Ripple

Chapter Twenty-Six

A week after the festival, Sienna’s blue coupe follows Nikki’s dark Mitsubishi sedan up a particularly winding part of Route 101. The sky above us is black with storm clouds. It’s a particularly dangerous part of the highway. The cliffs hug the road to our left; the ocean licks at the rocks below to our right, at least fifty feet down. There won’t be a real shoulder for at least another half mile.

It’s unbelievably dark, and yet the sun won’t set for another hour.

Erik and I are crammed in the backseat of Sienna’s coupe as we follow the two cars ahead, their headlights illuminating the pavement in front of our caravan. Hip-hop blares from Sienna’s speakers as Erik’s hand rests on my knees. It’s too loud to talk to Erik, but we smile at each other in the darkness, trusting our lives to Sienna’s marginal driving skills.

Up ahead, a red blinker flashes, and taillights flare brighter. Sienna slows, turning off the road and driving through a rusted open old gate, barely hanging on by one hinge. Dilapidated wire fencing sags between old iron T posts, mostly obscured by the overgrown reedy grass that grows this close to the ocean.

Our caravan glides quietly up the gravel, winding back and forth on a few lazy switchbacks. The headlights illuminate secluded spots of the sparse grassy hillside until a wide, empty gravel lot opens up. The two cars in front of us pull up next to each other, and then Sienna does the same. “We’re here,” she says, glancing back at us as she turns off the radio. Patrick throws his door open and yanks his seat forward to allow us to climb out.

Outside the car, I watch as six of my classmates—Nikki included—pile out of the other cars. I am inordinately happy that Cole isn’t here tonight. I haven’t figured out yet if something is going on between him and Nikki. And frankly, if it is, I don’t want to know.

One of the guys lets loose with a ridiculous coyote screech, his hands above his head in a rock-on kind of signal.

Erik and I follow the others to this evening’s destination.

The lighthouse.

But this lighthouse isn’t exactly serving its original function. It juts into the dark sky, completely black, devoid of ... anything. It’s engulfed in total blackness, has been for at least a decade.

Patrick, Brian, and Danny all switch flashlights on.

Erik leans in, whispers into my ear, “Sorry. I didn’t get the memo about the flashlights.”

I grin up at him in the gray of the evening light. “It’s okay. I forgive you.”

We manage to find each other’s hands in the darkness and to interlace our fingers. Ahead, the storm clouds seem to have closed in on the lighthouse. It’s as if it has disappeared right into the clouds.

We walk in silence, and soon my sneakers hit pavement. The last two hundred feet before the backdoor is a crooked, cracked old sidewalk.

“Are you guys sure this place is still unlocked?” someone asks. Nikki mutters something I can’t quite make out. To my left, Kristi giggles.

I haven’t been in a group like this in a while. At Sienna’s, it’s easy to detach from everyone, find a quiet room. But today, we’re all together, all on the same mission. And in the darkness, no one separates from the pack.

Right on time, the ground rumbles with thunder. “Told you,” Sienna says, throwing a look over her shoulder.

Excited whispers mount as we reach the only door to the lighthouse. Nikki stops, her hand on the knob, and glances back at all of us. Then she purses her lips and turns back to the door, twisting at the knob.

It swings open.

“Yes!” Sienna jumps up and hugs Patrick. I let out the air I’d been holding.

We file one by one through the entry, and by the time I get inside, a whole line of people are already climbing the old steel-grate steps. The stairs wind around and around in a lazy spiral, all the way to the top.

I wait in silence for a second. Then I grab the rusted wrought iron and follow my friends up, the steps groaning and creaking under our collective weight.

It must take ten minutes for our whole group to make it to the top. Beams of flashlights bounce around inside the cylindrical area as we wind around and around the spiral staircase.

And then Nikki finds another door to push, and we emerge onto the platform. It’s just as dark here as it was below. The electrical system is totally shot—not only do the spotlights not work, but neither do the overhead lights.

We fan out around the windows, stare out at the ocean raging against the rocky cliffs below us. The wind has been picking up, and the sea is frothing white.

Lightning streaks across the horizon. Nikki shrieks and jerks back, away from the window. Someone laughs.

We used to come up here all the time, the whole group of us. Whenever the weather people predicted a storm, we’d all pile in a car and come up to the old abandoned lighthouse on the bluffs. Most of the time, the “storm” turned out to be nothing, a boring false alarm. But after we saw real lightning for the first time, we were all hooked. The dark magic of Mother Nature was enough to keep us coming back, over and over.

Erik and I hang back, and he pulls me closer, leans in close enough that his lips brush my earlobe. “This is amazing,” he says, as the air around us crackles with a thunder boom.

I nod. “I know.”

A bolt of lightning streaks across the ocean.

“I meant us,” he says, his voice lower than ever.

I smile, then turn to meet his eyes.

“I know.”

If it seemed like the atmosphere at school a few weeks ago had shifted, today it feels like the entire world flipped around, turned inside out.

I walk in, and Nikki smiles and waves at me. “Last night rocked,” she says, rushing by. She twists around and walks backward so we can maintain eye contact. “We are so doing it again!”

I grin at her as she dashes out the door toward the gym. She has first-period PE. I know, because she’s bitched about it for two weeks straight. It ruins her hair or something.

I head to my locker and am inches away when Brian, one of the guys from last night walks by. He nods at me, a happy, slightly tired smile on his face. “Last night was epic!” he says, giving me a fist bump as he passes. “Next time we’re staying overnight!”

I laugh. I hope by then, my curse will be gone. Every night I go swimming, I hope it’s one of the last times.

It’s hard to imagine, but it could happen. I turn back to the lock, spinning it twice toward the right when I feel hands wrap around my waist. Before I can react, a warm cheek presses against my face. “So this is what it’s like, huh?”

I turn at the husky voice and smile. Erik’s hair is wild and loose today, and like the others, he looks a little tired but happy.

“What?”

His grin gets bigger. “Being one of them. Being normal.”

I smile and nod. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“Pretty awesome, huh?”

I sigh, totally content inside these four walls for the first time in a long time. “Yeah. I’d have to agree.”

“And homecoming is this weekend?”

I grin. “Yeah. Saturday.”

“Great. See you at lunch?”

I nod, and before I can say a word, he brushes his lips against my cheek and disappears into the crowd.

I turn back to my locker.

Homecoming.

Something I thought I’d never have.

And now it’s mine.

I’m standing in Sienna’s bedroom, surrounded by her pale pink walls. Sienna is in the attached bathroom, clanging around in the cabinets, searching for the perfect shade of lip gloss. As if she ever wears anything but cherry.

I can’t stop staring at myself in the mirror, at the green silk dress I bought over two years ago on a whim. It’s knee length, with a sweetheart neckline and an open back that makes me feel a little exposed.

Fifteen-year-old Lexi didn’t mind being a little daring.

I remember buying this dress, the last weekend before school started for our sophomore year. Sienna talked me into it. Oh, sure, I loved it, would have jumped at the chance to wear it, but I only wanted to go to homecoming if Steven asked me. Sienna had no idea that’s who I was waiting on, and how could I tell her?

And it was too soon to know if that fantasy would come true. That camping trip had been a week prior, and it seemed as if he liked me, but I was afraid I was reading too much into it.

God, I wanted it to be true. I wanted to discover that he did feel for me the way I felt for him. And I was afraid buying this dress—beautiful as it was—would jinx it somehow.

But I can’t blame the dress for how all that worked out. I spin around, watch the fabric swirl around my knees, moving like the ocean.

Someone outside honks, and I take a few steps back to peer out the window. It’s the limo, shiny black, shimmering under the spotlights mounted over the garage doors.

I walk to the door. “Sienna! Are you ready?”

She steps out of the bathroom, and it’s hard not to stare. She’s wearing a red satin dress with a short ruffled skirt that has black streaks running through it. The top has only one strap, the other shoulder bare. Her platinum hair is pulled up in a French twist that would look severe on anyone else. On her it looks elegant, understated in comparison to the outrageous dress. Topping it off is the simple diamond pendant dangling on a delicate silver chain.

The only jewelry I’m wearing is the blue and teal bracelet, which strangely, seems more green when matched with the dress, and a simple pear of pearl earrings my grandmother loaned me. She was so excited about me going to homecoming, I think she wanted to give me every piece of jewelry she owned.

“Do I look okay?”

I grin. “You look hot as hell, and you know it. Patrick won’t know what hit him.”

She smiles back at me. “You look perfect.”

“Thanks.” I look down at my dress, smoothing out wrinkles that aren’t there. Tonight is about reclaiming what I lost, and I hope I can pull it off.

I slip on a pair of white strappy heels, unconcerned with their height. Erik is so much taller than me, it doesn’t matter how many inches they are. Sienna and I make our way to the front door, our high heels clicking on the hardwood floors.

“We have to pick up Nikki on the way,” Sienna says.

I nod, try not to wonder who she’s going to homecoming with.

When we step into the cool October air, Erik and Patrick are climbing out of the limo. Erik looks like something on the posters outside the Tux Shop. His shoulders, chest, and arms perfectly fill out a jacket that would look loose and bulky on anyone else. Down to the shiny black shoes, he looks every inch the gentleman.

I find myself beaming as I walk up to him. He fits right into my fantasies. In his hands is a clear plastic box, and inside is a white iris surrounded by baby’s breath. He’s beaming, and any trace of butterflies disappears as I smile back.

It might be supernatural, this connection we have, but it’s still real. He knows me in a way no one else ever has.

He pops the box open and retrieves the corsage. He secures it on my wrist, his fingers skimming along my skin. A different kind of butterflies spring forth. “You look stunning,” he says.

“Thanks.”

He leans down, tipping my chin back with his finger, and places a quick kiss on my lips. My jawline tingles where his fingers touched me. I’m smiling again. This can’t be real. It’s a fairy tale, something I thought I’d never have. But just like all the other fantasies—regular dates, visits to the lighthouse—it’s real, something Erik has given me.

We climb into the limo, and I slide over to let Erik sit next to me. He puts a hand on my knee, and I can feel the heat of it through the satin skirt.

“Thanks for coming,” I say.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He gives my knee a little squeeze.

Nikki’s house isn’t far from Sienna’s; it’s just down on River Walk Loop, a slightly less expensive version of Sienna’s street.

I’m spacing out a little bit—marveling at the way my life has changed in just a month—when the limo pulls to a stop. I look out at the couple standing just beyond the expansive tinted windows—I can see them, but they can’t see me—and what I see makes my blood run cold.

Nikki’s date.

It’s Cole. No. She can’t do that to me.

He wouldn’t do that to me.

But he did. He’s standing right there with her.

Erik’s grip on my knee tightens just a little. He’s steady as a rock, next to me, as if he knows my insides are swirling painfully.

It’s stifling in the limo as Cole swings the door open, and the two of them climb in, Cole’s lanky frame bent over in the confines of the vehicle. He slides in next to Sienna, across from Erik and me. I avoid his eyes, but he keeps staring, as if he wants me to meet his look. As if he wants to see the hurt he’s caused.

This is his revenge. I rubbed Erik in his face, and now he has Nikki to get me right back.

Nikki ignores me, putting her hand on Cole’s thigh. “Thanks so much for my corsage. It’s beautiful.”

It’s also a white iris, same as mine. My matching corsage burns on my wrist. There are only a few florists in town, but somehow I feel pathetic, wearing the same corsage as her. I want to yank it off my wrist and fling it across the limo.

Instead I sit quietly, my fingernails digging into my palm. Nikki seems to have finally picked up on the same unfortunate coincidence, because she’s staring at her corsage, her eyes flickering over to me. I shift in the seat, glad that the high school is so close. I don’t think I can handle being in this enclosed space for much longer. It’s far too hot in here.

The second we arrive in the school lot, I nearly fall out of the car in a desperate attempt to get away from Cole and Nikki. Erik swoops in just in time to grab my arm and right me before I land on my knees.

“Are you okay?” he murmurs under his breath, close to my ear. His eyes dart back to Cole as if to tell me what he’s really asking. I nod and let him maneuver his arm so he’s escorting me instead of holding me up. It’s a little cool for a short, flimsy gown like this, but it feels good after the claustrophobic heat of the limo.

We make our way across the concrete and through the glass double doors, our stiff formal shoes filling the air. Although I don’t know for sure, I imagine Cole and Nikki boring holes into the back of my head with their eyes. They must have bonded over their equal hatred of me.

When we enter the already crowded school gym, I nod at Sienna even as I flee for safety within the crowd. My movements are erratic, but Erik never lets go of my arm.

He knows why I’m freaking out, and I feel terrible, putting him in this position. He knows he was the consolation prize, and I must be hurting him right now with my reaction. I try to get a hold of myself, but I just can’t quite do it.

Even though I dumped Cole, somehow I never thought I’d have to see him with someone else. Sure, he was at the carnival, but I’d convinced myself they were there as friends. Somehow, I pictured him pining over me forever, as stupid as that sounds.

I wonder if he’ll pick up his old girl-a-week habit because of me. If he’ll go back to using girls the way he did before Steven died.

No, that’s giving me too much credit, and him not enough.

When we reach the center of the throng, Erik spins me around, stopping me mid-yank. He pulls my arms up to rest on his shoulders as he tugs me close, his hands on my lower back. I let him get as close as he wants. I close my eyes and lean my face against Erik’s wide chest. He smells like the ocean, fresh and a little briny. He must have left the windows open again in his house to smell so strongly like the sea.

I begin to unwind, as Erik and I sway to the music. Our motions are much slower than those of the couples around us. An electric, calming current seems to run between us.

“I know who he is to you,” Erik finally murmurs.

“He’s no one,” I say, my voice barely audible above the music. It cracks. He knows the truth, so there’s no use hiding it.

Erik softly squeezes. “I’m sorry it has to be like this.”

“Me too.”

We sway for a few moments in silence. “I fell in love once,” he says.

I pull just far enough back to look up at Erik. His blue eyes have darkened like a storm, and he’s looking at nothing in particular, lost in a memory.

“Her name was Kate. She was beautiful.”

“What happened?”

Erik blinks and looks down at me, frowning. It doesn’t look quite right on him—I’ve grown used to that smile of his. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

He shakes his head, then pulls me closer again, until his chin rests on the top of my head. “How could it? I knew I’d only have to leave her, hurt her. I had to find you.”

I swallow. “Oh.”

“I’m almost certain she felt the same way for me, but I’ll never know because I never let myself talk to her. It would have only taken one conversation, I’m sure of it, before I wouldn’t have been able to leave her side.”

“So you just watched her from afar? You don’t think she was worth . . . trying?”

I feel him shake his head, give me a squeeze. “It gets easier, making the right choices. It just takes a little time. This will be worth it, I promise.”

He pulls back enough that I can look up, see the sincere, adoring look in his eyes.

I thought I was over Cole. Everything with Erik has been going so well. I shouldn’t be freaking out like this ... Erik isn’t such a bad consolation prize, is he? I could fall for him, if I’d just stop thinking of Cole long enough to do it.

He pulls me close as one song melts into the next. I rest my cheek against the lapel of his tuxedo. His arms tighten around my waist, and we turn a little bit, giving me a clear view of the one person I wanted to avoid: Cole.

I feel a painful stab to the chest as I watch him dance with Nikki. His back is to me, but I’d recognize his hair anywhere. They aren’t dancing as closely as Erik and I are, but Nikki’s arms are draped loosely over his shoulders. As they turn, I take in the way his hands rest on her hips. A weird, possessive fire takes root. I want to walk over and shove him off her.

Erik picks up on the change and leans down to murmur in my ear. “Do you want to go get our pictures taken?”

“Sure.” I let his arms slide away from my waist, and we link hands, heading to the opposite side of the cafeteria. A short line has formed at the photo booth. It must be some kind of travel-theworld theme because one backdrop has Big Ben on it and another has the Eiffel tower.

We stand quietly, our fingers intertwined, waiting patiently for our turn. I look up at Erik and find myself smiling, despite it all.

Homecoming. Two years too late for Steven, but it finally arrived. It’s so much like what they show in the movies . . . and yet so different, too. So vibrant and alive. I feel as if I’m watching it through goggles, through a viewfinder, as if I’ll be able to rewind it and see it again and again.

Erik tugs my hand, and I follow him to the first available photo station, one with a giant Pyramid. We step up onto a white felt carpet. The photographer directs us so that Erik is standing behind me, his arms around my waist. My shoulders press back into his chest. I smile for the camera, a wide genuine smile, and the bright flash momentarily blinds me.

“Thank you. Your photographs will be ready on Monday at the main office.” He hands me a slip with a number on it. I hand it to Erik, and he tucks it into the pocket of his slacks.

Erik pulls back the sleeve on his suit jacket. “I think we were going to dinner at eight,” he says. “Should we find the others?”

“Sure. I’m starving,” I say. “I didn’t even catch where we were going, did you?”

“Barini’s? Barelli’s? Something like that.”

I freeze.

His eyes narrow. “What? Is it no good?”

I shake my head, try to get rid of the pressure in my chest. “It’s not the food. It’s . . . it’s on the waterfront.”

I’m not tempted to pull Erik into the water, but I still swim and sing every night, and I don’t know if I can handle sitting at a table with Cole and Patrick. And I don’t want to find out.

His lips part, and he stands there for a second, as thrown off balance as I am. And then, “I’ll take care of it.”

“How?”

He leans in close, his gaze piercing mine. “Just give me ten minutes. Meet me at the door where we came in, okay?”

I nod, and then he gives my hand a squeeze before pushing his way through the crowd.

I’m standing in the entry to the cafeteria, arms crossed at my chest, when Sienna walks up. “Can you believe that?”

“Uh, no? What?” I glance at Erik, who trails behind her. He gives me a “just go along with it” sort of look.

“I made those reservations three weeks ago. How can they just give away our table like that?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. That sucks.”

Sienna turns to look at Erik. “What made you think to call and check?”

He juts a thumb over his shoulder. “I heard a group of people talking about it when we were in line for pictures. Apparently, they overbooked the dining room. There was a big rehearsal dinner or something.”

Sienna harrumphs. “I should call them, demand that they accommodate us.”

Kristi shrugs. She has on a pretty, powder blue strapless dress. When she crosses her arms, it pushes her almost-there chest up. “I don’t know . . . I told you I don’t like seafood, but I was overruled. I think this is a sign you should have listened.” She gives Sienna a pointed look. She loves that we can’t go to Barelli’s.

Nikki steps up, Cole beside her. Is his hand on her waist? I can’t tell, without leaning over and being super obvious. “Where are we going to go then?”

Patrick nudges Sienna with his shoulder. “How about that fifties diner on Alder street?”

Sienna scoffs. “It’s a breakfast diner. We’d have to eat pancakes.” She pauses and motions to her attire. “And we’re obscenely overdressed.”

“I don’t know. That sounds kind of funny,” Erik says. “Way more memorable than a fancy restaurant. Everyone goes somewhere fancy for homecoming.”

Kristi grins. “Pancakes sound awesome right about now.”

Sienna raises a brow and gives us all a skeptical look. As annoyed as she is over the circumstances, I can tell she loves that she’s in charge. “Seriously? I guess it does sound kind of fun. Everyone will stare, of course, because who eats pancakes in tuxedoes?” She purses her lips. The idea is growing on her. “What do you think?”

She’s looking at me. I grin, relief flooding through me. “I’m in.”

“Okay, the diner on Alder it is,” she says. “I can’t believe we’re having pancakes for homecoming dinner.”

She turns around and leads the way out of the dance, a queen with her head held high. Erik joins me at the back of the group. The sound of the music disappears behind us as we leave the dance.

“Thank you,” I mouth.

“You’re welcome,” he whispers, squeezing my hand.

We end up at an enormous U-shaped table, the biggest booth at the diner. Sienna was right, of course; the other patrons keep shooting us looks, trying to figure out what a bunch of kids in tuxedoes and ball gowns are doing at a diner where the priciest meal costs $8.99.

Not surprisingly, Sienna’s getting a total kick out of all the attention. And I’m so relieved to be this far from the shore that I can’t stop smiling either. I have to stop myself from saying thank you to Erik about a thousand times.

I don’t know what I would have done if my date had been anyone else. How I would have avoided eating dinner right on top of the ocean. Just thinking about it nearly sends me into full-on panic. But then I force myself back to the reality of Erik and the black-andwhite-checkered table in front of us, and all I feel is relief.

Patrick pulls a Trivial Pursuit question out of the giant box on the table. “In what month does the Kentucky Derby take place?”

“May!” Sienna shouts.

Kristi gives her a look.

“What? My parents go every year. My turn!” She picks up a card, then scowls. “Well this is lame,” she says. “What decade saw names first begin to appear on the back of NFL—”

“The fifties,” Erik answers without pause. “It was the 1950s.”

I think Cole just rolled his eyes, but I can’t tell from here.

“Impressive,” she says, shoving the card into the end of the box.

Before Erik can respond, the waitress walks up and gives us a stack of menus. As the others choose their drinks, I turn to Erik. “You like sports?”

He shrugs. “What guy doesn’t?”

“Huh. I didn’t realize you were so into football.”

He leans in, lowers his voice. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” He whispers in my ear. “But you have plenty of time to learn.”

He’s right. We have all the time in the world. Yet for some reason, the idea makes me feel a little restless. “I’m going to go to the restroom. I’ll be right back.”

I slide out of the booth and walk around the big L-shaped counter, ducking into the bathroom at the back of the restaurant. I don’t actually have to use the restroom, so I just wash my hands, staring at my decked-out reflection in the mirror. I marvel at how pretty the dress is. I spin around, admiring it. When I come to a stop, though, it feels a little melancholy.

I was supposed to wear this for Steven.

I dry my hands, tossing the paper towel into the trashcan as I exit the bathroom.

I nearly walk right into Cole.

“Oh!” I start, then back up. I go to move past him, but he touches my arm, and I go still.

“It’s not real.”

“What?”

“Your smile. When you look at him. It’s nothing like the one you had for Steven.”

I look up at him, the breath gone from my lungs. “You’re just saying that because it’s not you.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t do that. Don’t pretend like I’m the only one who felt something.”

I cross my arms. “I’m with Erik, and you’re with Nikki.”

“I’m friends with Nikki.”

I hate the surge of relief I feel at his words. “It doesn’t matter.”

Cole leans in closer. “Why? Why doesn’t it matter? It’s the only thing that does matter.”

I scowl. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“And that pretty well sums up the problem, doesn’t it?”

Anger sparks inside me. “Why do you keep doing this?”

“Because I’ve wanted to be with you for three years, okay? That’s why.”

I feel as if he’s punched me in the stomach. “But that’s—”

“The day I met you. At Sienna’s house. Steven and I were playing Ping-Pong and you and Sienna walked in off the beach. You were twisting your wet hair up into a ponytail, and then you saw us, and you smiled. . . .”

“Then why didn’t you—”

“Because you were smiling for him. And I would have had to have been an idiot to get in between that. And that’s why I know whatever you feel for Erik, it’s nothing like what you had for Steven. And nothing like what I feel for you.”

I look away, blinking rapidly. “If you liked me for so long, why did you wait until now?”

Cole gives me a bitter smile. “Because even when he was dead, I couldn’t compete with Steven.”

I step away from him. “I need to go back to the table.” I don’t wait for him to respond.

After we’re all stuffed full of eggs, bacon, and pancakes, we pile back into the limo to go home. Erik’s house is the first stop, barely ten minutes away. The limo doesn’t fit in the small driveway, so it stops half in the street.

Before Erik climbs out, he turns to me. “Come over in the morning? For breakfast, part two?”

I nod, blushing as he leans in and kisses me in front of everyone. I can’t help but feel Cole’s eyes on me, watching as Erik steps out of the limo. I don’t have to look at him to know what his expression is.

The limo stays silent for the ride to my house, which thankfully only takes moments. I all but spring out, mumbling, “Thank you” and “I had a great time.” As quickly as I can, I slam the door so I won’t see Cole’s face behind the dark tint of the glass.

They all think I’m going to bed. Instead, I creep into the house, standing outside of my Gram’s door for a long moment, listening to the heavy snoring through her door.

Then I change my clothes, and minutes later I’m starting my car.

It’s time to swim.