Myth-Gotten Gains

Chapter 18

"ALMS, MISTER, ALMS!" Another one of the skinny, ruddy, toadlike people grabbed for my ankle. He was wearing only a loincloth and a headcloth. His bulgy eyes rolled up at me appealingly. I growled.

"Just kick him off," Kelsa advised. "They expect it."

I had already done so.

"I don't need you to tell me that." I looked around me. "What a dump."

The city of Sri Port, largest population center in the dimension of Toa, stretched out in all directions except up. Most of the mud-and-straw buildings, once painted in bright colors and now faded by the sun, were less than three stories, and most of them were in conditions so wretched that no one would want to live in them unless they had absolutely no choice. From the look of the locals, they had no choice. I couldn't estimate the population, but I had to guess it was in the millions or tens of millions of hairless, froglike individuals, who shared their homes with skinny ruminants that chewed on the weeds that grew in the mud. Sri Port looked like the summer home of at least two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The sun beat down through a haze of humidity thick enough to swim in. I glanced back at Calypsa, who was picking her way daintily through the piles of garbage, dung and broken bricks that obstructed the narrow path between buildings. Behind her, Tananda kept an eye on anyone who might be following us. She was fondling the blade of a knife with a deliberate thumb. The Toadies standing in doorways or stumping through the narrow alleyways glanced at her and hastily away again. I grinned. She could look plenty formidable when she chose.

Strings of laundry swung over our head, flapping in the hot breeze. Noise battered at our eardrums, smells clawed at our nostrils, and the locals bumped into us at every possible turning. The streets and alleyways were far too narrow for the crowds. Following Kelsa's directions, I led the way, shouldering through locals arguing with one another, bargaining, wooing, bullying, child-disciplining, praying, playing, begging, gossiping, and more bargaining.

Allowing for the difference in the physical form of the locals, Sri Port looked precisely like the Bazaar at Deva, if you sucked out all of the money from the latter.

"A donation, good sir, a donation for the poor and blind child of leprous drunkard!" A skinny, purple, clawlike hand reached up to me from a collection of filthy rags.

"He's lying," Kelsa said, cheerfully. "He's not blind, of course, and neither parent has leprosy. Actually, his mother has a degree in dental hygenics from the University of Sri Port, but they are having trouble keeping up with the mortgage on their little apartment. No cost of living increase this year, or for the last three years, for that matter. The dentist can't afford to give her one. He's having trouble with HIS mortgage, by the way. Shagul, here, begs after school, but he really should be home doing his book report. It's due tomorrow morning."

A pair of goggling eyes glared hatred out of the folds of cloth. "The curse of the Thousand Gods be upon you!"

"Go do your homework," I snarled, lunging toward him. He crabwalked hastily backwards away from me, scrambled to his feet, and ran.

"Now, this one is poor," Kelsa went on, as we walked by a female dressed in a swathe of patched but clean cloth. "You've got a small silver piece in your purse. Drop it on the melon-seller's wagon as we go by. She'll pick it up."

I didn't like having anyone dictate what I did with my money, and I'd spent plenty already in the service of the Golden Hoard. Besides, I already had a coin in my hand I'd been planning to drop in the shabby female's way. I'm not a total miser, no matter what you might have heard about me before. I brushed my hand over the rail of the cart, leaving the donation on the splintery plank. I didn't look behind me, and I wouldn't meet Tananda's eye. I could tell she was grinning. I cursed all magikal treasures and Trollops.

"This is it!" Kelsa announced, as we shoved through the throng into yet another crumbling city square. The buildings here were just as dilapidated as the others, but the people here, by and large, were smiling. A lot of them squatted in the dirt in front of a low, more-or-less whitewashed building with big holes in the walls and a holey pink curtain for a door. "That's the place."

"You could buy the whole house for a Devan nickel," Tananda said, letting out a low whistle.

"The Purse is there?" Calypsa asked, in disbelief. "The source of unending wealth is in that hovel?"

"That's what we're going to find out," I said. "Either the person who's got it doesn't know how to use it, or it's a fake. We've got to check it out."

Tananda grabbed my arm. "Aahz, if that's their source of income, we can't just march in there and take it away from them. Look at the condition of this city!"

"I'll make up my mind when I see it. Come on."

When we started to cross the square, the Toadies hanging out in front of the white building sprang up. Three of the biggest breasted up to us. They stood maybe as high as my collar bone.

"Who do you think you are? We were here first! Wait your turn!"

"Who do you think YOU are?" I demanded. "I'm a peaceable kind of guy, so get out of my way before I stomp you into the dirt!"

"Please, please," a low, musical voice said from the doorway. "No fighting here! This is a place of peace. Raniti, how rude you are! Can't you see that these are guests? All who come here are welcome."

The crowd, which had clearly been spoiling for a good fight, all settled down into their crouches once again, grumbling under their breath. The speaker came out and took my hand. She was a very short, very wrinkled, old Toady in a swath of much-mended cloth and a head veil. She didn't seem particularly special to look at, with an unusually wide mouth and a flat nose, but there was fire in those bulgy eyes. I was impressed in spite of myself.

"Come in, come in," she said. "I am Sister Hylida, abbess of the Toa Ddhole Mission. Welcome, welcome!" She gestured toward the door.

There seemed to be as much deconstructed architecture inside as out, but it was arranged better. Two bricks propped up a vase with a broken foot. A shrine at one end had been put together out of pieces of carved marble, detritus from a number of different temples, each with its own idea of ornamentation.

"Ugh, what a stench! They're using dung fires," Calypsa said, in a low voice.

"I think it's the food," Tananda whispered back.

"Reminds me of Pervish cooking," I said. The smell was making me hungry.

A couple of skinny Toadies in loincloths hurried to spread out a few straw mats over the packed dirt floor for us to sit on.

"May I offer you cool water and a cloth to wash your hands?" Sister Hylida asked. The toadies hurried over with a chipped ewer and mismatched clay cups. I held mine in both hands, keenly aware of the solid gold, gem encrusted, magikal goblet in the custom-made carrying case next to me on the mat.

The toadies hunkered down near the far wall as Sister Hylida squatted down with us. I heard curious whispers and giggles, and realized that faces were peering in the door and through the holes in the wall.

"Our business is private," I said.

"You will find that privacy is rare here," Hylida said. "But we can try to find some." She waved away the eavesdroppers with a little smile. The faces behind the wall retreated a few feet. I hoped they didn't have as keen hearing as Pervects did.

She glanced at the sword lying half-sheathed across Calypsa's knees. "You won't need that here. What a beautiful weapon it is, though."

Pervects are not normally concerned with the concept of 'an embarrassment of riches.' I don't usually have quibbles with who owns what. If I want something that belongs to someone else, sooner or later I'll figure out a way to get it. But this entire city seemed to be dirt poor, and here we had come clanking in with enough wealth to buy the whole place, mineral rights and all, looking for probably the only thing of value remaining. I felt like a rat as I cleared my throat.

"Look, we're not from around here," I began. "We're on a mission…"

"You are? Blessings be upon you from the Thousand Gods!" The little sister jumped up from her cloth and ran to the altar. She lit a stick of incense at the small tin brazier and stuck it in a dish full of sand in front of a tattered poster containing a myriad of images, no doubt her thousand gods, and chanted a tuneless wail that went up and down the scales like a cat's love song. Two of the acolytes ran in and began shaking sistrums and banging tambourines. My eardrums twisted at the noise. Hylida concluded her prayer and sat down again. "I am so happy to hear that. Most outworlders who find their way here are lost. How may I serve you upon this mission?"

It was an unmistakable opening, but I couldn't take it. I opened my mouth. Nothing came out.

Ersatz jumped in. "My good friend Aahz wishes to tell you that he requires you to give us the Purse of Endless Wealth, which we judge to be in your possession. That is the sum of our task in this place."

"How can you just blurt that out?" Tananda asked him. The steel-gray eyes rolled toward her on the visible portion of the blade.

"It is the next step in our task to save Calypsa's grandfather, is it not?" Ersatz asked, reasonably. "Mistress Hylida asked us, and since friend Aahz appears to be tongue-tied, I have taken the step of saying the words for him. That is what you wish, isn't it?"

"Not very subtle, are you?"

"Subtlety wastes time," Ersatz said, unperturbed. The eyes turned to our hostess. "Well, mistress? Do we seek the Purse here in vain?"

Hylida clapped her hands. "I have seen a wonder today! A sword that talks! Is that your request, green-scaled one?"

I felt doubly stupid, now. "Uh…yeah. That is it."

"Then I am happy to tell you you have succeeded! Chin-Hwag is here."

"Oh, yes, Aahz," Kelsa said. "I told you I saw her. Would I lie?"

"Lie, no," Asti said, exasperatedly. "Be mistaken, constantly."

"I always see true! Much better than someone who poisons people by accident!"

"If you don't mind," the Book said, aheming for attention, "but I have a record of all of your errors over the centuries…"

"More wonders!" Hylida said, happily. "A Book that talks! Brothers and sisters, we must celebrate!"

The Toadies jumped up again, and began dancing, more vigorously than before. The people outside rose and started shouting. They banged pots and pans together, shook mara-cas, and danced all around the square.

Bam! Boom! Zing! Bom!

"Stop it!" I shouted. No one paid any attention to me.

"Hey, this is fun!" Buirnie said, through his little window. "Mind if I join in? Zildie, from the top! A-one, a-two, a-three…"

The spotlight hit his case. The nimble leg of the drum flicked it open, and the Flute joined in the chanting on the backbeat. The people stared at the solid-gold Fife for one moment, then accepted it as yet another miracle to celebrate. He led them in singing a rondo with a catchy rhythm. I sat with my arms folded, waiting for it all to blow over, but Calypsa started to get into it. She sprang up and started to dance, kicking and twirling. The locals grabbed her hands and swung her into their circle. The noise reached epic levels.

"Enough, already!" I bellowed.

Buirnie's playing died away with a whine.

The crowd paused to stare at me.

I glared at Sister Hylida. "If this is what you call private, then I want to see what you call an open town meeting!"

"Oh, it is an event of even greater enjoyment," the Toady nun said. She signed to her people to sit down. They groaned their disappointment, but they sat. Buirnie glared at me from underneath his spotlight. "But you were asking about Chin-Hwag. She has been my companion for several years now, and a great help to me in my mission. We help the poor and serve the hungry here. You see?"

She waved toward another ragged curtain. Beyond it was a room larger than the one we sat in. Several Toadies stirred huge, dented kettles over glowing embers. Steam rose from the pots. The aroma we had noticed on the way in came from there.

"We share good fortune as well as bad here," Hylida said, placidly. "But do not worry. No one will speak of what they see and hear in this place."

I didn't believe that, but I didn't have time to argue. We had business to accomplish and a road to hit. I cleared my throat.

"Abbess, we want to be fair. What will you take for the Purse?"

At my question, protests rose from the Toadies squatting in the house and outside the broken walls.

"Sell Chin-Hwag? I could never sell her!" Sister Hylida rose and removed a slab of plaster from the wall next to the altar. Behind it was a small alcove. I nodded approval. It would be hidden from potential thieves — who would suspect that the greatest fortune in any dimension might be concealed in those crumbling walls? — but easy to grab if the sister had to evacuate her soup-kitchen in a hurry. "You must see her, of course. Here she is."

I expected a kind of shapeless bag, but the Endless Purse of Money was an inch-thick octagon of leather about six inches across, stitched together from strips of a very smooth hide that had been dyed ochre. A good deal of the surface was covered with silk embroidery so fine that it would take a magnifying glass to admire the detail. It wasn't pretty, but it was intricate. I realized that it was studying me as keenly as I was studying it. Just like the other treasures, Chin-Hwag's intelligence was out there where anyone could see it. A couple of embroidered horizontal ovals above the pull-strings around the mouth narrowed, and the purse-strings moved.

"By all that jingles, a Pervert! You keep your scaly hands off me, greenboy!"

Hylida looked scandalized.

"Watch your language, Chin-Hwag, he is a visitor!"

The embroidered eyes shifted.

"I can see what he is a member of one of the greediest races in all the dimensions, after Deveels and a few other born felons. Find out what he wants, then send him away, swiftly."

"You misunderstand him," Calypsa said. "Aahz is most kindly helping me. He has no thoughts of wealth on his own behalf."

"Oh, don't listen to her," Asti interrupted. "He is out for money."

"Only what he is owed, by a debt of honor which I incurred," Ersatz said. "On behalf of our employer, whom you will come to know as a worthy being."

"Thanks a lot," I said.

The embroidered eyes moved around. "By clink and clank, Ersatz! I thought I felt my insides twisting! How many of you are here?"

"Five of us," Kelsa said. "Almost all of us who still exist."

"How peculiar and unwelcome a notion!" Chin-Hwag said.

"That is not very charitable," Sister Hylida said, shaking a finger at the Purse. The embroidered eyes turned toward her.

"You are not worldly, Hylida. You don't know what these other objects are like," Chin-Hwag said, the mouth drawing tighter. "In a crisis, they do too much when a little will do."

"They are still our guests today," the little nun said. She turned to me. "You must join us for our meal."

"If you don't mind," Tananda said, with a look at Calypsa's face. It was almost as green as hers. I think the smell must have been getting to her. "Maybe we can take the Purse and go. We don't want to impose."

The nun's kindly face fell. "I am afraid that I cannot let you take her just yet. Tax day approaches. The Majaranarana's collectors will be coming by to assess each of the people you see out there, and take money from them according to each assessment. They do not have it, so Chin-Hwag must give it to them. Tomorrow, please, or the day after."

We looked at Calypsa. In spite of her nausea, she was sympathetic.

"What do you say, kid? There's only three days left on your deadline."

"Of course we must allow you to help them," the Walt said. "I couldn't let anyone get into trouble. We are so close. Surely we will find the Ring in good time."

I didn't like cutting our fudge factor, but I shrugged. "It's your show. Besides, I could use a square meal."

"Good!" Hylida said. "Then let us have food." She clapped her hands.

"Who's the Majaranarana?" I asked.

"Oh, he is the absolute monarch of our land," Hylida said, as the Toadies ran around and laid out huge bowls and spoons at each place. This looked promising, since we hadn't eaten much in the last few days. "Our land produces much wealth' crops, minerals, silk, machinery, but very little of it benefits us. All of our profits are taxed heavily."

"Are you at war?" Ersatz asked, with a expert's eye on her.

"No! But our neighbors look at us greedily. The Majaranarana has been using all the money to pay off the other rulers, to keep them from thinking about invading." She sighed. "It might have been better to have raised an army when he could afford one. Now he wrings all he can out of the people. We cannot go on much longer in this fashion."

In the meantime, one of the servers set a big kettle of stew down next to me. I inhaled appreciatively. It tasted like farkasht fritters, a dish that my grandmother used to make, except none of the components wriggled. Too bad. It was the closest I'd found to Pervish cooking in a hundred dimensions. I scooped the contents into my bowl and started eating.

"All right, everyone, dinner is served!" Hylida said. Pointed silence descended. I glanced up from my meal.

"What?" I asked.

Tananda tilted her head meaningfully toward the bowl in front of her. Another server had ladled some of the stew into it, about enough to cover my palm. I looked at Calypsa's bowl. In it was also a single, meager scoop of food. If I judged by proportion, the pot I had just emptied was supposed to have fed about a hundred people. I felt like an idiot. Why did these people use such huge dishes if they weren't going to fill them?

"Uh, sorry."

"What an appetite!" Hylida said. She looked pleased.

"Like feeding a garbage disposal," Asti exclaimed.

"Nothing would surprise me about Perverts," Chin-Hwag agreed.

"I have records of feasts where they've eaten whole villages!" Payge said. He turned terrified blue jewel eyes toward me. "I mean, the contents of their larders and their animal pens, not the people. I…please don't tear my pages out."

"Knock it off!" I said. I turned to Hylida. "Sorry for the inconvenience. I'll make it up to you."

The nun smiled. "I do not mind. You were so appreciative of the flavor of our cooking. I do not see that very often. Usually my clients are just grateful to have the food, they do not care what it tastes like. It is charity, but they still complain."

"There, you see? He didn't even wait to see what it tasted like." Asti snorted.

"All right," I snarled, glaring down on her. "Knock it off! I deserve this one, but I'm fed up with getting tsuris from you on preventable faux pas. Why didn't you warn me?"

"Not my job," Asti said, smugly. "Why didn't the Dumbstone do it? She's the one who sees the future."

"Because he was meant to do it," Kelsa said. "He was hungry! You ought to be more compassionate about that. How can you think clearly on an empty stomach?"

"Thanks a bunch, Kelsa." I wasn't that grateful. I was smarting at the humiliation. The Toadies in the wall were staring at me in open admiration.

"He ought to live more in the life of the mind," Payge said.

"If I was made of paper, that would be easy," I grumbled.

"What can we do about the people who are waiting to eat?" Calypsa asked, politely.

"We're not here to solve all their problems," I said.

"But that is what we do," Kelsa said.

"Not today."

"Oh, but, Aahz, we must!" Calypsa pleaded.

I gave in.

"Can I get raw materials from somewhere else?" I asked Hylida.

She spread her hands sadly. "There are no other supplies, I am afraid. The crops have been bad, and we have few farmers who bring their surplus into the city."

Now I felt really bad. I got up, reaching for the D-hopper in my pocket. "I know. There's a good pizza place in the Bazaar. They deliver. They can be here in half an hour. I'll be back. What do you think, about a hundred pies?"

"My goodness, a Pervect who sees beyond his own needs!" Chin-Hwag exclaimed. "Do you actually feel shame? I am impressed."

"Shut up, sister," I said. "I may need your help, but you don't get to slam my character."

"Forgive me! I have never before met a Pervect who had one!"

I turned my back on her and set the D-hopper for Deva.

"Don't go," Asti said, just before I hit the button. "I'll feed them. Let them drink from me. They will find enough sustenance to strengthen them for a week."

Hylida bowed deeply to the shining goblet. "That will help us mightily. We usually cannot afford more than basic needs."

"That doesn't make sense," I said. "If you have Chin-Hwag, and she'll cough up whatever you need, then why are you so desperate?"

Hylida smiled. It was a saint's smile. I could see why the people around there worshiped her. "It is not money we need here, but heart. The people here are poor. They can't afford new clothes, or household goods, or even wigs."

"Wigs?"

"Oh, yes. They are a status symbol in Toa. We cannot ask Chin-Hwag for these things. A sudden influx of too much money would only cause confusion and break down the bounds of the current society, with nothing to replace it. In measured amounts, they still strive to care for themselves. It is a matter of pride."

Asti seemed to square her shoulders.

"Let's get this over with," she said. "I haven't had to pitch in like this since the cooks burned the Grand Trompier's wedding feast in the palace of Belaj."

But before the soup-line could begin, the jingle of metal and the thundering of hoofbeats made the Toadies leap up. "Run away!" they shouted.

"What's the problem?" I asked. Hylida looked grave.

"The tax collectors are here," she said.