Castle War

Two Queen’s Dining Hall

It was breakfast and everyone was up early. The long dining table was heavy with food in every variety imaginable. The coffee flowed and so did the conversation.

Linda Barclay turned to one of the servants. “Orrin, did you wake Gene early?”

“I did, milady.”

“He’s hard to get up sometimes. Do you know when his plane leaves?”

“Your pardon, milady, I do not.”

Linda sipped her coffee. She looked up at Orrin again. “Do you know what an airplane is?”

Orrin wasn’t sure. “A flying machine?”

“Right. I’m never sure how much you born castle people know about our world.”

“Oh, we know a bit, milady. I’ve never seen a flying machine, but I’m very sure I wouldn’t fancy taking a ride in one.”

“I’ve always been afraid to fly, too.”

The man whom everyone called Monsieur DuQuesne was sitting across the table. “I’ve never flown in my life,” he said.

Cleve Dalton, thin and middle-aged, was seated next to him. “I always liked flying. Always meant to get a private license. Took lessons, even soloed, but never took the written test.” He lifted his coffee cup. “By the way, what’s Gene going back to school for?”

Deena Williams answered. “You mean why is he going back or what’s he gonna study?”

“I guess I mean both. Sorry, I’m always out on the golf course, so I don’t know what’s going on half the time.”

Thaxton, a dapper man in his late thirties, said, “You don’t know what’s going on half the time out on the course, Dalton, old boy.”

“I know enough to beat you more than half the time.”

“Golf’s not my game, you know that.”

“Yes, of course. It’s tennis, which I hate.”

“Gene’s going to study computer science,” Linda said. “Grad school at Cal Tech.”

“Very good school,” Dalton said, impressed. “Why computers?”

“Well, Gene has always had this inferiority thing about his not being very good in magic. He needs to compensate. Computers he thinks he can handle.”

Jeremy Hochstader came in yawning. He looked in his teens but was a bit older.

“Speakin’ of computers,” Deena said, “here comes the whiz kid now.”

“Morning, everybody,” Jeremy said between yawns. “Sorry. Up all night with the castle mainframe again.”

“How’s the rebuilding going?” Dalton asked.

“Oh, so-so. The CPU is working but the operating system is still full of bugs.” Jeremy helped himself to eggs and bacon.

Linda said, “Gene also thinks he can help with the magic if he learns computers.”

“Magic and computers,” Deena said with a shake of her head. “Crazy.”

“Incantations, pentacles, all that stuff is old-fashioned,” Jeremy said. “Why can’t you run a spell through a computer?”

“Why not?” Deena said with a shrug.

“Can’t stop progress,” Jeremy said.

“I also think that Gene needs to get back to reality,” Linda said. “I think maybe all of us need to get back sometimes.”

“Not me,” Dalton said. “I’ll take the castle over reality any day.”

Thaxton buttered some toast while commenting, “According to our host, the castle is reality. Everything else is just an adjunct.”

“What’s an adjunct?” Deena asked.

“Something that’s secondary. The castle creates all the worlds it provides access to.”

Linda said, “Well, that’s not entirely true. The way I understand it — I mean, the way Lord Incarnadine explained it to me — is that there are an infinite number of possible universes, but they don’t really exist in the normal sense. They just sort of hang out there until the castle makes them …real, I guess.”

“That’s more or less it,” Thaxton said.

“And the castle chooses 144,000 of these universes and creates access doors that we all go traipsing through.”

“You’ve hit it on the head.”

“But I really don’t emotionally accept it,” Linda went on. “I still can’t accept the castle as anything but a long-lived fantasy. I think Gene has trouble with it, too. That’s why he feels he has to get back once in a while. Back to the gritty, real world we came from.”

“All good luck to Gene,” Dalton said, “but I’m staying right here.”

“I ain’t goin’ nowhere, either,” Deena said. “I didn’t have it so great back in Bed-Sty.”

Dalton said, “I think all of us are here because of problems in the so-called real world. That’s what opens a door into this place. A willingness to chuck it all and leave.”

“You really think so?” Linda said.

“Of course. Haven’t you ever wondered why only certain types show up here?”

“Now that you mention it, I have.”

“Sure. And haven’t you ever wondered why whole worlds don’t come pouring through? It’s because only a few people — beings — can get through those magic doorways. To everyone else they are shut tight.”

“We have had a few invasions,” Linda said.

“Well, I was speaking generally, of course. The Hosts of Hell were certainly an exception.”

“And so were the blue meanies a little while back,” Deena said. “I hated those dudes.”

“I wonder how they got in, then?” Linda said.

“Perhaps a whole world full of beings can hate their own world,” Thaxton said.

“I doubt it,” Dalton said. “It just goes to show that there are no hard-and-fast rules to Castle Perilous. You have to be on your toes all the time.”

“Good morning!”

All heads turned to Gene Ferraro as he came striding in lugging two huge suitcases. Unlike most of his fellow Guests, who were in vaguely medieval garb. Gene was dressed in sweat pants, running shoes, T-shirt, and windbreaker. He also wore a big grin.

“You’re finally up,” Linda said.

“All ready for my first day of kindergarten. And you won’t even have to walk me to the school bus.” He dropped the luggage and sat down. “Hope I have time for breakfast.” He started heaping flapjacks onto a plate.

“What time is your plane?” Linda asked.

“Eleven-ten. Hope they’re ready at Halfway to take me to the airport. It’s a long drive into Pittsburgh.”

Orrin said, “I’m to tell you, sir, that Hulbert is standing by with the motorcar.”

“Fine. Bert’s the best driver of the lot.”

Dalton said, “Before you arrived, Gene, we were all speculating as to why you were going back to school. Why don’t we get it from the horse’s mouth?”

“Maybe it’s not the mouth my reasons come from,” Gene said. “But never mind. All I can say is, the prospect of hanging around a castle for the rest of my life polishing my sword has its attractions, but I have to prove something to myself.”

“What’s that, Gene?”

“That I don’t have to be here. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be here. But I don’t want it to be the only place I can exist. So I’m going back to school and study something worthwhile and do something with it.”

“Like what?”

“Like get a job. I’ll work for as long as it takes to pay my parents back for putting me through college. My dad took a bath when the stock market crashed a little while back. He’s looking at retirement with a skimpy portfolio and not a lot of savings. They have equity in the house, but you gotta have a roof over your head. So, I’m going back to the real world for a while and help them out.”

Linda smiled at Dalton. “I told you.”

“Well, I think that’s very commendable, Gene,” Dalton said.

“Thank you.”

Linda asked, “Is Sheila coming to see you off?”

“No, I saw her and Trent last night. Said our goodbyes. I really wanted Lord Incarnadine to be here, though.”

Thaxton looked around. “Does anyone know where our host is and what he’s doing?”

“As usual,” Dalton said, “he’s on one of his secret missions. Most likely diplomatic doings in an aspect where he has some political interest.”

“Is there an aspect where he doesn’t have a political interest?” Linda asked.

“Oh, a few, I imagine,” Thaxton said. “One man can’t look after 144,000 worlds.”

“I wouldn’t put anything past Lord Incarnadine,” Linda said. “Sure, I know that a lot of aspects are unstable and nobody goes there, but I bet Incarnadine looks after political stuff in several hundred at least.”

“You may be right,” Dalton said, then drained his coffee cup. “Well, I’m off. I mean to get in nine holes before lunch. Are you with me, Thaxton?”

Thaxton pulled his golf bag out from under the table. “Let’s have a go.”

“Gene,” Dalton said, holding out a hand, “I wish you the best of luck.”

Gene shook. “Thanks.”

Dalton and Thaxton left.

Linda asked, “Are you coming back for Thanksgiving?”

“It depends on what my folks have planned. I really don’t know if I can make it back here. I’ll try, though. Definitely be back for Christmas.”

“I planned on going to California for Christmas,” Linda said sadly.

“Looks like we’re not going to see each other till summer.”

“I’m going to miss you, swordsman.”

“Same here, sorceress.”

They exchanged smiles for a second, then Gene resumed pouring maple syrup.

“So Vaya is staying at Pitt?”

“Yeah,” Gene said, “for one more trimester, then she’s transferring to UCLA. They’ve already accepted her for the winter term.”

“She’s done wonderfully for someone who didn’t even know English a year ago.”

“Osmirik really accomplished miracles with her. But I think Incarnadine worked some magic, too. No one can learn English that good that fast.”

“I don’t know. Vaya’s a remarkable woman.”

“You’re telling me.”

“Got a scoop for us? Are you two going to get married?”

“Ask Vaya about that. According to her tribe’s customs, we’re already married. For life. Real serious stuff. Which is fine by me. Just dandy. We might make it Earth-legal, though. The only trouble about living together will be the commute between West L.A. and Pasadena.”

“So, where are you going to live?”

“Don’t know yet. I’ll be in the dorm for this term, but when Vaya gets out there, we’re going to have to search for an apartment. How the hell we’re going to afford it, I’ll never know. The rents out there are ridiculous. It might all be moot, though. I’ll probably flunk out of Cal Tech.”

“Gene, don’t put yourself down.”

“Well, I don’t think I’m going to fit in with the technoweenie set.”

“Hey, watch that,” Jeremy said.

“Present company excepted.”

Just then a seven-foot-tall creature with milk-white fur padded into the hall. It had yellow eyes and long sharp teeth and long bone-white claws. For all of that it looked friendly.

“Snowclaw!”

“Hi, guys,” Snowclaw said.

“You made it,” Gene said. “I thought I wouldn’t get to say goodbye to you. You disappeared.”

“I wanted to get in some hunting before the freeze hit. Well, the freeze came early, so I came back, though I would have, anyway, just to see you off.”

“Glad you did. Sit down and eat some napkins or something.”

“I’ll just munch on these candles. I’m really not hungry.”

“That’s news. So, are you going back to Hyperborea or are you going to stay awhile in the castle?”

“Hyper … Hyperbor … I can’t pronounce that.”

“What’s the name in your language?”

Snowclaw growled and snapped.

Gene said, “I can’t even begin to get my tongue around that.”

“To answer your question, I’ll probably go back. Gonna be kind of lonely here with you gone. Sure wish I could go with you.”

“You and me both. But you’d raise a few eyebrows in Pasadena — maybe not in L.A., but Pasadena, yes.”

“Yeah,” Snowclaw said. “The last time I went to Earth I really got myself in trouble.”

Everyone at the table laughed.

Gene said, “Those headlines were great. ‘Abominable Snowman Stalks Western PA.’ And then there was the story in one of the tabloids: ‘Saucer Lands, Captures Bigfoot.’ Right up there with ‘Elvis Alive and Living in Scarsdale.’”

“If you hadn’t come along in that contraption of yours, I’d still be there getting shot at by the locals. I’m still digging buckshot out of my rear end.”

“Well, it wasn’t the first time I had to pull your chestnuts out of the fire.”

“And it might not be the last. Wait a minute — it seems to me that I saved your hide once or twice.”

“Just kidding, big guy. We made a great team, you and me.”

“Yeah, and now you’re off to get some book learning, and I’ll probably never see you again.”

“Are you kidding? We’ll get together again. There’re a hundred thousand worlds in this castle I haven’t explored yet, and I wouldn’t want anyone at my back but you.”

“Nice of you to say, Gene, old buddy. Same here.” Snowclaw hung his head. “Hey, I’m getting misty-eyed.”

“Don’t go maudlin on me.”

“I’ll live.”

Linda said, “You guys make a great mutual admiration society.”

Gene shook his head. “It’s embarrassing, isn’t it?”

“I’m only kidding. Friendship is nice.”

Gene glanced up to the pendulum clock on the wall. The sign under it read: Eastern Daylight Time (Earth).

“Holy smoke, I’m late!” Gene gulped coffee, wiped his mouth, and threw down his napkin. “Gotta go.” He stood.

Snowclaw held out his paw, which was more or less a short-fingered hand with claws. “See you around, Gene.”

Gene shook paws. “Take care of yourself. I’ll be back, remember.”

“Right.”

Linda came up and hugged him. “Do good in school.”

“Will do. Don’t take any wooden talismans.”

Deena took her turn hugging. “Come back and visit, you hear?”

“Sure will. So long, Monsieur DuQuesne.”

“Au revoir.”

“‘Bye, everyone!”

Toting his luggage, Gene hurried out.

Linda sat back down and began nibbling at a croissant. She looked thoughtful.

She said, “I wonder if he’s making the right move. He needs adventure. Pasadena’s not going to provide that.”

“There’s always the Rose Bowl,” Deena said.