Shadowspell

Chapter Twenty-One

My best chance of getting to Ethan without anyone knowing I’d left my safe house was to go at night, after I was supposed to be in bed. Finn rarely set foot in my suite, always keeping to himself unless I initiated contact, but I didn’t trust my luck. If I decided to go during the middle of the day, that would be the one day Finn decided to come check on me for some reason.

I felt like a total dork for doing it, but I spent a good half hour figuring out what to wear for my forbidden excursion. I doubted Ethan would have cared about my outfit under normal circumstances, and he was even less likely to care now. But that didn’t stop me from changing three times. I finally decided on jeans, paired with a simple white button-down and a gorgeous, sinfully soft gray cashmere sweater my mom had bought me.

The outfit didn’t look terribly special—which was kinda the point. The last thing I wanted was for Ethan to think I’d dressed up for him, even if I had. On the plus side, if Ethan decided to give me a hug, he couldn’t help but like the delicious texture of the cashmere.

I rolled my eyes at myself as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, braiding my hair so it wouldn’t get all electric from my sweater. This wasn’t a date, or even anything that vaguely resembled one. I was going to talk to Ethan to see if I could find out what was wrong, and that meant the chances of him enjoying the softness of the cashmere were slim to none.

I waited until after eleven to prick my finger with the Erlking’s brooch. I was sure Ethan would still be up, but it was late enough that Finn might assume I’d gone to bed. Taking a deep breath for courage, I tiptoed through my living room and eased open the door to the guardroom.

Of course, with the magic of the Erlking’s brooch, I didn’t need to tiptoe. Finn was sitting in his recliner reading a magazine while the TV played soundlessly in the background. He didn’t look up from the magazine when the door opened, nor did he notice me when I walked right by him and opened the door to the tunnel system. Whatever the Erlking’s charm did, it made me not just invisible, but unnoticeable.

Taking a deep breath for courage, I switched on my flashlight and started down the tunnel.

There was an entrance to the tunnel system in the courtyard right outside Ethan’s apartment, but I hadn’t the faintest idea how to get there from my safe house. Nor, come to think of it, would I have been able to lift the hatch that concealed the entrance from view. Which meant I had to take the long way. The Erlking had said the effects of his brooch would last for a half hour, so I kept myself moving at a brisk pace. I had more than enough time, but with my sense of direction, I had to allow for a wrong turn or two along the way.

There were a couple of nightlife hot spots—like The Deep—in Avalon, but for the most part the streets were practically deserted after dark. As I exited the tunnel system and started making my way down Avalon’s main road, I saw only the occasional car, and even fewer pedestrians. The streets had never been lively at night, but I think they were even less so now, when everyone knew the Wild Hunt was in town.

I made good time, and for once I didn’t get lost. I had a good ten minutes to spare by the time I rounded a corner and saw the student housing complex in which both Ethan and Kimber lived. There was a light on in Ethan’s apartment, and a shadow moved across the curtained front window. He was definitely home and awake. Now that I was here, however, I struggled against an almost unbearable urge to turn around and run away.

What if Ethan flat-out didn’t want to see me? To have him not return my calls hurt bad enough, but if he told me to go away, I thought I might die on the spot. And then an even worse thought occurred to me: what if he wasn’t alone? If he opened the door and I saw another girl in there …

“Oh, cut it out!” I grumbled to myself. I didn’t really believe he had a girl in there, not after what Kimber had said about how gloomy he was acting. And I hadn’t dragged myself out here in the middle of the night just to stand in the courtyard and stare at his window like a lovesick puppy.

With worries and doubts clamoring for attention in my head, I forced my feet forward, then climbed the concrete stairs that led to the second floor. I gave myself another silent pep talk as I stood in front of Ethan’s door, my stomach doing nervous flip-flops and my heart beating double-time.

I knocked on the door quietly at first. Then, when no one answered, I knocked a little louder. I held my breath, sure Ethan would have heard me this time, but he didn’t come to the door. I was about to knock a third time, but I noticed the little doorbell button and rang it instead. The bell rang, and moments later I heard footsteps coming my way. Once again, I held my breath.

The door swung open, and Ethan stood framed in the light from his apartment. He was wearing a wrinkled, faded T-shirt over torn jeans. His hair was badly tousled, and the pallor of his skin made the blue stag tattoo look almost black in contrast. And yet he still took my breath away. I had come impossibly close to losing him forever, without ever having had a chance to sort out how I felt about him, and I wasn’t planning to make the same mistake twice.

“Hi,” I said with a nervous smile, my palms sweating. “Sorry to stop by so late, but…”

Except Ethan looked right through me, as if I weren’t there. The corners of his mouth tugged down in a frown, and he shook his head. Then he swung his door shut without saying a word.

The pain that stabbed through me at his unequivocal rejection was like nothing else I’d ever felt before. I’d thought seeing him at the dance with another girl was bad, but having him shut me out without even a word was nearly unbearable. I’d get angry about it later, when I thought of what I’d done to save him from the Wild Hunt and how completely ungrateful he was, but for now I felt nothing but aching hurt.

I turned around, determined not to cry, and started heading for the stairs. I checked my watch to see how much longer I had until the magic of the Erlking’s brooch wore off, and that’s when reality smacked me upside the head and surprised a nearly hysterical laugh out of me.

Duh! Arawn had said his charm would hide me from people even if they happened to bump into me, that it wasn’t just invisibility. Ethan had looked through me like that because he couldn’t see me—or hear me.

I felt giddy with relief, and for a moment I thought my knees were going to give out on me. I leaned against the wall outside Ethan’s door and breathed slowly in and out, calming myself little by little. Then I watched the second hand on my watch tick-tick-tick away the time until the Erlking’s spell wore off.

When the thirty minutes were up, I waited a little longer, just in case the duration of the spell was approximate, but standing outside in full view of anyone who chanced to see made me too uneasy. The chances that one of my enemies would just happen to see me here for the couple minutes I was visible were extremely slim, but I didn’t exactly have nerves of steel.

I rang the doorbell once again. This time when Ethan’s footsteps approached, his tread sounded heavy, like he was stomping instead of just walking. He flung open the door, and magic prickled against my skin. His face was twisted into a fierce scowl, an expression I’d never seen him wear before, and his hands were fisted at his sides. The sensation of magic intensified, and my mouth dropped open as I realized he was about to cast some kind of spell. I didn’t think it was going to be anything nice, either.

Ethan’s eyes locked on my face, and there was no doubt he saw me this time. The magic fizzled and died, and the scowl faded to a more neutral, guarded expression.

“Dana?” he asked, as if he couldn’t quite believe his eyes.

Nerves made me shove my hands in my pockets and hunch my shoulders. “In the flesh.”

He blinked a couple of times, then glanced around the landing, taking in the fact that there were no bodyguards in sight.

“Idiot,” he said under his breath, then grabbed my arm in a grip hard enough to bruise and yanked me over the threshold, banging the door shut behind him.

I was too shocked by his behavior to manage a protest. I thought sure he was going to apologize for manhandling me like that, but instead he shoved me against the wall of the foyer and shook his finger in my face.

“Stay here!” he ordered, then stomped into the living room and yanked on the curtains, trying to close the tiny gap between them.

Kimber hadn’t been kidding when she said he wasn’t acting like himself. I ignored his order and followed him into the living room, resisting the urge to rub the soon-to-be bruises on my arm.

“Stop messing with the curtains,” I told him. “No one’s going to see me through that gap.”

He let go of the curtains with an irritated grunt. He turned to face me, but his eyes were focused just over my left shoulder, like he couldn’t bear to look at me. “What the hell are you doing here?” he growled.

This was definitely not the reception I’d been hoping for, and I felt every shred of my self-confidence draining out through my toes. I felt like some geeky little schoolgirl who had a pathetic crush on a guy way out of her league. I tried not to let that show on my face.

“You wouldn’t return my calls,” I said, then hated myself for sounding so needy. He’d been giving me a not-so-subtle hint when he’d refused to call me back. Why hadn’t I paid attention?

“Jesus, Dana! Half the world would like to see you dead, and you decide it’s a good time to go wandering the streets of Avalon all by yourself late at night? Do you have a death wish, or are you just mental?”

Every word he said was like a knife in my heart. He must have been playing me all along, I realized. No way could he be this horribly cruel to me if he’d ever really cared about me. I’d come here expecting him to be unhappy with me, though I’d assumed it would have something to do with the Erlking. I hadn’t for a moment expected him to be like this.

I could have defended myself and told him about the Erlking’s charm. I didn’t like letting him think I was stupid enough to ditch my bodyguard without any other form of protection. But explaining would have meant hanging around, and I didn’t have the stomach for it.

“If I’d known this was how you were going to be, I’d have let the Erlking keep you,” I said, and had the satisfaction of seeing Ethan wince. I didn’t mean it, of course. An immortal lifetime of slavery was a bit of a harsh punishment for being an asshole. But I’d been getting into a nasty habit of lashing out lately, and right now I didn’t have any inclination to break myself of it.

“Sorry I bothered you,” I continued, turning toward the door. “I’ll try to get back home without getting myself killed, but you know since I’m a crazy moron with a death wish, I can’t make any promises.”

I grabbed the doorknob, but before I had a chance to turn it, Ethan quickly crossed the distance between us and grabbed me. Once again, he shoved me up against the wall, only this time he stayed right there in my personal space, one hand planted on the wall on each side of my head. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something—from the look on his face, it wasn’t going to be anything I wanted to hear—but no words came out.

My heart was still aching from his less-than-welcoming reception, but even so, I couldn’t help noticing the faint, woodsy scent that clung to him. Nor could I help noticing the warmth of his body so close to mine, or the intense teal blue of his eyes. He leaned closer to me, and at first I thought he was about to kiss me, and my pulse started hammering for reasons other than anger.

But instead of kissing me, he merely touched his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. I didn’t quite know what to make of the gesture. I told myself I was relieved that I’d been wrong about his intentions, but my body wasn’t buying it. My skin felt tight and tingly, and my pulse kept rocketing. Without conscious thought, my hands somehow made their way up to Ethan’s waist, the touch tentative in case I was misinterpreting his signals.

He moved even closer to me, making it easier for my arms to slide all the way around him. He raised his head, and our gazes locked. There was a whole lot of desire in his expression, but there was something else, too. Something I didn’t understand, but that I instinctively didn’t like.

I was going to ask him what was wrong, but before I had a chance, he was bending his head toward mine again, his slightly parted lips telegraphing his intentions and leaving no doubts in my mind. No doubts, and no thoughts, period. I forgot why I’d come here in the first place, forgot all my mixed feelings about him, forgot how harshly he’d spoken to me.

When his lips touched mine, I couldn’t help the little gasp that escaped me. His lips were so soft and warm, his touch delicate without being tentative. It was the lightest of kisses, a bare brushing of lips, and yet it tingled through every nerve in my body.

“More,” I whispered against his mouth, and he obliged me by deepening the kiss. My arms tightened around him, fingers kneading his back as I opened my mouth and invited him in.

The little moan that escaped him when he took his first taste sent a thrill through me from head to toe. His hands were no longer on the wall. One cupped the side of my face, holding my head at just the right angle to receive his kiss. The other rested on my waist, right above the waistband of my jeans. As his tongue began exploring the inside of my mouth, the hand on my waist began stroking up and down my side. His thumb brushed against the side of my breast with each stroke, and it didn’t even occur to me to mind.

Feeling uncommonly bold, I skimmed my hands down his back until I found the edge of his T-shirt, then slipped them underneath until I found bare skin. His body was deliciously warm, his skin soft as silk. His breath hitched at the touch, but it was nothing that even vaguely resembled a protest.

I guess Ethan was feeling pretty bold, too, because his hand moved from my side to my front. He was still stroking up and down, moving slowly, making sure I had plenty of time to realize where that hand was headed and put a stop to things. But I didn’t.

My back arched almost against my will when his hand cupped my breast. The touch was muffled by the sweater, shirt, and bra, but that didn’t stop my nipples from tightening into hard little buds, nor did it stop the heat that gathered in my center.

Ethan’s movements were less controlled now. His lips pressed against mine almost too hard, and he was no longer satisfied to feel me with so many layers between us. His hands bunched in the sweater and the shirt, shoving both up practically to my chin and exposing my bra.

He moved a little too fast for me, fast enough to let my mind clear for half a second while I tried to decide whether this was going too far. That half a second was all I needed to bring my common sense back on line.

Something was wrong with Ethan, I remembered suddenly. Kimber had noticed it, and I’d seen it, too, when he’d first yanked me in the door. Now was not the time for us to be exploring our mutual attraction, no matter what our bodies wanted. Ethan had tried to take advantage of me once before, and I worried that in his current state, he might not do too well at controlling himself if I let things get out of hand.

His hands had slipped around to my back as he tried to unhook my bra, but though a part of me was more than willing to take another step into the wild side, the wiser part of me stayed in control. I couldn’t talk with his tongue in my mouth, so I settled for putting my hands on his chest and giving him a push.

Ethan made a sound deep in his throat, half growl, half groan, and though he stopped fumbling with my bra clasp, he didn’t take his hands away, nor did he stop kissing me. There was no denying the arousal that lingered in my blood, but now that I’d started thinking again, I couldn’t shut that part of my brain back down.

I had a lot of reasons not to fully trust Ethan, but even so I didn’t believe he’d force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. My fear was that his powers of persuasion and my own desires would once again sweep my common sense away and I would forget why I had to stop. And I did have to stop. After all, my agreement with the Erlking meant I couldn’t go all the way without losing Ethan forever.

It was only at that moment that I really understood just how insidious the agreement was. If somehow all the problems between us melted away and I wanted to sleep with Ethan, I’d have to go to Arawn’s bed first. Call me crazy, but I didn’t think Ethan—or any other boy, for that matter—was going to like that idea. I was so screwed. In a manner of speaking.

I pushed harder on Ethan’s chest, the mood now completely spoiled by my train of thought. The gesture would probably have been more convincing if I could have stopped myself kissing back, but it felt so damn good … This, I decided, was my first real kiss, a kiss untainted by magic.

I made a murmur of protest as I kept trying to push Ethan away. If he’d persisted even a moment longer, I was sure I’d find the willpower to turn my head, but he finally decided my “stop” signal took precedence over my “go” signal. He tore his mouth from mine, and I had a moment to register the look of frustrated anger on his face as he took a step backward and turned away from me.

I was being a total tease, even though I didn’t mean to be. I opened my mouth to say something to smooth things over, but no words came to me. I didn’t think explaining the sacrifice I’d had to make to win Ethan’s freedom would improve the situation.

“I’m sorry,” I finally said, feeling wretched as I pulled my shirt and sweater back down.

Ethan turned back to me abruptly, his eyes wide with surprise. “What on earth for?”

I blinked stupidly. He looked like he meant it, but I hadn’t imagined the anger I’d seen on his face before he’d turned away. “I didn’t mean to lead you on,” I said in a tiny voice that hardly sounded like my own. It wasn’t like me to be this tentative, but nothing in my life up till now had prepared me for dealing with Ethan.

He reached out and put both hands on my shoulders, giving them a firm squeeze. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Again, he radiated sincerity.

“Then why were you so angry?”

He let go of my shoulders and leaned against the wall opposite me. “I wasn’t angry at you,” he assured me. “Look, I know you’re not … experienced. I know better than to go so fast.”

My cheeks flamed, and I found myself unable to meet his eyes. I kept letting myself forget how out of my league Ethan was. He was used to mature, experienced women, and right now I felt like a little girl, way more than two years younger than him.

Ethan wasn’t looking at me at that moment, so he didn’t see the shame that flooded me, and he kept on talking. “I shouldn’t even have kissed you, not in the state I’m in right now.”

The idea that he thought kissing me was a mistake sliced painfully through my chest, but I forced myself to focus on the more important part of what he’d said. “What state are you in right now?” This was, after all, the reason I’d come to see him despite the virtual DO NOT DISTURB sign he’d put out.

“I’m just … not myself,” he said evasively, his eyes not quite meeting mine.

“What do you mean?”

He stood up straight, pushing away from the wall. “Hey, would you like something to drink? There’s no reason for us to stand around in the hallway like this. Come in and sit down.”

“Subtle,” I said, but when I saw the look of near panic in his eyes, I backed off. “I’ll take a Coke if you have it.”

“Yeah. Sure. Have a seat. I’ll be right back.”

He ducked into the kitchen before I could answer. I was tempted to follow him, but I sensed it would be wiser to give him a little space. He might have just slammed the conversational door in my face, but the fact that he wanted me to stick around gave me hope. Maybe he wasn’t yet ready to tell me what was wrong, but it wasn’t impossible he’d nerve himself up to it before the night was through.

Smoothing my sweater down to make sure my clothing was all back to rights, I slipped into the living room and plopped down on the very masculine leather sofa.