Myth-Gotten Gains

Chapter 14

"STICK WITH ME!" Buirnie exclaimed, as we made our way down the teeming streets. Customers from every race in every dimension walked in and out of the brightly-colored buildings. Many of them had that world-weary look of the hardcore gambler, but most of them wore a look of open astonishment at the attractions on offer: dancers, gambling, stage show extravaganzas, you name it. It was like a Bazaar for the entertainment industry. It was night in Vaygus, but, then, it had always seemed to be night when I had visited there in the past. Flick, the Flute's spotlight, turned an actinic glare on us that lit us better than the road under our feet. I kept bumping into people who were blinded by the light. "I know this place like the back of my hand." Zildie, the snare drum, rolled out a rim shot.

"You don't have any hands," Calypsa said, looking confused. Ersatz was on her back with a cloth hiding everything except his eyes. The local laws against carrying weapons, especially potent magikal ones, were pretty strict, as they would be anywhere there was a lot of money changing hands. I figured we wouldn't be stopped. Law enforcement always had too much to do around here with real crime, as drunks staggered out of the hotels with money from the tables. In any case, he was wearing a disguise spell that made him look like a set of glitter-covered twirling batons. Nobody would steal those. The other Hoard members were similarly disguised, except Buirnie. I figured there was no harm in carrying a musical instrument. In any case, there was no way to disguise his entourage.

"Well, if I had a hand, I'd know it as well as I know Vaygus," the Flute confided. "Look around you! It's a wonder of magik and technology! I had a theater here for ten years, right up the street, over there. Full orchestra, show girls, the works!"

"Seems like a great life," Tananda said. "Why'd you give it up?"

"Well, a war started, the One-Armed Bandits versus the Crap-Shooters. It got ugly, I can tell you! The Bandits enlisted me on their side. I thought they fought a little cleaner. I wrote them some pretty terrific war music! It was a lengthy battle. We practically lost our sponsors, it took so long. At least twelve seasons, with summer reruns. We won, of course, and peace was restored, but there was terrible damage. The Strip was stripped bare, not that stripping doesn't still go on." The emeralds rolled from side to side roguishly. Tananda laughed. Calypsa just looked confused, as usual.

We strode down the broad avenue. According to Kelsa's directions, we were looking for the lion's Head Casino. I was in a bad mood. This wizard Froome obviously didn't want to let go of his Hoard treasure, and who could blame him? I don't know why I didn't just blow out of there. It was a nice evening. You could hear the ka-ching! of the gambling machines over the cacophony of voices and music. I liked visiting Vaygus once in a while. The brilliant orange bulk of the Fountainshow Casino, ablaze in its own spotlights, lay just across the street. I could go in there, ask the maitre d' for my usual table next to the stage in the Gambler's Theater, and lay back. Hot-and-cold running babes danced by in skimpy outfits, and the drinks were served in Pervect-sized containers, as long as you kept on rolling the dice. I could almost feel the stack of chips in my hand. I bet that Barrik would be happy with the four we had. He probably doubted that Calypsa would ever come back with one, let alone within the deadline. But, no, we have to chase a recalcitrant wizard toting an oversized gazetteer through the Million Gambler March.

"How do we keep Froome from blowing out of town before we catch up with him again?" I asked Kelsa.

"At the moment he doesn't know that we're here," Kelsa said, beaming up at me from Tananda's shoulder bag. She'd been disguised as a large goldfish in a bowl, but nothing could conceal the diamante glasses. "He's very relieved to have gotten away before our arrival. My goodness, I love doing these up-to-the-minute bulletins!"

"Well, look a little further ahead," I said. "I want to know where we get the Book, not just what he is thinking at this moment. Use your talent."

"I predict…" the eyes swam in the depths of the glossy orb. "I predict that he will not be able to escape you once you are…surrounded by…his kind…" She blinked, and her face came back into focus. "Did I say anything interesting?"

"His kind?" Tananda asked. "Are there any other Pikinise here?"

"Oh, of course! There's Malkin, from Brumtown, and the entire Skruse family…"

"Not that kind," I said, snapping my fingers. "He's at the Magicians' Club."

"Why there?" Tanda asked.

"Where else? It's the one place where nobody will ask awkward questions. He's hauling a huge book with a solid gold cover. This city is full of pickpockets and muggers. There's security out the wazoo inside the casinos, but anything that happens outside is no one's business. Nobody wants to know if you got rolled or mugged or grifted. It's bad for publicity. Whatever happens to you in Vaygus will be disavowed by the secretary, the mayor, the police and the press. The club the perfect place where a big-time magik item like the Book will be safe."

"That sounds like sense, good Aahz," Ersatz said.

Even Asti couldn't find anything sarcastic to say. I smirked.

"Of course it does. Let's go."

I felt smug as I headed down the strip with the others in my wake. It felt good to be in charge again.

"Are you sure you don't want a guided tour while you're here?" Buirnie piped up, desperate to regain leadership of the group. "I know absolutely everyone! I can get us in backstage to all the shows! The city council owes me a bunch of favors for writing theme songs for their advertisements."

"Maybe another time," I said, pulling a step or two ahead of Calypsa to get away from his voice. "In case you have forgotten, we're on a time limit."

"You are useless here, Buirnie," Ersatz said. "As you are everywhere."

"Me?" the Flute squealed, making everyone within fifteen feet clap their hands to their ears. "What about a sword? How many showgirls and gamblers do you think we will need to slay in pursuit of the wizard who has Payge?"

"Don't waste your time," Asti said. She looked like a tin camping canteen in a canvas case, nothing worth stealing, a lowly disguise that made her cranky. "Let the mortal try and earn his keep. He's done little enough so far."

I shook her container. "Listen, sister, I'd trade you in for a leaky bucket if the kid here didn't want to keep you. In fact, I might just sling you out in the desert for a while. Let a bunch of thirsty camels play kick the can with you."

"You wouldn't!"

"He might," Tananda said sweetly, with a wink at me. "You know what Pervects are like."

"Perverts!" Asti exclaimed in alarm.

Calypsa looked from the Sword to the Cup. "I think Aahz and Tananda are doing a fine job," she said. "I would never have found all of you without them. Especially not so swiftly. You must have served with some very impressive heroes if everyone was able to do things more efficiently than they!"

I preened. "All in a day's work, kid," I said. Maybe I was teaching her something after all, in spite of my refusal to undertake her formal education. At least she appreciated me.

I strode on with a spring in my step.

"Hmmph!" the Goblet snorted. "Laying balm on wounded nerves is usually my task."

The Magicians' Club didn't advertise its presence. By their nature, the shows in Vaygus used a lot of magikal practitio-ners, everything from illusionists to major transformers, using every gizmo from trick cabinets up to complex special effects that would make motion picture producers wet themselves in envy. It was a great place to kick back in between shows and complain about the casino bosses and the customers, without a chance that anything one said would ever be heard by another living creature. The place was shielded with some of the most sophisticated spells out there, plus a few guardian critters like dragons and weresnakes that had a taste for trespassers.

I had joined the club on my first visit, years ago when I was fresh out of school. I had a membership card and a signet ring, neither of them with me, and I'd sworn the oath of secrecy which said, among other things, that we were never to reveal the secrets of our brother and sister magicians. That promise often concealed the fact that half the magikal workings in Vaygus weren't magik at all, but complex technical effects that a Klahd could do with one finger up his nose and the other on a button. The best thing about the club was the professional seminars. Presentation was everything, so they taught a lot about showmanship. I'd done a series of lectures myself here, years back. I knew the other guys would be glad to see me. They ought to help me deal with our runaway wizard.

The building was down a surprisingly dark alley in between two of the biggest theaters. Klik was the only light for a hundred yards in any direction. I sidled up to the well-concealed doorway and gave the membership knock.

Rap rap rap, dadadadada, rap rap rap. Boom boom boom. Rap rap rap rap rap. Tap tap!

A round porthole appeared in the center of the door. "Who seeks admittance?" asked a hoarse voice.

"A fellow seeker," I replied.

"By what right do you seek admittance here?" the voice continued.

"By common interests and brotherhood," I said. "Look, can we skip the rest of the litany? I don't have twenty minutes to waste tonight."

The voice got haughty. "We have standards to maintain! To continue' what brought you to this place?"

It was question three of fifty-one. I sighed. "The search for wisdom."

"…And what is the name of the seeker who seeks admittance, under the bylaws and statutes of this august institution?" the voice finally asked, almost an hour later. The others had waited behind me, out of earshot, since the whole password thing was supposed to be a secret. I could hear Asti and Buirnie giggling. I had felt that humiliated in my life, but not recently. I gritted out the last answer.

"Aahz. Aahzmandius. Now, open the damned door already!"

"Aahzmandius…let me check the records. Yes, membership dues paid up to date. Come in, seeker, and be welcome!"

The eye slot slammed shut. I stood back. Most of the wall opened up to reveal double doors of solid gold inlaid with impressive jade sigils. Most of them were jokes that only other magicians would get, like the one on my left as I strode in that said, "Eat at Joe's," in a remote, ancient dialect of Imp. Another was a complex recipe for seaweed stew.

As I entered, two scantily-clad females in pink and blue sequins flanking the doorway threw up their gloved hands and posed.

"Ta-daaaaa!" they chorused.

Tananda pussyfooted her way inside, as one who always felt at ease no matter where she was, but Calypsa was open-beaked, gawking at everything like the most backwoods country rube.

I had to admit that the place had its impressive elements. Illusions of trapeze artists swung around the chandeliered ceiling in between the triple images of fire-breathing dragons. I realized I was wrong — the one in the middle really was a dragon, part of the club's security system, since even advanced magicians generally needed a specialized control device to keep from getting eaten by a dragon that they had not personally impressed. This one, a brick-colored monstrosity with five heads, clung to a protruberance like an upside-down Christmas tree. It lowered one head to sniff at us as we came in. I signed to the others to hold still for the pat-down as the monster nose ran us up one side and down the other. Fortunately, I had encountered this one before. Dragons never forgot a scent, of people to whom they were indifferent, and people they hated. They rarely, if ever, liked a nondragon. Gleep, Skeeve's smelly pest — I mean, pet — was a notable exception. Tananda winked at it as it drew away, which startled it into letting out a puff of sulfur-scented smoke.

I felt right at home. Magicians from a hundred dimensions hung out there alone or in small groups, absorbing alcohol and other intoxicants. Just to my right, one stout Kobold was demonstrating to a goggle-eyed Vulpine how to breathe out a stream of fire. Beyond them, a big group of Imp magicians in gaudy outfits only Imps would think were stylish were engaged in a loud discussion about cabinets. Same old, same old.

"Bar's over there," said the haughty voice, only minimally warmer. It turned out to be coming from a sawed-off little squirt of a guy with a long, thin nose and large, limpid eyes. "We had to move it from the original location while the new library was being installed. Half the books kept absorbing the alcohol. Although you can still have a drink in there. Some of the members need it while they're reading."

"Thanks," I said. "Say, can you tell me if one of my buddies came in in the last couple of hours? He's a Pikinise. He's got a book he said I could borrow."

"Oh, him! Yes, he's in the library." Squirt pointed us toward the huge oil painting of a room full of leather-bound books on carved wooden shelves. It was a magikal illusion that covered the doorway. Another couple of stage assistants stood by to acclaim anyone who came or went through it. "Guy sure can drink. Not much for talking."

"Thanks." I started in the direction he indicated.

"Come on," I said to Tananda and Calypsa. "The library's filled with tall shelves. We can surround him and sneak up on him."

"I fear not, good Aahz," Ersatz whispered to me from inside his illusory disguise as a set of twirling batons. "I can sense Payge, therefore he can sense us. He may alert Froome. We must hurry."

"Right." I sauntered faster. "Move it."

Five feet from the oil painting, we bounced off an invisible barrier. I shoved at it, but it seemed to stretch out in every direction. I stormed back to the concierge's desk.

"What's the idea?" I demanded.

"Sorry," Squirt said. He blinked at us. "Are your two very fetching assistants fully qualified magicians? Because if they're not, they can't go in. Sorry for the inconvenience, ladies. Rules of the house. You know that. Chapter 18 of the Magicians' Club Guidelines and Grimoire."

I shrugged to the others. That caveat had slipped my mind. The big reception room and the bar were the only parts of the club that strangers, that was to say, nonmembers, could enter. Which was a shame, since it was a pretty interesting building, with its own handsomely-appointed, plush theater for club-only performances where magicians tried out their new acts for one another, private rooms for banquets and business meetings, repair facilities for magikal items, a wine cellar that would astonish maitre d's at the hotels around us.

"That's all right," Tananda said, sauntering toward the deep, velvet-covered couches and divans that were arranged in cosy conversation groups all over the vast room. "We'll just make ourselves comfortable."

"Say, Bub," I said, drawing the sawn-off doorwarden aside. "Is there any way I could arrange for a private conference with my friend in there? I don't want to disturb anyone else, but we've got to have a major professional conversation."

The Squirt eyed me. "You know the rules about ruining the decor. No incendiary magik, no summoning elementals, no ordnance except what's specified in the Magus Convention."

I held up an innocent palm. "If anyone rips the wallpaper, it isn't going to be me," I promised him.

"All right. I'll have a word with the others and see if they'll give you a little privacy. Come with me."

I trailed him to the library door. He stepped through and turned to give me a harried look.

"Well? I haven't got all night."

I rammed into the invisible barrier. I pounded on it with my palms, then my fists. It didn't make a sound, but I couldn't move any farther forward. "What the hell is going on here? I'm a member in good standing."

"Hmmm." The Squirt came over to me, then held up his palms and walked all the way around me. He frowned. He did the hand test again. Then he beckoned. From amidst the trapeze show on the ceiling swooped a gray-skinned, winged and fanged hulk in a tuxedo. I recognized him as Savona, a Scourge, denizen of a dimension I didn't visit very often, partly because the locals make me think of vampires on steroids. Villagers with torches and pitchforks don't run after them, they run away. Scourges were very long-lived, very smart, and very tough. The Club had employed them for millenia. I suspected that the current employees might even be the originals. They have senses not unlike those of bats, including hearing that make Pervects seem as deaf as elderly Klahds. If you whisper a drink order anywhere in the club, the Scourge behind the bar will make it for you and send it to your table on a wisp of force. They believe in good service, but they still give me the creeps. Having one show up when you aren't expecting him is a good way to get a cardiovascular workout while sitting down.

"How may I serve, Mr. Polka?" this one asked, very politely.

"Test him, Mr. Savona," the Squirt said.

The Scourge's left eyebrow went up. "But, this is Mr. Aahzmandius."

"That's what he says. Test him. Something's wrong. Why can't he go through the members-only barrier?"

Savona fixed his gaze upon me. The large black eyes seemed as though they were looking right through to my backbone. He lowered his voice.

"Mr. Aahzmandius can't pass the barrier because his ties to the force lines are broken."

"He has no magik?" Polka asked. "Then, why did the main door let him through? Even if a stranger answers all the questions, it doesn't mean the portal recognizes him."

"He is carrying a very powerful magik item in the bag over his shoulder," Savona said, aiming a talon-like fingernail at Asti's bag. "No doubt the door thought it was coming from him. The same for the ladies in his company." He bowed to Tananda and Calypsa. Tanda wiggled a couple of fingers at him and smiled invitingly. Savona's complexion turned a deeper gray. Even Scourges weren't immune to Trollops' charms.

"Items? What kind of items?"

"All right!" I said, slapping Polka heartily on the back. "You got me! It worked!"

"What worked?" Polka asked, his little face wrinkling in concentration.

I leaned forward confidentially. "The board of directors didn't want it known yet, but they wanted to check the security systems here in the club to make sure they are working. They've sent in several other members over the last month — maybe you've noticed a few of them? They seem perfectly normal, but there's something a little off about them?"

Polka looked astonished, but Savona cleared his throat gently. "Like the Deveel that had been multiplied into triplets? He only had one membership card, but he requested admission for all three of his simulacra, sir."

"I remember. We let him in. I wasn't happy about it, but his was the face on the card. However, we did not allow him to buy three drinks for the price of one."

"Yes, that's right," I said. "You handled that one just right, too."

Polka frowned.

"So let me get this straight — you let the Board remove your powers temporarily so you could trigger the 'members-only' barriers?"

"Yup. And to see if I could get you to let me into the rest of the club premises even though I don't qualify." I laughed heartily. "But you stuck to procedure. They're gonna be really pleased with you, lemme tell you!"

Polka looked horrified. "Why would anyone do that? Leaving yourself…helpless!"

"Well," I said, looking modest. "Sometimes you've just got to take one for the club, you know? Rule 46: a member must keep the well-being of his fellows uppermost in his mind at all times."

"That's Rule 47," Polka said, "peevishly."

Savona cleared his throat again. The soft sound had menace behind it. His fangs gleamed.

"He's lying, Mr. Polka."

"No, I'm not," I said, heartily. "I'm just a good guy helping out."

"This is the first that I have heard of a test of the security system. I have been in charge of that department for 1,043 years. The Board has never shown any signs of being discontented with my work or that of my colleagues. There have been no significant breaches that would provoke them to undertake such a test. I believe he must have lost his powers under some other circumstances. I am afraid, though, that such a loss does constitute grounds for dismissal from the membership."

"Hold it, hold it!" I said. "I'm still a magician. Of course. It takes more than power to qualify. You know that. There's prestidigitation, misdirection, illusion, none of which requires magik."

"That's very true." Polka snapped his fingers, and a pink sequined top hat appeared in his hands. He thrust it at me. "If you are still a magician, then pull a rabbit out of this hat."

Now, everyone was looking. Tananda started to make motions. She was going to try and raise a rabbit for me behind everyone's back. Of all the gin joints in every dimension, this was the wrong one. Everyone in the lounge turned to stare at her.

"Yipe!"

Savona aimed a talon, and she and Calypsa were both wrapped up in a cocoon of ribbons from shoulder to hip.

"I am terribly sorry," he said. "No outside interference is permitted. Pray proceed."

I was on my own.

"Well?" Polka asked. I grinned painfully.

"C'mon, I don't do rabbits," I said. "That's small-time stuff."

"Small-time?" A tall, thin, blue-skinned magician rose up in indignation. He was about three feet taller than I was. He loomed down at me. "Pulling rabbits from hats small-time? I'll have you know I have wowed them at the Borean Palace for over fifty years with rabbits!"

"Look, I'm not trying to offend you," I said, reaching up with some difficulty to slap the Bore on the back. "I'm just into bigger effects, that's all."

"Then produce one," Polka said. "Not with the help of your assistants. Not with the help of those fancy gizmos you have with you. Just you. Wow us."

I'm famous for thinking on my feet, but there's times when not even slick talking will help.

"Look," I said, leaning closer to the Squirt and grinning companionably. He leaned away. "You wouldn't embarrass an old member, would you? Down on his luck, and all. I'll get 'em back one of these days. In fact, that's what I came to talk to my buddy about' restoring my powers. You wouldn't want to get in the way of that? I've been a member in good standing for decades. Don't I get a little leeway?"

"Well…" Polka's expression softened slightly, but Savona's didn't.

"I would like to point out that the monitors have detected the character of the items concealed about the persons of Mr. Aahzmandius and his colleagues. They are Prohibited, sir."

Even I could hear the capital P. By now we were attracting attention. I tried jollying him. "It's just part of the test, Savona. C'mon."

"I am very sorry, sir, but there are no bylaws under which \ou may carry into these premises either a magikal sword, especially not one of such intrinsic power…"

"A sword?" Polka squeaked, but Savona wasn't finished.

"…or a device for prognostication. In fact, the latter would be banned anywhere in the city. It could predict the outcome of bets, possibly resulting in the loss of millions at the tables. The accuracy readings are off the charts."

"Hmm," I said. "I never thought of that." Kelsa might have some uses after all. But Polka wasn't up for speculation.

"Where is it?" he asked, shaking with rage.

Savona pointed at Tananda. "That young lady has it in her possession. She is the architect of an illusion spell that is keeping the normal appearance of all the items concealed."

"You were planning to cheat the casinos?" Polka demanded, breasting up to me. "Using the club as a base? That's outrageous!"

"No, that's not why we're here," I protested. "Look, all I want to do is talk to my friend in the library, okay?"

"We only have your word on that, sir," the enormous Scourge said. He lowered the crossbow so the point of the quarrel was aimed directly between my eyes.

"I am afraid, Mr. Aahzmandius," Polka said, with dignity, "that I must ask you to leave."

"Leave?" I said, desperately looking at the library door.

Behind it, the Book was waiting. If I could just… reach… it…

I shouldered into the invisible barrier again. "Why should I leave? I belong here!"

"Well, you're not a member any longer, not until you regain your powers, since they were the source of your qualifications. Otherwise you would not have gained access, you know. Where's your membership card?"

The entire room was definitely looking at me now. I mumbled, "Deva."

The Squirt clapped his hands together, and a rectangular waller card suddenly lay in his outstretched palm. The fancy Magicians' Club logo was embossed in baby blue on the left. My moving picture had been applied to the right half, over my signature. The youthful me in the image was grinning like an idiot. The mouth was moving. I had been talking to the magician taking the magikal photo. I snarled at that callow youngster, who couldn't do a damned thing to help. Polka tsk-tsked. He flicked his other fingers at the card, and it burst into flames. The Pervect in the picture yelled silently, then crumbled into ashes.

"You can't do that to me!" I bellowed.

"It is my duty," Polka said. He didn't have to look so pleased about it. "You have broken several of our bylaws. You have committed fraudulent use of membership, failing to inform the committee about a change of circumstances, carrying prohibited magikal items into the club, attempted assault of another member, and finally, disturbing the calm of the Magicians' Club, which has been famous as an oasis of peace and quiet for our brethren and sisteren for over seven thousand years! See him out, Mr. Savona," the Squirt concluded, with a majestic wave of his skinny little hand. "If they try to get back in, you have my permission to use scorn as well as deadly force."

"Hey, wait a minute!" I said.

"I'm afraid I must fling you out into the street, Mr. Aahzmandius," Savona said, with what looked like genuine regret. I tried to sidestep him, but it's not easy to get out of the reach of a guy with wings. In a flutter, he had the back of my neck clamped with his talons, and my right arm bent up behind my back.

"No, you don't," I said, trying to get out of his grasp, as he propelled me inexorably toward the front door. "C'mon, you don't have to make it look so real. Check with the Board. They'll tell you…"

"Ta-daaaaa!" sang the stage assistants, arms up, as the door whisked open.

By that time I was airborne. I landed about thirty feet down the alley. Two pairs of feet appeared before my eyes as I was picking myself up.

"What happened to the ribbons?" I growled up at Tananda and Calypsa.

"Savona cut them off," Tananda said, with a little smile. She gave me a hand and heaved. I popped up. Sometimes I forget how strong she is. "With one swipe of that talon! I like a man who has a decent manicure. He gave me his number. We've got a date if I ever get back this way again."