A Day for Damnation

FORTY-EIGHT

THEY KEPT me up the whole night, talking.

They filled me full of coffee-someone found some of the real stuff-I threatened to clam up if they handed me another cup of the ersatz-and they kept me talking.

I kept begging Fletcher to let me go to sleep, but she kept saying, "Not yet. Just a little while longer."

"Why-what are you waiting for?" I could hear the whining in my voice. I hadn't whined since I was five.

Finally, she admitted, "We want to make sure that you'll wake up human. We need to see that your brain is responding to language again. When you sleep, you let go of language. In the morning, we want to make sure you pick it up again."

"I'll be-all right," I said. "I think you can trust me now."

"Would you bet your life on it?"

"Huh?"

"If you don't wake up human tomorrow, can we kill you?"

"Say again?"

"I said, `If you don't wake up human tomorrow, can we kill you?' Are you that certain?"

"Uh-" I held out my cup. "Can I have some more coffee?"

Fletcher grinned and took the cup from me. "You're fine." But she refilled the mug anyway. "We were thinking about leaving a radio on for you, low-level-but there're two schools of thought on that. One is that it will help keep you tuned to language. The other is that it will be just another babbling voice in the background and will encourage you to start tuning out again." She sighed. "Ultimately, it comes down to this-it's up to you. At some level, James, it's going to be your choice."

She turned my face to hers. "Do you understand? I know that you want to go back. You're going to have to resist the pull. Can you? Will you?"

I lowered my eyes. Her gaze was too intense to look at. I wanted to hide from it. "I think I can," I said. I looked back up at her.

"I'll try."

"Don't try. Do it." She took my chin and turned my face to hers. "I am not going to lose you, do you understand?"

I nodded. All the words seemed so feeble somehow, but it was words she wanted most from me. I felt trapped.

"Do you want some help?" she asked.

"What kind?"

"Just a trick. Use your name as a mantra. Do it as you're falling asleep. Chant your name over and over again. I am James Edward McCarthy. I am James Edward McCarthy. And so on."

"Why? What will that do?"

"It'll set some instructions running that will help you tune back in tomorrow. Every day it'll get a little easier. Will you do it?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'll feel silly, but I'll do it."

"Good." She leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "I'll let you sleep now."

As I drifted off, I found my body curling familiarly around a pillow. I wondered who I was missing. Who had curled up with me in the herd? I remembered the curve of a spine. The feel of skin. Liquid eyes. I missed--

I drifted back into wakefulness, missing my mate. Finding myself in a strange white place. Wearing a stiff white cloth. And--

"James Edward McCarthy!" I said. "My name is James Edward McCarthy!" And started laughing. It worked.

I found a jumpsuit in the closet. The ubiquitous army jumpsuit. And a pair of slip-ons. Good enough for what I had to do.

First thing, I had to let Fletcher know I was back. Second. I had a dance to plan.