HHGTTG - The Lost Chapters

CHAPTER 59

"Are you sure we are in the right place?" Asked Bolo, looking around at the luscious forest surrounding them. They were in an idyllic clearing by a small crystal clear pond.

"This is the main computer room," said Marvin. "It's a new concept in organic computers."

"You mean this is a computer?" Asked Trillian. "It's a lot better looking than Eddie."

"Arthur would love it," giggled Fenchurch, thinking of time spent in the wooded section of Hyde Park.

"It is based on the fact that most life forms feel relaxed in these surroundings," droned Marvin. "They call it 'user friendly', oh, how I hate that term."

"But how do we key in information?" Asked Trillian.

"You don't," snapped Marvin and broke into song.

"I talk to the trees,

but they don't listen to me.

A spectographic analysis of my voice, is compared to countless voice patterns in memory.

"On parity, they listen to me."

The girls were stunned into silence.

"Well, that's how the adverts were going to run," said Marvin, almost ashamedly. "But they found they wouldn't be able to offer maintenance support. Something to do with there not being enough lumberjacks and gardeners qualified in computer engineering. So they connected the only working model up here and the executives use it to talk to the computers. Give me the days when you could depress a key."

"I think it's romantic," said Fenchurch, putting a daisy in her hair.

"I wish we could have one on the Heart of Gold," sighed Trillian.

"I wish I could throw up," said Marvin.

"Thank you Marvin," said Trillian. "Right, we've got to stop this computer instructing the devices to overthrow the Universe. How do we do it, Marvin?"

"You want to do it, you work out how to do it."

"Okay Marvin, if you want to be like that." Trillian turned her back on him.

"I don't want to be like anything," muttered Marvin.

"Can you understand us?" Shouted Bolo.

"Look!" Said Fenchurch, pointing to the pond. The word 'YES' appeared in the water.

"Are you connected up to every Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device in the Universe?" Asked Fenchurch.

The word 'YES' reappeared.

"And you can instruct them to take over the Universe?" Said Bolo.

The word came back again.

"If we gave you an irreversible instruction never to communicate with any device every again, would you do it?" Asked Trillian.

The pond went blank as this was being considered.

I WOULDN T HAVE MUCH CHOICE, I WOULD eventually floated up.

"Okay, you must never communicate with another Sirius Cybernetics Corporation device again after you send not this instruction," said Trillian, looking at the others. "Instruct all devices never to carry out any instruction to overthrow the Universe."

ALL DEVICES INSTRUCTED AND ALL CONNECTIONS TERMINATED floated up. Trillian didn't realise that she had just committed the computer to a lifetime of celibacy, a bit of a giant blow to a computer with such an active sex life, but she had just saved the Universe. Dark clouds filled the sky and the distant rumblings of thunder echoed around the trees.

"I think this would be a good time to leave," said Marvin. "This computer is only half as depressed as I am, but it's still contemplating suicide."

A bolt of lightening ripped a nearby tree in half. The frantic charge towards the door suggested everyone agreed with Marvin. They slammed the door behind them.

"That wasn't so difficult," said Trillian.

"It was easy," said Marvin. "I knew the answer before I 'd even computed the question. However, most idiotic life forms would have resorted to mindless violence after failing to find any logical solution or even forget about the possibility of a second computer communicating with all the devices. Therefore, I admit I am almost not loathed to say I could barely not be unimpressed by your approach."

"Oh, Marvin, you say the sweetest things," said Trillian and kissed Marvin on the cheek

"That's right, try and rust me," moaned Marvin.

Ford, Arthur and Zaphod bounded up

"What are you doing here?" Asked Arthur furiously.

"Oh, just saving the Universe and that," said Trillian, sweetly.

"Is that really you, chick?" Asked Zaphod.

"Of course," said Trillian. "Who else could it be?"

"A reconstructed pile of dust," said Ford, grinning inanely.

"We've disabled the main computer and prevented the SCC from ever overthrowing the Universe using their devices," said Fenchurch, putting her daisy behind Arthur's ear. "You'd have liked it in there."

"That's not the point," flustered Arthur. "We were going to save the Universe."

"Yeh!" Said Zaphod. "A women's place is behind the cocktail cabinet in the living room."

"We almost got killed in there!" Exclaimed Bolo.

"Well, I'm all for equal opportunities," said Zaphod. "You have as much right to save the Universe as we did, even if we would have done it with more style."

"Look, shouldn't we get a move on before they turn on the alarm and find us," said Bolo. An alarm sounded in the background.

"They've turned on the alarm," said Fenchurch. Laser fire blasted a wall behind them.

"They've found us," said Arthur. "RUN!"

They charged down endless corridors pursued by a bunch of jovial Marvin lookalikes intent on killing them. The robots were very pleasant about it all though, apologising after each shot.

Our heroes and heroines are, of course, perfectly safe. Both parties were subconsciously following the strict laws laid down regarding enemy pursuit. These are many and varied, but the main rules are:

1. Pursuers must remain a safe distance from pursuees, but must remain within reasonable shooting distance.

2. Pursuers must be crack shots and may fire unlimited shots at walls, doors and anything else around the pursuees, but NOT directly at pursuees.

3. If a pursuee is shot by accident, the pursuers are penalised by the time it takes for the shot pursuee to convince his partners to continue without him while he tries to hold off the pursuers as long as he can. Once the remaining pursuees have left their fallen partner, he can be killed and the chase restarted in earnest.

4. The pursuees must not turn any corner until they have been shot at, or at least indicated their direction.

5. The corridors must be endless, generally formed in a loop to save on budget.

6. One member of the pursuees must suggest splitting up.

"I suggest we split up," yelled Trillian.

"If I get hit I will split up!" Yelled Zaphod.

"This way," yelled Arthur to Fenchurch, grabbing her hand and pulling her through a doorway.

"Split up.... NOW!" Yelled Ford. Trillian and Bolo dashed one way and Ford and Zaphod charged the other way, all of them yelling.

Another rule is that all participants must yell.

Fenchurch pulled Arthur through a doorway, almost breaking his arm as he intended going the other way.

"Shhh," she whispered. Three jovial robots trundled by.

"We should be safe here for a while," she eventually said, hoping the robots didn't have super hearing.

"I don't want to be safe for a while," said Arthur. "I want to be safe for good."

"Aren't you enjoying it?" Asked Fenchurch.

"My idea of enjoyment does not include being shot at by an jolly and helpful android."

"I know what your idea of enjoyment is. I find all this very exciting. Doesn't it turn you on?" She slipped her arms around his waist.

"Er, not really." He could hear the distant sounds of laser fire and apologies. "It's all a bit distracting."

Fenchurch did something wonderful to his ear. Arthur succumbed to the notion that if he was going to go, this was the way to do it and Fenchurch really knew how to do it. What they didn't realise was that they were saving their lives as the robots had privacy circuits fitted which sensed arousal and caused the robots to seek another function far away.

Zaphod and Ford weren't in any position to initiate any privacy circuits. They were desperately dodging laser fire. Zaphod was throwing himself into somersaults, crashing into walls and various other unnecessary actions that were good for effect. He rounded a corner and saw a sight to warm his heart, mouth and throat. A neon sign saying 'BAR'.

"Hey! Was my navigation good or what?" He said as one of his heads almost got a parting from a laser he wouldn't be able to blow dry out.

"Quick!" Said Ford, as if it was really necessary to instruct Zaphod on how to enter a bar. They crashed through the doors and into the bar. They landed in a heap on the floor.

"We usually end up like this when we leave a bar, not when we enter," said Ford. "This is just like the good old days."

"Yeah, adventure, excitement and really wild things."

"Yeah, being chased."

"Yeah."

"The danger."

"Yeah."

"Risking life and limb."

"Yeah.... Don't you kind of long for the good new days?"

"Yeah."

They got up and went to the bar.

"Listen, everyone," shouted Ford.

"Yeah, listen," reaffirmed Zaphod

"A couple of robots will be coming through that door in a minute."

"Yeah, two evil mothers." The crowd listened intently.

"Well, they're not really evil, they're quite nice about it all, they just want to kill us."

"And do you know who I am?" Demanded Zaphod.

"Not now, Zaph old buddy, I've almost got them on my side," whispered Ford. He raised his voice again for the crowd. "They want to kill us, and we don't want that."

"No way, said Zaphod. The gathering crowd seemed to agree.

"So if you can stop them...." Ford paused for effect. "My friend will buy you all a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster!"

"Yeah, the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster's are on... .What, Ford?"

The cheers from the crowd drowned Zaphod protest. The nice robots entered and were almost immediately destroyed by the thirsty drinkers. They were all back at the bar before the first wisps of smoke from the robots reached the low ceiling. Zaphod's back was slapped more times than an Arcturan mega donkey in the Betelgeuse Grand National.

"Put it on the slate," Zaphod said to the frantic barmen, making a mental note never to visit this bar again. This was something Zaphod had done all over the Universe, but not to the religious levels that Arthur hadn't.

Arthur and Fenchurch, having left the chase for a spot of uninhibited fun (or as uninhibited as Arthur could be knowing a team of robots were after his blood), were now back in the thick of it. A combination of luck, instinct and improbability guided them outside. They were just behind Ford and Zaphod, whose straight line capability had been seriously undermined by the victory celebration in the bar. Bolo, Trillian and Marvin were in the hatchway of the Heart of Gold.

"Come on!" Yelled Trillian, seeing the robots closing in.

Zaphod grabbed Ford's arm.

"Let's stand and fight these guys, impress the chicks," said Zaphod. "I feel like mashing some metal." Zaphod flexed his sinews.

Ford was so stunned he stopped running.

"What are they doing?" Asked Bolo.

"I wish I knew," said Trillian.

"I know," said Marvin. He looked at Bolo and Trillian then went back to looking at Ford and Zaphod.

"Well do you think you could tell us then," said Trillian, trying to remain patient.

"They are lifeforms."

Trillian waited.

"That isn't much help, Marvin," said Bolo.

"Look," said Marvin, summing up every monotony circuit to help convey his message. "Since 97.6667% of activities undertaken by lifeforms are stupid and or pointless, the law of averages says that whatever they are doing is probably stupid and or pointless."

"Thanks, Marvin."

Marvin was, of course, right. Not only were Ford and Zaphod unarmed, they were also well on their way to being legless.

"What the hell are you doing?" Asked Arthur as he approached the defiant duo.

"Standing our ground," said Ford.

"But that's insane," said Arthur, stopping. Fenchurch had no intention of stopping and every intention of breaking the 100 metres record.

"We can beat these metallic morons," said Zaphod.

"If you stay here they'll become metallic murderers," pleaded Arthur.

"Arthur, if you can't stand the heat, go and join the women," said Ford.

"If I had any sense I would," sighed Arthur and turned to face the oncoming robots.

This stunned the robots. It wasn't in the rules and as there was no umpire handy to consult, they were stumped. They muttered amongst themselves then one stepped forward.

"How do you do," he started, in a perfect English accent. "My name is Jeremy and my colleagues have very kindly voted me spokesman.

"Howdy, Germy, " said Zaphod.

"Er, howdy to you, too. Now, we are a bit perplexed to say the least by your actions. We have been programmed to kill you, not our choice you see, and we were having quite a jolly time chasing you and that."

"Spiffing fun, wasn't it old chap," chirped Ford.

"Yes, very exhilarating. But it would be very unsporting of us to kill you in cold blood."

"I'll say!" Shouted one robot from the back.

"Well they say the chase is better than the catch," said Arthur.

"You are so right," said Jeremy.

"Well guys," said Zaphod, holding his arms out. "You've been so nice about all this, we'll give you a break. We'll go to our ship, take off and then you can come and chase us. All this running is bad for the legs."

"Hear, hear!" Shouted the robots.

"Sounds like a grand idea to me," said Jeremy.

"Okay then, that's settled," said Ford. "Give us five minutes to get a head start then it's 'Tally-Ho' away you go!"

This started Jeremy off, leading the robots in 'three cheers for the lads' and Arthur thinking that they still hadn't quite got the programming right at the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

"Look at those schmucks," said Zaphod as they turned to the Heart of Gold. "We'll improb out of here and they won't know where to start looking."

They got back to the ship, with Ford and Arthur congratulating each other and Zaphod congratulating himself. The girls tried to compete by telling the guys how stupid they had been.

"Okay computer, get us out of this wretched place," said Zaphod as he arrived at the bridge.

"Hi guys," enthused Eddie."Great to see you again. I'm sorry I can't get you out of this, but I'm sure we are going to have a great time instead."

"What are you talking about, computer?" Asked Ford. "Use the improbability drive and get us out before some very sporting robots tear us limb from limb."

"Well, there's the problem," said Eddie. "the improbability drive isn't working, some clown pulled a wire on it. Anyone fancy a game of Charades? I'm not too good at acting them out but I'm a whizz at guessing them."

"Swutting mechanics," growled Zaphod.

"Did they pull the wire?" Asked Frod.

"No, I did," admitted Zaphod. "But that's not the point."

"Nice going, Zaphod," sighed Ford. "You've done some dumb things in your time and I thought I witnessed a classic just now outside but no, this takes honours."

"Hey! Don't come down on me," pleaded Zaphod. "My hangovers are catching up with me."

"If those robots catch up with you," yelled Arthur, glad of the chance to let off some steam at Zaphod. "You'll have a hangover you'll never forget, or never remember, according to where you end up. I just hope I don't end up in the same place. Purgatory would be a great alternative."

"Is there no way off this planet without improbability drive?" Asked Bolo.

"Oh yes," said Ford. "Dead easy way through the acid clouds, only we don't know the co-ordinates."

"I know the co-ordinates."

Everyone turned to look at Marvin. He pretended to be interested in something else, which as he had no interest in anything, he didn't do very convincingly.

"Marvin, old buddy, old mate," gushed Zaphod. "Looks like you've come through for us again."

"I said I know the co-ordinates," said Marvin. "I didn't say I was going to tell you."

Zaphod aimed a wild kick at Marvin, which only resulted in Marvin not being dented and Zaphod crawling about on the floor holding his foot and whimpering in pain and lack of sympathy.

"Look, Marvin," said Trillian, softly. "Please feed the co-ordinates into Eddie. I'm supposed to get married to Zaphod later and you wouldn't want me to miss that, would you?"

Marvin thought about this point for a long time before he gave his answer. To everyone else, he appeared to answer back immediately.

"I don't really care about that, but I'd rather not stay with those tiresome tin soldiers out there, they bore me to tears, where as you only bore me to distraction." He made his way over to Eddie.

"Hi, Marvin."

"Actually I am very low."

"Even robots like to be greeted in a friendly and cheerful manner."

"Well I don't, so just shut up."

"Most robots seem to respond well to my pleasing tones and often remark about.... OUCH!"

"I just jammed those co-ordinates right up his rectal information passage," said Marvin.

"I like your style," said Ford. "Okay, Eddie, get us out of here."

"Okay fella," said Eddie. "But could you tell Marvin to be a little more laid back about this?"

The Heart of Gold leapt into a drunken dance through the clouds. Ford and Bolo retired to their quarters to explore the hypothesis that sexual performance is affected detrimentally by stress and pressure. There was also the theory of sex after death to evaluate if the situation arose. It amounted to a lot of research to be crammed in, which explained their eagerness to get on with it.

"I don't know how they can," muttered Arthur.

"Perhaps if you ask them nicely they'll let you watch," scowled Zaphod.

Arthur reverted his attention to the monitor. He could see six small blobs gaining on the large blob that was the Heart of Gold.

"Can't we go into hyperspace or something?" Asked Fenchurch.

"We could end up smack bang in the middle of a Supernova," said Zaphod, purposefully flicking a handful of switches. The fact that he had only turned down the air conditioning wasn't important, the main thing was that he was doing something.

The Heart of Gold screamed out of the acid clouds like Archimedes out of the bath having sat on something.

"Come with me," said Zaphod, pulling Arthur along. They went through the ship until they came to a ladder. Zaphod gestured Arthur down as he started climbing up. Arthur found himself in a glass bowl on the side of the ship. He looked up and saw Zaphod in another bowl. Zaphod was seated and putting on a headset. Arthur followed suit and looked at the array of instruments in front of him. It suddenly clicked. These were the telecommunication rooms and he was going to act as a temporary telephonist to try and convince the robots they had the wrong number. He tried a few practice 'Good morning, Heart of Gold, which number please?' then took hold of one of the handles in front of him which he assumed was the spare telephone handset. He turned the handle and the seat changed position. He grabbed the other handle and found to his delight that he could move up, down and side to side.

"This is much better than the swivel chairs our telephonists had," he yelled to Zaphod. Zaphod was too busy looking out of his bowl.

"Here they come!" Said Trillian in Arthur's headset. Six small robot fighters hurtled past the Heart of Gold, guns a blazing. Arthur panicked and pressed the button on one of the handles. A bolt of laser scorched into space. He felt incredibly foolish. He hid his embarrassment by trying to blast the robot ships our of the sky.

"They're coming in too fast!" He shouted to Zaphod.

Zaphod twisted around and shot ahead of a fighter. The ship went straight into his line of fire and was blasted to pieces.

"A-ha!" He yelled.

Arthur tried to concentrate. He watched one ship and tried to predict its flight. He lined himself up and pressed the button. To his complete surprise he hit the ship and knocked it out of existence.

"I got one!" He yelled.

"Don't get cocky, kid," growled Zaphod.

One fighter flew past Zaphod's bowl and blasted the shell of the Heart of Gold. Zaphod made him pay with a shot which knocked him into another fighter, destroying them both.

"Top that," he said to Arthur.

The three remaining fighters were flying in formation out of range. They dived down and did more damage to the Heart of Gold.

"We've lost two stabilisers," said Trillian over the intercom.

"Don't worry," replied Zaphod. "She'll hold together." He looked at the ship. "You hear me ship, hold together."

The three fighters were descending on another attack. Arthur took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He shot and clipped the first ship, which spun out of control into the other two. There was an enormous explosion and debris showered the Heart of Gold. Unfortunately, one large piece of debris smashed into the tail and with two stabilisers gone, the ship spun hopelessly out of control. Round and round, the Heart of Gold was mercilessly pulled towards the desert planet of Stavromula Beta, where Arthur was to receive the shock of his life, because a lot of religious people he didn't know were waiting to meet him.