Across the Universe

53 AMY

I FEEL FUNNY.

Not funny ha-ha. Funny weird.

Run, my body tells my brain. When something’s not right, run. Running makes you feel better. Normal.

But why run? Run where? What’s the point?

Seems silly, running.

May as well stand here.

And wait.

The world seems slow.

Like walking through water.

Like drowning.

The cheering washes over me, like a warm wave of joy, and I join in, raising my voice in happiness, becoming a part of the crowd. Elder looks at me funny (not funny ha-ha, but funny weird), and he doesn’t cheer. I don’t know why.

“Why don’t you cheer?” I ask.

Elder takes a long time to answer, and when he finally does, I’ve nearly forgotten the question. “I’ve got nothing to cheer about.”

Why do you need a reason to cheer? Why not just… cheer?

Everyone starts to leave the Keeper Level. I stand still, watching them go. Their walking makes the floor rumble a bit, like ripples when you throw a pebble in the water. I close my eyes and feel the world through my feet.

For a moment, I remember Earth. Remember ripples in ponds.

The memory fades. I am here. Now. Not there.

Why think about Earth?

Elder touches my arm. I open my eyes. Everyone else is gone. But not Elder or Eldest. And not me.

Elder starts to stride toward Eldest. He turns around and looks at me. “Come on,” he says. “Aren’t you going to come with me?”

Oh, yes. Of course. I follow him.

Eldest looks at me, and my body reacts before my mind, my stomach clenching and my gut twisting in nausea. I stumble — why don’t my feet want to go closer to Eldest? Why is my breath catching, my heart racing?

Why don’t I like Eldest?

I shake my head to clear my mind. Of course I like Eldest. Why would I not like him? He is my leader.

A loud noise makes me jump. The noise came from Elder.

I have missed part of their conversation. I squint and focus my attention on them. It seems very important that I understand. I feel like I should understand, should care.

“What did you do?” Elder shouts.

Why is he shouting?

“Nothing more than what you will do.” Eldest’s voice is a snarl.

“I will never be like you! Never! This is all a lie!” My gaze follows his arm up, to the stars. They are so pretty. Sparkly. Glittering. Not like the stars at home.

My heart misses a beat, and my breath is gone for a moment. Home? This is home. Why think about other stars? I have these stars. These stars are enough. They’re pretty. Sparkly. Glittering.

“What are you playing at?” Elder shouts, and I realize I’ve forgotten to pay attention again.

I should pay attention.

But… why? This has nothing to do with me.

It does, a voice whispers in my head.

How? I ask it.

But there is no answer.

“You frexing chutz,” Eldest says, leaning in close to Elder. “They need hope, don’t they? They need to look at the pretty sparklies—”

I look up at the pretty sparklies. They are pretty. And sparkly.

I blink. Where did the sound go?

Elder and Eldest stare at me.

Should I say something to them? They look like they want me to say something.

But what should I say?

“Amy?” Elder asks, quietly.

Eldest grins with all his teeth showing. My stomach clenches again, bile on my tongue, but my lips curve up, matching his smile. Eldest leans forward. He strokes my cheek. As he reaches for me, I have a sudden urge to flinch. But that’s silly — why should I flinch? I stand there. He wraps both hands around the sides of my face and draws me closer.

“Get your hands off her,” Elder snarls.

“Don’t you see?” Eldest says. I think he’s talking to Elder, not me, but I’m the one he’s looking at. “The people of Godspeed have simple needs, simple wants. Give them some sparkly lights and they call it hope. Give them hope, and they’ll do anything. They’ll work when they don’t want to. They’ll breed when the ship needs it. And they’ll smile the whole time.”

Eldest smiles, his lips curling up. His eyes stare into mine, so warm and brown and comforting.

I smile back.