Across the Universe

18 ELDER

“OH, HERE YOU ARE,” ELDEST SAYS CASUALLY AS HE CLIMBS UP the hatch that connects the Keeper Level to the Shipper Level.

I lie on the cool metal floor below the metal screen hiding the fake stars. My head is pounding from Eldest’s little noise trick. I have never in all my life had a headache this bad before. Every time I let my head roll on the floor, it feels as if a ton of weight is crashing around, slamming against my skull, flattening my brain into useless mush. I try to stay still.

“That was a frexing dirty thing to do,” I mutter, pressing the palms of my hands into my forehead.

“What? Oh, the tonal thing. Well, next time don’t ignore my com.”

“I can if I want to!” I know it sounds childish, but I can barely frexing see with this headache. I stare up at the dull metal ceiling, grateful the star screen is blocked from view. Just thinking about the tiny pinpricks of the lightbulb stars makes my head ache more.

Eldest walks across the Great Room to his chamber, goes inside, and returns a few moments later with something in his hand. He tosses it at me. A lavender-colored med patch. I rip it open and apply it directly to my forehead, the tiny needles catching on my skin like hook-and-loop tape. I breathe deeply, willing the medicine to take effect and ease my pulsing, throbbing head.

“Let this be a lesson,” Eldest says. His voice rings out across the Great Room. There’s no need for him to shout — it’s only us in here. I wonder if he’s speaking so loudly just to aggravate my headache more. “The job of the Eldest is to prevent discord. Through the centuries, we have perfected the prevention of the first main cause of discord by eliminating differences.”

“I know,” I moan, rubbing the med-patch on my forehead deeper into my skin. Did I really need a lesson now?

Eldest starts to squat down next to me, but his knees creak, so he stands up and hobbles around instead, pacing. “Don’t you see?” he finally says, exasperated. “That girl could not be more different!”

“So?”

Eldest throws up his hands. “Chaos! Discord! Fighting! She is nothing but trouble!”

I cock my eyebrow, grateful that the med patch is already making me feel normal again. “Being a bit dramatic, aren’t you?”

Eldest drops his hands and glares at me. “She could ruin this ship.”

“She’s just a girl.”

Eldest growls.

“Wait…” I say, leaning up and staring at him. “That’s it, isn’t it? She’s a girl, and she’s my age. You’re afraid we’ll…” My face burns at the thought. If Eldest is afraid of what Amy and I could do together, well, to be honest, that’s a possibility I’m rather hoping for.

“Don’t be such a chutz.” Eldest laughs, and my face grows even hotter. “I’m not worried about that at all.”

I splutter as I jump up. Does he think that I couldn’t? I know I’m not old enough for my Season yet, but I also know that I’m more than capable. When I look at Amy… I know what I’d like to do with her, and I know that I could. How dare he think I couldn’t! I am not the child he thinks I am!

“You’re losing focus,” Eldest says, snapping his fingers in front of my face. “This is all beside the point. The point is, that girl is going to cause trouble.”

“Well, what are you going to do about it?” I ask, sinking back to the floor.

Eldest appraises me. “You’ll be the next Eldest. What would you do about it?”

“Nothing.” I tilt my chin up at him. “She’s not hurting anything. She’ll be fine.”

“An Eldest can never do ‘nothing.’ ” Eldest is wearing this smug little smile on his face that makes me want to just punch him. Before I can think of anything snappy to say back to him, Eldest holds a finger up to me and turns away, pressing his wi-com button.

“Mm-hm,” he says to whoever has linked to him. “I see. Yes, of course.”

He turns back to me. “I’m going to the Shipper Level. Stay here and read more about the leaders of Sol-Earth. I’ve left a floppy for you in the Learning Center.”

“But—” Eldest is on the Shipper Level these days far more than he used to be. “Is everything okay?”

Eldest gives me an appraising look. Weighing whether or not I’m worthy of hearing his thoughts, sharing his problems. And I see it there, in the hunch of his shoulders, the uneasy way he carries his leg, the one he limps on. He can feel the weight of the ship on him, just like I can. No — he feels it more. He’s carried the weight longer than me, and he’s carried it not just for himself, but the Elder before me who died and couldn’t take over.

For just a moment, I see Amy through his eyes: as a problem.

“We need to have a talk when we get back.” Eldest’s tone now is serious, uncomfortable. He shifts on his feet, but does not head toward the hatch.

“What about?”

“The Season is coming soon….”

“Oh.” I knew about the Season already. While I was living on the Feeder Level, it was easy to learn about what happened between a male and a female. I saw it with the cows when I lived on the ranch; with the goats on the farm; with the sheep near the fields. I’d have been stupid not to notice what the animals did. Several of the women who kept me during my time on the Feeder Level explained reproduction to me. At the time, it seemed a bit uncomfortable and gross, but they all assured me that when my Season came, I’d be ready, and a woman from Harley’s gen would have a second Season with me. Since meeting Amy, I think I know what they mean about being ready.

“During the Season, you will see, er…” Eldest voice trails off.

“I know what the Season is,” I say. I am as uncomfortable as he. It was bad enough to learn about mating from a matronly farmer, worse yet to hear about it from Eldest.

“Still, we should talk—” This time, Eldest is interrupted by his wi-com. He presses the button and says something softly, so I don’t hear it.

“Hey,” I say. “HEY.”

He raises one finger, telling me to give him a second, and mumbles more into his wi-com.

“Quit ignoring me,” I say loudly.

Eldest sighs and disconnects the wi-com. “I’ve got to go.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me what that was all about?”

Eldest heaves a sigh, as if I’m a child pestering him.

“Look,” I say, “I’m getting sick of secrets.”

“Fine,” Eldest says, already walking to the hatch with his uneven gait. “You study; we’ll talk when I get back.” Before I can protest, he’s gone.

The med patch has worked its wonders: My headache is mostly gone. I don’t like the idea of how easy it would be for Eldest to do that again, though. Maybe I should keep some med patches with me.

My first thought is to go to the Hospital, where all the meds for the ship are stored. Doc keeps them locked up, but if Orion can get extra mental meds, it shouldn’t be that hard for me to get some med patches. But, then again, that’s what got me in trouble in the first place. Then I think about Eldest’s chamber. I know he stores extra med supplies there.

But to do that would mean sneaking into Eldest’s room, breaking the unspoken law of privacy.

I may have tested the door handles on the fourth floor of the Hospital (okay, fine, I broke in), but I’ve never gone into someone’s private space without permission first.

But then I remember Orion’s advice. With Eldest, to get what I want, I’ll have to be sneaky.

I tell myself as I stand and walk toward Eldest’s chamber that I am only going to turn the knob, not even push the door open, but even as I mentally relay these words, I recognize that I am lying to myself so I don’t lose my courage.

My hand trembles as I reach for the knob.

“Com link: Harley,” chirps the pleasant female voice of my wi-com.

“Hey, Harley,” I say, hoping the quaver on my voice doesn’t carry through the wi-coms.

“What was wrong with you earlier?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

“Who’s the new girl? Where’d she come from? I thought Doc already ID’d all the loons.”

“I’m busy, Harley.”

Harley crows with laughter. “Busy! Ha! You just want to keep her to yourself!”

That’s too close to the truth, so I disconnect the link.

Eldest’s door stands in front of me, mockingly.

This time, my hand doesn’t shake. The door swings open. Although there’s an old-fashioned Sol-Earth lock built into the door, Eldest has — luckily — forgotten to lock it.

I look around. This is not what I expected. Eldest is something of a slob. Like me. I smile. Stepping over a pile of dirty clothes, I make my way to the neatest area of the room — the desk. There are only three things on the top: a small, dark plastic bottle like the kind Doc uses for meds, a large glass bottle filled with clear liquid, and a box. A box that I recognize: the one that Eldest came to fetch the other day, just before I opened the ceiling and revealed a canopy of false stars. This is the box I was trying to look at then — this is the box that I had thought held all the answers to my leadership.

I rip the top of the box off expecting… something brilly at least. But all that’s inside is a scale model made of resin that resembles an engine, but it’s more cylindrical than the ones the tractors use on the Feeder Level. The replica is fascinating in its level of detail. When I push a button on the side, the engine breaks in half, exposing its insides. I poke at the pieces. From my studies, I’d guess this is a lead-cooled fast reactor, the same kind of engine Godspeed uses. But if so, this is the closest I’ve ever been to the heart of the ship I will one day lead.

I snap the engine closed, perhaps more forcefully than I should have.

This is just one more secret Eldest is keeping from me.

I examine the bottles on the desk. The big one is filled with liquid that smells like fumes — the drink some of the Shippers make. Eldest has never let me taste it. When I sip it, though, I nearly spew the stuff all over Eldest’s unmade bed. The back of my throat burns, and all the little hairs in my nose shrivel. When it hits my stomach, I gag.

The small bottle contains twenty or so mental meds.

Well, now I know why Doc and Eldest didn’t let me step down from being Elder after I started taking the Inhibitor pills. Eldest is as crazy as I am! I crush the bottle against my hand. Eldest knew how upset I was when Doc made me stay in the Ward for the year. I used to fight so hard against taking the pills.

Why wouldn’t he just admit that he was on mental meds, too?

I hate his secrets and lies.

I slam the door behind me and head to my own room for a drink of water — an old Feeder wives’ remedy for nerves.

Good thing, too — a moment later, Eldest bursts through the hatch, calling for me.

“Come with me,” he says. “We’ve got a situation.”