Myth-Gotten Gains

Chapter 12

"I KNOW THE Book is not far away," Kelsa said, as we came to a crossroads. "I can feel it. But he's hedged himself around with spells. I can't tell you exactly where. He has the wisdom of the ages written in his pages, and his magik would fool all the sages. Oh, I made a rhyme!" She giggled insanely. Buirnie played a flourish, accompanied by a roll from Zildie, the snare drum, to drown her out. He was still sulking about having to share Calypsa with Ersatz, but since he didn't want to scare off a potential apprentice, he was annoying on a minor scale, so to speak.

I let it pass.

I surveyed the terrain. It had plenty of hedges. And bushes. And trees. Not a lot more. We had been walking more than a day already. According to the signpost, we were just outside Pikerel, population 80. Pikini, the dimension we were in, bore no interesting features I could see, except the locals' skill at brewing beer, which we discovered at a series of small roadside hostelries, and the Book, which always seemed to be another few hours' walk away. According to Tananda, few power lines arched overhead, but little technology had evolved in its place. Hence, the dimension's denizens, the Pikinise, got by on muscle power, theirs or their beasts of burden. We were disguised as black-furred Pikinise to avoid trouble.

"Why would a hot magik item hide himself away in a nowhere burg like this?" I asked.

"We all have our tasks, Aahz," Ersatz said, reprovingly. "We do not seek to place ourselves in the midst of excitement. Where we wind up is a matter of fate."

"Fine. Where exactly did fate drop the Book?" I asked.

"Hmm…I don't believe he is between assignments," Kelsa said. Her eyes began to bulge and shrink again. "He is out at the end of the…longest path…nice little place, all modern conveniences, four bedrooms, outhouse handy out the back, kitchen, workshop, dining room, properly taxes for the current year thirty-five gold pieces, good school but a very long commute…"

"Where?" I demanded. "I'm getting tired of guessing."

She blinked at me. "Location IS the most important thing, isn't it?"

I tried again. "What kind of workshop?"

"Mixed use," Kelsa said. "I see leather-working tools, carpentry tools, a small forge, some candle molds…"

"Sounds like a boutique in New England," I commented. "Can you steer us toward it?"

"I can't give you a path to follow. I can only tell you if you're going hot or cold."

"Fine," I said, in exasperation. "What about this way?"

"Warm," said Kelsa. I turned to my right. "Hot." I stepped out, opening my stride. The others fell in alongside me. The surface of the road was pitted and torn up by cart tracks, but it was better than walking along the sides, which were knee-deep in mud. We stepped up over a hill and headed toward a solid line of trees.

"Do you mind if I whistle while we walk?" Buirnie asked. "I always feel it helps to pass the time."

"Keep it down, okay? I don't want to annoy the locals."

"How can you say it will annoy them? I know plenty of Pikinise music. They'll LOVE it."

"Well, I would appreciate it if you would not sing, Buirnie," Ersatz said, sounding weary. "We have heard far too much of your voice over the last several hours, and I for one would prefer the sounds of nature."

"All right, I'll take a vote," the Flute said, imperturbably. "All those in favor of lovely, wonderful music, a round of applause, please!"

The drum, which waddled behind us on little metal legs, produced a sharp roll.

"Thank you, thank you! For my first number, I would like to render my version of the Flight of the Bumblebee, with a jazz variation that I cooked up for the Crown Prince of Whelven…"

"Be quiet," Asti snapped.

"But I thought you liked my music!"

"For once I agree with Ersatz," she said. "Give us all a rest."

"A quarter rest, a half rest or an eighth rest?" Buirnie asked.

"A whole rest," I said. "And I'll tell you when it's over."

Buirnie let out a breathy sigh. "I should have known you weren't music lovers. Except for Miss Calypsa here. Why are you traveling with such unappreciative characters, little lady, when you could be traveling with someone fascinating like me?"

"La la la! You sure do love the sound of your own voice," Asti said.

"Well, since you sound like a burp in an air pocket," Buirnie began.

"How did the Golden Hoard get started?" Tananda asked, interrupting the eternal argument.

"Oh, it is an interesting story," Buirnie said, pleased to be asked a question. "I wrote a song about it. It has eight thousand verses. Would you like to hear it? It would help to pass the time! You'll like the chorus. It goes, 'Once upon a time there was a Hoard…'"

"No!" I roared.

Birds and small animals erupted out of the bushes and fled in all directions.

"My goodness, big fellah, you sure can project when you have to," Buirnie said. "I could play some instrumental music, so the little lady can dance!" His emerald eyes twinkled up at the Walt. She looked like a shy girl at a dance being annoyed by a couple of nerds. I put my foot down.

"No songs," I said. "No epics. No poems. No katas. No dances."

The Fife pouted. "You're no fun. How about a joke? Hey, Calypsa gal, I know some jokes about dancers. Guy walks into a barre, goes up to another guy and says, 'Say, do you dance here often?' The other guy says, 'No, but my kids plie around here.' Get it? Barre? Plie?"

Calypsa laughed. "I have not heard that one before."

"Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter."

"That's how you entertained kings and emperors?" I asked. "I'm not impressed."

"Perhaps the joke was above your comprehension, Pervect," Buirnie said. "I'll talk slower next time."

"Perhaps I will tell it," Ersatz said. "I can cut things short when required."

"Bravo, Ersatz!" Buirnie exclaimed. The drum rolled a rim-shot. "You're a laugh a minute! Not!"

"Did I say something funny?" the sword asked.

"Didn't you say it on purpose?" Buirnie asked. "Cut? Short? Get it? He's got no sense of humor."

"The Hoard," Ersatz said, raising his voice over the soprano pipe of the Fife, "formed almost by accident. It happened in the great dimension of Valhal."

"Valhal?" I asked. I searched my memory. "Never heard of it."

Ersatz let out a singing noise like a sigh. "Not surprising, for it is no more. I will tell you what came to pass. Thousands of years ago, there was a terrible war between four factions, the nations of Thorness, Odinsk, Freyaburg and Heimdale, each led by rulers who were eager to capture the whole of a most fertile and rich continent."

"It's starting to sound familiar," I said.

"They were famous in their day. Naturally, they have since passed into legend. Four armies, each legends of power and prowess, each carrying one of us."

"Not me, of course," Kelsa said. "I wasn't there. Yet."

"Nay," Ersatz said. "It was I and Asti, Chin-Hwag and Pilius, the Great Spear. Each of us was at the height of our powers. I had been brought to Valhal in that very year by a traveling Deveel salesman whom the Emperor of Thorness chose to arm him for the coming battle. The armies met on the field of honor. They battled one another bravely, using our abilities and talents, as well as those of mere spear-carriers…"

"You should excuse the expression," Kelsa added. "There was only one spear who really mattered."

"…The mortal soldiers," Ersatz continued, with a long-suffering glance at her. "Yet, they came to a standstill, all four facing one another over a square portion of territory that came to be known as "No-Val's-Land." None could penetrate the others' lines. When sally after sally produced no movement, it behooved our leaders to attempt to end the war through negotiation. Such was my counsel, at any rate."

"Mine, too," Asti said. "I was getting tired of healing sword slashes and mace blows, and all for nothing!"

I nodded. "Stands to reason. That's what I would do."

"Aye. It was a demonstration of the greatest futility of war, the slaying of pawns, yet not gaining another inch for all the pain. They came to a halt around a small vale, where lay a vaulted hall, long abandoned, but still large enough for the four leaders and their advisors to use as a meeting place. It was a historical moment when we were all brought together by the four leaders as they attempted to hammer out a peace accord. Beer flowed freely. In fact, we were all inundated in it!"

"It was my best beer," Asti sighed. "A very special recipe I came up with for the occasion."

"Sounds like a great party," I said.

"In the presence of that catalyst, we felt ourselves changed. Our auras overlapped, and an alteration came to pass."

"I've been at parties like that," Tananda said, with a reminiscent smile.

"That is not what I meant," Ersatz said sternly.

"That's what YOU think."

"We had become sentient, and aware of the others. We were greater than our creators had made us. We had purpose.

That which was lacking in each of us had been awakened by the others."

"Sounds like some kind of mutual admiration society," I said.

"Not really," Asti said. "All I knew was I was no longer the only magik item. I was used to sharing, but not the attention paid to me. I didn't like it."

Ersatz eyed her. "None of us did. We were accustomed to being individuals. Yet there was no denying that we were equals, each with superior skills that the others could not duplicate. Perforce, we came to a mutual respect. When the room filled with our power, all the mortals presence realized they were in the presence of greatness, yet they knew not the source. The Wizard Looki discovered that it was we who were the fount of it, decided to pool together their resources to make one nation greater than any that had come before it, and stave off the barbarian hordes that nibbled at the boundaries of the lands. We made a vow among ourselves, the immortals among the temporal ephemerae, to fight thereafter for those who were in true need of our services."

"The really epic battles that needed to be won," Asti said. "Not these petty border skirmishes, fighting for an inch or two of land, or the hand of a wench. Just those that would end oppression, free the enslaved and preserve the environment."

"That is so heroic of you!" Calypsa said, clasping her feathered hands in admiration. Ersatz looked pleased.

"Aye. Since we refused our services to settle petty border disputes, nor would raise shield against one another…"

"So to speak," Asti added.

"…the masters of the realm were forced to employ diplomacy. When we did step in, all could tell that the matter was serious. Our reputations alone caused many an uprising to be quelled on the rumor of our involvement, so less blood was shed than ever before. Peace reigned. The four rulers sat side by side on thrones in a grand palace constructed on the site of the vaulted hall. It was a golden time," Ersatz added, with a sigh. "We enjoyed a truly pleasing life for a time. We were much celebrated for our wisdom and generosity. A grand Treasury was constructed to hold us, where we could be consulted by the high and low alike. We posed for an artist, who created decks of cards bearing our likenesses, the Taro, because the cards themselves were made of the fiber of that ubiquitous root. Four suits, for we four treasures. They were used for divination as well as gambling, the first pasteboard oracle."

"I've seen those," Tananda said. "But I thought that the fourth suit consisted of coins. Shouldn't it be a picture of the Purse?"

Ersatz and Asti exchanged glances. The Cup hemmed, a little uneasily.

"Well, when you meet her you'll see that Chin-Hwag isn't very…"

"Photogenic," Kelsa supplied. "They won't say it, but I will. She's ugly. Talented, but ugly. It doesn't matter! It's what's inside that counts. That's what I always say!"

"As long as what's inside is gold coins, I don't care what she looks like," I said.

"Those were the very words of King Brotmo," Ersatz said. "He whose realm Odinsk stood to the north of Thorness. He bore the great spear into battle. His people were very poor, so the wealth given to them by Chin-Hwag by the grace of the Lords of Freyaburg eased the poverty there. He bore the great spear into battle against the Wlaflings, the wolf-kind who poured out of the hills and harried the Thornessians. Everyone helped one another."

"But Valhal was not content to be the home of only four treasures of renown. The four rulers sought to set themselves apart from the others. First there was the escalation of thrones. All the leaders tried to have the highest. It only ceased when the Lady of Heimdale actually fell out of hers and plunged sixty feet to her death."

"Hard luck," I said.

Ersatz grunted. "Hard, indeed, especially the landing. Then the richness of regalia. Then the size of retinue. Short-ages of space and resources became the cause for much infighting, and rules had to be reestablished as to how many attendants each monarch may have when he or she was in council with the other three. So, each secretly sent out messengers to attempt to find another epic treasure to add to the Hoard, who would wield more power in his or her name."

"More and more treasures were brought in. As soon as these came in contact with us, they awoke to knowledge of their power. Some of them we accepted into the Hoard. Others were not worthy to be in our company. In the end, only twelve of us were of sufficient quality. Much jealousy arose, as is to be expected, but we had to have standards of excellence. No one may rest upon his reputation alone, though as you may judge, good Aahz, it helps to stave off futile exercises if one's opponent is in awe of what he has heard."

"True," I said. "In our organization, M.Y.T.H., Inc., we had standards like that. It helps if there's general agreement that everyone who is there belongs there."

"Oh?" Asti asked. "So you had a fellowship. Not with this child, surely, but with the green wench. I can tell that you two know one another well. You do not always communicate with words."

"Yeah, we had an association," I said. "It was a damned fine one, too. When we had to, we could kick epic butt."

"Aye, mortals often believe that they can achieve fraternity as we did," Ersatz said, with a nostalgic sigh. "It was such a friendship as has never been seen in any time before or since. We were truly happy in one another's company. You don't know what it is like to be part of a group, each expert in its own field, respectful of one another's talents, able to defeat all comers, always knowing that one's back is defended as well as if one had been multiplied into an army."

"Sure, I do," I said. "Why, in M.Y.T.H. …"

"Oh, there's no mortal equivalent," Buirnie interrupted, dismissively. "Never has been, never could be. You couldn't possibly know what it is to be a member of a fellowship like ours. It was unique!"

"What the hell do you know about it?" I demanded. I was beginning to get an inferiority complex from the constant hammering from the eternal treasures of the Hoard. As if I didn't know what a fellowship was!

"Nor would your petty band have taken on missions that would change the future of an entire race," Asti said.

I am a patient man, but I was beginning to lose my temper. "You're out of your mind, sister. I'd have staked M.Y.T.H., Inc. against any bunch of adventurers in the land, mercenaries, legendary heroes, mortal or immortal — whatever you had, we had it better. What we do… did was vital! I remember a time when our gang teamed up to put an end to the gang war that was brewing in the Bazaar."

"Perhaps it was important as you mortals count it," Kelsa said, blinking at me. "But it wasn't important on a cosmic level, as our adventures were, dear."

"In your humble opinion," I snapped.

"I only tell the truth! I know all, see all!"

"Blow all," I said. "You're so terrific that you end up in flea markets and fortune teller's parlors. That's where the great Golden Hoard has gotten to, right?"

"Good Aahz, we have offended you," Ersatz said, apologetically. "Perhaps I will cease my narration. I have carried on nearly as long as that penny whistle over there."

"Hey, who are you calling a penny whistle?" Buirnie said. "I've never charged a penny for my music in my life! I do it all for love."

"No," Tananda said. "You're not offending us at all, Ersatz." She shot a reproving look at me, and drew a long finger down the blade. "I want to hear the rest. You're so good at telling stories."

Ersatz's eyes closed. He almost seemed to be purring. "You have your own magik, mistress, surely."

"Go on," she said, in a caressing voice. "So, how did you end up in the flea market?"

"Alas," Ersatz sighed. "Change of fortune, and change again. Ah, me, those were the days. While we were in Valhal, peace existed between us all. There is not much more to tell. Sadly, our Utopia was all temporary. So many of us could not exist in one another's company. Each of us must be supreme. The power we generated together began to build up. The first explosion destroyed the treasury, but left us all unscathed."

"Not the Drum, dear," Kelsa said. "His head was torn right across."

"But his frame remained sound. Heads are easily replaced. It was determined that we should be divided before we fractured the realm once again. The warning came too late. They had brought too many of us together. We began to argue about the best way to safeguard our realm. We could not agree. The power built and built. Looki, always a most observant man, attempted to warn the leaders of the four realms to depart before a disaster came. They wouldn't listen. None would depart and leave the field to the others, or so they perceived. Such thinking proved to be catastrophic."

"The explosion, when it came, blew up the entire dimension of Valhal," Asti said. "It killed everyone, and scattered us all to the four winds. We turned up in some of the most unexpected places. When the dust settled, I was in a housewares display in a department store in Imper."

"I was the aggie in a game of marbles on Titania," Kelsa said. "Most exciting!"

"I blew right into the hands of a jazz musician in Nola," Buirnie said. "My first taste of stardom!"

"And I was cutting salamis in Trollia," Ersatz said, heavily. "I have sought for traces of our long-ago home, but it seems to have been severed from the dimensions, if it exists at all."

"Well, we were better than that," I said smugly. "I mean, we never blew up a whole dimension."

"If you are so superior," Asti said, "then why are you not together any longer?"

Ersatz answered before I could blow up.

"It seems that there are flaws in all of us. Since then, I have put myself into the hands of those who are about to fight epic battles. How about your fellowship?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I said. "It's gone now. Maybe good things aren't meant to last forever."

"Nonsense," Asti said. "Look at us! We ARE meant to last forever. Durable, that's the way it ought to be. We seldom come together, but we are never really apart."

I felt a pang. I resented it.

"I don't believe that is to what he refers, Asti," Ersatz said, sternly.

"How do you know what he is talking about? Your authoritarianism just twists my stem sometimes," the Cup said, rolling her rubies scornfully.

"He and his companions may have aspired to such a fellowship as ours."

"Oh, please, don't try to convince me he is anything but a greedy egotist."

"All right," I snarled, "I won't."

"I wrote a song about us," Buirnie said, interrupting the argument with one final attempt either to make peace or show off, I wasn't sure which. "Now that you know the backstory, it will be much more interesting. 'Once upon a time there was a Hoard…'"

"NO!" I bellowed. The ground almost shook at the sound of my voice. Buirnie looked taken aback.

"A simple 'thanks but no thanks' would have done the trick," he said, reproachfully.

"I know your company must have been special to you," Calypsa said. "But Ersatz has lived so many thousands of years, and done so many important things. I know you must feel small next to the Hoard. I know that I do."

"Child, never lose your sense of self worth," the Sword said, kindly. "Your adventure is just beginning. Someday you will realize that meeting us is the most important thing that will ever happen to you."

I opened my mouth, then snapped it shut. I realized I was never going to be able to convince them of the quality of what I'd had and lost. Tananda gave me a sympathetic look and a gesture to let it go. Well, if she could, I could. Let it never be said that I let my memories affect my mood.

"Look," I said. "There's someone we can ask for directions."