Myth-Gotten Gains

Chapter 21

"WHERE ARE WE?" Calypsa asked, looking around at the foul-smelling room. "Who are they?" She asked, pointing at the reptilian bodies on the floor. "Are they all right? What are we doing here?"

"Bonhomme," I replied, curtly. "Bonhomies. Yes. Drunk is just about their natural state of being. They're friendly, and this is a safe place to get some rest and work out what we're doing next. Any other questions on this test?"

She recoiled slightly then held her chin up proudly. "That is all I require to know for the moment, thank you."

"Good," I said.

"I have a bone to pick with you, Pervert," Chin-Hwag said. "What gave you the idea to thrust the plastic ticket down my throat?"

"I've been around a while," I said modestly. "There are a lot of dimensions that use a new gizmo that originated in Zoorik," I said, modestly. "You stick a plastic card in this hole in the wall, and it spews out cash. It just made sense."

"This is quite modern?" Chin-Hwag asked.

"Pretty much."

"Hum. Then someone in the past must have seen me suffering my malady. You must promise me not to do that again!"

"If you cough up — excuse the expression — what the Hoard owes me, then I won't have to."

"I have already said I will make good on my fellow Hoarder's debt," Chin-Hwag said, her embroidery contracting into a sour expression.

"The overthrow of that miserable Toady might well have happened years before, if you had acted in a more assertive fashion," Ersatz said critically. "Why didn't you?"

"You question me?" Chin-Hwag said, slitting her eyes in annoyance. But she answered in a civil fashion. "She did not want me to. I have been trying years to persuade her that she was in a position to take over and rule as a benevolent queen. It was your precipitate arrival, and your sickening behavior."

"I am not the one who made you suck plastic," Ersatz said.

"You told him my weakness!"

"You told me yourself," I snapped. "Some of us mortals are capable of putting two and two together, you know."

"So they keep telling me," Chin-Hwag said, with a weary sigh. "Sums are only one of the things that all of you keep getting wrong."

"Now, there's about three dozen rooms in this place. Find one that's empty and get a little shut-eye. The food's mostly processed carbohydrates, but there's a lot of it, and no one will mind if you help yourself. The booze is community property, but I paid for plenty of it when I was here last."

"But, Aahz, we cannot rest now!" Calypsa said. "With Chin-Hwag, we lack only one of the great treasures."

"Aren't you tired?" Tananda asked her, in a soothing voice. She wrapped an arm around the girl's shoulders. "Tell her, Ersatz. A warrior is only as good as her preparation."

"Indeed, yes, wench," the Sword said. "Come, let us find a place where you may settle down and clean my blade, and I shall tell you the story of the battle of Corepos."

"And I will give you a potion in case that boring old saga doesn't manage to put you to sleep," Asti promised.

"But there's a great party going on here!" Buirnie exclaimed.

"Knock yourself out," I said. "I'm going to bed."

A warm presence wrapped itself around me and intruded itself into my dreams.

"Aahz," a soft voice said.

"Mmph."

"Aahz. Get up. You'll want to get in this."

"Too tired," I said. "Maybe later, sweetheart." Fingers played with my left ear. I smiled. The fingers took a firmer hold, then twisted firmly. I sat bolt upright, outraged. "What's going on here?"

Tananda sat up, looking pleased. "There, I said you weren't too hung over to wake up."

"Said who?"

"Come on. I think Calypsa's getting confused."

"What now?"

I followed Tananda's curves as they undulated through knots of Bonhomies blinking against the invasion of daylight. Drinking was on again, as the sun had hoisted its bleary red self over the yard arm.

"What time is it?"

"Noonish," Tananda said. "Hurry. I'm not making much headway with them."

"With who?"

In the small room behind the frat bar that Calypsa had chosen as her dormitory for the night, some kind of meeting was going on. The members of the Golden Hoard were arranged in a circle. Klik broadcast a bright light on them, making them gleam like a Pervect's wildest dreams of avarice. Calypsa sat behind Ersatz, at a respectful remove in the shadows.

"What is going on?"

"A conference of war," Chin-Hwag said.

"What for?"

"We do not care for your strategy, and we are discussing our own."

"WHAT?"

"Sweetie-baby," Buirnie said, placatingly, "we just don't dig your idea. It's not really us, if you know what I mean. I mean, Aahz! You can't just hand us over to an evil wizard like a collection of…"

"Artifacts," Payge said, in his gentle voice.

"Why the hell not? Give me one good reason why?"

"With only two days remaining to Calypso's execution, we have no time to lose," Asti said. "I would expect even a mortal with your recalcitrant character to understand. Now, please sit down so we can get on with our strategy."

"We are not yet a full complement," Chin-Hwag reminded them.

"Who's missing, again?" Buirnie asked.

"The Ring," Ersatz said at once. "He is the only member of our coterie we have not yet located."

"I must have it, or my grandfather will never be freed," Calypsa said, wringing her hands. "Please, we have little time to lose. Barrik will lose patience with me!"

"What about it?" I asked Kelsa. "Where is the Ring?"

Kelsa looked apologetic. "I am so sorry," she said. "I have tried time and time again to locate him, but he must be in the midst of some very powerful magik. I have received the same sounds, and nothing more. Here, I'll let you hear them. Perhaps you can gain some clue from them?"

The Crystal Ball turned entirely black. Someone was humming tunelessly, drowned out by rushing sounds like a stream flowing. I could hear the clank of metal-on-metal. Nothing else.

We all concentrated on the image.

"Looks like a black cat sleeping in a coal bin," I said. "No good, Kelsa. Can you bring it in a little clearer?"

"I'm not a television set! This is the best I can do!"

"How about you?" I asked Payge.

"Alas, no. Nothing is written within me about the finding of Bozebos yet. You can go over the possible scenarios."

"How many?"

"Five thousand."

"Forget it. You people aren't much help. Maybe we can do a little detective work. We can go to the Bazaar and a few other places who know where choice jewelry and magik items are being traded around the dimensions. I'll need a description. What's he look like?"

The face under the turban began its eye-bulging antics again, then vanished. An image started to coalesce in its place inside the globe. "Here is the ring Bozebos, great circle of eternity. Its golden band was mined from the same seam that produced the rest of us. We are brothers and sisters in the metal. The wizard Prumdar fashioned it in his workshop under a year's worth of full moons. The gems adorning it are of equal quality, all precious beyond compare. Behold, the Diamond of Justice! The Sapphire of Purity! The Spinel of Curiosity. The Cubic Zirconia of Economy…"

"Gaudy, ain't it," I observed.

"That could not possibly be the Ring," Calypsa said, gawking at it.

"Why not?" I asked. "It looks like the mother of all magikal rings. In fact, it looks like several put together. Iiberace would have loved it."

"Who's Liberace?" Calypsa asked. For a moment I thought about Skeeve, and how he never got my cultural references, either.

"Never mind," I said. "WHY can't this be the Ring?"

"It cannot possibly be great Bozebos, because it is a piece of junk jewelry that my grandfather got from his mother, who received it from her father's mother. He wears it when he does his Dance of Lights."

Tananda and I looked at each other. I raised an eyebrow.

"There is no way that Barrik didn't know that," she said. "I'd bet the last pair of panties in my underwear drawer."

"If we didn't think this was all a trap before, I'm sure of it now," I said. "Kid, Barrik has no intention of freeing your grandfather once you bring the Golden Hoard to him. In fact, if you do it, you'll be lucky to escape with your life."

"That is the rede of what I have been seeking to convince her," Ersatz said. "We need an approach that will upset the wizard's plans."

"Grandfather has the last of the treasures!" Calypsa said, absorbing at last what we'd just spent the last several minutes telling her. "Then we must take the rest to Barrik immediately."

"No way."

"But, Aahz! You have been saying all along…"

I cut her off.

"I changed my mind. We can't do it."

"Tananda!" The girl pleaded. "We must go."

Tananda shook her head. "I agree with Aahz. It's a trap. You can't walk in there and expect a fair deal. You'll hand the Hoard to him, and he'll have his minions take them away so that he doesn't have to pay off on his promise. He wants to keep the old man locked up forever, probably to discourage any other Walts from thumbing their noses, er, beaks at him."

"Then, what shall I do?" Calypsa asked, piteously.

"You have us. We have the power between us to break any stronghold," Ersatz assured her. "And with your promise as a swordswoman and me in your hand, none shall harm you."

"You're thinking of setting her, one inexperienced girl, alone against a castleful of minions?" I asked disbelievingly.

"I believe that she will not be ALONE, as you suggest so insultingly, friend Aahz. We will be with her. We shall undertake this rescue ourselves. Pardon me for my forwardness, Calypsa, but you are inexperienced in these matters. We will take the lead, if you do not mind."

"Thank you," she said, looking at the Sword with an expression of admiration and trust.

"Tananda and I have plenty of experience at rescues and dealing with enemy wizards," I said.

"Perhaps," Payge said, vaguely. "Do you mind not intruding? My colleagues and I are conferring. All right, sharpie, what is it you think we should do?"

"Hey!" I protested. "What am I, chopped liver?"

"Silence, Pervect," Asti said. "This is none of your concern."

I goggled at her. Ersatz's eyes turned pensive.

"A direct assault is the best way," the Sword said, ignoring the Book's insult. "With me in her hand, I will guide her to defeat the forces of the stronghold. She can win through to the sanctuary of the tyrant. He will not be able to stand against us! He must surrender, in fear of his life."

"To an army of one?" Buirnie asked, with heavy sarcasm. He twinkled at Calypsa. "No, it would be far better if you and I went in there together, sweetheart! With your dancing and my singing, we could waltz in there, excuse the pun, and waltz out again before he knew what we were doing. We'll get your grandfather out of his jail cell, and 23-skidoo!"

Calypsa let out a wail of sorrow.

"My poor grandfather! That the house of Calypso suffers so!"

"There, there, child," Ersatz said. "I promise, I will assist you to free him."

"We all will," Asti assured her.

"And just how do you think you're going to do that?" I asked.

The Hoard ignored me.

Payge rustled importantly. "The fact of the old Walt's very captivity could mean that Bozebos is no longer in his possession."

"Barrik has him!" Buirnie said. "That must be why the villain has demanded the rest of us. He's decided he wants the entire set! Well, what's not to like? It has happened in the past, by the masters of Valhal who first assembled us in one place."

"I have foretold it will happen again before the world's end," Kelsa said. "More than once. This may be one of the times. In fact, it could cause the end of the world. Again, it might not."

"How frivolous of you," Payge said. "Calypsa, if Bozebos is in the possession of your grandfather, then he has no need of rescue, child. Bozebos is a most powerful magik ring, the most versatile of all rings ever made. I am surprised that you have never seen a demonstration of his talents, since he has belonged to your grandfather for so long. The Ring is not shy about his talent. If he were there, he would have protected your grandfather. With Bozebos's help, Calypso could have destroyed the castle, let alone set himself free. Are you certain he is in the dungeon?"

Calypsa looked bewildered. "Why would Barrik lie to me?"

"He was taken prisoner, Payge," Kelsa assured him. A pic-ture appeared in her depths of a Walt who looked like an elderly, male version of Calypsa, chains on his wrists and ankles, being rushed through the gates of a solid-black castle by a whole troop of long-snouted reptiles in black capes. "After that, I couldn't say. The spell is blocking me."

"I can counter the spell, with a little research," Payge said. "I am the one you need to bring with you, Calypsa of Walt. With me in your hand, you will be as great a wizard as any other that walks the dimensions. Barrik will not hold your grandfather prisoner for long."

"I've seen those critters before," Buirnie said, studying the reptilian guards flanking Calypso. "They're from Dilando. The Dile has very sensitive hearing. I can defeat them with music. They are vulnerable to my Compulsory Dance music. Mixed with a little of their own war songs, they won't know what hit them. Zildie, a one, a two, a three!"

He started to blatt out kazoo music. In spite of myself I found my feet moving. Tananda and I got up and boogied around the room. Calypsa rose to her feet and started twirling in helpless circles.

"Stop that!" I demanded. He paid no attention to me, but Ersatz bellowed.

"You are making my protege bounce up and down. It is most disconcerting."

"Whine, whine, whine," Buirnie said, but the kazoo music died away. "It's the answer, I tell you. Calypsa, carry me to the gate of the castle. I promise that they will be helpless before us."

"That won't unlock the prison cell, you pennywhistle," Asti said. "We need to take over their minds, and the bodies will follow. I have a potion, if poured into the well that serves the castle, will make them your willing slaves. All of them, including their master, will obey your every command."

"What if he doesn't drink water?" Ersatz said. "No, you must confront him, Calypsa. With me in your hand you cannot fail. Kill him, and your grandfather's freedom is assured."

"A bribe will do better," Chin-Hwag said. "I will determine if the henchmen are corruptible. Gold will do more to undermine any blood oaths that they have taken, I promise you. I have seldom met any creatures who, when acting with free will, would not take the money if they were certain that they wouldn't be caught."

"Oh, bosh," Kelsa said. "I know where the sewers open up, Calypsa, dear. I can guide you through to the dungeons. It is the simplest thing."

"I thought you said you could not see through the walls," Payge reminded her. "I have spells to undo Barrik's obfusca-tion. All I need is time to search through my memory. I can counter anything that he can throw. I will render them into your language, and you shall cast them. Have you ever done magik before, Calypsa?"

"No…"

"Hold hard, friend!" Ersatz said. "She cannot carry us all!"

"No, I fear she cannot. Therefore she must use the object with the greatest range of usefulness. That would be me."

"How now? You would attempt to suborn MY apprentice?"

I put my fingers in my mouth and whistled.

"Hold it! Hold it!"

The Hoard turned to look at me. Ersatz's eyes fastened upon mine. They were as sharp as his blade.

"What say you, friend Aahz? We are very busy."

"Busy? You're beating your chops! This doesn't sound like a coherent strategy. The idea's to break Calypso out of the dungeon, right? You each have your own plan! There's no cooperation. You're all talking, and no one is listening. Look, if you tried…"

"Enough," Ersatz said. "This does not concern you, friend Aahz. Pray let us continue uninterrupted."

They all turned back to their argument.

"I predict victory," Kelsa said. "But, only if you use my talents, Calypsa, dear. Don't pay attention to the others. I will be able to foresee your enemy's movements…"

"You cannot even see into the castle!" Ersatz boomed. "I will be your key and your guide, Calypsa. Follow my instructions. We will succeed!"

"It might be better," Asti said, "if along with you she had something to protect her weak side."

"If only the Shield still existed," Kelsa said.

"He doesn't?" Buirnie asked, his mouth hole round. "I didn't know. That's terrible!"

"He fell bravely defending a warrior maiden," Payge said. "I have the whole tale in section…"

"Never mind," Asti said. "I can brew you a potion that will harden your skin, girl. It may interfere with your suppleness, but you can't have everything."

"No one is going to impair MY PROTEGE'S natural gifts!" Ersatz exclaimed.

I couldn't stand it any longer. "You're going to get this kid locked up or killed! And you call yourselves the greatest magikal items ever made? I'm NOT impressed."

Asti eyed me then turned to Calypsa.

"Perhaps you should tell your hired help that we do not need his assistance in order to conquer one small castle and one ordinary mortal wizard," she said, her voice dripping with icicles.

"Just what do you mean by that?" I snarled.

"Why, that you should take a seat and let us work out what to do. Calypsa will decide, then she will tell you what tasks you will undertake. Under our direction, of course."

"You're out of your collective minds!"

"Give them a chance to work out a plan," Calypsa said, pleadingly. "They have so much experience."

"But not at working together," Tananda said. "At least, not in centuries, if the story they told us before is accurate. We're used to working together. We combined our talents. As a result, we accomplished some truly amazing things. Why not listen to us for a moment?"

"You're not going to try and tell me again that you mortals had a company greater than OURS, are you?" Asti said. "We are legends!"

I leaned over them. "Did you ever think for a minute that we were legends of a different kind? Ask anyone! M.Y.T.H., Inc. solved some pretty knotty problems, and we did it by working together. You're each trying to convince Calypsa that she ought to take you, and the others can play backup. That's not the way to handle a situation like this. You're all vice presidents with no middle managers."

"If you are afraid you will not receive your reward, Pervect," Payge said, "rest assured we pay our debts. Once this matter is settled we will find a way to give you what was promised. Now, if you will, shhh!"

"DON'T YOU TELL ME TO SHHH!"

"Now, as for storming the castle," Ersatz began. "It's a dumb idea, excuse my being blunt," Buirnie said. "Now, my plan…"

"I can show you precedents where spells read by an amateur succeeded…," Payge put in.

"Potions," Asti said. "Potions are the only real answer."

Kelsa rolled her eyes. "Oh, dear, no! Anticipation. That's what is needed here."

"Appeal to their baser natures," Chin-Hwag said. "All of you are foolish to think anything else…"

Tananda made a throat-cutting gesture to me. The power was building up in the room. Even I could feel the floor starting to shake. Two disasters were brewing, one present and one future, and the Hoard wasn't paying attention to either one.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" I bellowed.

The eyes all turned to look at me.

"I won't take the rewards," I said. "As of this minute, I'm releasing all claims."

"You don't mean that, Aahz," Tananda said.

"I mean it," I snarled at her, more harshly than I intended. "Don't make this harder than it's gonna be."

Tananda was an old friend. She understood at once without having to have a long, painful explanation.

"You do not need to refuse repayment, my Pervect companion," Ersatz said kindly. "You are more than worthy of your hire. When we find Bozebos, then he will surely be able to restore your powers."

"I don't want them back that way," I said, flatly. "You're all experts in your own field, but you're not presenting a coherent strategy. As long as I am beholden to you for what you promised me, you aren't paying any attention to me. Well, I am fed up with the way you bicker between yourselves. It's not getting us anywhere. You don't even know when you're about to cause a major cataclysm. I'm tired of you treating me and Tananda like minions. We're professionals, seasoned professionals. Calypsa doesn't know anything. You're confusing her. She doesn't know what to do, and she's going to get hurt because she trusts you. Calypso has very little time left. Someone has to take charge, and that someone is ME."

"What are you saying, friend?" Ersatz asked.

I took a deep breath. "I'm relinquishing it, money, powers, everything. We're all fighting for the same thing, now, setting Calypsa's grandfather free and getting the Ring away from Barrik. I don't want any legendary treasures left in that castle. In fact, I want the place vacated completely. He'll just have to find a timeshare somewhere else."

"Well." For the very first time, Asti regarded me with a measure of respect. "This selflessness isn't like you, Aahz."

"Yes, it is," Tananda said. I turned to glare. She put her hands on her hips and stared me straight in the eye.

Ersatz made an 'ahem!' noise. It wasn't exactly throat-clearing, since he had no throat, but it got our attention. We broke the stare-down.

"I beg your pardon for interrupting this modesty fest," he said, "but this makes us equals in interest. We have a grandfather to rescue and a Ring to retrieve. Pray, Aahz, tell us your plan."