Class Dis-Mythed

Chapter Two

"Skeeve, stop it!" Bunny ordered me, exasperation plain on her pretty face. "They're too pink!"

"Are you sure?" I asked. I stopped adding color and stood back to get a better look at my illusion spell.

"Yes, I'm sure! They're Klahds, not Imps!"

I peered at the image. It issued from Bunny's Perfectly Darling Assistant, or PDA, Bytina, a palm-sized clam-shell of brushed red metal, and had been blown up by me with a touch of magik to cover the surrounding walls, covering the peeling paint and worn woodwork of the old inn. Striking poses in a copse of fake hazel trees were several beings wearing elegant clothing that seemed out of both time and place. From what I could tell by the old-fashioned phrases they were spouting, the male wearing the cross-gartered hose was pledging eternal devotion to the young female with long braids and a dress so tightly bodiced that every breath drew my—attention. An older male in a long houppelande and a twisty turban, the female's father, was against the union. They were Klahds, members of my own race. Honesty forced me to admit they were more fuchsia than the usual Klahdish varegations of pale beige through dark brown. Reluctantly, I mentally unreeled some of the rainbow I'd fed into the picture. Bunny tapped her foot impatiently.

"How about now?" I inquired.

"Not yet."

"How about now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"No! Yes," Bunny amended suddenly. Her shoulders relaxed. "Good. Now, make their heads smaller."

"Bunny, they look fine!" I argued. "You can see their expressions better this way."

She redoubled the exasperation and aimed it straight at me. I turned back to my handiwork and studied it. I had to admit she was right again. The people did have the aspect of lollipops on sticks. At the time I had thought it was advantageous, since the last time I'd been to a play the actors were so far away from me I could never tell who was emoting about what. Once I reduced the proportions to normal it seemed as though a crowd was standing in the room of the old inn with us. I liked the effect. I noticed that the backdrop they were standing in front of looked more unrealistic than ever.

"I could improve the scenery," I offered, raising my hands with my thumbs together to make a square. "Make it seem like a real forest."

"No, thanks," Bunny shot back.

"Oh, come on," I wheedled. "It'd be a lot better that way."

"No!" Bunny said. "What IS it about men, that they can't stop fiddling with controls for a single moment? I went for a ride with my uncle on that flying carpet he bought in the Bazaar, and he practically rebraided the fringe on one short little ride!"

I retired to the corner, chagrined.

"Well, if you don't need my help any more—" I began.

Bunny smiled sweetly at me. "I didn't need it to start with. But thank you for enlarging the picture. It does make it easier to watch."

She sashayed back to the cushy armchair in the center of the room, now surrounded by the play, already into its second act. She wasn't so hard to watch herself, being a very curvaceous woman the circumference of whose bosom was approximately two thirds of her height and with red hair that was clipped short to draw attention to the silky skin of her cheeks and neck. Don't misunderstand me—I wasn't interested in Bunny romantically. I had once underestimated her because of her looks. She had used them as camouflage to conceal a surprising intelligence, something that we in M.Y.T.H., Inc. came to appreciate more than her family and former associates in the Mob had. She was one of my best friends, someone whose judgment I trusted absolutely. It didn't hurt that she was fun to look at.

I'd been living back in the old inn for a few months, since leaving the other members of M.Y.T.H., Inc. behind in the headquarters we shared in the Bazaar on Deva. Bunny, our company accountant, had agreed to come along with me to act as my assistant and companion in my self-imposed exile on Klah. I had quit the company to study magik—really study, instead of faking it and learning a technique only when I needed it, sometimes almost too late to save our necks. Since the murder of my first master Garkin by an Imp assassin, my education had been taken over by Aahz. That period of my life consisted of one adventure after another, punctuated by emergencies, alarums, excursions, danger, lectures, financial crises, near forced marriages, and complicated political situations.

I had really enjoyed it. Then I had begun to think about my situation. I had been promoted far above my skill level. The time had not yet come when someone called me on it, but I kept waiting for that knock on the door, the one that would herald the coming of a dark, hooded cosmic being who would point a sepulcheral finger at me and proclaim, "You're a phony!" Then Ogres with moving carts would strip everything out of the offices, and I'd be evicted onto the street with my simple belongings wrapped in a handkerchief, while everyone I had ever met laughed at my humble retreat.

All right, maybe I didn't fear exposure, shame and dismissal. I'd been pretty straightforward with my friends and associates about my lack of experience and formal training and understanding of magik, and they had risen to the occasion, stepping in to help me when I couldn't do the job myself. They all had expertise in very different fields, had lived fascinating lives and handled situations I had never dreamed of facing. The person it bothered more than anyone else was me. I stepped away at the optimum time, to give myself a chance to catch up with my position in life, so that when I came back— if I came back-—I'd be a worthy associate to my friends.

I had my mission: to turn myself into the wizard that matched the hype. The old inn that Aahz and I had 'inherited' from the madman Istvaan sat at the crossroads of several force lines which I could draw on for nearly limitless power. I had books and scrolls from numerous scholars on approaches to classical magik and access to practitioners in multiple dimensions. While I appreciated Bunny's sacrifice in sharing my exile, I wasn't a fool. I hoped she might become interested in my research, but she had her own life and interests. She was used to a lively existence in the midst of her Mob family (she was Don Bruce's niece) and in M.Y.T.H., Inc. I anticipated that she might become bored having to lie low in what was believed to be a derelict and maybe haunted building in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the woods of Klahd a place that would not attract attention to us. I made sure she knew I would transport her back to Deva or anywhere else whenever she wanted to go. I encouraged her to find entertainment, such as watching the magik pictures that Bytina brought in from the aether. Nor did I rule out visitors, though more for her sake than mine.

As if on cue, a knock came at the door.

"Quick, Skeeve," Bunny whispered, gesturing at Bytina.

I whisked a hand toward the tiny device. The crowd of declaiming actors vanished, and the room fell silent.

Mostly silent. My pet dragon, Gleep, had heard the rapping, and came hurtling into the room.

"Gleep!" he exclaimed.

"Shh!" I said.

I listened carefully. I could hear youthful-sounding female voices just outside the big main door.

"Girls," Bunny said. "I'll take care of it." She gestured at herself.

"See what you think of this illusion," I said. "I saw an illustration in a scroll, and I came up with a really scary variation."

Closing my eyes I superimposed the craggy, blue-tinged face of an ancient hag over Bunny's lovely features. She glanced in the mirror as she passed.

"Yuck."

I grinned, satisfied.

"Gleep!" my pet protested.

"You, too," I whispered. With another moment of concentration, Gleep became a terrible giant bug, a cross between a cockroach and a firefly. My pet gallumphed happily toward the door. I hope he wouldn't scare them too much. I would hate to be responsible for causing nightmares, when all I wanted was my privacy.

Then, the door swung open.

The last thing I had to worry about was that the three girls on the doorstep might be afraid of blue-skinned crones or flying cockroaches. They were Pervects.

They regarded Bunny with the disdain that natives of Perv had for most other races, completely unconcerned that live spiders swung from her lank tresses, or that her skin appeared to be peeling before their eyes. Aahz had once said that most Klahds looked alike to him.

The smallest one pointed a thumb over her shoulder. "They said in that little hovel down the road that the Great Skeeve lives here."

"Who wants to know?" Bunny shrilled in a voice like an elderly woman.

"We do," the tallest one replied. "This is Freezia and Pologne. I'm Jinetta. He knows my great-aunt, Vergetta. Can we see him?"

My ears perked up at the name of one of my recent acquaintances. I hurried to the door.

"Hi," I greeted them, holding out a hand to each one. "I'm Skeeve. What can I do for you?"

Pologne glared at me. "You're Skeeve?"

"That's me," I said.

My admission seemed to spark the expressions of horror that my illusion spells had not.

"This?" Freezia demanded of Jinetta. "This is the Great Skeeve your aunt was so impressed by? This skinny little Klahd? We've been had!"

"No, no, I really am Skeeve," I protested. I glanced past them to see if any of the locals were in sight. "Come on in."

I got the door closed behind them just in time to keep the argument from scaring every woodland creature for miles.

"You've got to be kidding!" Freezia shrieked.

"I told you he was a Klahd!" Jinetta said.

"Yeah, but he's a baby!" Pologne said. "We came all this way, wasting more time which we do NOT have, and what do we get? A kid! Barely out of swaddling clothes."

"A baby!" Freezia agreed.

"Er," I said, seeing the glee on Bunny's face. "I'm not a baby."

"Yeah, but you don't look like the guru of magik, either," Jinetta explained, sheepishly. "No offense."

"None taken," I replied. I blinked. "Guru of what?"

"Magik," Freezia snapped out. "We need a magik tutor. Now. Today."

"ME???!!!???"

Jinetta nodded. "My aunt assured me that you were the slickest operator she'd ever met, someone who can get a job done with no wasted effort. And your business manager gave us a big buildup, too."

"His what?" Bunny demanded.

"Business manager. Aahz. He said you were hot stuff. Just what we were hoping for."

"Aahz did?" I asked, now thoroughly puzzled. I knew Aahz's opinion of my skills. He'd told me enough times that if, magik were wind, I couldn't produce an audible poof.

"And Aahz told you I was the one you wanted?"

"Here," Jinetta said impatiently. She opened her buttermilk-yellow briefcase and rooted around with it. She came up with two rolls of parchment, one a long screed in ornate and difficult script asking me for a little favor, to help out her niece and her friends, signed by Vergetta. The other was a note scrawled by Aahz on the back of an old shopping list:

"Nice girls. They need some polishing up. Thought you could handle it. Aahz…"

"Well," I breathed. I felt honored that my ex-partner had so much faith in me. Bunny had been trying to read the notes over my shoulder. I passed them to her.

"Well," I asked the three, clapping my hands together, "what do you need to learn? I, er, could get you started on some basic magik."

Pologna snorted and threw up her hands. "I told you he was strictly amateur hour!"

"We don't need basics" Jinetta said. "We're all graduates of MIP. Summa cum laude. We can give you credentials, if you need them."

"Oh." I felt very young and inept next to such well-educated Pervects. "Then what exactly do you need from me?"

"We'd like to intern with you for a few weeks, get a handle on practical uses of the arts. Your business manager said you'd welcome the chance to mentor a few worthy pupils. We all took degr—"

"How much?" Bunny interrupted.

We all looked at her in surprise.

"How much did you pay Aahz?" Bunny asked.

"Why?" Freezia countered, suddenly suspicious.

"Well, we need to know if you've signed up for basic instruction, or something more advanced. Let me see your receipts." Bunny held out an imperious hand.

"She's the bursar," I added when the three hesitated. I thought about it, and realized her wits were more in tune than mine. We both knew Aahz must have found a financial angle. It wasn't just altruism and belief in my skills that had prompted him to send me three apprentices. He'd dumped me into the drink a few times in the past with his passion for gold. Bunny was almost certainly right. There had to be some serious money involved.

The Pervects handed her small slips of parchment covered with Aahz's inimitable scrawl. Her face turned white, then red. She passed the slips to me. I gawked at the sum.

"Uh. Well, that's definitely the advanced course," I managed to choke out.

Bunny grabbed my arm and dragged me into the next room. "Give me the D-hopper," she said.

"What for?" I asked.

"I am going to march into that tent and give him a piece of my mind, since he seems to have lost his! What was he thinking? He knows you can't handle these girls!"

"Well, I don't know," I mused. "Aahz must think I can do it."

"That's the money talking. Look at me, Skeeve." I raised my eyes to hers. "This is just Aahz being greedy. What are you doing here? I mean, here, in this place." "Well—studying."

"Because?" she prompted.

"Oh, I know, Bunny. I'm not the wizard everyone thinks I am, but Aahz must think I'm ready to tutor university students. Besides, he has put me under an obligation. I have to fulfill it. Those Pervects are counting on me. How bad could it be? We've got plenty of space for them to stay. They can each pick out a room. You'll enjoy the company—-"

"You're talking yourself into it, aren't you?" Bunny could read a lot of my thoughts, and I always found it unnerving. "Skeeve, snap out of it! Aahz is flattering your ego. You don't know anything about teaching."

"I have to do it, don't I?" I countered. "Aahz made a contract in my name. I've got to live up to that. Otherwise, what happens to my reputation?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Will you put your sense of honor to the side just for the moment? It's not your reputation that's at stake here. Aahz made the deal without ever asking you if you would do it. You could say no. He knows what you're doing here. He'll just have to give those Pervects refunds."

We both stopped for a moment to reflect upon the mental image of Aahz forced to dig into his pockets and give money back. I almost laughed. It would almost be easier for me to learn advanced techniques and teach them to these young Pervects. It would sure take less time. No matter what Bunny said, I was stung by the challenge. I wondered if I could do it. If I couldn't, I'd soon find out. If I found I was in over my head, I could find a way to refund part of their tuition, and possibly find them a substitute teacher.

With a gesture of surrender, I returned to my new charges, who were waiting anxiously in the main room. Bunny stayed at my shoulder.

"Practical magik, huh?" I inquired.

"Yes," the girls said. "As soon as possible."

"What's the hurry?" Bunny wanted to know.

Jinetta hesitated. "Well, er, you know, no one wants to hire recent graduates who have no practical experience, right? I don't want to start out frying mimgrou ribs and asking 'do you want oil-soaked tubers with that?' I want a high-paying executive job. I want to get a jump on getting ahead of our fellow students."

"Me, too," put in Pologne. Freezia nodded eagerly.

"Me, too. And the key to big money is a reputation. And the key to that reputation is f—"

"Experience," Jinetta interrupted. "Unpaid experience. That's why we're looking for internships intstead of, er, entry level positions. So you don't pay us. Just teach us. Quickly."

That sounded reasonable to me. Having been on Perv once, I guessed it would be tough to jump into a good employment situation. Unlike Klah, everything seemed to move fast there.

"Okay," I said. "I'll do it."

"Thank you!" Pologne cried.

"It's a deal, then," Jinetta said, sticking out a hand. I hesitated for a moment, remembering Aahz's dislike for shaking hands with apprentices. But I was going to create my own style of teaching. I clasped her scaly fingers. The others grasped my hand in turn.

"Now what?" Freezia asked.