HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

CHAPTER 60

According to the Encyclopaedia Galactica, religion is an evolutionary stage most races go through as a stepping stone to peace of mind or enlightenment. The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy describes religion as great fun if you pick the right one and goes on to recommend several religions, based on fulfilment, cheapness and extent of brainwashing. The Guide then goes on with the following description of the history of religion with a footnote to the effect that although the views expressed may not be those of the Editor, he'll agree to put anything in which is supported by a large drink.

Most religions follow the same basic path. It starts as an excuse for something which defies explanation, such as a nearby star, fire or water. As these things are understood, the energy channelled into worshipping has to be redirected, and as sophistication evolves, so does religion, to the extent of telling you what to do, what not to do, when to do it and at what time of year. As this usually involves something fun being forbidden, some people lose interest at this stage. Those who continue soon begin to lose sight of the original concept and diversification sets in to turn religion into what it is wanted to be (such the Holy Order of Sexual Enjoyment) rather than what was originally intended. This leads to disillusionment (except in the Holy Order of Sexual Enjoyment) and religion is generally given up, put down as 'One of those phases we went through', like teenage acne.

Some people still follow religions, one of the most famous people being Looleel Jegula. He was a devout follower of the Order of Sanctonimity, a particularly dull religious group who believed that three days a year should be devoted to lying in mud swamps to show how grateful they were to be alive. This resulted in much ridiculing by non-believers, until Looleel announced that he was going to travel back in time to meet his maker, thank him, and return with proof of his existence. He made a tearful farewell to his Order, stepped into his time bubble, which promptly disappeared into time. He returned moments later to declare that although he hadn't actually met his maker, he had come across a 'NO ENTRY' sign at the year zero, which he claimed was proof that some holy person had been around to erect it. The sign had, in fact, been put there by non-believers as a practical joke and when Looleel was told, a big row broke out about time travel and messing around with history. Looleel became very unreligious for one moment and thumped one of the non-believers, which started an almighty war.

After politics and the Babel Fish, religion is the third greatest cause of war ever known to the Galaxy.

As for religious diversification, a perfect example can be found on the desert planet of Stavromula Beta. The Stavromulans have a strange history, which needs to be explored to understand their complex religious rituals.

The Stavromulans are dwarf-like nomads, though this was not always the case. They are also half-stupid, which can be seen by the fact that although in certain areas they evolved very quickly, in most areas they remain positively backwards. For example, newspapers started at the same time as writing and could have evolved into something very sophisticated but remained at the level of gutter press because of the inferior intelligence of the readers. The most famous men in Stavromulan history were journalists. Each week these twelve journalists would meet up to discuss the week's stories and have a slap up meal. For Stavromulans, they were very intelligent, for they had vivid imaginations and created stories out of nothing. Normal Stavromulans had no imagination and, for example, would name their offspring with one name, then number any subsequent children. The children, being even more stupid, would always get their names wrong because they would be introduced, for example, as 'Our Second Bup'. The children would then call themselves 'Our second Bup' instead of Bup number two.

The journalists would generally create a few new stories over dinner and then whoever paid the bill would get the exclusive. This was fine until one night when no news was bad news. No stories came forth, and there was no-one to foot the bill. Then one bright journalist suggested creating a person to pay the bill. This went down very well and all that was needed was a name. Silence fell over the table, until one of those freak wormholes in space and time opened up and the name 'Arthur Dent' fell out. Now as all Stavromulan journalists were expert ventriloquists (because of their ability to talk out of orifices other than their mouths) each journalist assumed someone else said it.

"Our benefactor shall be called 'Our Third Ent'," declared one journalist and so this mystery character was created.

The journalists started leaving the restaurant, telling the waiter that 'Our Third Ent' was paying and he was currently throwing up in the toilet. The ruse worked and was continued for many weeks until after one meal (generally referred to as the Last Slap Up), a journalist called 'Our First Udaz' was hard up for a story and decided to do an article on a mystery man called 'Our Third Ent' who was conning free meals out of restaurant owners. The other journalists were furious and all started writing their own exclusive interviews with 'Our Third Ent', each defending his actions and trying to outdo each other. This went on for weeks, with '20 things we've made up about Our Third Ent' Articles and 'Our Third Ent bingo'. All this exposure (and the mystery as no-one really knew anything about him) made 'Our Third Ent' a national hero. When one journalist decided to end the saga by reporting that 'Our Third Ent' had gone away but would return one day, all other papers gladly followed the story with confirmations, as they were all tired of it as well. However, this wasn't the end. The public were so caught up in the stories, they believed that when 'Our Third Ent' returned, he would save the world. Quite what was up with the world that it needed saving wasn't known, but the newspaper articles had changed Stavromulan history. The economy disappeared overnight as everyone decided to follow 'Our Third Ent's' example and not pay for anything. The people became nomadic, leaving before any bills arrived, building mighty roads out of bricks made from the yellow sands of the deserts. Throwing up became a regular ritual.

So the foundations of Stavromulan religion were laid, but as everyone read different newspapers, they all had different ideas of 'Our Third Ent's' life on Stavromula and what it would be like when he returned, and so were the various religious sects formed. Some believed 'Our Third Ent' would bring sexual freedom on his return and this sect made love on three 'Our Third Ent' newspaper articles, twice a month, as a sign of faith. Others believed he would settle up all his bills, then find a nice young girl to marry. This sect would spend one day in every eighteen thrashing nice young single girls with a newspaper in preparation.

Twelve sects were formed from the twelve newspapers and although they showed the faith in various ways, all believed in what was widely known as 'The Second Sitting of Our Third Ent.'