A Day for Damnation

FIFTY-FIVE

LIZARD WOKE me up. "Jim-"

"Huh? What?" Everything was dark. "What time is it?"

"Shh. Be quiet. It's almost dawn. I want you to come forward." I rubbed my eyes and fell out of my bunk

"I said, `Be quiet!"' she whispered again.

I followed her forward. "What do you want?"

"Look-" She pointed.

I looked to the monitor screen on the console. I looked out the window. Through the netting, I could see-

There were three bunnydogs sitting on the opposite side of the circle.

"This is it," I said. I looked at her. "Isn't it?" She nodded.

I started unbuttoning my shirt. "We should get started-"

She put her hand on my shoulder. "There's time. We'll do it by the mission book."

"But they could leave."

"I doubt it," she said. There was certainty in her voice. I turned to her.

"How long have they been there?"

"For an hour."

"And you didn't wake me?"

"As mission commander, I felt you needed your sleep. If they're here to communicate, Jim, then they'll wait. And if they're not, then it's a mistake to rush into anything. We'll follow the checklist. I'm calling condition yellow. I have to open two separate channels to Oakland, satellite and direct. I have to wake the observation team and the defense team; I have to activate the high-level monitors. You might as well have breakfast and go through your exercises with Fletcher again. It'll be at least ninety minutes before I'll go to condition green. Probably longer. Until then, my friend, you're still under my command. Got that?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"First thing, I want you to put on a medical harness. I want you to stabilize your heart and respiration before you go out there."

"Is it that obvious how excited I am?"

"Just do it," she said, hooking a thumb over her shoulder. "I've got work to do."

I moved. I went and woke up Fletcher, showed her our guests and then the two of us fell into the familiar routine of preparation and clearing. The excitement was growing in me like a bomb. This was worse than Christmas.

Fletcher took me to the back of the chopper and began talking to me low and quietly. At first, I couldn't hear a word she said. All I could think of was the bunnydogs.

"Jim!" Her tone was urgent. "Pay attention."

"Yes, ma'am."

"What are you here for?"

"The bunnydogs. Um, creating a relationship with the bunnydogs so communication can occur." The words fell out like a recorded phrase.

"Sorry, I don't get it. Where are you, James-because you're sure not here with me."

"I'm-sorry. I-guess I'm just excited."

"I know. All right, strip down and put on the harness. Let's see what's going on."

The decision had been made that the contact-me-should be naked. Or as close to naked as possible. To allow the bunnydogs to experience the animalness of the individual first. The physical beingness. I'd voted in favor of shorts. We'd compromised on a loincloth.

As soon as I'd stripped, Fletcher had me slip into the medical harness. She studied her console and frowned. "Is there any part of you that isn't elevated?" she asked.

"Well, there is one," I said, glancing down. "But, if you want-"

"Knock that off." She was all business. "Close your eyes, James. Good. All right. Here's the exercise. Thirty deep breaths. Like I taught you. See how long you can take."

I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. Breath number one. Breathe for your toes. This oxygen is for your toes. Take in as much as you can. Take care of your toes. Hold it as long as you can. Now, let it out. Breath number two. Breathe for your left foot. This oxygen is for your left foot. Take in as much as you can.

I could hear Fletcher and Colonel Tirelli conferring softly in the front of the chopper. I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I knew it was about me. I could sense the concern in their voices.

This breath is for your right knee. Take in as much as you can. I was going to go through my whole body this way. I was going to be thoroughly oxygenated. I knew I was letting myself be distracted.

The sounds from the front of the chopper were too negative. If I wasn't ready, they weren't going to let me go. That's what they were discussing. If I was too excited, I wouldn't be able to hold my focus.

Breathe for your stomach. This oxygen is for your stomach. Breathe for your chest.

They stopped talking then and the only sound in the ship was the sound of my own breath.

Breathe for your brain. Take in as much as you can. Hold it for as long as you can.

When I opened my eyes again, Fletcher was sitting opposite me.

"How are you feeling now, James?"

"Better." I added, "But I'm still not ready. I can feel it. I'm too giddy."

"You're doing fine," she said. "It's just that you think this is important. It's not. It's only an oddball little experiment that no one is taking seriously. So there's nothing at stake here. You got that?"

"Yes. "

"Good. So that means you're off the hook, Jim. No matter what happens out there, you can't screw up. Whatever happens, we still learn something. The experiment is already a success. All that's left is to find out the results."

"I wish I could believe that."

She shrugged. "It doesn't matter if you believe it or not. It's still true. Listen-" she added, "that circle that we cleared out there is an invitation to a party. It's the same invitation that they offered you and Duke and Colonel Tirelli three weeks ago, only you couldn't recognize it for what it was. Now that we know what it is, we can return the invitation. And they want to accept it. They're waiting for us. The hard part is over." She studied me intensely. "So, now what's the next move?"

"I go out there."

"And ... ?"

"And-" I stopped. "Uh-I know the answer, Fletch-but knowing the answer doesn't change anything. I'm still running the monkey program. I'm excited-and I'm scared." I looked at her, frustrated, "How do I let go?"

"Right. That's why you can't go out there, James. Not yet. You're still not ready to just be with them and play with them. You're still too busy being with your own feelings." Without missing a beat, she said, "Tell me a dirty joke."

"Huh?"

"Tell me a dirty joke. Any joke. Make one up."

"Why?"

"No reason at all. Tell me a joke!"

"Um-okay. What do you call a Chtorran who farts in the bathtub and bites the bubbles?"

"Well adjusted. Tell me one I haven't heard."

"What do you say to a Chtorran who's eating a Revelationist?"

"I give up, what?"

"Bon appetit!"

She smiled. "Okay, my turn. What's the Chtorran word for midget?"

"What?"

"Hors d'oeuvre. What does a Chtorran call a jogger?"

"Fast food. I've heard that one."

"All right. One more. What do you get when you cross a Chtorran with a grizzly bear?"

"What?"

"A very cross grizzly bear." She glanced at her console.

"How'm I doing?" I asked.

"Better." She grinned at me. "We may make it after all."

I felt myself surging with excitement. And immediately tried to suppress it.

"No, it's all right," she said. "You're excited. Let yourself be excited. If you try to stop being excited, it'll just keep building. Just let it run itself out." She pushed the console aside and turned to me. "Okay, here's what I want you to do:

"I want you to go up front, sit in the copilot's seat and study the bunnies. Just watch them. Watch them until you are tired of watching them. Until you are bored silly with watching them. Watch them until there is nothing left to do but watch them. Remember your herd experience. There's a point at which you will feel a shift in your experience of the bunnydogs. I can't explain what it will feel like, but you'll know it when it happens.

"I don't want you to move until you know that you're absolutely ready. When you are, get up quietly, take off the medical harness, and go out and do whatever is appropriate. You'll know what that is too. Have you got all that?"

I nodded.

"Good." She pointed me toward the front of the chopper.

I slipped into the copilot's seat and stared out at the bunnydogs. There were still only three of them. Papa, Mama, and baby? Maybe.

I remembered what Tanjy had said. Listen with your whole soul.

The bunnydogs were sitting patiently on the far side of the circle. Occasionally one or the other would scratch itself behind one ear. The littlest one had curled up and gone to sleep. It looked like a little pink pillow. That was interesting. The bunnydogs were naturally pink, even without the dust.

I remembered what Fletcher had taught me. Look beyond what you're seeing. Look at the surface. Look beyond the surface. And look inside yourself to see how you're seeing.

I was beginning to get a sense of the bunnydogs' patience. It wasn't their circle. It was ours. They were waiting to see what kind of a game we were inviting them to play.

And ... we were too scared to play.

We couldn't even offer an invitation without hiding guns behind it.

The invitation lay empty.

The game hadn't been created yet.

Once you step into the circle, the game begins. So, the question is-what kind of a game did I want to create with the bunnies? No.

The question was-what kind of a game could all of us create together?

I looked across at the rabbity little puppies and wonderedcould these creatures play the game of sentience?

It was time to find out. I levered myself out of my seat.

There was no one else in the chopper. They had left me alone. They were probably sitting in Colonel Anderson's command ship, watching the monitors.

The door was open. I stopped and removed the medical harness. I was wearing only a loincloth and a neck chain with a small transceiver hanging on it.

I stepped down out of the gunship.

I crossed to the wall of the camouflage dome and stepped through the netting.