Empower

Chapter 4

‘For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.’

Matthew 7:14

Winding down after a hunting night always took time. After my shower, I dressed in a pair of leggings, singlet and sneakers, then jumped on my treadmill.

I ran. A lot.

So much so that I’d had to get the life-warranty tread on my running machine replaced. Twice.

I used to run along the streets, working my way towards and around the parks. But more and more I preferred the solitude of my apartment. It might have been what most people would classify as a shit-box, but it was my shit-box. And I’d happily forgone most of my savings and floor space for my treadmill.

I started my workout, knowing that after seeing that baldheaded exile tonight and everything he’d stirred up, I’d be running for hours. Gray had asked me once why I ran towards the exposed-brick wall so my back was to the window. I hadn’t bothered with an answer.

He knew I had nothing to run to.

And the world to run from.

Yeah, I still had my rules. No running, no quitting, and no believing in fairytales. And even though I had broken rule numero uno in the biggest way possible, I’d reasoned that it was a survival decision and so that made it okay. So, the rules stood.

Somewhere around 1 a.m. I had another shower and got into bed, hoping I’d run off enough energy and tension to get a few hours’ sleep. I slept less and less these days, some nights barely managing an hour. If I was lucky, I was able to negotiate three or four. Apart from the dreams I’d started to have, eerily similar to the scene I’d imagined at the warehouse earlier in the night, sleep always left me unprotected. Tonight was no different.

When sleep was almost within reach, dream-like images filled my mind. I was moving, or rather, jumping from one distorted scene to the next, as if sifting through them.

The vision suddenly halted. I was looking over a courtyard. It was evening. The courtyard was lit with small lights climbing up the trunks of the delicate trees that bordered it. In a corner sat a man. He was wearing a charcoal-coloured suit, his jacket slung over the empty chair beside him. His crisp white shirtsleeves were rolled up revealing silver wristbands and bronzed forearms. He was alone and looked like he’d had a long night. He ran his hand through his golden hair, which I noticed was fractionally shorter and darker at the roots than it used to be. I inched closer, despite my desire to move away. His hand paused and he exhaled shakily.

He looked up, right towards my line of sight, and though he had my full attention I couldn’t see into his eyes the way I so desperately wanted to.

He dropped his arm and stood up, slinging his jacket over his shoulder, and seemed to slump just a little.

‘I miss you. So damn much. So. Damn. Much,’ he whispered and then he walked out of the courtyard. Away from me.

As he had every right to do.

My eyes flew open as I breathed uncontrollably, only to find someone sitting at the end of my bed, casually throwing and catching an odd-looking ball with one hand.

I bolted upright, alarmed, my dagger already in hand, as my eyes focused on the intruder.

‘Phoenix,’ I gasped, lowering my hand. ‘Not tonight,’ I said, my voice shaking.

‘Breathe, Violet,’ he said, all too knowingly.

He gave me a moment and then started to throw and catch the ball again. ‘Why don’t you just ask me what you want to?’ he suggested, not stopping his steady rhythm with the ball.

I pushed myself up further, leaning over the edge of my bed to grab my oversized sweatshirt. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about,’ I said, pulling it over my head. It wasn’t easy to lie to angels. They kinda know.

Doesn’t mean I’m not going to lie, of course.

He gave a small half smile and his chocolate eyes bore into mine, making me shift uncomfortably. I’d forgotten just how much those eyes could affect me. ‘Yes, is the answer. You are using your Sight when you find Lincoln. Just before sleep takes hold, a person’s mind is most vulnerable and other … parts can push forward.’

My soul, in other words.

‘What you see is real,’ he reinforced.

My stomach lurched and I struggled to maintain my composure as for a brief moment the perfect stranglehold I kept on myself was loosened by his words.

How do I fight my most defiant and deadly adversary when it is my own damned soul?

A soul that will never stop taking and punishing.

I thought of Lincoln’s whispered words. Had he known I was there tonight? All the other times? Had his words been for me? For someone else?

It’s been two years. It’s possible.

‘I told you I’d come to you if I wanted to talk,’ I said, fisting my hands in an attempt to reel myself back in.

Phoenix leaned his back against the wall and crossed his legs at the ankles. ‘Yes. But I thought you might have forgotten that conversation, since I’ve barely heard from you in two years.’

‘I haven’t.’

I had only had contact with my angel maker in the past two years, and that had been limited to a few instructions or suggestions about cities he thought I should visit. I hadn’t even seen Uri or Nox. I figured that it was because I was doing what they expected: taking out exiles.

He shrugged. ‘Well, I needed to talk with you.’

‘That’s not the deal we made.’

He’d told me it was my call. It’s not that I didn’t care for Phoenix. I did. We’d been through so much and though he’d done terrible things, he’d also done good. In the end, he’d sacrificed everything. But it was just a reminder of …

‘I know,’ he said, as if reading my thoughts. ‘And I have stayed away, but it’s hard …’ His voice dropped at the end.

I snorted. ‘Don’t think I don’t know you’ve been lurking around.’ I could sense him at times and knew he was keeping tabs on me.

He shrugged, showing no remorse.

‘Why now?’ I asked, knowing I probably didn’t want to hear his answer.

‘Two reasons. One, I miss talking to you.’ His eyes flashed up, his gaze holding mine for a beat. ‘You’re the only person who has ever known me – for better and worse.’

When I failed to respond, he tossed the ball and went on. ‘And, two, it’s difficult to stand back and watch you disappear. Especially when you are using something I gave you in order to do so.’

‘I’m not disappearing,’ I said, my shoulders tensing. ‘I’m very much here, working. I’m doing my job.’

He looked like he was about to argue, but stopped short. ‘I looked in on Simon and Tom,’ he said softly.

I felt the surge of his guilt and sadness. When Phoenix had given me a part of his essence, he’d also given me a mutation of his gifts. He was an empath and could move like the wind. For me, it wasn’t exactly the same. I could move faster than before, and instead of reading and influencing emotions, I can turn them off – something that helped in my daily survival. However, when someone experiences a sudden influx of strong emotions and my guards aren’t at full strength, I sensed a little something, and that was what I felt now.

Simon and Tom were two of the children we’d rescued from Lilith’s cages. They were still too young to embrace, but Simon must have been getting close. Since many of the kids had no family left to raise them, the Academy had set up a makeshift home and school for them within their walls.

‘How are they?’ I asked. I thought about them often.

‘Strong. Simon is fifteen now and will embrace in less than two years. He’ll be an amazing fighter but he’s …’

‘Compassionate, too,’ I said, already knowing this of Simon. His heart was so gentle.

Phoenix nodded, looking down.

I felt my own sadness at his reaction. Did he look away because he thought that I was not?

‘He’ll be a good addition to the Academy ranks,’ I said, moving on.

‘That’s not what he thinks.’

‘No?’ I asked, my brow furrowing.

‘No, he thinks the moment he has embraced he will be going out to find you.’ Phoenix watched for my reaction, which I kept neutral, despite my panic.

‘Why would he do that?’

‘Because he’s strong and strong warriors want strong leaders. He saw you in action, understands what you are capable of. I imagine in his time at the Academy he has seen much, but nothing that compares to …’ He trailed off.

‘I’m not a leader, Phoenix. I’m a weapon. And I take down everything and everyone in my path. If you care about his future, you should make sure he stays away from me.’

‘And maybe you should let other people be the judge of that, Violet.’ He said my name so softly, as if he were pleading with my heart. He sighed. ‘Don’t you ever wonder what he might have said if you’d just hung around a few more minutes that day?’ And just like that the conversation veered into forbidden territory.

‘Don’t,’ I warned. ‘And coming from you, that’s just … Don’t.’

‘Why? Because I love you?’

I shook my head, more to myself than him. ‘You love me but you want to know why I didn’t stay with him?’

The lines around his eyes tightened in a pained expression but he didn’t look away. ‘Am I not allowed to want your happiness because it conflicts with my own?’

I flinched. ‘You’re an angel now. You don’t feel emotions like that.’ But he and I both knew I knew better. I just couldn’t bear to hear those words from him. From anyone.

He half laughed, his hair flopping forward. The colours were more dazzling than ever, the streaks of purple so rich on top of the midnight black and the highlights of silver like shooting stars. ‘I might be an angel, but I will always be fathered by man. Damned to never be enough of anything.’

It was one of the hardest realities for him. It meant that while he didn’t suffer the effects of insanity when he was an exile, as an angel he still experienced emotions that were entirely human and so was left feeling constantly lacking. I wished I could explain to him that that was the very thing that made him extraordinary.

He tossed, caught, kept his eye on the ball as he went on. ‘Violet, I know what I’ve done and that the time has passed for me to dare to fight for you. I know we will never be anything more than friends. But I’ll always love you. That, I’m afraid, appears to be as innate as my darkness. And I know that this is true because it’s more important to me that you are happy, than that I am.’

I gripped my pillow tightly, understanding the magnitude of such a confession from an angel of dark. I wanted to crawl over to him, to sigh deeply and let him hold me.

‘Then you’ll understand why I won’t discuss this,’ I said.

Toss. ‘Yes.’ Catch. ‘But I’m in a difficult position because your choices have left you emotionally ruined and physically tormented.’

‘Wow,’ I whispered. ‘Don’t hold back.’ I rubbed my palms into my eyes, feeling the cold that was always there press against me. Acknowledging it never helped.

‘How bad is it?’ he asked softly.

I looked away. ‘Same as always. I can handle it.’

‘Have you considered that perhaps you’re not supposed to? That you don’t have to bear the pain like some kind of punishment?’

I shook my head. ‘Things are the way they are. Leave it at that, Phoenix.’ I leaped off the bed and was at my sink in four short strides, grabbing a glass of water. After taking a shaky gulp I turned back to my angelic visitor. ‘Please just go.’

He stood and took a step towards me before stopping again. He tossed the ball in his hands one more time, then threw it to me. I caught it and studied it. It was an intricate work of intertwined rope.

‘What is it?’ I asked, turning it in my hand.

He moved to the window as if pulled towards it, reminding me of my angel maker, who did the same thing.

Does Phoenix miss the human world?

‘It’s a Gordian Knot. No beginning, no end, a constant cycle that appears impossible to unravel.’ He took a deep breath. ‘There was a prophecy once that whoever undid the knot would become the ruler of Asia. Alexander the Great came along and instead of attempting to untie the knot, he simply took his sword and sliced right through it. And conquered Asia.’

‘Okay. So, why are you giving it to me?’

He glanced at me, then back to the window, watching the quiet pre-dawn streets of London. I already knew there would be no sleep for me tonight.

‘The Gordian Knot is now a symbol for the unsolvable and yet doable for the right person, with the right tools, who is willing to be quick and decisive.’ He turned to me, his hands clasped as I looked down at the ball of rope again. ‘Things are about to change, Violet. The question not one of us knows the answer to right now is, just how much?’

When I looked up, he was fading. Before he disappeared, he pointed behind me and winked. ‘Door,’ he said, and was gone.

That moment, there was a knock on the door. I looked at my watch, barely believing that there was now something else to deal with.

It’s 5 a.m., for Christ’s sake!

I walked to the door and checked the peephole. Shock doesn’t really cover it. A sense of dread was close to what I felt as I yanked the door wide.

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ I demanded.