space mission they were about to take.

Finally, a Disneyland manager appeared. He wore thick, black-rimmed glasses, his greasy black hair pressed tightly to his head. He spoke with crisp precision. “Hello, I’m Dennis. I understand you have a problem?”

Tom decided to play on his celebrity. “Hi, Dennis, do you know who I am?”

Raising an eyebrow, Dennis slowly looked Tom over. “You look familiar. Are you one of the astronauts visiting?”

Tom moved in close so the others couldn’t hear. “Yes, I am. I’m Tom Novak.”

With a skeptical look, Dennis took a step back. “From Apollo 16?”

Tom raised both hands. “Yep, that’s me.”

The man’s expression relaxed. “Geez, didn’t you just walk on the moon?”

“I did. Last month, in fact.”

Dennis wheeled in disbelief. “Gosh, I can’t believe it. A moonwalker right here in front of Flight to the Moon.”

Tom paused to look around before saying in a hushed tone, “I need your help.”

The man sprang to attention. “Copy that, Commander. How can I be of service?”

Tom chuckled internally at the man’s eager response, almost expecting him to salute. “Try not to look too obvious, but see the pregnant lady in the blue dress behind me sitting at a table?”

Dennis looked past Tom’s shoulder and gawked at Maria, fooling no one who might be watching. “The one at ten o’clock?”

Tom took Dennis by the elbow and gently turned him around so he was no longer staring at Maria. “Yes, at ten o’clock.”

Dennis answered in a soldier’s cadence. “Ten four. I have her in sight.”

Boy, this fella’s into this. “She’s started contractions and I want to sneak her off to a hospital without alarming the press. Do you think you can help?”

“Yes, sir!” Dennis whispered, “So I don’t look conspicuous, I won’t point, but behind you where the restrooms are, is a Cast Members entrance door.”

Tom casually looked behind and noticed a restroom sign. Underneath was a wall that blocked the restroom entrances. “I see where you’re talking about.”

“If the two of you pretend you’re going to the restroom, when you’re behind the wall, you will be able to slip through the cast member entrance unseen.”

Tom turned back to the young man. “I like that idea.”

Dennis straightened his collar. “Thank you. We’ll take her to the Regional Medical Center that’s a few miles away. Be at the door in five minutes. Knock twice and I’ll be the one opening it.”

“Is that the back way out of here?”

“No, sir.” Dennis pointed to the gondola lift carrying colorful buckets filled with people that rose overhead for a journey across the park. “We’ll have to ride the Skyway. There’s access to the back lot at the drop-off point. I’ll have a car waiting.”

Tom looked up. He was concerned about the openness of the ride and Maria being seen. “Is there a more private way out of here? We’ll be recognized up there.”

“Hmmm, good point.” Dennis scratched his head through his greasy hair. His eyes boldly widened. “I’ve got it. Don’t worry, Commander, I’ve got you covered.” He looked down at his watch. “We should synchronize our watches.”

Struggling to contain himself, Tom kept a serious face as he played along with the sudden pseudo secret agent. Tom synchronized his watch with the man’s.

Dennis’s voice stayed intense. “Okay, I’ll be at the door in five minutes.”

Nodding, Tom answered with the same enthusiasm as his accomplice. “Roger that.”

Raising a hand, Dennis started counting down with his fingers, which Tom thought was hilarious. At the last finger Dennis whispered, “Commence operation, now.” Then he backed up slyly into the attraction, turned around, and pulled out his two-way radio as he walked away giving out orders.

Tom finally let out a suppressed laugh as he hustled back to the ladies. Viktor was at the table and noticed Tom approaching. The cosmonaut gave his wife a kiss before standing. He gave Tom a nod as he left. Dmitri sat over by Peter.

When Tom reached the table, it was clear Maria wasn’t doing well. Tom sat next to Anne. Speaking quietly so only she could hear, he explained the plan. Anne wisely pointed out it would look suspicious if he took Maria. They agreed Anne should escort her, meeting Tom at the restrooms. He reached for Maria’s hand, giving it a gentle pat. They stared momentarily into each other’s eyes. He sensed the worried woman was giving him her full trust. He wasn’t going to let her down.

Tom took a quick look at his watch. He murmured to Anne that it was time and took off.

Entering the blocked-off area to the restrooms, Tom saw the door Dennis spoke of, right next to the ladies’ entrance. To avoid the people coming and going, Tom stood over by the employee entrance, trying to give the impression he was waiting for someone. Within a couple of minutes, Anne and Maria entered the area. Tom quickly reached for the pregnant mother’s hand and said to his wife, “Thanks. I have it from here. I’ll see you at the hospital.”

Before going into the ladies’ room, Anne gave her husband a quick kiss and wished him luck.

Tom knocked hard twice on the Cast Members door. Dennis opened it instantly and signaled impatiently for them to hurry in.

Nudging Maria lightly, Tom helped the expectant mother enter. They followed closely behind Dennis as he guided them through a small maze of hallways, ending up in a room where a couple of cast members were taking off costumes. Dennis turned with a grin. “These costumes are going to be your ticket out of here.”

Tom couldn’t believe he was actually going to be a Disney character. Dennis handed Tom a Goofy costume while Maria got a Pluto one. Maria turned, questioning what she should do. Tom gestured they needed to put on the suits in order to get out of the park. Eventually, she seemed to grasp the idea, allowing the workers to dress her. Before they placed the Pluto costume’s big head over hers, she gave Tom a curious look. He just smiled and nodded, hoping to put the mother at ease. Once they were both dressed and ready to go, Tom couldn’t help being silly. He tried to imitate Goofy’s twang. “Gawrsh, Pluto, you look pregnant.”

Tom felt a hard tug on his arm. Since the costume head blocked all his peripheral vision, he found he had to turn around in order to see who wanted him. Dennis was vigorously shaking his head, a finger pressed against his lips. “Shhh, Goofy and Pluto do not talk—park rules.”

Tom flashed a thumbs up sign, showing that he understood.

Soon the two were escorted out the exit door, shuffled over to the boarding area of the Skyway ride. Screaming kids were trying to get Goofy’s and Pluto’s attention. Tom and Maria were pushed quickly through the crowd and onto a moving Skyway bucket. Tom was sorry he wasn’t able to acknowledge Goofy’s young fans. Dennis hopped in right behind them, just before the small door closed.

Once the bucket left the station, Tom gave a deep sigh that reverberated within his hollowed mask. It was now only a matter of time before Maria would be safely in the hospital. Unable to read her face and get a sign if she was okay, Tom patted her costume-covered hand consolingly. The big Pluto head didn’t budge. Because of the death grip she had on a handhold with her other hand, Tom wasn’t sure if she was experiencing another contraction or was simply made nervous by the swaying of the bucket. Regardless, he felt for the woman and gave her hand another reassuring pat.

Tom looked out toward the Flight to the Moon ride as they rose. The Soviet delegation appeared to be in disarray as Russian agents frantically searched around, probably looking for Maria. Tom caught Yakov, who seemed, oddly, to be staring in his direction. Tom was convinced the man had no idea he was the one in the Goofy outfit, so he waved at the commander. Yakov tilted his head slightly for a second before turning away.

Tom sat back, laughing.