Myth-Chief

TWENTY-FOUR

"Come on," I said, pulling Dervina along with me through the dank, chilly corridor of the Foxe-Swampburg castle. Centuries of Hermalaya's ancestors glared down at me from fancy gold frames in between sconces giving off a faint, blue light. "He'll be glad to see you."

"But aren't we expected?" the Gnome asked. The fussy little creature kept tapping her fingertips together over her little round midsection.

"Constantly," I assured him.

Most of the hallway was deserted, now that about half the servants and almost all the courtiers had been dismissed, I knew where we were going, because I could see the two guards flanking the door two-thirds of the way up the hall. Dervina looked nervous as we passed them, which I put down to the local livery. Over their already feral faces, the guards wore helmets of bronze cast into the likeness of insane wolves with slavering jaws and anatomically correct dentition, giving each of them almost as fearsome a snarl as a Pervect. The fur cloaks over their shoulders looked like they might have been skinned off the backs of defeated enemies. Dervina gulped.

"Hi, boys," I said, slapping the one on the right as we went by him. ""The big guy's expecting me."

Theirs was not to reason why, I figured, since they didn't stop us. On the other side of the door, we were halted by an ice-cold look from Matfany himself.

"What are you doing here. Mister Aahz?"

"'Business," I said, amiably, hoping to engender the same mood from him. It didn't work. The gaze grew even more chilly.

"Mister Aahz, I informed you that it would be best if you made an appointment before bursting in. I am very busy most days and don't have time to drop everything on a whim. Perhaps I didn't impress you enough with the importance of my position here and the respect that derives from it?"

"Sure you did, sure you did," I assured him. "And that is why Dervina here wanted so much to meet you in person."

I stepped aside. The Gnome bowed over her folded hands. Matfany peered at her over his glasses and rose to his feet.

"Ma'am, I apologize. I am afraid I just didn't see you there."

"Perhaps we should leave, Mister Aahz," Dervina said, nervously. "If Prime Minister Matfany is too busy

... ?"

"Not at all, ma'am," Matfany said, automatically turning on the courtesy. He came around the document-strewn desk with his hand extended. "Please, be welcome in Foxe-Swampburg. How may we serve you?"

"She's looking for a little something in a library or a symphony hall," I said. "What have you got?"

Matfany put on a pained smile. "We have a couple of fine libraries, ma'am," he said. "The Orchestra Hall is where the orchestra plays, but we've also got an opera house. Both of those are pretty popular."

"I can show them to you on the map," I said, brandishing my chart. I glanced at his desk and at my prospect. It had taken me weeks and half a dozen favors to get an appointment with anyone in the Zoorik banking industry. Dervina was the only banker willing to talk to me about Foxe-Swampburg. Evidently their bond issues were down below an F-rating, and no one in Zoorik wanted to even talk about Foxe-Swampburg and money in the same sentence. She liked the idea of a cultural center with her name on it, but being more cautious than the Geek or Gribaldi, she wanted to see the place first. We needed to wow her. "You haven't got a lot of room here. Let's move into the throne room and take a look at the map in there."

"Let's not, sir," Matfany said, just as firmly. "This is my office. It is where I do business. Pray allow me, ma'am?"

He escorted Dervina to his chair and helped her to sit down. He rang a handbell on his desk. When one of the masked guards looked into the room, Matfany beckoned to him.

"Will you go ask the kitchen to bring this lady some refreshments? Would you like coffee, tea, or a little something stronger?"

"Oh, tea, thank you!"

I would have liked something a lot stronger and in decent quantity, but Matfany ignored me and my wishes. Efficiently, he tidied everything off his desk and spread out the map facing our guest. When the tea arrived on a cart pushed by a surly maidservant in a frilly pink apron, Matfany took it from her. He fussed over Dervina, fixing a cup for her just the way she liked it. I finally caught him alone by the door when he went out to ask for a few more lamps over his desk.

"Look, pal," I hissed at him, "this gal could mean a bucket of money. I don't want her to think the two of us don't get along. You have been torqued off at me for days.

You have a problem with me? Let's hear it. You want my help, or not?"

Matfany pulled himself up to his full height and looked down his nose at me.

"That encounter in your offices continues to trouble me, sir. I need your help for the kingdom's sake, sir, but I will not have you blackening the name of our princess."

I blew a raspberry. "Former princess, pal, let me remind you, since it was you who booted her out. Remember?"

Matfany looked pained. "Also for the sake of our nation, as I told you, but you must understand, I still have the greatest respect for her."

"Fine!" I snarled. "I won't insult her anymore. But this Gnome is a serious prospect who wants her name on a feature in Foxe-Swampburg. Keep the charm going, and it'll pay off in gold, remember? Prosperity equals respect?"

" I have to talk to you about that, Mister Aahz," Matfany began.

"Later," I said. "That tea okay, Miz Dervina?"

"Yes, yes," the Gnome banker said, blinking up at us. "This is a most curious opportunity, Prime Minister. I have to admit that it intrigued me. There are few intangible assets that carry value. I intend to retire next year, and having my name on a building would be a legacy I should enjoy in my retirement. Can you show them to me?"

"Why, they are right there," Matfany said. "That is the old library, right here facing the castle. The new library is the building here next to the university on the edge of town. The other new library's over here. Which one do you like'?"

"Oh, I'd have to see them to decide," Dervina said. "I never buy a property without a thorough inspection. We Gnomes are cautious by nature, you know."

"Ma'am, you do understand that you aren't really buying the item in question?" Matfany asked, with more emphasis than usual. "You're providing a name, in exchange for a consideration"'"

"I do understand, sir,' Dervina said. "But. perhaps also with an additional honorarium, I might be allowed a tasteful plaque with my name on it affixed to the edifice in question, the fee to allow that designation in perpetuity? I would be prepared to go as high as a thousand . . ?"

A thousand! I tried to keep from whooping out loud.

The prime minister's face cleared. "That would be quite all right, ma'am. I'd be happy to escort you around to the various sites you want to see. May I warn you in advance that there's been some little trouble as of late? You might see things that I hope won't upset you."

"I know all about the pinchbug infestation, Prime Minister," she said.

"Well, it's not exactly THAT," Matfany said, with a significant look at me. I could see more discussion coming my way, but I had no idea why. "Ah, but if you please, your time is valuable." He pulled back her chair and stuck out his elbow. "This way, ma'am. Sir."

I trailed along behind him. The heralds at the door raised long trumpets and blew a fanfare, and the guards threw open the big main doors as we approached them. Matfany marched proudly out with Dervina on his arm. I followed, and stopped short.

When I saw what he called "some little trouble." I had to hand it to him for understatement.

"What the hell is this?" I asked.

"Clearly, you did not come in this way," Matfany said.

I whistled. "No kidding."

The courtyard wasn't distinct in any way from thousands of enclosed spaces of fortified houses and citadels across the dimensions, except in its present population density, which had to comprise a good quarter of the Swamp Foxes in Foxe-Swampburg. As soon as they saw Matfany, they raised protest signs over their heads and shook their fists at him. The signs were badly lettered, but I could read most of them.

"Bring Back Hermalaya!" and "We Want Our Princess!" was the gist of the majority, but "Keep Foxe-Swampburg Beautiful!" was on a good third of the placards out there. Other gripes filled the rest, but I got the point. They surged up the stairs and surrounded us. Dervina cringed.

"Get back!" I roared. The Foxes crowding me recoiled slightly, but kept pressing in. The next one that

touched me, I heaved into the air and flung. He landed on six or eight of his fellows. I lunged for the next one, but he dodged out of reach. I grabbed two more and banged them together. They fell down. The Foxes behind them tripped over the bodies and whacked each other with their signs.

The prime minister maintained a dignified mien down the long staircase, Dervina on his arm. A group of Vixens came running toward him with their signs up.

"Bring back the princess!" they cried.

Matfany flung up a hand. They barreled to a stop. He lowered his head so he was looking over his glasses at them. He dropped his fingers and flicked them twice. The females scrambled backward, retreating into the crowd. He started walking forward. A path cleared before him. The protesters started shouting again, but they never got closer than arm's length. It only took a glare to make them back off. If I could have bottled that look, I would have been the wealthiest merchant in the Bazaar.

"When did this start?" I shouted at Matfany.

"Not long after I saw her highness in your office, sir," he said. "But it has gotten considerably worse after those started appearing." He pointed toward a distraught vixen who waved a copy of The Princess's Diary at him. "Is this the work of your rival? Is he trying to destroy what is left of our fair country?"

"I'm taking care of it," I promised him. "What's the deal with the others?" I aimed a thumb toward the "Keep Foxe-Swampburg Beautiful" contingent. "You will see, sir." Matfany assured me.

I did.

From the castle gates, which overlooked the resort and the seaside, I could see the range of mountains that the Geek had put his name on.

"It wasn't supposed to be literal," I said.

"It seems as though your friend misinterpreted that concept," Matfany said.

The whole range looked as though it had been hit by a squad of giant, hyperactive subway taggers. From one end to the other, the sixteen peaks were covered with brilliant designs in colors that gave me a headache, even at that distance. In the middle of the largest and most prominent peak, the words "The Geek" flashed on and off in a blaze of orange light. I gawked.

"Oh." Dervina said. "I thought this was a quiet beauty spot."

"It was, ma'am," Matfany said. He glared at me, "And it will be again. Mister Aahz, I believe that's your problem."

"Down with the outsiders!" someone bellowed.

That's when the tomatoes started flying. The last I saw of Dervina, she vanished before the first one splatted just where she had been standing. I groaned.

There went my thousand gold coins.